Arranged marriages

[Son of Clyde]

I don't have a long post because I only heard about 30 seconds of a radio program documenting that arranged marriages tend to last much longer than traditional marriages.

Maybe it is because one does not go into an arranged marriage with a lot of expectations.

I have often wondered if these marriages work and here it is on the daily news.

[Jumper]

Clyde,
My guess is they "last " longer because of the cultural and social presures?

 A culture that practices arranged marriages,
places  vastly different social and cultural expectations on married couples.
People tend to live up to societies expectations (in general)
This would effect marrioages within that culture that were not prearrnaged as well?

  i would agree with you the mindset going into such marriages is likely different,
Someone raised in a society where it is considered normal or routine,,
would certainly shape their thoughts, outlooks, and expectations  of marriage?

[PeeWee]

Which cultures practice this, Clyde?  Middle Eastern and Asian?

Peewee

[Turboguy]

I think that is about right PeeWee.  The gal who posted over on my Azerbaijan thread seemed to feel it was prevelent there.   I have to say that if the guy I visted on business in Baku had his parents arrange his marriage to the gal he is married to I think he should be eternally grateful. 
I use to date a gal who was of Indian nationality (not the kind with feathers and bows and arrows)  She talked about it being common there for the parents to arrage a marriage and the groom to give the parents a dowry.  It sounded to me a little like selling a bride.  It does not seem to follow a particular religion since in Baku they are Muslims and in india they are Hindu's

[PeeWee]

I think that is about right PeeWee.  The gal who posted over on my Azerbaijan thread seemed to feel it was prevelent there.   I have to say that if the guy I visted on business in Baku had his parents arrange his marriage to the gal he is married to I think he should be eternally grateful. 
I use to date a gal who was of Indian nationality (not the kind with feathers and bows and arrows)  She talked about it being common there for the parents to arrage a marriage and the groom to give the parents a dowry.  It sounded to me a little like selling a bride.  It does not seem to follow a particular religion since in Baku they are Muslims and in india they are Hindu's

I might be wrong but I had thought that for a father to sell his daughter was somehow different than an arranged marriage. In the arranged marriage my understanding  is that the family, mom and dad, made an arrangement with someone elses mom and day. Little money was exchanged because the goal was to be sure that the daughter married into a good family. On the other hand the daughter that got sold in order to line the pockets of the father. The guy with the most goats wins.

Peewee

[Turboguy]

Yes, I think the parents decide but I also think a dowry is common in places with arranged marriages and I would not be too surprised if there is not a parallell that the more successful the groom they choose for the precious daughter the larger the dowry they can expect.  I am not sure how much that comes into play when they choose.

[KenC]

My own grandmother was in an arraigned marriage. My great grandparents had a farm in Michigan. They had 9 children of which 7 were (useless for farm work) girls. A deal was struck with my grandfather from the city. How much money or goods were exchanged remains unclear. The parents put their 19 year old daughter on the train to the big city and her awaiting 40 something year old fiancee. (Sometimes history repeats itself!) Two children and about 10 years later, my grandmother divorced my grandfather. I always thought that going from an arraigned marriage to divorce was a hell of a bridge for her to cross. But so much for happy endings with arraigned marriages.
KenC

[Wild Orchid*]

Which cultures practice this, Clyde?  Middle Eastern and Asian?

Peewee

Don’t you think that at some level marriages between RW/UW and any foreign men are arranged marriages?

[PeeWee]

Don’t you think that at some level marriages between RW/UW and any foreign men are arranged marriages?

I don't know. You tell me. In what way are marriages between FSU women and foreign men "arranged"? I had not thought about this WO. You might be right.


Peewee

[dorogoyroberto]

Don’t you think that at some level marriages between RW/UW and any foreign men are arranged marriages?

Ms. Wild Orchid.

You have a excellent point: as an example, an agency offers "matchmaking" services. Essentially, they are introducing two strangers with the express intention of potentially arranging a marriage...

Roberto
Kiev, Ukraine

[Wild Orchid*]

I don't know. You tell me. In what way are marriages between FSU women and foreign men "arranged"? I had not thought about this WO. You might be right.


Peewee

I can speak only from woman’s point of view. In a way, that in this situation the choice of husband was made with the head 90% and only 10% with the heart (or less and more). We had a poll few years back on women’s forum, asking if a woman loved her husband before she married him, majority answered NO, but married him because he seemed to be a very good person and she hoped she would love him in the future and have stable family. It is probably something you’d prefer not to know, but it is how it is. That’s why I think most of the marriages are arranged by us in some way, not just happened to be in love.

