Trips to Ukraine

[Son of Clyde]

What is the concensus concerning your wife and child's returning home?

I cannot afford for all three of us to go and she wants to spend at least a month visiting family and friends. It seems rather strange to me us having been married less than a year but I know she and her son get very homesick.

Since I was single for so long, it just seems strange them wanting to take a vacation within the first year. My grandfather came to the US in 1908 and never returned to Italy, but he came to the US on a boat, arrived almost penniless, worked his way to being head of his own construction company, fathered 5 children and it was a totally different era (the depression) and a different mindset.

Any thoughts on this? 

[catzenmouse]

SoC,

 This varies quite a bit depending on the needs of the family and the money/time available to them. Elena wanted to go back for a visit last year but did not want to go without me. I could not go until this year so she waited until we could all go together. Start2 just left for Ukraine for two weeks and Val will be staying for 4 or 6 weeks (I don't remember which).

 Would be really nice if you were able to join them there for part of the trip but I do understand how the time/financial gets cramped up with all the fees and changes during the first year or so.

Ken

[PeeWee]

What is the concensus concerning your wife and child's returning home?

I cannot afford for all three of us to go and she wants to spend at least a month visiting family and friends. It seems rather strange to me us having been married less than a year but I know she and her son get very homesick.

Since I was single for so long, it just seems strange them wanting to take a vacation within the first year. My grandfather came to the US in 1908 and never returned to Italy, but he came to the US on a boat, arrived almost penniless, worked his way to being head of his own construction company, fathered 5 children and it was a totally different era (the depression) and a different mindset.

Any thoughts on this? 

Clydeman, I have told you many times that of all the lads who frequent here that you are one of the guys that I would love to see make this relationship work. To the point that some 30 years from now who are still writing and asking questions about this same relationship as you are now.

It it were me, and some day it will be me, I would expect that she would want to return to her homeland and family. I would encourage it. I would demand it.

Sort it out, lad. If she lived on the West Coast, you being on the East Coast, would she not travel home to see family and friends sometime within your first year of marriage? The fact that Ukaine is miles further only means that it will take her longer to get there.

One month spent there? Is that not better, on a cost per mile basis, that she remain there for one month, rather than one week? You get four times the value for your travel dollar as a result of it.

She goes and you stay.  Two advantages to this. You get a bit of a mental rest from this intensive relationship and the expense of two traveling is one third less in cost than the expense of three traveling.

I keep mentioning dollar savings. That cannot be the reason either way that she goes or stays. She may need to go. Her mental health may demand it!

Clyde..is it possible that she needs to return to put some aspects of her life into order? To finish some unfinished business that has been nagging at her soul? Nothing wrong with it. And she has the chance to brag to  her family and friends. She will come back feeling pretty good about herself.

Homesickness is very real and everyone responds differently to it. Your grandpa is not your wife. There is no comparison. If she returns home I see you as having a chance to catch your mental breath. To refresh your energy so that you have the emotional strength to tackle the next challenging year. And maybe next year she returns home again but eventually the her desire will subside.

Talk it out with her. Let her state her reasons and then wish her a good trip. I know it might be hard to do but I am now thinking of my friend Lena. Her only son has just left her for 4 months of work in NY. She knew that it would be hard to cut the string that attached her to both her son and her best friend and the mother in her did not want it. But the good parent in her knew that for her son's well being that this trip must happen. Everyday I encourage her that this adventure is a good adventure for her son. Everyday she thanks me for giving to her my support and my strength.

Alot of trust and respect is conveyed by you to her, in a non verbaly way, when you support her in her desire to return home. As long as you are clear in your mind as to why she is returning home. But she can verbally convey that to you. 

If I marry Lena I may not see her travel back to Russia. She has no family there and as far as I know she has one dear friend from her girlhood days. Even if she came to me and said, "Peevee, I vant go home to see my Sveta."  I would next call Aeroflot and book the flight for her. "Have a great time. And, oh, by the way. When are you coming home? I'll leave a light on for ya."

