Online dating: Feels like interviewing

[adventureh]

Hi,

I am new to all this Eastern European woman dating and have tried a few different sites just to see what happens. Generally it is a very positive experience compared to what I have experienced in my own country.

I have noticed the following:

1. In 19 out of 20 contacts, when establishing contact with a girl and receiving a response, the responses are typically very short. If we keep communicating it is more like a one way conversation where I do the asking and she gives the answers. She rarely comes up with something on her own. It feels like an interrogation or interview. Is that because she is very bad at English or she is just politely answering my questions ... and basically not interested in me, but gets a "high" from alle the male attention (I am for sure not the only one talking to her)? Is that because she wants the man to fully lead the conversation because it is the mans job? In these cases I quickly loose interest because I dont get a lot back. But then again I dont know if she really wants me to go on. Should I invest more time in the ones that dont give a lot back?.

2. In 1 out of 20, I will have a perfect communication right from the beginning - back and forth - and she is truly interested. Because, compared to the other 19 she is asking questions and not just waiting. She will answer every day. In these cases I quickly feel that we should meet in reality to see if we have chemistry ... but then you have 1000s of miles in between and I get discouraged.

Adventureh

[fathertime]

Hi,

I am new to all this Eastern European woman dating and have tried a few different sites just to see what happens. Generally it is a very positive experience compared to what I have experienced in my own country.

I have noticed the following:

1. In 19 out of 20 contacts, when establishing contact with a girl and receiving a response, the responses are typically very short. If we keep communicating it is more like a one way conversation where I do the asking and she gives the answers. She rarely comes up with something on her own. It feels like an interrogation or interview. Is that because she is very bad at English or she is just politely answering my questions ... and basically not interested in me, but gets a "high" from alle the male attention (I am for sure not the only one talking to her)? Is that because she wants the man to fully lead the conversation because it is the mans job? In these cases I quickly loose interest because I dont get a lot back. But then again I dont know if she really wants me to go on. Should I invest more time in the ones that dont give a lot back?.

2. In 1 out of 20, I will have a perfect communication right from the beginning - back and forth - and she is truly interested. Because, compared to the other 19 she is asking questions and not just waiting. She will answer every day. In these cases I quickly feel that we should meet in reality to see if we have chemistry ... but then you have 1000s of miles in between and I get discouraged.

Adventureh

When I was communicating with women online in Ukraine and then in Colombia, I found it to be only good to a certain point.  Often times I would get similar type responses as you are describing....but I was mostly just trying to get some contacts for when my feet hit the ground.    I was only talking to ladies after I knew I was close to making a trip...   All in all, I found the online conversations boring and just wanted to partake long enough to set up in-person meetings....That isn't the only way obviously, but it worked for me. 


Fathertime!   

[DatingCoachUSSR]

There are several things to consider:

On many sites you will find scammers.
 They can be professionals working for the site or they can have joined a site free for them to make their business.
Their main duty in the first case is too let pay as long as possible site's services and, in the second case they just want to extract the maximum money of your wallet.

BUT there are also many genuine women
All depend of the sites you are dealing with.
The main difficulty you will find is that they are not fluent in english most of the time.
It's why they don't answer you long letters. How can they?

Just a little question: are you enough skilled in russian to write to them?
We, DatingCoachUSSR, bet that if tomorrow you write in russian all your lettters your story will be very different, not only because
A/ All the genuine and interested women will start to exchange a lot with you
B/ The scammers will leave the boat as quickly as possible.

Last thing: in FSU you are the man, you lead, so writing is only useful, has a meaning, if it's followed  by concrete actions.

We can understand how discouraged you are when things are going back and forth and you feel chemistry coming. You simply start to be worried because you don't have a clear idea about the next developments.

1/ have you come in international dating because you have a strong willing and that's a deliberated choice?
2/ Have you already set up a date for a travel? 


What type of sites are you communicating with?

[Steamer]

Most East European women I know do not like idle "chit-chat" or as my wife says "talking about nothing" especially when they don't know you. They have no frame of reference to guide a  conversation. It's awkward at first but keep at it until they feel more comfortable with you then things will change.

[Darth_Budda]

You must find a few subjects of common interest.. "Chit-Chat" will become easier... But not in letters.. skype is for "chit chat"..

Google translate, work rather well for Russian... Ukrainian is Hit or miss...  For items that need better translation...

