First bump in the road

[KenInUtah]

Hi guys,

Well I guess this was to be expected, little things that sadden her.  So this afternoon she gets quiet and goes for a walk herself.  I knew something was bothering her and after some convincing to get it out of her, I finally got the answer.

1) She was upset that when she put a bandana on her head, I called her "my little babushka"
2) I was surprised when she asked me where the salt was to refill the shaker (I just filled it last Wed) and told her I have to be careful because of my high blood pressure
3) She said she was going to take the trash out and I said "we filled the trash already?"

All these things hurt her feelings because she felt I was "belittling" her, for lack of a better word.  Nothing was said in any tone other than conversational and yes, I have apologized as there was absolutely nothing meant meanly about anything.

Any suggestions, guys?

[ML]

This is why we always caution people to move slowly in these relationships.

You two really don't know each other at all.

[BillyB]

1) She was upset that when she put a bandana on her head, I called her "my little babushka"
2) I was surprised when she asked me where the salt was to refill the shaker (I just filled it last Wed) and told her I have to be careful because of my high blood pressure
3) She said she was going to take the trash out and I said "we filled the trash already?"

Hey! A bump in the road is better than a bump in the head!

1) Not many wives would be comfortable with her husband calling her his little grandmother.
2) She's asking you where the salt was. Just show her, don't need to add additional commentary such as you filling it last Wed and you have high blood pressure. She can see how much salt is in the shaker and if she likes it 95% filled at all times, let her run the kitchen the way she likes. Have you told her you have high blood pressure in the past? She may think you think she doesn't care about you or she's too dumb to remember what you said in the past. Have faith she'll take care of you and won't use a lot of salt in the food. If you taste too much salt in a meal, then ask her to use less next time.
3) Wrong answer. When she says she's taking out the trash, you take out the trash. If you're surprised she's generating a lot of garbage, it's probably because she's doing a good job cleaning the house and/or because the occupancy in your home doubled which doubles the rate of garbage to take out.

[Gator]

ML's advice and Billy's advice is good. 

She has just made a huge move in her life, so she is very vulnerable now.  Also, RW have much pride and anything you say  may ne interpreted as  a criticism.  Console her, tell her you love her, and say "Yes darling"   frequently.

American humor is not the same as Russian humor, so put a cork in any attempts at humor.   Whatever you do, do not analyze much less discuss what she said vs. what you did.  In fact, wait at least six months before atempting that stage.

BTW, how long has it been since you lived with a woman?  And she with a man?

[fathertime]

Hi guys,

Well I guess this was to be expected, little things that sadden her.  So this afternoon she gets quiet and goes for a walk herself.  I knew something was bothering her and after some convincing to get it out of her, I finally got the answer.

1) She was upset that when she put a bandana on her head, I called her "my little babushka"
2) I was surprised when she asked me where the salt was to refill the shaker (I just filled it last Wed) and told her I have to be careful because of my high blood pressure
3) She said she was going to take the trash out and I said "we filled the trash already?"

All these things hurt her feelings because she felt I was "belittling" her, for lack of a better word.  Nothing was said in any tone other than conversational and yes, I have apologized as there was absolutely nothing meant meanly about anything.

Any suggestions, guys?

Sensitive lady.   You could be very conservative with your conversation.  Maybe she doesn't want to hear much out of you unless it is necessary/useful conversation. 
 
If my wife wore a bandana I would think 'hippy' before grandmother! 


How did she react to your apology? 


Fathertime! 

[calmissile]

Ken, actually I think your situation is fairly normal.  We went through it as well.
The best advice I can think of is to use your personality to help her learn to laugh together over the misunderstandings.  You will have many of them.
Tell her you love her at least 12 times a day.   Make her as comfortable as possible in her new environment.  It also helps to make sure she feels that her new home is "her home".   I told my wife the first day that the kitchen belongs to her completely and to arrange the house however she wanted it.

Good luck.  Things are likely to improve as time goes on.

[jone]

Well, we can all understand why she didn't marry a Russian man.  If she would have, she never would have gotten any sympathy for her vulnerabilities.

[BillyB]

If my wife wore a bandana I would think 'hippy' before grandmother! 

 I doubt bandana is what she wore. Probably it was a namitka, ochipok, or kerchief. Many Ukrainian women wear these as a sign they are married. Understandable why Ken's wife was hurt when he said she's his little grandmother. Ken may have misinterpreted what "babushka" means.

[calmissile]

I would rather think that she interpreted it as being a grandma.   
In  any case, laughing off the misunderstandings is the best medicine to success for different cultures.

