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Author Topic: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...  (Read 11120 times)

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Offline Anotherkiwi

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #50 on: May 22, 2018, 07:19:20 PM »
Yeah, I probably wouldn't have told her there in person either as I think it would just cause bad feeling and she probably would have abandoned you. Even I would not be socially unskilled enough to break it to her there & then having spent a few days together. To my mind in person is more for people who have been in a LTR or just a one day/hour date. If its a few days and they've shared their life wife you its a bit awkward unless there is no other way I think. I myself would probably give it a bit of time, a few messages, a bit of time to slide then do it. If it was just a meet up or meet one but you wanted to end it on the first day then that's fine I think, but that's just me.

Yep, that's just you!  Everyone does things their own way - some may appear better than others but it's THEIR choice.  I dumped the woman I went to see on my second trip after just a few days of what we had both prepared to be a month together, because there were just too many incompatibilities (NOT red flags).  I think that she was actually relieved, to be fair, because I was getting plenty of indications that she wasn't the happiest bunny in the hutch, either.  However, I did it gently, and she didn't attack me (or break into floods of tears) so I think I got it about right.

When I got home I sent her a long email explaining how much I had enjoyed her company, and how much I had learnt by being with her (all true), but that it was very clear that we didn't have enough in common to commit to a life together.  I would never, EVER end a relationship, even one that short, by anything other than a personal meeting - but maybe that's just me and the way I was brought up.

Online Trenchcoat

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #51 on: May 22, 2018, 07:35:52 PM »
Yeah girl 3 did look a bit of the randy type :D

Muslimy type girls can come acroas as a bit more of the mundane type but I think they are perhaps more directly family adjusted, in general.

I wouldn't leave a girl hanging tailing it off but sending her a message every so often over the following hours or days before cooling it off is probably what I would have done. It might have even been prudent to try to keep girl open to a reopen of communication BillyB has suggested in the past with FSW. You could just say to her that you feel it's a relationship that either will or won't materialise over time or something of that nature. That may appeal to her more conservative nature and keeps her as an option in future. One thing I am learning along the way is that time input on the ground is something to capitalise on. Later on for example you may feel different about a girl or realise that you missed something that indicated a girl could he been a good match. Just my thoughts  on it though.

I think though  take the situation with girl 3 as the very good news it appears to be at the moment and run with that :)
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Online msmob

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #52 on: May 22, 2018, 08:34:08 PM »
I wouldn't worry too much about Moby telling you that you need to terminate a relationship face-to-face. 


Proof, once more, of your questionable moral compass.

By your own account you behaved as a gentleman.  And, forgoing intimate relations, your 'relationship' consists of one visit.  Not only is it not required that you present yourself to tell the woman, who you haven't been intimate with, that you have only seen once and for a brief visit, to tell her you that you do not wish to continue.  It is also impractical.

Kyn, could easily have told the lass - before he left. Quite practical.

The best thing to do, in such circumstances, is not to make a big thing about it and to let the woman know promptly.  That is exactly what you did. 

Cowards's way

Moby thinks he is god's gift to women.  But his history belies that thought.

Indeed, I have done some daft things. Hence my advice how to behave better. 
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Online BillyB

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #53 on: May 22, 2018, 10:50:47 PM »
I am also under no illusions that one needs a decent income to support a viable future for future spouse and family. If I do end up with Girl3, I'll have to wait 2 years at most to get married and 4 years at least to have children (after she finishes her Bachelor's degree which her mother and herself are so insistent she should finish first).


Keep being honest with girl3 about your life's game plan and how she'll fit in. The wait to bring her over there is going to test you both. Time and distance can push people apart. visit her as much as you can. She probably won't ask you for anything but if you can spare $50 or $100 a month, send her some so she can buy some nice things for herself. Sending her some lets you know you care about her and that you value her. The little that you'd send is still cheaper than taking a girl out on 4 dates a month at home.
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Online Trenchcoat

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #54 on: May 22, 2018, 11:59:36 PM »
She probably won't ask you for anything but if you can spare $50 or $100 a month, send her some so she can buy some nice things for herself. Sending her some lets you know you care about her and that you value her. The little that you'd send is still cheaper than taking a girl out on 4 dates a month at home.

