Your Wife's Background

[mendeleyev]

One of the most valuable things you can do for your marriage is to have an active interest in her background. I do not mean snooping to dig up dirt, but rather to listen, ask questions, and be willing to learn about her life prior to when you met.

I will give you a couple of illustrations: About a month ago we were having a "date night" to our favourite restaurant in Moscow. It is an Italian place near Metro Domodedovskaya and because she loves it so much, it is also my favourite dinner spot. On the drive there, she for some reason opened up about a grandmother. I had heard the name before, but had never understood the relationship fully. So, I quietly listened as she expanded the story to the great-grandmother on that side of the family.

The Russian term for family is семья (syem-ya) and the word for relatives is родственники (ROST-ven-niki). You likely know that grandmother is Бабушка (BAh-bush-ka), and grandfather is Дедушка (DYEH-dush-ka). Great-grandmother is прабабушка (pra-BAH-bush-ka).

A common nickname for any elderly lady can be Bah-bush-ka (grandmother), or it can be Баба (BAH-ba) and this latter term can be good, generic or bad. For example, if you see an old woman in a village out herding her goats you can use Баба and such use, depending on how you express it, is generally generic and thus okay. It can also be a very endearing and intimate nickname for your grandmother.

Баба can be, however, a very negative description. While listening I discovered that this particular great-grandmother was known for being mean-spirited, and especially to children. It was in that context that my wife remembered that family member. I was humbled that she shared her story and it lended the opportunity to express my regret that such had been her experience. My wife then turned the story to some wonderful experiences with other relatives, and I was given the opportunity to look into a window of her early childhood that I had not experienced in such detail. It ended on a very positive note.

Later, I was thankful to have understood that it was a time to listen patiently, instead of focusing on carrying on a conversation. Very rewarding--especially her appreciation to me for having listened.

[mendeleyev]

That experience made me recall the events that impacted our family the week after the January 7 Christmas celebration. My later FIL, a diplomat, had died under somewhat mysterious circumstances decades ago. Every indication had seemed to the family that he might have been poisoned. He was just days away from making an international trip, but he died suddenly and unexpectedly. He had just undergone a rigorous physical examination, common for such assignments, and passed with flying colours.

At the time of his death, when my wife was barely a teen, the state had been unsympathetic. My MIL rushed to the hospital and upon arriving was told to "go home--your husband is dead and there is nothing that you can do here." When MIL tried to learn the cause of death, she was stonewalled, and in some cases ridiculed.

My wife is no longer a teen, and in fact our three children are grown and married with their own families. For all those years there has been only silence about his cause of death. So, in January 2016 the silence was suddenly broken. The state was releasing sealed records from that year and contacted the family, apparently ready to open up. Well, as only the RF can "open up."

My FIL had just finished a round of chess matches in which he had won. His coworkers had prepared toasts and in Russian tradition a raw egg is consumed prior to toasts to (supposedly) prevent one from becoming drunk. Within minutes of consuming the egg he was unconscious on the floor. Up to that point, the family was aware of those events. He had left home that morning in jovial spirits and was already packed for the pending trip. To the family, it was the egg that was of particular concern. Had he been poisoned, and if so, by whom, and why?

The official version is that he died from food poisoning-- within minutes from eating a single raw egg.

[mendeleyev]

All that led to an interesting conversation just this past week. We were having dinner with friends who have known my wife from their mutual childhood days.

The husband, who also grew up in a family that had access to travel, spoke of his years as a "hostage of the state." I'd heard that expression previously but wanted to know more fully about the meaning.

During the Soviet years, the Communists were so proud of what they'd built that they were fearful that citizens might wish to leave. Since leaving was a popular dream for many who lived in the workers paradise, the state devised ways to discourage citizens from defecting to those evil and corrupt capitalist countries in the West.

One way to discourage defections was to limit the members of a family who could travel, or live abroad. My wife was fortunate in that she was born abroad in an African nation, and as a toddler was allowed to live in another country where her father served. Upon his recall to Russia however, only father was allowed to travel--Mum and daughter were required to stay home. If effect, they were hostages of the state, a guarantee that father would return as expected. MIL, a University professor, was allowed to travel to the West for certain conferences, but only if her husband (she had later remarried) and daughter remained inside the CCCP.

