Observations on Marriage

[mendeleyev]

There are some ladies who will "upgrade husbands" after the adjustment period in the West. There are stories of shipwrecks on this forum.

One drawback for the ladies, and most who switch horses midstream do not realize it until too late, is that the exciting new guy has no skin in the game. He enjoys her beauty and that sexy accent, but he has no interest in how she got to his country, or in knowing about the land from whence she came. He never traveled, has no idea of the cost and sacrifice some other man endured to make her arrival possible, and he probably has no time for her culture, her language, or her family. We know a couple who split up a couple years back and apparently all the above is starting to dawn on the gal--but it is too late.

That is why I'm highly suspicious of one trip wonders, and relationships where the honeymoon in some exotic destination was the first date.

[Boethius]

he has no interest in how she got to his country, or in knowing about the land from whence she came.

IMO, that's not a bad thing.

As for sacrifice and cost, that was his choice.

I don't follow you on one trip wonders.

[Larry1]

... the exciting new guy has no skin in the game. He enjoys her beauty and that sexy accent, but he has no interest in how she got to his country, or in knowing about the land from whence she came.

IMO, that's not a bad thing...

I think it can be a handicap not knowing much about a girl's country. Shortly before I began my FSUW search I went out with a Georgian girl here a number of times. She was very attractive, slender, intelligent, poised, well-dressed, and had excellent taste, as well as a very good job. She was from a Georgian family, not a RW living in Georgia, and had moved to North America as a young adult. I knew more about Georgia than 98% of Americans, but not nearly enough.

I was puzzled by her behavior toward me. On one hand she seemed interested in going out with me, but on the other hand I wasn't getting all of the signals I got when an AW was interested in taking things farther with me. I mean the physical signals. I eventually determined that she must not be that interested in me after all, and stopped calling her. After being on the FSUW forums for some years, and in particular reading Bill's trip report "Georgia Peaches" I think I should have continued to pursue this girl.   Georgian girls brought up in conservative Georgian households are very likely to be more reticent than most AW about these sorts of things.

[Boethius]

But that may also be the girl's personality, rather than the culture.  I also think immigrants need to adapt to their new country, and not vice versa.


My husband, BTW, was hit on almost every day when he was in Georgia.  He said of all the places he's been to in the FSU (pretty much everywhere), that was the only republic he would not ever visit again (though not because he was hit on).

[JayH]

There are some ladies who will "upgrade husbands" after the adjustment period in the West. There are stories of shipwrecks on this forum.

One drawback for the ladies, and most who switch horses midstream do not realize it until too late, is that the exciting new guy has no skin in the game. He enjoys her beauty and that sexy accent, but he has no interest in how she got to his country, or in knowing about the land from whence she came. He never traveled, has no idea of the cost and sacrifice some other man endured to make her arrival possible, and he probably has no time for her culture, her language, or her family. We know a couple who split up a couple years back and apparently all the above is starting to dawn on the gal--but it is too late.

That is why I'm highly suspicious of one trip wonders, and relationships where the honeymoon in some exotic destination was the first date.

These are excellent points.

     The last sentence is really important point that I often wonder about. Not saying it can't happen successfully-- but I always think how little a guy( & a girl) can really know in a very short time  --- especially so if the meeting has taken place where both are tourists!
    The point of visiting and getting some of the cultural background and understanding of her life is a major point to me. This also applies to more developed relationships where I have urged girls to visit the guys home for much the same reasons-- and to get some understanding of what & where she is going.Seeing environment-- family and friends etc before being overcommitted is of equal importance.
    Of course-- none of this practical assessing has much to do with the romanticised Hollywood version of 'love' or matchmaking-- as some posters keep promoting as the "only" way a relationship can be real!
    One last point--in saying all of the above-I could easily have been a one trip wonder myself-- and in fact regret that I was too sceptical at that time and did too much thinking with my big head!

[mendeleyev]

I don't follow you on one trip wonders.

One trip wonders are situations where guy meets gal via internet. They write and skype and then he flies to her for a few days or a week, already planning to propose. On his return he immediately begins paperwork to import a gal that he has barely met. Given the expense, the disruption in both their lives, and the extensive legal exposure if the hasty choice "goes south", I view such as reckless.

[zooble]

There are some ladies who will "upgrade husbands" after the adjustment period in the West. There are stories of shipwrecks on this forum.

That is why I'm highly suspicious of one trip wonders, and relationships where the honeymoon in some exotic destination was the first date.

I agree completely. I think it's more to that though, a woman could rush into a relationship with the best of intentions but then the husband turns out to be an ass or things were not as they were led to believe. Then 'jumping ship' is the best thing for her to do.

This is why people need to persevere and do thorough research. The problem is that people get fed up with the process, scammers (short term ones) etc and take the first seemingly acceptable woman that comes their way. *Cough* Donhollio *Cough*  Luckily his seems to be going ok last time I checked

It is also why people shouldn't focus on achieving marriage but rather achieving a sustained marriage. To be honest I think the sheer shame and embarrassment of getting played pretty hard would be too hard to live down.

[Faux Pas]

I agree completely. I think it's more to that though, a woman could rush into a relationship with the best of intentions but then the husband turns out to be an ass or things were not as they were led to believe. Then 'jumping ship' is the best thing for her to do.