This I actually disagree with I don't see the point if giving money to her if he is not actually with her day to day as a monthly stipend - For what? Him having the honour of dating her for a few days. I know others have said if girl managed fine before she will manage fine without guy sending money. I think it could set up the danger of Kyn being seen as easy to play or become a bit of a joke. It could influence her in a bad way.

The last girl I met told me about her friend getting £200 from her English guy she was with. No way was I going to follow suit, last girl had gotten more than enough of me as it was. She never asked me specifically for a monthly payment but by stating such about her friend the inference was there. She showed me photo of her friend and apparent UK guy, the story probably true, but if I'm not there enjoying a relationship with a girl I see no reason to afford a way of life for her of my back is the way I see it.
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Online msmob

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #55 on: May 23, 2018, 01:32:06 AM »
This I actually disagree with I don't see the point if giving money to her if he is not actually with her day to day as a monthly stipend - For what? Him having the honour of dating her for a few days. ..... I'm not there enjoying a relationship with a girl I see no reason to afford a way of life for her of my back is the way I see it.

Poor Trench,

showing his colours, again

Kyn is a student and hardly a big earner, yet..  Lot's of steady relationships during Uni  years break up and even re-start after a time.

Billy's advice is more applicable to a guy with a regular income. Sending some money to an intended life partner is hardly daft...

Proof - once again - as to why you will not succeed in this endeavour 



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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #56 on: May 23, 2018, 06:45:17 AM »
Billy's advice is more applicable to a guy with a regular income. Sending some money to an intended life partner is hardly daft...

Proof - once again - as to why you will not succeed in this endeavour

I thought they were all wealthy enough to not to need money sent, lol.

So girl is going to break up with me or Kyn on the basis that no money was sent even if not asked for! If she's into guy surely that will not be a factor. Fine to send money to a girl as a sporadic one off here or there and say buy yourself a nice dress perhaps but I've heard regularly sending a girl money can backfire over time. Cases have cropped up here where girl actually ends up resentful of guy and/or ends up with bad ways, expecting it then more rather than cherishing it as a gift it was intended to be.
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Online msmob

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #57 on: May 23, 2018, 11:06:18 AM »


So girl is going to break up with me or Kyn on the basis that no money was sent even if not asked for!

Are you are being 'witty (sic) or just plain obtuse?

BillyB and I refer to a lady  to which you wish to commit.

You haven't got to that stage..You wouldn't understand.



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Online Trenchcoat

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #58 on: May 23, 2018, 11:40:19 AM »
Are you are being 'witty (sic) or just plain obtuse?

BillyB and I refer to a lady  to which you wish to commit.

You haven't got to that stage..You wouldn't understand.

I understand he may wish to support her to some extent in terms of getting a mutual reciprocal relationship and feeling of supporting each other. I am just saying many guys get to that point, some it no doubt works out for, others it may actually do great harm to the relationship where a women instead of feeling a mutual relationship just feels the guy is easily had, weak & naive - it happens unfortunately.

I was pretty much at that stage with the girl I was with but a series of issues undermined any possibility of me considering sending her a monthly allowance.
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Offline Anotherkiwi

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #59 on: May 23, 2018, 07:17:03 PM »
I feel the influence of Henry II getting stronger every day ...  :cluebat:

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #60 on: May 24, 2018, 08:46:59 AM »

Girl3 and I have had many serious discussions about our future life together and also with Girl3's mama. At this point in time, the plan is to get married within the next two years once I'm finished with my research work and hopefully settle down together at least 4 years from today when Girl3 finishes her degree in Moscow eventually. Then we shall start a family, and hopefully with much luck, live happily ever after. :rolleyes:

I've told her many times that I've never felt the presence of god and indeed, this was the truth. I also believed that one does not need to believe in the existence of god to be able to love but for her:"You see my darling, love IS GOD".