Peewee

[Sohkay]

SoC,

What is it that seems strange to you about her wanting to return?

Do you have any worries of fears about her returning, and if so, what are these worries or fears?

[Son of Clyde]

SoC,

What is it that seems strange to you about her wanting to return?

Do you have any worries of fears about her returning, and if so, what are these worries or fears?

The only thing that worries me is being without her for so long. As the song goes, "I've grown accustomed to her face."

[Sohkay]

Did she ask if it was affordable to do? Or, did she simply state that she wanted this?

[Jumper]

Clyde-
everything in the situation seems completely normal to me??

peewee made a great analogy about east coast vs west coast..
except the distances ,time required, and finances being greater.

if her family was west coast, you wouldnt think anything about it?

if her family is a bit further,,
then her wishes  to see her family are no less valid,, just the familty finances have to be looked into closer is all.

add in the language issues and cultural isolation,, wouldnt you WANT her to go visit famalier surroundings and family??
yes even without you, you'd be a third wheel anyway!
(yes she will miss you,no need to worry )


as far as wanting to visit within the first year,
seems completely normal?
 your wifes certainly been thru isolation and a barraige of cultural changes.
its nice to have a break from it and be in famaliar surroundings..
(from my own personal experience living in other cultures/langauges )

My wife returned home that first year also, and i certainly encouraged it!!
a month seemed a normal time frame also..?
its an expensive trip to us, so why go for a short time?
much better value to go for a month.

as far as me wanting to go along,
honestly i wanted her to go relax be with her family and friends..
a real vacation, and a real trip to relieve the homesickness..
(and to be honestly also lift a little of the rosey colored hindsight that most people have of a polace they have left)

none of her family  speak english..
shes fluent so would feel compelled to translate the conversations,,betwwen themselves and withme directly..
 and its tiring!! not relaxing!!
even though i miss her family and would like to see them , my presence on the trip wasnt really needed ,and the extra expence  unwarranted. we would use those funds for a vacation on our own somewhere?


My wifes in Ukraine now, her third trip ,over about three years..
i'm glad she gets to visit home , and wish it could be more often honestly.

if your relationship is solid, it will only get stronger  if she knows that she can visit family in some reasonable time frame, and for a decent amount of time.
In fact the trip home itself will likely strenghten your bonds,for many reasons,
 not weaken them..

For you to worry over it,or think it strange,
(why would you think that given the situation?)
could  only weaken them.

especially when you basically answered your own question..

but I know she and her son get very homesick.
.......................
My grandfather came to the US in 1908 and never returned to Italy, but he came to the US on a boat, arrived almost penniless, worked his way to being head of his own construction company, fathered 5 children and it was a totally different era (the depression) and a different mindset.

she misses her family , isnt penniless, and it certainly is a diffrent era.

plus your grandfather likely felt the same those first years?
 and if at all possible would have surely visited home?
all his accomplishments, though admirable,  were after a very rough initial time !

[Jumper]

if your "only"  worry is you will miss her,
after years of bachelerhood..

then Clyde,
sorry to be blunt,
but your simply being selfish..



our worries were finacial, in regards to what frequency of trips home we could reasonably afford.
but her FIRST trip home,
was already scheduled with an open date return ticket before her arrival here .
Her mother truly apprteciated thefacty i had already arranged for her daughters return visit beforehand, it did help her greatly deal with the loss of her daughter..and helped my wifes intial homesickness knowing that she could at anytime call the airport and just *go*..

yes we would miss eath other terribly, thats kind of a given.
yes she has mixed emotions about going ,,everytime she goes.
 yet  it still strenghtens our marriage each trip.

[Muj]

Anything I've read indicates the woman's desire to return home for a visit varies from homesickness to desperately needs to see her own.  In most cases her trip reinforces her reasons to marry you, her feelings for you, and her desire to stay in the USA.

[PeeWee]

The only thing that worries me is being without her for so long. As the song goes, "I've grown accustomed to her face."

