Ladies; how do you know you have looked long enough

[ML]

Settling for second best or sensible enough to stop searching for an elusive Mr Perfect?

TRACEY COX on six signs that mean you've met your perfect match

Tracey answers the age-old dilemma of when to 'settle' and when to hold.  Here she tells you how to recognise when they are your perfect match

By Tracey Cox for MailOnline

At what age and stage do you finally give up on finding the 'perfect' partner?

One study found the average woman will kiss 15 men, have two-long term relationships and have her heart broken twice before she finds the person she'll settle down with.

But what if you're way past that, still counting and still not found the right person?  Is it sensible to settle for that perfectly-nice-but-not-perfect relationship you're in? Or are you settling for second best?

Fifteen relationship books, umpteen columns and two decades of researching sex and relationships later, here's what I think are the crucial questions to ask yourself.

Do you only ever date one 'type'?

The more varied your dating habits and the more different types of people you know and go out with, the more chance you have of finding someone who will truly make you happy.

Look back at your last five relationships: have you just dated the same person, over and over and still not happy?

If this is you, don't settle with the person you're with. Deliberately date someone who is completely different than what you're used to and see how that makes you feel.

What personality type are you?

How important is chemistry to you? The knee-jerk reaction is 'Very!' and if you're an intense person, hang out for someone you feel a strong, powerful connection with.  Feeling content with your partner should make you feel warm and fuzzy rather than anxious and nervous.

But if the word 'content' makes you feel warm and fuzzy rather than ancient and anxious, it's perfectly possible to click with someone and have a lovely time together without ever feeling the Hollywood version of 'chemistry' with that person.

Controlled 'sensible' relationships suit lots of people.

If you're quite happy being with your partner and it's your friends telling you it's not passionate enough, ignore them and stick with your instincts.

Are you settling or compromising?

There's an enormous difference.

In the first scenario, you're actively acknowledging that you're effectively settling for less than you think you deserve. The natural reaction to that is to feel resentful and cheated by life.

Finally learning to compromise is a totally different feeling.

It's more like 'OK, so they don't have all the qualities on my wish list but they do have what I now realise are the important ones and I can live with what's missing'.

That decision sits well with most people.

It's more 'Oh well, turns out you really can't have it all!' than feeling depressed and disappointed in the future.

Tracey says that even if the sex is great it doesn't necessarily mean it's true love

Have you made peace with all your demons?

You have to be in the right place to meet the right person.

If you're still battling all sorts of issues from your past, struggling to recover from a toxic ex and generally not sorted, you are not going to have a great relationship with anyone you meet, no matter how fabulous they are.

Do you view relationships as a place of safety, where you'll feel supported and loved and have fun?

Or as a battleground, where you have to be on guard and protect yourself because you might get hurt?

If it's the latter, how you feel has nothing to do with who you're with, it's to do with issues you need to fix. Get some therapy and then decide how you feel.

Don't confuse drama with love

Some personalities are strongly attracted to each other but don't bring out the best in each other. Trouble is, the intermittent reinforcement - the roller-coaster emotional effect - makes us think this must be love.

It's not. These are the dramatic love scenarios we're used to seeing in movies and reading in books. It's fiction!

The average good relationship wouldn't be entertaining enough because when you both respect and like each other, there aren't massive ups and downs.

Don't equate drama with love. If you're worried you're settling because there aren't any arguments or tension and everything is easy, stop worrying.

That's called high compatibility.

How's the sex?

Most people don't end up settling down with the person they have the most wicked sex with.

Why? Sometimes it's because women don't do the really out-there stuff with a man they think is future husband material (fears of being judged).

Other times it's because what we look for in a long-term partner (reliability, commitment, stability), isn't what we look for in someone we're having a hot fling with (spontaneity, someone who's forbidden and 'bad' for us).

This doesn't mean you won't have great sex with the right person, just a different kind of sex.

If you're thinking you're settling because the sex isn't as good as it was with that wild ex, you're being unrealistic.