Well Kyn, not meaning to pick apart matters, I think it seems like most women in the FSU dating scene seem to come with at least one caveat, pitfall, call it what you will. Here there is the time issue, as opposed to a woman the other side/towards the end of Uni that would be all ready to go. Admittedly its probably best not to get married overnight and a bit of time to build the relationship is not bad I guess to see how you both feel over time. Caveat here of course is that it will have to go the distance on a long distance relationship, which if it goes south a fair amount of time will be lost. Though at least you've got time on your side at the moment to play with. Sounds like you're going to have to get all in with this one for a while though and see how you both feel.

Th other one of course is that she seems heavily religious, if its a case that you can exist in relationship without feeling this too oppressive and over the top then it fine, otherwise it may take its toll after a while is my thoughts. Either way I guess you've got plenty of time to find out at least :) 
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Online Trenchcoat

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #61 on: May 24, 2018, 09:15:18 AM »

As I was withdrawing cash in the airport, several men of mid-age appearance, approached me and started speaking in Russian. That, was where my first trouble began. I told them I could understand English but not Russian and one quickly started chatting away in English as I slowly realised, they were all taxi cabs trying to vie for a deal with me.



The reason for doing this, was to make Girl1 believe that I was only seeing her and only interested in her and no one else. From reading the various trip reports here and observing the lives of successful couples, I've found that most women/girls cannot truly give their all to love and commit to a man, deeply, if she knows she is not the only woman in the man's eyes. Also, the moment you establish a good connection online, is also the moment I find best to start giving the impression you're committed before the girl commits.

It was what I did, every single time. I did not want to leave anything to chance, if I could help it.


All very disingenuous! However, I had to hand it to her for playing her game so well. At the very least, her strong intellect that I could sense from our phone calls together, were true!

Yet, here I was, still trying my best to shake off that feeling of slight disappointment that I've been duped beyond comprehension.


I always find the taxi guys in an airport a real pain, the 'unofficial taxi' ones more so. I usually ignore them and wave them away and either find alternatives or if I have none negotiate when I'm ready. When in Moscow last year for the first time I went Aeroexpress both ways, 500 roubles each way if I recall correct. Ended up getting a taxi to my apartment (had an 24/7 reception to this one) which was about half a mile walk from Red Square as I was not familiar with how the Metro system operated or where anything was. Least to say the taxi was a bit on the high side even after negotiating down one of the 'unofficial taxi drivers', the price the official taxi drivers were quoting and would not budge from was even worse. In Odessa also I've had the official taxi drivers try it on with ridiculously high prices they would not budge from. Kiev was different there it was the unofficial taxi drivers trying it on with over the top prices.


Think the comparison of who is being disingenuous funny here, lol ;D

Nah, I think girl 2 was not much of a looker also, sounds like a pretty bad predicament to end up in :( even though you manage to shorten it, I feel for you here.
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Offline myrddin

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #62 on: May 24, 2018, 09:18:35 AM »

As most have noted, Girl3 is from a conservative orthodox family though her father is a non-believer but her mama prays now and then. She's told me after we get married, she'll have to go to Church at least four times per year and she thinks I should join her.

I'm not sure if religion may become a big issue. She's tried to get me to like her religion and Girl3 holds a firm belief that to love is to believe in god. Heck, she even took me to Church when I was there with her. Once inside, she proceeded to introduce me to Mary, Jesus's mother, Jesus himself, and other portraits in Church  amongst other things she did whilst inside

I've told her many times that I've never felt the presence of god and indeed, this was the truth. I also believed that one does not need to believe in the existence of god to be able to love but for her:"You see my darling, love IS GOD".

Then I asked her a question:"IF, I cannot feel god, but I am able to love you and I will at least try to find god, will you accept me the way I am?"

