Midlife Crises - Shoot it Down...

[Admin]

Was just thinking about something - and I have absolutely nothing to base this on other than thinking about it on the drive to work recently, so presented only as food for thought.

What if it is ALL about instinct?

[Background] We have heard about women who feel pressure to have children because of their 'biological clock' and the possibility their window of opportunity might close at about age 35 or 40. My sense is - if true (and I think it is), this could add some pressure, or even desparation, to a young woman's (less than 40) urge to have children - and engage in the necessary behaviors to bring them about.

So if a woman faces a midlife crisis (or whatever you want to call it) at about age 35 or 40 - when, if at all, does a similar crisis occur in men?

I believe I recall reading that a man's sperm count diminishes as he enters into his 30's, 40's and 50's. Not to say he cannot father a child into his 70's - but the odds are being diminished after the 40's - so as he enters the 50's. Maybe I am wrong - but I'd wager this is not a bad guess.

So.... we have women in the late 20's worrying about having babies. We have men entering into the 50's *perhaps* acting out of instinct and wanting to (pardon the crude phrase) plant as many seeds as possible. Both, before they lose the ability (in practical terms) to do so.

Do you suppose there is ANY possibility that THIS might have something to do with the age disparity - the women's willingness to accept an older partner - and the men's interest in a younger partner??

We could also hypothesize as to other contributing factors - but what if it is all stemming from an age-old instinct designed to perpetuate the species??

I don't suppose it matters one way or another. If it is, or if it is not, will probably not change anyone's mind about age disparity and acceptability. But it is an interesting hypothesis (to me, anyway).

OK - shoot it down.

- Dan

[Michelangelo]

Nothing to shoot down because I suspect you are correct.  And it might be more than biological-at the subconscious level men don't want to get old so they begin again with a new family.  And FSU girls are glad to settle down with a rich and experienced man...

[BC]

I admit that not being able to have another child was one of many factors that contributed to the demise of my previous somewhat long-term relationship (not a marriage). I guess a touch of midlife-crisis was hanging 'round.

Although I wanted another child I had no real expectations of it ever happening.. until I met my wife who also shared the same desire quite strongly.   We didn't plan to meet each other and neither of us was actively looking for someone for marriage but this common desire was important to us both.

When we met we were 42/25. It still it took a couple months of thought for both of us to figure out if our motivations were ok and if we were truly making rational decisions(mostly on my part).  I think had I been 5 years older at the time I would have been pushing the envelope too far, with my motivation factors leaning more towards ego and proving potency. 

Yes I acted instinctively and jumped at the opportunity! 

[BillyB]

Men have an need to release their hormones through sex instead of just wanting to plant seeds to have babies. Women have more of a need to have babies. A woman's prime child bearing years are in her 20's and it's also the years she is most physically attractive. An older divorced man attempting a second chance at marriage will likely choose a woman younger more beautiful than his first wife. Of course he has to have the right stuff to land a younger more beautiful woman. Some woman find older men attractive in many ways as do some women find the maturity of an 18 year old man attractive. Everyone has different tastes. People also tend to look at the physical and mental characteristics of a potential partner. Passing good genes to your children are important for some people.

Looking at tons of profiles on bride.ru, I've seen young women write they are looking for a man 18-20 years old. I'm sure after a few years of no luck finding any man serious or mature enough, these women will up their age requirements. Some of the young women in my fiancee's English class questioned the 12.5 age difference we have but after talking with them about many issues, they started to respect me and I'm sure they would've dated me after we talked. The older women I talked to in Uzbekistan were more receptive to the age difference and said I was at a perfect marrying age for a man. Their thoughts were I'm still young(35 at the time) and I should be wise to the ways of the world and know what I want in life and established in my career. They think my fiancee will do well with me as I would be a good guide for her in life.

I don't think men enter into a midlife crisis as women do. If anything, men may be unhappy with their current life and want to move on to a different career or play the field or get out of their current marriage after the kids grow up testing new waters.

[KenC]

Dan,
We are more "animal" that most of us care to admit. I don't think your theory is too far off. I saw a special report on sexuality a few years ago on the Discovery channel (I believe). In it they explored what was perceived as appealing sexual traits in women and the basis for the appeal. One of the biggest factors for men in determining the "sexiness" of a woman, was their waist hip ratio (The larger dif the better) . The documentary went on to make the point that this trait was instinctively desirable to men because it would insure an easier child birth. The reason we men are attracted to women with large breasts is obvious, but I never quite understood why I was a "butt man" before.   

A "midlife crisis" is no more than and end of an era for the individual. For women it certainly includes the ending of her ability to conceive, but it also encompasses more than just that. For example, a woman who's young children have reached the age where they have some independence from their mothers, certainly affects her outlook on life. All of a sudden, she is not needed any more. This is what happened to my first wife and I witnessed it first hand.
KenC

[jb]

Hummmm, I dunno about a crisis in mid-life.  I think the crisis can occur at any age if the needs of a person are not being met.

I am reminded of Abraham Maslow's research which pointed out that belonging and love needs were the third most powerful urges people feel.  After the physiological needs (food, water, shelter, etc., are satified), then security needs, (no one is trying to kill you), then comes the need for companionship and sex.  Speaking only for myself, but the urge to satify that craving have always been strong.  I suspect I'm not so different and I wonder what age might have to do with it.

Just from personal observations, I've seen many divorces among men in their 30's, entirely too young to be in a mid-life crisis.  And I've seen women in their 20's straying from the marriage bed.  Do you explain this by simply saying these are just bad people?  I don't think so. I believe some of the social screwups we see are pathological in nature, but certainly not all.  Frankly, I really think it's a question of needs, boredom, and exposure, not age related.   

[Turboguy]

I agree jb, some good points.  The part that never made sense to me is should there be two maslows charts.   One for women, one for men.   I will explain this a couple of different ways  If food water and shelter are the most important and on the bottom.  Why do men think about those things so little and sex so much.   

My thoughts are there should be two charts.  The woman's should have food and shelter on the bottom along with furs, diamonds, jewlery etc.   The guys should have sex on the bottom along with fishing and hunting or cars and food and water should be much higher.