[Boethius]

Well, we can all understand why she didn't marry a Russian man.  If she would have, she never would have gotten any sympathy for her vulnerabilities.

I "hear" what you are saying, but I disagree.  Russian men are more gallant than are WM.  The culture of alcohol destroys FSUM, but those that don't drink are top notch. 

[Boethius]

This is why we always caution people to move slowly in these relationships.

You two really don't know each other at all.

All couples are strangers until they live together.

[Boethius]

Well, the babushka thing wouldn't have bothered me, but I suppose that is about age/insecurity.  She interpreted it as you implying she is unattractive and past her prime.  Given that most foreign men are, in fact, looking for women far younger than they are, I can fully understand this insecurity.


On salt - it took me 20 years to retrain my better half on salt.  I don't have health issues with it, but I generally don't salt salads, or some cooking vegetables (broccoli, asparagus, and the like, I do salt potatoes/pasta, etc.).  I don't even salt my oatmeal, which my husband to this day finds weird (and he cooks his own porridge, I never tried to change his salt, or sugar, intake on that).


I suggest you sit down with her and tell her you love properly salted foods, and you love her cooking, however, your doctor has restricted your salt intake, and because her cooking is so fabulous, you are unsure of its salt content, you just want to ensure you are following your doctor's orders.


Sit down and tell her you know there will be misunderstandings, and you are happy she told you her feelings.  Tell her what she feels and thinks are important to you, and if she is unhappy with something, she should continue to let you know.  Open communication is the key.

[calmissile]

Ken,  if you want a UA woman to chat with your wife send me a PM and the gals can chat on Skype.   My wife has a very upbeat attitude toward immigration to the USA and might provide some comfort and security for her.  The first few months are critical to her and she might appreciate the opinions and experiences of someone that has been through the experience.   

[jone]

Well, the babushka thing wouldn't have bothered me, but I suppose that is about age/insecurity.  She interpreted it as you implying she is unattractive and past her prime.  Given that most foreign men are, in fact, looking for women far younger than they are, I can fully understand this insecurity.


On salt - it took me 20 years to retrain my better half on salt.  I don't have health issues with it, but I generally don't salt salads, or some cooking vegetables (broccoli, asparagus, and the like, I do salt potatoes/pasta, etc.).  I don't even salt my oatmeal, which my husband to this day finds weird (and he cooks his own porridge, I never tried to change his salt, or sugar, intake on that).


I suggest you sit down with her and tell her you love properly salted foods, and you love her cooking, however, your doctor has restricted your salt intake, and because her cooking is so fabulous, you are unsure of its salt content, you just want to ensure you are following your doctor's orders.


Sit down and tell her you know there will be misunderstandings, and you are happy she told you her feelings.  Tell her what she feels and thinks are important to you, and if she is unhappy with something, she should continue to let you know.  Open communication is the key.

Not a good idea, Boe.  My woman would insist I allow her to meet my doctor and quiz him.  Never get caught in a lie with an Eastern European woman.

[Boethius]

Why is it a lie?  He said in his first post he has to be careful about salt because of his high blood pressure, so clearly it is monitored.


ETA - I would never suggest lying to a spouse or SO.

[Muzh]

Oh boy.


Take it for what it is. 


As Gator said, smile and say yes dear. Repeatedly.


Right now, she is the "boss" and you'll have to cater to her every whim. BUT, you'll have to be the "man of the house." That means you'll take care of the minutae that entails running a household AND to her liking so a lot of explaining on what you are doing.


It will take a (long) while before she gets up-to-speed and by that time she will be an American woman.


Good luck.

[jone]

Why is it a lie?  He said in his first post he has to be careful about salt because of his high blood pressure, so clearly it is monitored.


ETA - I would never suggest lying to a spouse or SO.

Sorry Boe.  Missed the reference above.  My bad.

[Faux Pas]

Hi guys,

Well I guess this was to be expected, little things that sadden her.  So this afternoon she gets quiet and goes for a walk herself.  I knew something was bothering her and after some convincing to get it out of her, I finally got the answer.

1) She was upset that when she put a bandana on her head, I called her "my little babushka"

Absolutely unequivocally the wrong answer. Babushka means to her you are calling her and old ugly woman. Many Russian words have underneath connotations you are simply not familiar with. There were other Russian words you could have said that would have had the opposite effect and made her feel very pretty/sexy. Learn those or leave the Russian alone

2) I was surprised when she asked me where the salt was to refill the shaker (I just filled it last Wed) and told her I have to be careful because of my high blood pressure

Leave the kitchen to her. Why would it surprise you that she asked where the salt is? Answer her questions without more questions, you'll only confuse her more causing more bad feelings/anguish

3) She said she was going to take the trash out and I said "we filled the trash already?"