 

Clyde...people need their space sometimes too for a relationship to be healthy. When I married my one and only wife who, amoung other things, was a flight attendant. We worked for the same airline. Our schedules took us appart for up to two weeks at a time from day one of our marriage. It lasted that way until little peewee junior was born. She left the airline but later went to work for another airline which based her in Alaska. Me and little peewee were living in Seattle and mom was living in Alaska. She eventually tired of that and she missed little peewee alot. So she quit.

Then I began to spend more time on the road. Because of my schedule I was home one once every other weekend. And I was flying all over the place. It worked for us is all I am saying. You are not the same as me but you might be able to hold out for one month anyway. I did it for years.

Peewee

[BC]

SOC,

don't feel bad.. my wife and kids left today for a couple months. I will maybe hit RU for a week or so later on. We've lived/worked/played together 24/7 for the last two years (since last trip) so really need the opportunity to 'miss' each other again.

[jb]

My wife left Thursday for a one month visit home.

She's already called and said she's ready to come home to Texas.  She now hates Russia.. Way too dirty, way to busy, and way to expensive. This is a far cry from the woman who arrived here a few years ago and found everything here so bad.   She misses her nice, clean, 3 BR, 2 Bath, 2 car garage, plus appliances, very average Texas tract house.  She misses having coffee out on the patio in the morning, she misses good clean sea breeze air to breath, she misses her sabachka, (toy poodle), I think she even misses me, (wondering about that part)..

Who knows what the future will bring?  Is she now truly fully Americanized?  I'll let you know after she's come home.

[PeeWee]

Jb makes a good point, Clyde. Once your bride has arrived in the mother land and is able to confirm that , yes, it is still there, and, yes, it is still the armpit of the world, then she will be satisfied and be ready to return. After she has bragged to everyone of her girlfriends how very wonderful everything is America is..and so on and so forth. MacCarther said it, "I shall return." Schwatzenegger said it, "I'll be back." And so they did and so shall she.

A side note. Lena can speak decent English but always with the accent. Yet when she does her own impression of Arnold and, "Ill be back." The accent completely goes away. I always tell her she speaks her best English when she is immitating Arnold.



Peewee

[Jumper]

She's already called and said she's ready to come home to Texas.  She now hates Russia.. Way too dirty, way to busy, and way to expensive. This is a far cry from the woman who arrived here a few years ago and found everything here so bad.

LOL jb!

just went thru exactly that a few weeks ago,,
i think that call came on the third day into the trip..
wondering if maybe i could change the return flight day ..to come home earlier..

her first trip home was the same reaction ..
i was actually expecting that, but thought it would be a few weeks after the homecoming celebrations with family etc had settled down..
but she called the very first day,  ready to come *home*


peewee..
 i wouldnt say she thinks her home country an armpit.. by any means..
and there are plenty of things *here* she doesnt like..
its more that when she travels there now, and back here, she has a much more obvective and realistic view of both the positives and negatives of each location.
There are certainly good and bad to both ...but its refreshing to see not so  biased thinking about them.... 
 

[PeeWee]

LOL jb!

just went thru exactly that a few weeks ago,,
i think that call came on the third day into the trip..
wondering if maybe i could change the return flight day ..to come home earlier..

her first trip home was the same reaction ..
i was actually expecting that, but thought it would be a few weeks after the homecoming celebrations with family etc had settled down..
but she called the very first day,  ready to come *home*


peewee..
 i wouldnt say she thinks her home country an armpit.. by any means..
and there are plenty of things *here* she doesnt like..
its more that when she travels there now, and back here, she has a much more obvective and realistic view of both the positives and negatives of each location.
There are certainly good and bad to both ...but its refreshing to see not so  biased thinking about them.... 
 

AJ, I may have transfered my friend Irina's thoughts of her native city of Vladivostok to Clyde's post. There are some very lovely cities in Eastern Europe and there has to be some, as Lena calls them "bearholes" as well. Just like in the USA. I had always hear Terra Haute referred to as the "armpit of America."  I have no idea if that is true as I have not yet visited Terra Haute yet.

