New member seeking some guidance

[Anotherkiwi]

Informationally, Transaero has ceased operations to Vladivostok. Airfares between there and Moscow are skyrocketing to the point that most residents feel totally cutoff from the rest of the nation.

What is this obsession with Moscow as a stepping-off point for the far east of Russia?  Go WEST, young man!  You can get from Chicago to Vladivostok with just one stop - Seoul, Beijing or Tokyo.

Firstly, if you’ll drive 3 hours south of Vladivostok, it will be Japan not Nakhodka.

I know how literal you're being, but I assume that you yourself have been to Nakhodka.  Three hours seems far more than reasonable to drive 160-odd kilometres - especially the way that Russians seem to drive on the open road!  I'm sure I read somewhere that there is quite a fast train service.  Is that correct?

May be it is not much to see here for your girl, but I bet not much to see in your place also.

People always say this about their own town/city, no matter where they live.  They miss the point that it's all new to somebody visiting for the first time, and visitors ALWAYS find something to see.  In this case, the prime attraction is the young lady herself.

Airfares between there and Moscow are skyrocketing to the point that most residents feel totally cutoff from the rest of the nation <<< bulshit, there was a temporary problem. Aeroflot has their usual prices, I just checked. Transaero was not the only company doing flights in the area, and our guy has a great choice going through Korea, Japan or China to Vladivostok.

My point exactly.  We did this exercise not too long ago for someone else from the middle of the USA who was aiming to visit Russia's far east (Khabarovsk in his case.  We never heard from him again).

[Faux Pas]

John,
Honestly ask and answer yourself this question; would you make such plans and timeline for a woman you've never met that lived up the road say, in Tupelo? The same woman,  you are planning to meet her for the first time in a few months. You've communicated on the internet and spoken on the phone but would you really make moving, marriage and baby timeline plans? Really?

If you wouldn't, why would you do it with a Russian woman that comes from a different culture? You are an educated man obviously but, reasoned logic has abandoned you. You really reek of being extremely hard up. I'm not dissing you, I'm being honest.

Don't marry or even plan on marrying any woman you don't know. Forget K-1 visa, forget a visa for her at all until you've mad a few trips to visit her, learn her, learn her culture, let her learn you. If a relationship is in the offing, it will happen. If it isn't, you are only out some money. Trust me, you can't find the woman of your dreams on the cheap. This gal may be her, likely not. You don't know, you have no idea because you haven't met her yet. After you meet her you still likely will have no idea. You need to get to know her. If you spoke to her on skype, email and the phone all day everyday for the next 6 months, you still won't know her.

You can do this. You have the means and you have the time. It will take money and sacrifice but that is a mere drop in the bucket to sacrifice required for marriage and kids. Think about that.

You have found a treasure trove of info at RWD. Page after page of help and experiences for you to glean from. There are also pages and pages of train wrecks and what not to do. That's where you are headed if you don't take heed.

Good Luck to you

[John_A]

Yes, you're right. I'm an experienced enough dater to know that. I made a boo-boo, probably terminal here by reeking of desperation. I guess I wasn't prepared for the timeline, and I let my emotions get the best of me. This is my first time chatting with a Russian lady. Funny thing is, for the first month she was all over the phone. . . texting me 2-5 times a day, all the "sweetheart" talk, etc. etc. My emotions got away from me.

Its starting to look like this isn't my thing. One thing's for sure, the conflict resolution skills leave something to be desired.

Plus I don't like the attitude that's emerging.

I never seriously considered marrying a FSUW until this opportunity, so first time error. Live and learn.

I really don't know if I have it in me for this venue, but I'll keep it in mind.

Thank you all so much for the advice. This truly is a treasure trove!

John

[Faux Pas]

Yes, you're right. I'm an experienced enough dater to know that. I made a boo-boo, probably terminal here by reeking of desperation.

Probably not as bad as you think yet, she is trying to tell you something and you're not listening. Maybe insurmountable, maybe not

I guess I wasn't prepared for the timeline, and I let my emotions get the best of me. This is my first time chatting with a Russian lady. Funny thing is, for the first month she was all over the phone. . . texting me 2-5 times a day, all the "sweetheart" talk, etc. etc. My emotions got away from me.

The only timeline you need to be thinking at this stage, if you are infatuated as you believe you are is a timeline to go meet her. Forget everything else. It's been often said that these endeavors are not  foot race but a marathon. If any meeting with her goes south, nothing else matters, does it?

Its starting to look like this isn't my thing. One thing's for sure, the conflict resolution skills leave something to be desired.

Honestly, somehow I think it might be your thing. You've put the cart well before the horse on this one. Any relationship with long term possibilities has to be nurtured, fostered and given a chance to grow, succeed or fail.