Taking the trash out is your duty. Keep your eye on it, when it approaches the rim of the can get it bagged and out the door. No questions, no complaining and no compliments.

All these things hurt her feelings because she felt I was "belittling" her, for lack of a better word.  Nothing was said in any tone other than conversational and yes, I have apologized as there was absolutely nothing meant meanly about anything.

Any suggestions, guys?

Yes, you are belittling her, stop it. Think before you speak and stay away from the condescending tones and questions. Obviously your lady is a bit thin skinned and tender hearted. You would have known this already if you had taken the time to know each other before rushing in like your ass is on fire to get married. You are what we refer to as a one week wonder OWW. I and several others cautioned you to take your time and get to know each other. You were pretty flippant in your responses. Now you are reaping what you sow.

All is not lost and there will be many bumps in the road. You are living with and marrying a woman you don't know. You can get through it but it's likely going to get mighty bumpy along the way as you are getting to know, learning and living with and marrying the lady all at the same time. That makes the marriage much harder and the onus is on you. She is a fish completely out of the water.

[KenInUtah]

Thanks all!  As usual, some helpful comments and then the same people commenting who live in a negative world and just like to be "know-it-alls".  Once I separated the wheat from the chaff, I got some good advice.  And, all is good this morning.  No problems here.  One thing I did learn though, don't ask for help here because too many (not all) here are flippant and think they have all the answers.  You don't know either of us so no one is qualified to make judgements on what we do or have done.  Your situation is just that, YOUR situation and anything you have done has no relation to what we are doing.  No two people or relationships are alike.

[oso]

Ken, I always look at the blessings of a foreign spouse. It seems when we are apart I reflect on little things. One of my newest findings, is how well we communicate together. Even though my wife has a intermediate level of English we still have misunderstandings. I realize that with the difference in language it forces you to pay attention and listen better.

[Faux Pas]

Thanks all!  As usual, some helpful comments and then the same people commenting who live in a negative world and just like to be "know-it-alls".  Once I separated the wheat from the chaff, I got some good advice.  And, all is good this morning.  No problems here.  One thing I did learn though, don't ask for help here because too many (not all) here are flippant and think they have all the answers.  You don't know either of us so no one is qualified to make judgements on what we do or have done.  Your situation is just that, YOUR situation and anything you have done has no relation to what we are doing.  No two people or relationships are alike.

You're in denial. You want it sugar coated, then buy a donut. There is a lot of help offered to you in this thread and most all of it saying the same thing. The thing is, it isn't all about you. You're seeking advice from the fallout of much earlier advice you ignored. Now you are also a subject of that earlier ignored advice for others to learn from. This is a forum for folks to learn from.

[Miquel Westano]

Thanks all!  As usual, some helpful comments and then the same people commenting who live in a negative world and just like to be "know-it-alls".  Once I separated the wheat from the chaff, I got some good advice.  And, all is good this morning.  No problems here.  One thing I did learn though, don't ask for help here because too many (not all) here are flippant and think they have all the answers.  You don't know either of us so no one is qualified to make judgements on what we do or have done.  Your situation is just that, YOUR situation and anything you have done has no relation to what we are doing.  No two people or relationships are alike.

I didn't really see any comment here that was flippant or judgmental.  I thought you got some pretty good advice.  There are not many people on here who pull punches.  But the upside is when they offer advice, it is usually an attempt to help.  Anyway good luck with future communications.  I doubt this one incident will end up as a major hurdle, but be careful they don't just keep building up. 

[Muzh]

That's okay. He is still pissed at me.


No biggie.


Let him learn on his own. 

[Faux Pas]

That's okay. He is still pissed at me.


No biggie.


Let him learn on his own. 

Meh, makes me no difference whether he learns it or not. His history says not but I have no dog in that hunt. The information is there which is what is important. There were many before him and there will be many later. 

[jone]

Funny thing, for both you guys.....

I have learned from both of your Faux Pas(s). 

Here are two long time married men that have been considerate enough to give their advice to newbies on the forum.  Both have told me things I didn't want to hear, but later found out that they were right (having learned the hard way.)

Happy to have the forum so I don't let a little Faux Pas become a big fight, which, if you are fighting with an FSU woman, you will most likely not win.