Just a thought.... Letters always have/had a formal feel....

[Faux Pas]

It is an interview. Don't shy away from it and if it turns your stomach my advice is, to get over it or move on. The nuances of online dating locally versus overseas are completely different. IMHO, created largely by the language barrier and what venue (i.e. dating or intro site) you are using.

If the site is direct contact with the lady and unless you are sending your emails in Russian, she is going through some painstaking process to answer your questions in English. Thus, replies will likely be short and to the point.  If you are contacting them through an agency site with translators, the responses likely seem chatty (as will scammers). The fact that they answer shows interest and it is akin to peeling back an onion. Perhaps don't ask so many questions an offer information about yourself (but, don't over do it).

You want to start out with a shotgun approach and quickly move in with a rifle approach with those that peak your interest. Move to phone calls and skype as soon as possible. Keep in mind online dating with women at home and speak your own language is sketchy, unclear and undefined mostly because it's online and not in person. Add in you both speak different languages and it's compounded by 100.

I caution you about gravitating to the chatty ones and ignoring the shorter responses. As an example, my now wife spoke English and initially, all her emails were short. She was uncomfortable writing it so as not to be misunderstood.

Good luck

[Patagonie]

I caution you about gravitating to the chatty ones and ignoring the shorter responses. As an example, my now wife spoke English and initially, all her emails were short. She was uncomfortable writing it so as not to be misunderstood.

Good luck

+1
Short answers doesn't mean no interest.
You can exchange few short letters with a woman.
Go to see her and marry her.

Calling her or Skype with her is an interesting way to know her better.
But don't rely too much on chit chatting.
When we met together as a couple, none of us was speaking a common language.

[jone]

Hi,

I am new to all this Eastern European woman dating and have tried a few different sites just to see what happens. Generally it is a very positive experience compared to what I have experienced in my own country.

Please, tell us specifically what sites you are viewing and where you received your 'positive' feedback. 

[Lily]

Personally, I never felt like I was interrogated or interviewed by someone who I met online. Everyone asked questions but just never had a negative feel. Hope that the guys felt the same.

Those who complain that they felt like that - would you please tell what would you expect instead? How, in your opinion, a meeting should proceed in order not to resemble an interrogation?

[Larry1]

Personally, I never felt like I was interrogated or interviewed by someone who I met online. Everyone asked questions but just never had a negative feel. Hope that the guys felt the same.

Those who complain that they felt like that - would you please tell what would you expect instead? How, in your opinion, a meeting should proceed in order not to resemble an interrogation?

The interviewing analogy reminds me of a few AW I met through online dating. In either the first or second exchange of messages on the Match.com message system I asked one for her phone number. In response she sent me a list of 6-7 essay type questions, including why did my marriage break up. I was going to have to spend perhaps an hour addressing them all. I had begun to prepare dinner so I had to break to complete dinner and would answer her questions when we finished dinner. An hour or so later I came back to Match.com and found a new message from her - "Didn't want to answer my questions?  I understand."  In conjunction with her previous message posing the questions I took this to mean that she was closing communication with me.  I responded to the questions.  My responses satisfied her so she gave me her phone number.

Another AW from Match.com was a bit more difficult. In her first message to me she said, "your profile says that you like to travel. What locations have you visited in the past year, not for business?"  I thought back over the last year and realized that I had traveled a great deal on business but not much for vacation. So I wrote that to her. She replied, "Ok. What locations have you visited during the previous year, not for business?"  I listed my destinations and that apparently satisfied her.  I asked for her number and she responded that she didn't want to go further with me because I had kids.  She had previously seen the presence of kids adversely affect a relationship. I wondered why we had to go through all of this.  My profile, which she clearly had read, said that I had kids.

I have rarely, if ever, had any FSUW treat this process like a job interview. For that matter I never had a FSUW living here treat it like a job interview. That was refreshing.

I've told this story before, but on a first date with a slender and somewhat attractive AW in her early 40s she revealed that she nixed her last budding relationship for his answer to her question as to what he would order in a Chinese restaurant (Almond Chicken, in case you were wondering). She was a big foodie and didn't regard that order as sufficiently adventurous.* I've told that story to a few FSUW I came to know well and they were all shocked that a girl would throw away a budding relationship for what they regarded as a frivolous reason.