Sex with anyone calms down over time: it doesn't mean you're settling if you're not doing it seven times a week or having earth-shattering orgasms every time.

[mies]

My husband was my first LTR, with Hollywood chemistry and all that stuff. I knew I want to spend my life with him the first time we spoke to each other. We've been together since.

With my type of personality I can't just "settle" for something or somebody.

[BillyB]

With my type of personality I can't just "settle" for something or somebody.

I think a good number of FSU women have that attitude. I've seen some men claim the women in the FSU who are willing to relocate and marry a man from another country are in a "dirty barrel" for men to choose from as if they are the worst of the worst that the FSU has to offer.  I don't believe that. I've read a lot of FSU women's profiles and talked to them. Many have good manners, well groomed, educated and dream of a happy family. They are quality women. Like you, they aren't willing to settle for less. If there aren't enough good men in Ukraine that can provide for a family, they are willing to look elsewhere.

[Sun gal]

 I've seen some men claim the women in the FSU who are willing to relocate and marry a man from another country are in a "dirty barrel" for men to choose from as if they are the worst of the worst that the FSU has to offer. 

This is not true.
Of course,the FSU men take this as a betray. Many women simply don't imagine they will relocate somewhere else if its more than 100 km away from their home. Many people just very attached to the family and relatives,and hate an idea about going too far from them.
Also the true that many women remain single and even never get married.Simply because after 30 yo it is becoming difficult to find a free decent guy-most are married by then.
Still,MOB is kind of a stigma and pictured in media as a loser type of a woman who didn't succeed in her home country. It is all about Propaganda,I think. If more women would be open minded about international relationship,it would make so many women happy...

PS. I always didn't like shauvinistic mentality of FSU men.
Sincerely,Sun gal.

[ML]

Ochka has voiced no real complaints about FSU men in general.

However, there is one feature of comparing FSU men with AM that astounds her.

As she says it:  In FSU when a man gains a little bit more money or a little bit higher position than others . . . he develops a marked superiority attitude.

She is almost shocked here in USA when we go to parties, neighborhood cookouts, etc., and finds that the multimillionaires are indistinguishable from clerks and manual laborers.

Last week, we participated in an 'adopt a highway' program and picked up roadside trash along a mile stretch.  Afterwards I asked her what she thought of 'Jim' who worked along side of us.

She was astounded when I told her he was CEO of a mid-size corporation and earned about a million and a half a year.

[BillyB]

If more women would be open minded about international relationship,it would make so many women happy...

You must be very happy with your marriage Sun Gal. It's nice to have your input here. Welcome to the forum.

[Sun gal]

I am actually was here a long time ago,when just engaged  My name was Zhena,but I lost my account info completely,so made a new one.
I don't want to criticize the FSU men,however. There are some things that are absolutely  For example,if a man is more-less successful-you know,good job,decent money,nice car etc-you will be destined to fight with his mistresses all your life. Almost certainly.

[BillyB]

My name was Zhena,but I lost my account info completely,so made a new one.

I remember you. You might ask the management to help you get back into your old account.

[Boethius]

Ochka has voiced no real complaints about FSU men in general.

However, there is one feature of comparing FSU men with AM that astounds her.

As she says it:  In FSU when a man gains a little bit more money or a little bit higher position than others . . . he develops a marked superiority attitude.

She is almost shocked here in USA when we go to parties, neighborhood cookouts, etc., and finds that the multimillionaires are indistinguishable from clerks and manual laborers.

Last week, we participated in an 'adopt a highway' program and picked up roadside trash along a mile stretch.  Afterwards I asked her what she thought of 'Jim' who worked along side of us.

She was astounded when I told her he was CEO of a mid-size corporation and earned about a million and a half a year.

That is not only true of FSUM, but FSUW as well.   If those individuals came to North America with some prestige, they find it very difficult to adapt to North American society, where they are nobody.  I have seen it, numerous times. 


What is described is not normal, but it is the result of the way the society developed.  However, there are plenty of muzhiks among FSUM.