"Yes! I will guide you my darling! I know you will, one day, no matter how long it takes. Ten, Twenty Years...etc " said the lass

 Ah well, I'm not sure whether this means I and future children shall be haunted by religious texts for the rest of my life




I'm still learning. I still have ways to go as I'm not married, yet.
Yes indeed, we're a very young couple. I'm cautiously optimistic and hopeful for our future.

Hey, kynrazor

Thanks for the TR!  You strike me as a reflective type of guy, so there's a kind of kynship, so to speak  :P.  You also sound like a serious guy capable of both taking advice and being honest with yourself, which is great. Prerequsiite, even.

I do have to say that I think many people, especially in the West, try to downplay religious issues in relationships.  I think that's a mistake because there are fundamental values in question. 

It sounds like she is a much more serious believer than you, if you are at all.  This will be something you need to deal with.  How you do so is between you and your lady, just don't let it sit on a back burner until something dramatic happens.  Even Marge Simpson said "Don't make me choose between my man and my god!"


My wife and I are not religious, but certain Orthodox traditions (other than actually going to church  ;) ) are a part of her history and her culture, and now a part of our family.

Best of luck!
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Offline ML

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #63 on: May 24, 2018, 10:13:42 AM »
Still, Girl3 and I kept up our communication and one day, she decided with her mama that I must start learning the RUSSIAN language! :o :D

I told her I'll try my best, and she was very pleased.


This would be a very foolish thing to do.

Your priorities should be:

1) Finish PhD
2) Get beginning job as Assistant Professor (or whatever the title in different countries).
3) Research, and Publish, publish, publish to get tenured and promotion to Associate Professor.
4) Research, and Publish, publish, publish to get promotion to Full Professor.
5) This will take you 12-15 years down the road.
6) Then, if you want to forego all merit raises for the rest of your career and only receive cost of living raises (if any), you can cut back on your research and publication efforts and spend time learning a foreign language.

Even if you are not pursuing a PhD and a teaching career, the same advice holds; just change the duties and promotion path around to correspond with the job category.

The above assumes you and your gal will be living in an English speaking country.

Of course if you plan to live full time forever in another country; then yes, learn the language of that country.
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Online msmob

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #64 on: May 24, 2018, 10:22:03 AM »
This would be a very foolish thing to do.

Your priorities should be:

1) Finish PhD ....

Our Kyn is a clever chap .... I'm sure he can fit it in and it might be useful on his CV
« Last Edit: May 24, 2018, 10:32:47 AM by msmob »
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Offline ML

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #65 on: May 24, 2018, 10:25:23 AM »
I actually also think you made a smart move by not having sex with her, never thought I would hear myself say that, lol. Given that she is off to Uni soon if she really is a virgin (and I don't see any reason to doubt) if you had sex now you would sexually awake her and as she's due to go to uni she might start getting it on with the guys there due to your absence. This happens with a lot of girls and invariably leads to break ups. As it is you may have helped keep that one under control & hence more loyal to you.

I think you missed the part where this gal regularly gives herself orgasms at age 18.
She is fully awake sexually and is actually probably in the top 10-20% of women with regard to interest in sex.
Even today, many girls and women do not give themselves orgasms and many have never even had one such.
Many teenage girls simply have not felt the urge to provide themselves with an orgasm, even as they have romantic thoughts of princes on white horses, etc.

I am not quite sure regarding the concept of what providing orgasms to ones self does for women with respect to lessening the desire to have sex with someone or increasing the desire to have sex with someone.  I suspect the latter.
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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #66 on: May 24, 2018, 10:30:17 AM »

Agree with ML, education and establishing financial security to support a family should come before learning a new language. A guy can only do so many things at a time. Certain things should be accomplish before others.
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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #67 on: May 24, 2018, 10:34:00 AM »
This would be a very foolish thing to do.

Your priorities should be:

1) Finish PhD
2) Get beginning job as Assistant Professor (or whatever the title in different countries).
3) Research, and Publish, publish, publish to get tenured and promotion to Associate Professor.
4) Research, and Publish, publish, publish to get promotion to Full Professor.
5) This will take you 12-15 years down the road.
6) Then, if you want to forego all merit raises for the rest of your career and only receive cost of living raises (if any), you can cut back on your research and publication efforts and spend time learning a foreign language.