I've had the idea that the online dating process in America is akin to a job search where you are one of thousands of applicants and the AW is the hiring manager. You put together your resume (dating site profile) carefully in order to appeal to the hiring manager.  Otherwise she will throw it out in favor of some of the other thousand candidates. You must craft your cover letter (initial message on the dating site) so that she will look at your resume (your profile).  If she is impressed then you get a telephone interview. If she is impressed on the phone then you get a face to face interview (your first meeting). If she is impressed then you get a follow-up meeting. After a few dates you might be "hired" as the boyfriend, or at least probationary boyfriend.

I'm fairly certain that this kind of thing doesn't often happen if you're in the top 1% of the dating world, with great looks, some wealth, a very high income from a high-status occupation, etc.


* Some of you might wonder why she didn't allow a second chance over what seems to be a minor infraction.  She might go to a Chinese restaurant with this fellow, each order a different dish, and share the food. Chinese food, because of the way it is served, particularly lends itself to this sharing. Perhaps the guy would have enjoyed a piquant shredded pork in ginger/garlic sauce. Or perhaps he would have spit it out into his napkin, in which case she would be confident in her decision to severe relations with him. But because of the scarcity of non-overweight AW over age 40 on the dating sites she knew that she didn't have to give him a second chance. She could just scroll through a few hundred messages sent to her by other guys, on her quest to find one who ticks ALL her boxes.

[jone]

What?  You mean that dating in America allows a semi-good looking woman to be choosy?  Why would that be?  Perhaps because of all the not so good looking women here?

[Ludmila]

Hi,

I am new to all this Eastern European woman dating and have tried a few different sites just to see what happens. Generally it is a very positive experience compared to what I have experienced in my own country.

I have noticed the following:

1. In 19 out of 20 contacts, when establishing contact with a girl and receiving a response, the responses are typically very short. If we keep communicating it is more like a one way conversation where I do the asking and she gives the answers. She rarely comes up with something on her own. It feels like an interrogation or interview. Is that because she is very bad at English or she is just politely answering my questions ... and basically not interested in me, but gets a "high" from alle the male attention (I am for sure not the only one talking to her)? Is that because she wants the man to fully lead the conversation because it is the mans job? In these cases I quickly loose interest because I dont get a lot back. But then again I dont know if she really wants me to go on. Should I invest more time in the ones that dont give a lot back?.

2. In 1 out of 20, I will have a perfect communication right from the beginning - back and forth - and she is truly interested. Because, compared to the other 19 she is asking questions and not just waiting. She will answer every day. In these cases I quickly feel that we should meet in reality to see if we have chemistry ... but then you have 1000s of miles in between and I get discouraged.

Adventureh

Adventureh, you're giving too little info about yourself : the age difference with your respondents ( if the difference is quite big, the ladies aren't likely to "dash themselves " into the relationship; if  you're out of their league education wise ( i.e. a plumber vs a Ph.D lady); ditto  in the sense of appearence) . If all the "preliminary" filtering is OK, there is psychological comatibility there too ( some are extroverts, some-- intraverts); and there are some whose English is simply poor.
I would advise you to exchange short emails on a regular basis ( every second day, par example), where you would be sharing some of your thoughts about YOUR LIFE, and asking them what THEY think and how THEY go about the same.  Sometimes, simply ask the lady "Are you too shy to share your thoughts
with me? " If it isn't a scam lady, she may have been burnt too by scammers, so, please, don't discount this fact.
Quoting you "In these cases I quickly feel that we should meet in reality to see if we have chemistry ... "Doing things quickly" will get you nowhere, my friend. Either in local or international dating ( unless you're looking only for a sex adventure).  No fuss in this process.

[ML]

What is a 'sex adventure?'

When you really aren't quite sure concerning the gender of the potential partner ?

What might be lurking . . . up there !

[Patagonie]

The interviewing analogy reminds me of a few AW I met through online dating. In either the first or second exchange of messages on the Match.com message system I asked one for her phone number. In response she sent me a list of 6-7 essay type questions, including why did my marriage break up. I was going to have to spend perhaps an hour addressing them all. I had begun to prepare dinner so I had to break to complete dinner and would answer her questions when we finished dinner. An hour or so later I came back to Match.com and found a new message from her - "Didn't want to answer my questions?  I understand."  In conjunction with her previous message posing the questions I took this to mean that she was closing communication with me.  I responded to the questions.  My responses satisfied her so she gave me her phone number.