This is why people need to persevere and do thorough research. The problem is that people get fed up with the process, scammers (short term ones) etc and take the first seemingly acceptable woman that comes their way. *Cough* Donhollio *Cough*  Luckily his seems to be going ok last time I checked

It is also why people shouldn't focus on achieving marriage but rather achieving a sustained marriage. To be honest I think the sheer shame and embarrassment of getting played pretty hard would be too hard to live down.

Focusing on marriage at all is putting the cart well before the horse IMHO. Statements like the one you make here leave one with the impression of picking out the right riding lawn mower from Wal-mart. You want to be careful it doesn't breakdown before the warranty expires.

Keep in mind relationships only exist as long as it works out for the mutual benefit of both parties. When it ceases for either, the relationship is over. Thus, it would be incumbent on any man swimming the waters of the FSU to slow down and learn the woman while giving her time to learn you. Most "normal folks" want to avoid a divorce or the stigma of being used as a mule.

First things first. Work on the relationship and the idea of marriage will take care of itself. Fail at the relationship stage and marry her because she's a pretty FSUW with nice tits will hurt much more later

[zooble]

You pretty much just said the same thing as me. I don't see how you can achieve a sustained marriage without a strong relationship.

[fathertime]

There are some ladies who will "upgrade husbands" after the adjustment period in the West. There are stories of shipwrecks on this forum.

One drawback for the ladies, and most who switch horses midstream do not realize it until too late, is that the exciting new guy has no skin in the game. He enjoys her beauty and that sexy accent, but he has no interest in how she got to his country, or in knowing about the land from whence she came. He never traveled, has no idea of the cost and sacrifice some other man endured to make her arrival possible, and he probably has no time for her culture, her language, or her family. We know a couple who split up a couple years back and apparently all the above is starting to dawn on the gal--but it is too late.
 

Unless she already had it planned out, it is a risky step for the lady to take.  I agree, the new guy doesn't have much to lose, which can mean he will be pumping and dumping, or mistreating.  Of course it could work out fine too, if the lady judges correctly, or gets lucky.


Fathertime!   

[mendeleyev]

I don't see Don as one who took the first available lady. If anyone took time to know the lay of the land, it was ole Don.

[JayH]

I agree completely. I think it's more to that though, a woman could rush into a relationship with the best of intentions but then the husband turns out to be an ass or things were not as they were led to believe. Then 'jumping ship' is the best thing for her to do.

This is why people need to persevere and do thorough research. The problem is that people get fed up with the process, scammers (short term ones) etc[b] and take the first seemingly acceptable woman that comes their way. *Cough* Donhollio *Cough*  Luckily his seems to be going ok last time I checked[/b]

It is also why people shouldn't focus on achieving marriage but rather achieving a sustained marriage. To be honest I think the sheer shame and embarrassment of getting played pretty hard would be too hard to live down.

Z--I am being gentle here due to your newness here!
I highlighted  a couple of points in your post-- I commented in the thread above about fsuw seeing how a guy lives etc above--ie get to know his life before committing.

That point I would have gone past--except the comment you have made about Don. You clearly have not read fully or understood what is in Don's story--he is on the opposite end of the "one trip wonder" syndrome-- in fact over 7(+?) years in his search --- and in fact has now been married 5 years -- so please-- if you are going to include comment on others here-let it at least be factually accurate.
The part that offends me in not only factually wrong--it crosses into the moral judgement area where your "cough-cough" conclusion  is of the fuddy duddy old fart area of the ridiculous.Life does not stop in a created vacuum during the "search"-it goes on !

[jone]

I agree completely. I think it's more to that though, a woman could rush into a relationship with the best of intentions but then the husband turns out to be an ass or things were not as they were led to believe. Then 'jumping ship' is the best thing for her to do.

This is why people need to persevere and do thorough research. The problem is that people get fed up with the process, scammers (short term ones) etc and take the first seemingly acceptable woman that comes their way. *Cough* Donhollio *Cough*  Luckily his seems to be going ok last time I checked

It is also why people shouldn't focus on achieving marriage but rather achieving a sustained marriage. To be honest I think the sheer shame and embarrassment of getting played pretty hard would be too hard to live down.

Zooble,

Unlike some of your Northern Brothers, I did understand your joke about Don.  He has put more effort into finding and successfully marrying an FSU women than most people on the forum.  Therefore, you were employing that humorous device called Sarcasm.    You said one thing only to emphasize that his situation was exactly the opposite. 

Welcome to the forum.  Try and keep some of us old timers awake, okay?

[ML]

  Try and keep some of us old timers awake, okay?

Hey . . . we need our sleep.

[Muzh]

One trip wonders are situations where guy meets gal via internet. They write and skype and then he flies to her for a few days or a week, already planning to propose. On his return he immediately begins paperwork to import a gal that he has barely met. Given the expense, the disruption in both their lives, and the extensive legal exposure if the hasty choice "goes south", I view such as reckless.

Mendy, actually I believe you have qualified your statement. Don't know if you noticed.


The qualifier is "Given the expense."


Many one-trip wonders cannot afford many of these trips. Also, by the time she gets here, he may be already in the red. Sure recipe for disaster.

[ML]

Another definition of 'One Trip Wonders:'

"The opposite of Ochka and Me."