Peewee

[Jumper]

LOL peewee!

agred some great cities in the FSU and some rather drab ones as well!

here in the USA,,
well I was born in Vincennes Indiana,,although i was never a resident iof this state untill two years ago..lol
anyway Vincennes is  about 45 mins south of Terra Haute..
and i live about 2 hours north of it currently, so know the city well enough ..
 
 I wouldnt call it the armpit of the USA,,
that would be a more likely moniker for Gary , or Whiting Ind.
(sorry thats bound to offend someone,, relax its just a joke ) 

[PeeWee]

LOL peewee!

agred some great cities in the FSU and some rather drab ones as well!

here in the USA,,
well I was born in Vincennes Indiana,,although i was never a resident iof this state untill two years ago..lol
anyway Vincennes is  about 45 mins south of Terra Haute..
and i live about 2 hours north of it currently, so know the city well enough ..
 
 I wouldnt call it the armpit of the USA,,
that would be a more likely moniker for Gary , or Whiting Ind.
(sorry thats bound to offend someone,, relax its just a joke ) 

I was going to say Gary because I have been there. One time a fellow and I had some business to attend to in Gary. So I flew into Chicago and then we drove from there to Gary. I was not impressed, I must tell you. We got the heck out of there once our business was done.

While we were driving I would see a car parked at the side of the freeway. Nice cars too. There must have been mechanical problems. On the way back every one of them had been stipped of all tires, the hood was open, the trunk was open, the window smashed out. But the hazzard lights were still flashing. I had never seen such a thing before. That was my one and only impression of Gary, Indiana.

Peewee

[jb]

I was always pretty sure that if you were going to give the world an enemas, you'd insert the tube at Pecos, TX

[jb]

BTW, this is the 2nd trip she's made in the last 3 years, but the first she's made with her GC in hand, (1st time was with an AP).  Her comment when she left was that she hoped the GC would cut down on the hassle at Immigration when she arrives "home". 

I just laughed and told her the next time she makes the trip she should have her blue passport, and then she gets to stand in the long line at IAH passport control.

[catzenmouse]

She goes and you stay.  Two advantages to this. You get a bit of a mental rest from this intensive relationship and the expense of two traveling is one third less in cost than the expense of three traveling.

 This may be the most relevent thing to consider SoC. It has been a bit of a roller coaster at times. If all else is equal it might be needed on both sides. Just a thought.

Ken

[catzenmouse]

I wouldnt call it the armpit of the USA,,
that would be a more likely moniker for Gary , or Whiting Ind.
(sorry thats bound to offend someone,, relax its just a joke ) 

 I always thought it was New Jersey....

 When I lived in Canada we called New Brunswick the armpit and most of the people in Quebec were the @holes...

 jb,

 Did she say she missed you before the dog or after? 

[jb]

That little dog is an issue unto herself.  The last time Etna was away, the dog, then still a puppy, ran off, and I had to tell her that "Lilly" was gone.  We ultimately found and reclaimed the mutt, but I haven't yet lived it down.

As for who she misses most, me or the dog,,, well, she has no reason to suspect I'll go missing, but the dog has a history.

[PeeWee]

That little dog is an issue unto herself.  The last time Etna was away, the dog, then still a puppy, ran off, and I had to tell her that "Lilly" was gone.  We ultimately found and reclaimed the mutt, but I haven't yet lived it down.

As for who she misses most, me or the dog,,, well, she has no reason to suspect I'll go missing, but the dog has a history.

You know as well as I, jb, that dogs are people, to some people. When I first met Lena she told me that she owned two dogs. They both live in her garden. She asked me if I had a pet. I have no pets because where I live they have to be on a leash at all times so I don't bother with them but I like dogs and cats. Lena did not know why, I simply told her that I do not have pets. She got very excited about that because, as it turned out, she is repulsed that people will allow a dog into their home, bed, and even eat from the same dinner plate as they do. So all of a sudden I was her hero. To this day she still tells me how happy she is that I do not own a cat or a dog. One never knows how another will react to what you tell them.

Peewee