I was especially intrigued in the story of this friend as his family lived outside the CCCP in an official capacity, but when he reached 16 years of age the state required that he be returned to live with extended relatives. This was for the same reason--he was a hostage of the state to prevent either parent from defecting.

[mendeleyev]

These experiences that I have described in the posts above lead me to believe that there is much that any of us here may not truly comprehend about the lives of our wives. It is not that they are hiding information, it is simply that the gap between our individual experiences is so great that in some cases it may be difficult for our wives to accurately describe at first. In the dating/courtship stage most of us are so new to the Eastern European experience that even if told, we might not be able to grasp their stories.

Some wives are too young to remember much of the Soviet period. Even for those of us with wives who grew up in the 80s or 90s, do you truly understand what her life was like in that period of social upheaval?

Some of the key factors that keep couples together over the long haul include shared interests, and shared experiences. I'd wager that my friend Muzh can attest to this. You may have shared interests, but how can you have common experiences when your childhoods were so different? One way is to ask, and then concentrate on listening. Listening and learning gives you both the feeling that something valuable has been shared.

My theory is that the international marriages that go the distance have achieved this somehow. My wife's experience is not that unique in the big scheme of things. Each of our wives have stories to tell--if we are willing to listen.

You know that your wife looks hot. She brings a lot to your life, but how well do you really know her? When was the last time that you asked about her early life, then sat back and actively listened to show her that it matters to you?

[ML]

Jim, one interesting fact concerning Ochka and I, is that she actually grew up in the FSU in a more prosperous family situation than was my childhood here in USA.

My parents were uneducated, mother didn't earn money and there were 7 children to feed.  We virtually had nothing.

Ochka's parents were both educated with solid jobs in the Soviet system and there were only two children to feed. She experienced much more in the way of childhood education, culture, material things, travel, etc.

[JayH]

Jim, one interesting fact concerning Ochka and I, is that she actually grew up in the FSU in a more prosperous family situation than was my childhood here in USA.

My parents were uneducated, mother didn't earn money and there were 7 children to feed.  We virtually had nothing.

Ochka's parents were both educated with solid jobs in the Soviet system and there were only two children to feed. She experienced much more in the way of childhood education, culture, material things, travel, etc.

So-- she "saved" you?!!!

[JayH]

Some of the key factors that keep couples together over the long haul include shared interests, and shared experiences.

. You may have shared interests, but how can you have common experiences when your childhoods were so different? One way is to ask, and then concentrate on listening. Listening and learning gives you both the feeling that something valuable has been shared.

Not disputing that shared interests are good as such--but -I think  that taking an interest in whatever each other is interested in or doing is far more important than actually doing it together. People having interests( hobbies,sport,work etc) can finish up with little "spare" time-but at the very least conversation will be more stimulating!

I agree 100% that learning about a potential partners life is important. It always bothers me reading guys planning as little exposure in the fsu as possible in searching--it sort of smacks of m.o.b.

[mendeleyev]

Jay, I should have defined that further. By shared interests, you are correct, and that is what I should have explained better. I am an avid fan of my wife's art, but personally I can't draw a straight circle. She is not a writer, but is my number one encourager. Thanks for helping clarify that.

[mendeleyev]

Jim, one interesting fact concerning Ochka and I, is that she actually grew up in the FSU in a more prosperous family situation than was my childhood here in USA.

My parents were uneducated, mother didn't earn money and there were 7 children to feed.  We virtually had nothing.

Ochka's parents were both educated with solid jobs in the Soviet system and there were only two children to feed. She experienced much more in the way of childhood education, culture, material things, travel, etc.

ML, you bring up some interesting points. Often we from the West are under the impression that everyone in the CCCP was poor. Most were, but as you know, there was a class of individuals who for whatever reasons were well connected and made good lives for themselves. Many of those lost everything during the social and financial upheavals of the late 1990s.

Like you, I grew up poor. My parents were medical missionaries and served in parts of the world that had little. We lived like those around us. Interestingly, as a child I never though of ourselves as poor. We were loved and happy--that mattered most.

I would venture that your wife has some very unique stories to share about the changes she must have personally witnessed all around her.