Another AW from Match.com was a bit more difficult. In her first message to me she said, "your profile says that you like to travel. What locations have you visited in the past year, not for business?"  I thought back over the last year and realized that I had traveled a great deal on business but not much for vacation. So I wrote that to her. She replied, "Ok. What locations have you visited during the previous year, not for business?"  I listed my destinations and that apparently satisfied her.  I asked for her number and she responded that she didn't want to go further with me because I had kids.  She had previously seen the presence of kids adversely affect a relationship. I wondered why we had to go through all of this.  My profile, which she clearly had read, said that I had kids.

I have rarely, if ever, had any FSUW treat this process like a job interview. For that matter I never had a FSUW living here treat it like a job interview. That was refreshing.

I've told this story before, but on a first date with a slender and somewhat attractive AW in her early 40s she revealed that she nixed her last budding relationship for his answer to her question as to what he would order in a Chinese restaurant (Almond Chicken, in case you were wondering). She was a big foodie and didn't regard that order as sufficiently adventurous.* I've told that story to a few FSUW I came to know well and they were all shocked that a girl would throw away a budding relationship for what they regarded as a frivolous reason.

I've had the idea that the online dating process in America is akin to a job search where you are one of thousands of applicants and the AW is the hiring manager. You put together your resume (dating site profile) carefully in order to appeal to the hiring manager.  Otherwise she will throw it out in favor of some of the other thousand candidates. You must craft your cover letter (initial message on the dating site) so that she will look at your resume (your profile).  If she is impressed then you get a telephone interview. If she is impressed on the phone then you get a face to face interview (your first meeting). If she is impressed then you get a follow-up meeting. After a few dates you might be "hired" as the boyfriend, or at least probationary boyfriend.

I'm fairly certain that this kind of thing doesn't often happen if you're in the top 1% of the dating world, with great looks, some wealth, a very high income from a high-status occupation, etc.


* Some of you might wonder why she didn't allow a second chance over what seems to be a minor infraction.  She might go to a Chinese restaurant with this fellow, each order a different dish, and share the food. Chinese food, because of the way it is served, particularly lends itself to this sharing. Perhaps the guy would have enjoyed a piquant shredded pork in ginger/garlic sauce. Or perhaps he would have spit it out into his napkin, in which case she would be confident in her decision to severe relations with him. But because of the scarcity of non-overweight AW over age 40 on the dating sites she knew that she didn't have to give him a second chance. She could just scroll through a few hundred messages sent to her by other guys, on her quest to find one who ticks ALL her boxes.

Nice post Larry.
I have never felt the job interview with FSUW.
One time i met one who was close to a western girl,  she was not feminine and almost agressive. Very atypical in the FSU landscape.
Generally FSU women just let it go. They just want to enjoy you if you are enough attracting for them.
And if they really have good time with you, you have your chances so long as you keep her interest.

With some AW things happen like an interview, you feel that they have a list.
We are more in a logical process rather than an emotional process.

In the west they add the plus and the minus to calculate the score.
FSUW have a good or a bad impression of a guy, they adore you or they escape.
With some AW, the first times you believe that are more applying for the Seals, and all this time under scrutiny.

I just want you to notice that they do to men what they would never accept from them, THEORICALLY.

[ML]

When doing my standard 6-8 email messages over a 6 week period for a WMVM visit to a specific FSU town, I encountered one gal who did go through a 'interview' type process with me.  Many fairly blunt questions.  But I went through with it because she was good looking, slender, and had excellent English.

After several dates in her city, I got to meet her two girls.  One 15 and one 21.  Found out the 21 year old had really done most of the corresponding with me . . . and was asking those questions.  All three of them had a very high level of English.

And, as you can imagine, she was the one who posted her mother's profile on the dating website, etc.  The mother had poo-pooed the whole idea, thinking that it would never lead to anything as she was in her 40s with two children.

Despite the 'hard interviewing' by the daughter via email,  these 3 females and I developed a great relationship, and had Ochka not happened along . . . they might have been my family.

[Wayne]

The problem with the woman with a 21 year old daughter is that you would not be able to file a K-2 visa for her. I don't think the mother would want to leave her daughter behind. Of course, you could always move to her country.

[Chicagoguy]

I wrote both American and Russian women but my experiences were all different from many described here. Maybe because they were all over age 50. Never any games. All were sincere. And I met many in person. When meeting in person it was easy for me to decide who to see again.