Even if you are not pursuing a PhD and a teaching career, the same advice holds; just change the duties and promotion path around to correspond with the job category.

The above assumes you and your gal will be living in an English speaking country.

Of course if you plan to live full time forever in another country; then yes, learn the language of that country.

Everything above is nonsense. Pure and utter nonsense.

Just because you, ML, can't learn a second language doesn't mean everyone else is incapable.

It is also both a good way to keep the brain on it's toes and a very nice gesture to the woman in question that you value and honor her culture/language.

It's been proven in many studies that learning a language becomes harder the older you become, that is our brain wiring that is very susceptible to learning the younger you are, especially languages. Of course it would be even more easy before adolescent but you "still have it" as you grow older, it just becomes that much harder with the years go by.

I find it extremely hard to learn Russian, have no idea why, but I try, for my lady.. even though she speaks "perfect" English doesn't mean all her friends and family do the same. And I would value being able to communicate with them as well on equal terms.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Offline ML

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #68 on: May 24, 2018, 10:38:27 AM »
Our Kyn is a clever chap .... I'm sure he can fit it in an it might be useful on your CV

It has nothing to do with being a clever chap.

If an academician spends takes ANY time away from research and publication, he/she will achieve much less in terms of promotions, MONEY, and jobs at prestigious positions/universities than if they stick to the research and publications.

So yes, any of us (clever or less clever) can spend time learning something which has nothing to do with our career path . . . if we understand and are willing to accept the lower achievement of our career.

Now of course, it is certainly true that learning a foreign language (or several) can be useful to those who NEED such in their career path.

To belabor the point:

Two persons apply for academic position or research grant not requiring any foreign language skills:

First person has lengthy list of top publications.
Second person has half the list of top publications, but has one or more foreign language skills.

First person will get the job or research grant every time.
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Offline ML

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #69 on: May 24, 2018, 10:44:16 AM »
Everything above is nonsense. Pure and utter nonsense.

Just because you, ML, can't learn a second language doesn't mean everyone else is incapable.


I am conversant in 3 non-English foreign languages.
I did 'brighten up' and realize I had wasted time on those 3 languages, so that by the time I started to travel to FSU I didn't waste more time.

The time I wasted on the 3 foreign languages could have been used to further enhance my earnings and advancement of my actual career.
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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #70 on: May 24, 2018, 10:46:59 AM »
I find it extremely hard to learn Russian, have no idea why, but I try, for my lady..

You have a job and financial security. Kyn doesn't have that yet. First he needs to establish financial security to bring his woman over. Learning a new language now isn't going to help speed that process up.
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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #71 on: May 24, 2018, 12:08:39 PM »

I find it extremely hard to learn Russian, have no idea why, but I try, for my lady.. even though she speaks "perfect" English doesn't mean all her friends and family do the same. And I would value being able to communicate with them as well on equal terms.

hey Nightwish, Swedish is your first language right?  I noticed the Scandinavians learn English the best out of the Europeans.  Met some Norwegians, Finnish people traveling and they were pretty much fully fluent.  You write very well as does another Swede on here.


I started learning Russian just a few years ago from zero.  The grammar is hard but once you crack the alphabet and sounds you can get by. 

Is it the speaking or grammar that's hard for you?

I'd say I am basic conversant now.  Can talk about simple things and live in a Russian only environment.  But most of my Russian friends speak English better than I do Russian.


Offline DaveNY

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #72 on: May 24, 2018, 12:17:10 PM »
It has nothing to do with being a clever chap.

If an academician spends takes ANY time away from research and publication, he/she will achieve much less in terms of promotions, MONEY, and jobs at prestigious positions/universities than if they stick to the research and publications.

So yes, any of us (clever or less clever) can spend time learning something which has nothing to do with our career path . . . if we understand and are willing to accept the lower achievement of our career.