Plus I don't like the attitude that's emerging.

I never seriously considered marrying a FSUW until this opportunity, so first time error. Live and learn.

I really don't know if I have it in me for this venue, but I'll keep it in mind.

There might be a chance to salvage that one. Maybe you don't want to after what you've seen. All the more reason it's utmost importance that you meet a woman before even remotely considering a possible 2nd trip or a K-1 visa

Thank you all so much for the advice. This truly is a treasure trove!

John

You've not even scratched the surface. Welcome aboard

[Bee Farmer]

You two sound like a perfect match for each other.  (A sadist and a masochist are a perfect match too.)

I can see why you are 42 and don't have any ex-wives or kids.  You're a selfish jerk.  Everything is all about you, and you seem totally unconcerned with the girl's welfare.

You expect a 27 year old girl to give up her life and dreams to come be with some cheapskate old guy she has never met, and this guy has already planned out the wedding and kids.  Don't you think she's wise to finish her education, so she has a fallback plan in case things don't work out?

A real man would be supportive of his dream girl wanting to get her degree.

You claim to earn close to $100K annually, with no ex-wives or kids draining your funds, yet you give the impression that the financial costs involved would be a hardship for you.  If you can't afford the cost of getting the girl here (plan on $20K) how can you afford to keep her here?  Do you think having kids are cheap, and you're already planning a family?  What about trips to visit her family back home?  Or do you expect her to cut all ties when she comes to be with you?

As for the girl...she's not much better.

She contacted you first.  And then re-initiated contact again after a break.  And right off the bat, she's calling you sweetheart...

And you are 15 years older than her.

Dude, she's not looking for a husband.  This 27 year old girl is looking for a sponsor.  She has no intention of leaving her homeland, (other than a vacation) which is why she wants a degree from there, and isn't interested in a US masters degree.

You're both made for each other.  You're both just interested in using the other.

[ML]

Oh my !!

And BF hasn't even seen the color of this guy's skin yet.

[BillyB]

She contacted you first.  And then re-initiated contact again after a break.  And right off the bat, she's calling you sweetheart...

And gets defensive when he diffuses things and tries to dictate the events after him visiting her. She wants a man from America, she wants to finish her education in Russia, she will need multiple vacations back home...that's if she decides to marry John after first getting a tourist visa which would be highly unlikely.


John, for you to spend so much time with someone you feel that is walking over you, she must be really good looking compared to the local American girls at eharmony. Bottom line is you don't feel right with this woman. If you're really interested in RW, we can direct you to sites that can help you find one with much less challenges and attitude.

[Larry1]

Oh my !!

And BF hasn't even seen the color of this guy's skin yet.

 

Yes, Dr. B Effer's diagnosis is not yet complete. His psychological diagnosis may be complete but his medical diagnosis won't be complete until he examines a photograph of the patient.

[John_A]

Well, I appreciate people who tell it like it is, believe me, and maybe there's some things I need to hear here (and I appreciate your willingness to defend the dignity of women) but I also think that I know myself (and her) a little better than that and that you're being a little bit hard and assuming maybe a little too much.

You don't need to make it personal, fellah. Not every unmarried 42 year old is a jerk.

I can afford a venture like this, but do you have $20,000 to throw away being  foolish? I don't. And am I allowed to begin to discover what a serious venture this kind of thing is? Again, it's not something I was looking for. She approached me twice. The 15 year age difference concerned me from the beginning and I made that very clear to her.

BUT you make some good points... Yes I can see it's a bit selfish. BUT, you don't know me from Adam, either, and I do not appreciate the insults.

[BillyB]

I can afford a venture like this, but do you have $20,000 to throw away being  foolish?

Many of us here figured you were ready to spend a lot of money to visit the woman and build a relationship with her. You're right not to act quickly and jump on a plane for the wrong woman.

[jone]

Go see the gal for a long weekend.  Then you can make some true evaluations.  Shouldn't cost you more than 3 g.

And ignore bee farter. We all do.

[John_A]

Yeah, maybe I'm making it out to be more drastic than it is. Her insistence on completing her  education in Russia actually makes sense now and it was more annoying to me, to myself, than anything I really pressed her on or gave her a really hard time about. And yes I was a bit of a jerk not to see it. I dropped the issue completely and things have normalized again. This is a completely different ballgame I'm getting used to. That's all. If things work out I want to give her a good, happy life with respect and a full measure of spousal independence she craves in contrast to the heavy patriarchy she says she's surrounded by.

One thing at a time.... Just meet first. But I also wanted to see that it realistically CAN go somewhere, and all the money and energy and that precious thing called time that would entail, before I hop on a plane to the Russian equivalent of BFE, and think about bringing her to the American version of BFE.

