Mid Week Humour

[Rvrwind]

I recieved this in an email from a friend & although not directly related to RW if one concentrates on the ending, one realizes  how close it describes some of the companies in the MOB buisness, I will bold that of which I speak, LOL. It is funny on its own merit as well though.
I'll probably get torched for this but I couldn't resist!!! Jack will surely see the humor in it, LOL.

The Donkey and The Raffle
 
 A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.  The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."  Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."  The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."  Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."  The farmer then asks, "What ya gonna do with him?"  Kenny replies, "I'm going to raffle him off."  "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaims the farmer.  Kenny says, "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"  Kenny replies, "Like I told you, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."  Stunned the farmer asks, "Didn't anyone complain?"   Kenny replies, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of HRB.

[catzenmouse]

Attn: Entrepeneurs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

[Rvrwind]

Good one Ken...
Which brings me to there ain't nobody more serious about hockey than a red blooded Canadian...

A True Canadian
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his
seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next
to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be
sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we  haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No ...they're all at the funeral."

[catzenmouse]

ROFLMAO! That would be me!

Hope all is going well Richard!

Ken

[catzenmouse]

This just sounds too much like us sometimes:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently

33 to post "Me too"

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out that light bulbs have never been changed correctly and we
need to come up with many new ways

23 to say how it's always been done is just fine

2 to correct spelling/grammar of previous posts

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

44 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Rvrwind]

Ken, you are a twisted individual!!! ;DBut I hear ya' between the lines

[SANDRO43]

Add :
- 1 ranting enragedly that bulbs were originally invented by Pavlov, of course.
- 2 maintaining that bulbs SHOULD be changed, if you want to see what's on the bottom of a dirty barrel.
- 3 complaining that imported bulbs are a menace to their way of lighting.
- 1 asserting that changing bulbs is really a underestimated form of Zen art, same as munching carrots.
- 1 saying that having to change bulbs is such a sad occurrence.
- 1 sputtering that ALL bulbs should have their wattage and candle power CLEARLY and OPENLY indicated, lest one misuses them.

[TexasBoar]

Add . . .

. . . and then there's always that one darn Viking (not YOU, viking!  ) who says he can see just fine by the light of the burning monastery . . .

Heh heh heh. 

~Boar

[Rvrwind]

A True Story, Even Jay Leno Talked About It"
You've got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University, in good ole Clemson, SC.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a
huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party
was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired
a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F---you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,
as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends:
$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar
of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......"

[jb]

Yeah, I read that one somewhere else.

It's a funny story, but very cruel in it's own way.  Poor bastards of the bride's family who paid for it all are prolly hunting for her head about now.

[viking]

Ken

And there are always the

15 members who have visited home depot a dozen times and still cant find the right bulb

7 who have said the heck with light bulbs anyway. I'm going back to the local candles so I least can get some 'heat' tonight.

[Rvrwind]

Subject: FW: One lucky man
 
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year and decided to get married. There was only one thing
bothering me: her beautiful younger sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two,
wore very tight miniskirts and went bra-less.
 
One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she
wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister.
 
Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going up stairs to my bedroom but if you want one last wild fling, come
up and join me." I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs . At
the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me.
 
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out
the front door to my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was
standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future
father-in-law hugged me and said, "We're so happy that you've passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
 
Always, always, keep your condoms in your car...........

[acrzybear]

That last one was TFF Richard

[viking]

An email I received from a friend. Number 2 could possibly be used by some members here!!

 he Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
Here are this year's winners:
 
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops  bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows  little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

 

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously  when you are running late.

 

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.



8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting  through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

 

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 
 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating

And the pick of the literature:

 

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[acrzybear]

I found an old photo of Rvrwind's days in the Canadian Navy on border watch (keeping us Americans on our side of the border) 

 

[acrzybear]

I think I found my new motto

[Rvrwind]

Cute Corbett, I like that one, LOL.

[Mir]

Is this about fsu men