When I was 22 I fell in love with one guy who has been married  I don’t know how many times, had children from different unions, broke up previous relationship because of me, wasn’t financially stable. There were many-many red flags and people around me were pointing out at them, but I didn’t care, I was already in love and was positive that everything would be different this time with ME. It wasn’t. If I was choosing someone from a range of men and all I had in front of me just introductory letters, all those with red flags would go in the trash bin without second thought because I wouldn’t know people behind those letters and I wouldn’t love any of them just yet or may be never. Love might come much later when all red flags would be taken in consideration.
I hope I made myself clear. 

[Shadow]

Arranged marriages in Asian culture are not intended as selling of daughters. There are always going to be parents who do not care about their children, but that is not the base.

The base of the arranged marriage is that people marry young (or are destined to marry young). At ages when they are not yet mentally fully grown and able to take decisions knowing how it will influence their lives. Parents are supposed to know their children. The character, the good and bad things. If two parents agree that the character of their children matches after knowing both of them, they arrange for a marriage. However the children do have a right to refuse in case the totally disagree with their parents choice.
While we are looking to this concept as strange, try to view it from the side where parents want the best for their children. Good parents will try to find the best compatible partner. Bad parents go for the money.
Not a lot of difference.

[PeeWee]

Arranged marriages in Asian culture are not intended as selling of daughters. There are always going to be parents who do not care about their children, but that is not the base.

The base of the arranged marriage is that people marry young (or are destined to marry young). At ages when they are not yet mentally fully grown and able to take decisions knowing how it will influence their lives. Parents are supposed to know their children. The character, the good and bad things. If two parents agree that the character of their children matches after knowing both of them, they arrange for a marriage. However the children do have a right to refuse in case the totally disagree with their parents choice.
While we are looking to this concept as strange, try to view it from the side where parents want the best for their children. Good parents will try to find the best compatible partner. Bad parents go for the money.
Not a lot of difference.

Shadow, the potential economics of the union of two has to play apart in one set of parents decision to agree with another set of parents. I don't think the girl's parents would seek to consumate an arranged marriage with the boy's parents unless the boy's parents had both high social status and some wealth. Especailly if the girl was attractive. Would not the girl's parents not have a tendency to market their daughter in a way that the arranged marriage was to a family that could provide for her in a very grand way.

Or, do you see that arrangement happening between two guys who one night are drinking beer in a bar. One buddy suggests to the other that because they are such good friends that there should be an agreement that their kids should be married so that the two drunks can not only claim that they are drinking buddies but in-laws as well? Same could be said of two women playing Lambsie at the social club. "Say, Cloe, your daughter is about the same age as our Melvin. We should have the two of them marry one another. That would be nice." To me an arranged marriage is as much a business deal as it is a marriage and the happiness, while hoped for by the parents for their children, is more so enjoyed by the parents of those children.

Peewee

[Wild Orchid*]

There is so many different types of arrange marriages that I don’t see much cense in arguing about it. In some countries parents go for the highest bit on their daughter, in others they are looking for the most suitable partner for her. In others girls simply drugged into the cars and taken into remote villages, where female members of the family of so called groom put enormous pressure on her trying to convince the girl that she had to follow tradition and marry that guy who snatched her from the street 2 days ago. And her parents know nothing about what happened to her, they probably are at the police station reporting “missing person” at the same time.

[Bruno]

There is so many different types of arrange marriages that I don’t see much cense in arguing about it...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arranged_marriage

An arranged marriage is a marriage that is at some level arranged by someone other than those being married and is usually used to describe a marriage which involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

    * In a traditional arranged marriage the parents choose the child's future spouse with little or no input from the child being taken as having final authority. If the child refuses the choice of the parents, the parents may choose another possible spouse or the child may be punished or disowned (or in rare cases, killed, accidentally in the heat of passion or intentionally with legal authority to do so).

    * In a modern arranged marriage, the parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child (who may indicate which photos/biographies he or she likes, for example). The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting (an hour long walk around the neighborhood together, for example). The children will then eventually choose who they wish to marry (if anyone), although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice of which they must approve.

    * A modern arranged marriage with courtship is the same as above, except the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision.

    * Finally, in an introduction only arranged marriage, the parents will introduce their child to a potential spouse (that they found through a personal recommendation or a website, et cetera). The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice based on whatever factors they want, love or otherwise. The parents may try to influence the child's choice or generally pressure the child to choose someone soon (especially when parents are hoping to become grandparents).

In almost all of the above cases except the traditional arranged marriage, the child may usually be presumed to have the option of finding a spouse on his or her own and presenting them to their parents who may or may not have any legal authority in deciding the matter with finality. Many children in cultures which do not promote arranged marriage view an arranged marriage as an option they may choose to use if they are unable or unwilling to spend the time and effort necessary to find an acceptable spouse on their own. In some cases, parental disapproval turns violent, even leading to loss of lives. This sometimes is the reason forcing children to marry according to parent's wishes.

Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" may be occasionally be used even if the parents had no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. This could mean a meeting through a website or third party. Many Indians are choosing to meet their partners online, and the growth of Matrimonials Sites have become exponential over the past 5-10 years.

A "marriage of convenience" is the term is most often applied if the couple decides to marry primarily for reasons other than love.

It seem that all of us who have use the service of marriage agency are in the categorie of "Arranged marriages" 

[wiz]

When I was 22 I fell in love with one guy who has been married  I don’t know how many times, had children from different unions, broke up previous relationship because of me, wasn’t financially stable. There were many-many red flags and people around me were pointing out at them, but I didn’t care, I was already in love and was positive that everything would be different this time with ME. It wasn’t. If I was choosing someone from a range of men and all I had in front of me just introductory letters, all those with red flags would go in the trash bin without second thought because I wouldn’t know people behind those letters and I wouldn’t love any of them just yet or may be never. Love might come much later when all red flags would be taken in consideration.
I hope I made myself clear. 

Somebody said:

Love is like the wind. You don't know from which direction is going to blow,

when,

how strong is going to be,

and for how long, 

Wiz

[PeeWee]

"Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" may be occasionally be used even if the parents had no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. This could mean a meeting through a website or third party. Many Indians are choosing to meet their partners online, and the growth of Matrimonials Sites have become exponential over the past 5-10 years."

"...may be occasionally be..."  say what? be be be  According to this then an arranged marriage is can include two who meet via a website (eHarmony, Match.com, Elena's Models, etc) why is there no mention here of the personal ads found commonly in newpapers? If you met your lady because a friend of hers or yours introduced you both then this too, accoding to this statement, is also an arranged marriage. It seems the only way a marriage cannot be considered arranged is if two people meet without the influence of any other sources. Well...welcome, everyone, to your arranged marriage to a mail order bride!  That sounds horrid, doesn't it?

Peewee

[Todd]

I probably one of the few people on this site who could have had an arranged marriage.  I went over to Pakistan for the wedding of my best friend's little sister,who I knew since she was 4 and I was 9.  At the time, I was 25 and was about 1 year from completing my PhD.    While I was at the wedding, the family that I grew up with let it be known that they would be happy to arrange a meeting and be my surrogate parents.  I was incredibly honored, but never took them up on it.

I wanted to mention a couple of things.  On the Indian subcontinent, arranged marriages are common in both Muslim and Hindu cultures.  (I'm pretty sure the same holds for the Sikh's as well. Is there a Singh in the crowd??)  The matrimonial ads in the newspapers are generally placed by the family NOT the person (even in the case of males.)  It is interesting to see what is listed in each ad:  religion as well as sect, skin color (lighter is better), region, citizenship in foreign countries, and education.  If male, height is usually listed.  If female, then ht/wt and pretty/beautiful/etc. is listed. 

As far as I can tell, arranged marriages tended to work best when the culture was very uniform and families new each other.  As this has broken down more and more, the traditional arranged marriage system has gotten less prevalent.  However, it is most common still in the rural areas.  In these areas, both men and women get married much earlier.

Speaking of matrimonial ads, the most fun ones are in Saudi Arabia as the specify the # wife you would be.

[PeeWee]

I probably one of the few people on this site who could have had an arranged marriage.  I went over to Pakistan for the wedding of my best friend's little sister,who I knew since she was 4 and I was 9.  At the time, I was 25 and was about 1 year from completing my PhD.    While I was at the wedding, the family that I grew up with let it be known that they would be happy to arrange a meeting and be my surrogate parents.  I was incredibly honored, but never took them up on it.

I wanted to mention a couple of things.  On the Indian subcontinent, arranged marriages are common in both Muslim and Hindu cultures.  (I'm pretty sure the same holds for the Sikh's as well. Is there a Singh in the crowd??)  The matrimonial ads in the newspapers are generally placed by the family NOT the person (even in the case of males.)  It is interesting to see what is listed in each ad:  religion as well as sect, skin color (lighter is better), region, citizenship in foreign countries, and education.  If male, height is usually listed.  If female, then ht/wt and pretty/beautiful/etc. is listed. 

As far as I can tell, arranged marriages tended to work best when the culture was very uniform and families new each other.  As this has broken down more and more, the traditional arranged marriage system has gotten less prevalent.  However, it is most common still in the rural areas.  In these areas, both men and women get married much earlier.

Speaking of matrimonial ads, the most fun ones are in Saudi Arabia as the specify the # wife you would be.

Arranged marriages...ads, listing "...religion as well as sect, skin color (lighter is better), region, citizenship in foreign countries, and education.  If male, height is usually listed.  If female, then ht/wt and pretty/beautiful/etc..."  Wow! What does this sound like? Marriage agency stuff?

Peewee