As in I want to be circumspect.

Thank you everyone again, even the ones who smacked some sense into me.

John

[JayH]

Yes, Dr. B Effer's diagnosis is not yet complete. His psychological diagnosis may be complete but his medical diagnosis won't be complete until he examines a photograph of the patient.

And -and- and-there's more-he need to know if this girl is a virgin!!

Based on that-- then this socially inept misfit will consider he knows all about her!! ( and the OP !!)

Go see the gal for a long weekend.  Then you can make some true evaluations.  Shouldn't cost you more than 3 g.

And ignore bee farter. We all do.

Oh my !!

And BF hasn't even seen the color of this guy's skin yet.

[JayH]

Yeah, maybe I'm making it out to be more drastic than it is. Her insistence on completing her  education in Russia actually makes sense now and it was more annoying to me, to myself, than anything I really pressed her on or gave her a really hard time about. And yes I was a bit of a jerk not to see it. I dropped the issue completely and things have normalized again. This is a completely different ballgame I'm getting used to. That's all. If things work out I want to give her a good, happy life with respect and a full measure of spousal independence she craves in contrast to the heavy patriarchy she says she's surrounded by.

One thing at a time.... Just meet first. But I also wanted to see that it realistically CAN go somewhere, and all the money and energy and that precious thing called time that would entail, before I hop on a plane to the Russian equivalent of BFE, and think about bringing her to the American version of BFE.

As in I want to be circumspect.

Thank you everyone again, even the ones who smacked some sense into me.

John

A couple of points---- age difference is zero problem and not an issue( unless you are an old in the head conservative "old fart"-- -& that has nothing to do with your birth certificate)
Most of the issues have been covered in posts above in various ways-- so read and re-read-that will put you on the better thought process  to make better decisions.
I would specifically draw your attention to the issues raised by" WhyNotMe" post( I would not very often agree with her on very much btw)-- some really important real life considerations are raised.

btw    to the forum

[southernX]

john

mate you have been given some great things to work through by members here

my thoughts are the same as muzh , keep looking down the road , the tone of your posts in regards to the conflict resolution at this stage does not read well imo

i have the feeling the more you get to know her the more that is going to prevail ,
a relationship is about 2 people communicating well and understanding each other , give and take

your writings are not conveying that to me john ,

MY ADVICE IS keep looking , cast your net wider while you also communicate with her if you must , keep all doors open to possibilities , its amazing how life can surprise you if you do this

SX   

[mendeleyev]

She gets defensive any time I try to diffuse anything. She seems pretty comfortable with the idea of telling me to sit on it. I'm just reacting to the  realities that are sinking in and she takes it as criticism.

I wish you both well.

Some of the easiest mistakes, and they really cost a lot when made, are in assuming:

1- That you understand each other culturally and from worldview. She lives in Asian Russia, and her thinking is Eastern. Yours is Western. You do not always share the same logical processes.

2- That because she says words in English, that she fully understands them. Not. Every time you have to explain something, you move from the simple to the complex. Just as Russian isn't your native tongue, English isn't hers. We tend to think and process in our native language. New languages are filled with words that do not yet have real life context. Until she has lived for a time in the West, and knows how to attach local context to the words she has learned, communication will be a full time job for you both.

3- You are settled in and have a path for life. She is just getting started. Do you share the same long term goals? Probably not, and so prudence might suggest that you acknowledge that you have a better than 50% chance of divorce in the future. She isn't getting a Master's degree in order to move to your country and have babies.

Take this process slow when it comes to commitment and making plans. But, get on a plane and go visit. That's all--a simple but enjoyable visit. A lot of your perceptions will change and you will have become a much more educated traveler.

 

[2tallbill]

Well, I appreciate people who tell it like it is, believe me, and maybe there's some things I need to hear here (and I appreciate your willingness to defend the dignity of women) but I also think that I know myself (and her) a little better than that and that you're being a little bit hard and assuming maybe a little too much.

You don't need to make it personal, fellah. Not every unmarried 42 year old is a jerk.

I can afford a venture like this, but do you have $20,000 to throw away being  foolish? I don't. And am I allowed to begin to discover what a serious venture this kind of thing is? Again, it's not something I was looking for. She approached me twice. The 15 year age difference concerned me from the beginning and I made that very clear to her.

BUT you make some good points... Yes I can see it's a bit selfish. BUT, you don't know me from Adam, either, and I do not appreciate the insults.

Nobody knows you except what you've written here. My advice is to read all the advice here, some will be
quite good and some will be not so good. Then use what you think will work for you, your situation and
your personality. Whatever you do, don't take any of the advice personally. Use the best and ignore the rest.

Udachi!