Now of course, it is certainly true that learning a foreign language (or several) can be useful to those who NEED such in their career path.

To belabor the point:

Two persons apply for academic position or research grant not requiring any foreign language skills:

First person has lengthy list of top publications.
Second person has half the list of top publications, but has one or more foreign language skills.

First person will get the job or research grant every time.

ML you're way off. When I was in grad school, MSC (Physics) back when dinosaurs still walked the Earth we were required to have reading proficiency in at least one foreign language. Some universities required two. Don't know if this applies in the UK.

Additionally, even today many grad students will learn a foreign language on their own, some take a semester or more off and go and live in another country to do this. There are actually scholarships, grants, bursaries, etc to do this. Some grad students who have some degree of knowledge of another language will go abroad and take courses in that language to improve their knowledge of the language. Again this is American grad schools don't know if applicable to the UK.

Does knowledge of a second language have anything to do with career potential? Yes for instance learning Mandarin Chinese is popular in some grad schools simply because of the varied areas of research coming out of China and because China is the most likely country to challenge the US. If the OP is in any of the STEMs learning Russian or Chinese would certainly be desirable. 

As for taking time away from research it happens all the time as a student. I took courses in grad school out of curiosity that had nothing to do with my area of study. My undergrad is a double honors in math and physics, a popular combination at the time for entry into grad school. By the time I graduated I had at 8 courses more than needed to graduated. They were taken out of curiosity and personal interest.

Today this is encouraged because many grad students burn out because of the mantra of "Publish or Perish". The push to publish as many articles as possible is real and is not sustainable over many years. Grad students are encouraged to have interests other than research and publishing papers.

Offline Sting23

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #73 on: May 24, 2018, 12:27:35 PM »
Language learning is a tricky thing.  The most important thing is self motivation.  I had to learn French in school but forget everything now.  Simply no need to use it and nobody to talk with here.

In the USA, Spanish is by far the 2nd most used language due to the Hispanic influence.  But Spanish isn't as widespread as English.  Basically if you live in a non-English speaking country you will be learning English as a 2nd language due to its global use.

I taught kids in Russia and elsewhere.  Kids don't want to learn a 2nd language because they don't see a need for it.  When you are young you just want to play and have fun. 

Kyn's girl speaks English fluently enough that it would be pointless for him to study Russian to her level.  They will probably converse in English 99% of the time anyways.

It's good to be able to talk to the parents and friends but as others have said it's a trade off.

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Re: Enroute to Russia, the Search Continues...
« Reply #74 on: May 24, 2018, 12:33:25 PM »
ML you're way off. When I was in grad school, MSC (Physics) back when dinosaurs still walked the Earth we were required to have reading proficiency in at least one foreign language. Some universities required two. Don't know if this applies in the UK.

There's not a great deal of emphasis on language skills in UK universities. If there is any in Kyn's or his subject/level of education it will likely be the exception than the rule. Kyn what is your subject btw?

For most courses the idea will be that the person specializes in what ever they qualify in this country, to concentrate on their subject. I think the branching out into other disciplines/areas during studies is more an American thing, major/minor, choose after first year, have electives, etc, etc. We tend to have a much more rigid system here, at best you will be able to elect from a choice of modules a module from a similar field but these are mostly listed which ones you can do, if its not on the list then its a no-go.

So it would kind of be pot luck if you studied a language hard then a job came up that wanted it AND your specialism. Odds are a job would come up with someone wanting another language, lol. Most jobs though in the UK just ask for the specialism.

I think Kyn could learn a few words of Russian and see if he can pick it up along the way as something to do in the odd few moments here and there rather than spend good quality time on it. I use 'Before You Know It' - a free internet program that also has a handy app so you can learn it with earphones in on mobile phone. Good enough for a few basic words, though I don't think learning the whole language is likely from it. I've always been wanting to get to proper in class language learning classes but the nearest ones are miles away from me and never on the times/days that fit in with my schedule, a real pain.

I think generally though ML & BillyB are right here.
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