Bill

[Faux Pas]

Well, I appreciate people who tell it like it is, believe me, and maybe there's some things I need to hear here (and I appreciate your willingness to defend the dignity of women) but I also think that I know myself (and her) a little better than that and that you're being a little bit hard and assuming maybe a little too much.

You don't need to make it personal, fellah. Not every unmarried 42 year old is a jerk.

I can afford a venture like this, but do you have $20,000 to throw away being  foolish? I don't. And am I allowed to begin to discover what a serious venture this kind of thing is? Again, it's not something I was looking for. She approached me twice. The 15 year age difference concerned me from the beginning and I made that very clear to her.

BUT you make some good points... Yes I can see it's a bit selfish. BUT, you don't know me from Adam, either, and I do not appreciate the insults.

Forget about Bee Farmer. He thinks he has that uncanny ability to tell anyone's life story after 3 posts. Ask him about his FSU successes.

Whether you move forward with this lady or not, continue to look to the FSU or not will certainly be your choice, I only caution you to step back and look at the forest of trees. There are some differences dating and marrying FSUW vs American women mostly logistical but, there are no short cuts to the relationship aspect. She still needs to be wooed wined, dined and 69'd.

If you did decide to pursue this woman, doing it right with this woman in my humble opinion, she would have ample time to complete her degree. As for the cash out lay it is minimal each time but it does climb after a number of trips. Personally, I spent over 40K less than 50K in expenses once I married my wife. Of course they only skyrocketed from there I wasn't spending like a drunken sailor but, I don't do much of anything on the cheap. I didn't hesitate to spend 5-7K per trip.

It's doable if you have the expendable cash. Many do it with much less than I did. I could have but, I chose not to and do not regret it.

[BillyB]

Yeah, maybe I'm making it out to be more drastic than it is. Her insistence on completing her  education in Russia actually makes sense now and it was more annoying to me, to myself, than anything I really pressed her on or gave her a really hard time about. And yes I was a bit of a jerk not to see it. I dropped the issue completely and things have normalized again.

Doesn't make sense to me that she's focused on completing her education in Russia yet aggressively making first and multiple contacts with American men on American dating sites. There are sure things out there that are less complex. I would do what most American men on eharmony has done with this lady. Nothing.

[John_A]

Doesn't make sense to me that she's focused on completing her education in Russia yet aggressively making first and multiple contacts with American men on American dating sites. There are sure things out there that are less complex. I would do what most American men on eharmony has done with this lady. Nothing.

She knows how long the whole process will take and that it is reasonable  for her to be pursuing a degree in the meantime. It would only delay the final move here by a few months anyway.

She did contact me again, but a month after I let the communication drop away, and she did it not in a pushy way at all.

She's also been very concerned everything is square between us, emotionally and everything. She's a sweet, decent girl. All she did was insist that she be able to finish her Masters  degree there. . . I didn't see the logic in this at first but its there.

Also, she teaches English for a living, so there's not too much communication gap.

Thanks again for all the advice!

[Wayne]

Usually, you cannot transfer credits from another university for a masters degree. She would lose all the work that she did already. There is usually a time limit for completing the degree. It would be much simpler for her to complete the degree there.

[tfcrew]

.... 2 months ago....   I was kind of under the impression that I would meet her, we would get engaged (meeting first is a requirement logical thing to do)   I'm hoping someone could help:

Talking engagement? After two months...? Hasn't even met her yet?
Apply for your visa.
Can she meet you at the airport?


 
 

[Faux Pas]

Usually, you cannot transfer credits from another university for a masters degree. She would lose all the work that she did already. There is usually a time limit for completing the degree. It would be much simpler for her to complete the degree there.

Credits perhaps but FSU degrees can be evaluated and honored by many Universities and employers in the US

[Faux Pas]

She knows how long the whole process will take and that it is reasonable  for her to be pursuing a degree in the meantime. It would only delay the final move here by a few months anyway.

She did contact me again, but a month after I let the communication drop away, and she did it not in a pushy way at all.

She's also been very concerned everything is square between us, emotionally and everything. She's a sweet, decent girl. All she did was insist that she be able to finish her Masters  degree there. . . I didn't see the logic in this at first but its there.

Also, she teaches English for a living, so there's not too much communication gap.

Thanks again for all the advice!

I wasn't convinced that you had screwed the pooch with her from your description and the fact she contacted you kind of affirms that.

Whether you move forward with this lady or not or a RW or not, don't rush in like your ass is on fire. Relationships, solid nurturing relationships take time no matter what country you are in

[Muzh]

I wasn't convinced that you had screwed the pooch with her from your description and the fact she contacted you kind of affirms that.

Whether you move forward with this lady or not or a RW or not, don't rush in like your ass is on fire. Relationships, solid nurturing relationships take time no matter what country you are in

+1