It appears you have not registered with our community. To register please click here ...

!!

Welcome to Russian Women Discussion - the most informative site for all things related to serious long-term relationships and marriage to a partner from the Former Soviet Union countries!

Please register (it's free!) to gain full access to the many features and benefits of the site. Welcome!

+-

Poll

At what point in your marriage was adjustment essentially complete?

During the first year
3 (21.4%)
During the second year
2 (14.3%)
During the third year
3 (21.4%)
During the fourth year
1 (7.1%)
After the fourth year
5 (35.7%)

Total Members Voted: 14

Author Topic: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women  (Read 2633 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline BC

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10744
  • Country: it
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« on: August 08, 2006, 12:23:38 PM »
Here's a question for the married guys out there..

After getting married it was quite 'uphill' for a good while.

At what point in your marriage do you think that you both had adjusted to your life together and were 'over the hump'?

Any particular issues that you feel made it easier or more difficult?
« Last Edit: August 08, 2006, 12:26:01 PM by BC »

Offline jb

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5324
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2006, 12:34:36 PM »
BC,

I'm assuming you are referring to that period of time once communal housekeeping was set up. 

Even after 5 years together there are still things that have to be pains takingly explained, like auto insurance policies.  (going thru that again now).   Things that we grew up with and take absolutely for granted will cause a RW to stumble, and if it cost more than a dollar, it must be fully understood before proceeding.  Even if you had that same conversation about car insurance 6 months ago.

Online BillyB

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11903
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
    • Good Story
  • Spouse's Country: Ukraine
  • Status: Married 5-10 years
  • Trips: > 10
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2006, 01:04:12 PM »
I can't vote. I'm not married yet and not over the hump, I still have a lot of hump left in me.
There are people that will pass info about you and your family. Do not share info about yourself or share photos as they can search for you on the internet and distribute what they found since they are allowed to participate here.

Offline BC

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10744
  • Country: it
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2006, 01:24:02 PM »
BC,

I'm assuming you are referring to that period of time once communal housekeeping was set up. 


Not quite jb.. more along the lines of when you felt that things were 'in line' with normality.. like when during her visit back to RU she called and said "I want to come home..'  the point at which she 'clicked' (if you know what I mean).

Offline KenC

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6000
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: No Selection
  • Status: Married 0-2 years
  • Trips: No Selection
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2006, 04:15:19 PM »
BC,
Love your "hump" poll! :o  Oh, a different kind of hump.  Never mind.  As jb said, I still have to explain things that an average AW would automatically know or understand.  But in most ways Lena has "blended" with our culture as much as she ever will.  Viva Le difference!  Some things she will never submit to and I am glad for those.  Foe your poll, I put after 4 years.
KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline Wild Orchid*

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 203
  • Gender: Female
    • Not so wild otchids
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2006, 04:43:32 PM »
I put after 4 years. You are talking here about adjustment of the woman to her new country. I was talking about adjustment  to each other, about stopping  to try to change me, etc…

Offline BC

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10744
  • Country: it
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2006, 09:55:45 AM »
Wild Orchid,

Actually both getting used to each other as a couple and getting used to her new country goes hand in hand.  Here was a little tough with learning a 3rd language to get along which added a good bit of isolation that had it's effect on our relationship.

I voted for during the 3rd year.. this allowed for a few trips back for 'reality checks'.  Like when kids are growing you really don't notice when you're always together but if you've been gone for a month the first thing that hits you is how much they have grown.

Also having her parents here a couple times, especially for the birth of our child helped a good bit.  When her parents came here and said they loved it here she really brightened up.

We had our plate full.. language, kids, school, pregnancy, new country, a minor business disaster  etc etc.  We did walk 'tightrope' for a spell but a lot of concerted efforts kept us on track. What really helped is that I mostly work from home so this mitigated some of the isolation involved and if something came up we could take care of it together right away.  I think this was our 'lifesaver'.  Would have been extremely difficult to balance wife and boss on top of it all.

With our fourth anniversary coming up quickly the 'warm and fuzzies' are really kicking in.


Offline Doug S

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 68
  • Gender: Male
    • GoEastNow
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2006, 02:32:30 PM »
I agree with what some of the other guys have said here. There is a limit to the blending, or "assimilation." They can only take (or give, depending on how you look at it) so much and then they stop. Thier culture, beliefs and customs run very deep and are quite ingrained. And again, as the other guys mentioned, you will often find yourself having to re-visit and re-explain things you thought you got past ayear or even just one month ago.

That is why this is not for every guy. It's not just a defined or limited period of being patient and understanding while she "adjusts." These Russian-American cross-cultural marriages are a life-long commitment of learning and adjusting to a completely foreign culture for both partners. We husbands have to do just as much "adjusting" as our wives do. And they probably say the same things about us in terms of making progress then backsliding or hitting our limit (as we have said about them here).

I thought Olga and I were over the hump after about the third year. She was really swimming and I wasn't working as hard as I had prior to that.(Scratching, like guy caught inside at Pipeline, I was.).

At the five-year mark we decided it was safe and time to make a baby. And that has been great. It brought us closer than ever - completed the "cozy home" and "strong family" equation. You would think that would have pulled us right over the top of the hump and down into some kind of comfort zone.

But the baby activated the Russian in-laws in a way I had not anticipated. Stirred up a whole new mess of cultural differences that I had not considered, and was not prepared for. Really took me by surprise.

Up until then, everything was harasho with Ukranian Mom & Pop - I could do no wrong in their eyes and them seemed like the dream in-laws to me.

Now, a year-and-a-half after the birth of the baby, and with Mom & Pop about to make their second visit to the U.S., I am just now crawling back up to the top of the hump again where I was before the baby was born.

We'll see how this month-long visit with the outlaws goes. With their assistance (and Olga's), I may pull myself back up over the hump and onto the downside again. Or it may backfire and I'll lose ground. Important to remember that when you marry the Russian girl, you marry the whole family. These are close-knit people, and in a very different way than Western families.

DS


 
« Last Edit: August 09, 2006, 02:38:09 PM by Doug S »

Offline BC

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10744
  • Country: it
  • Gender: Male
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: 4 - 10
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2006, 03:13:07 PM »
We husbands have to do just as much "adjusting" as our wives do.


Now this is a true 'nugget'!

Quote
But the baby activated the Russian in-laws in a way I had not anticipated. Stirred up a whole new mess of cultural differences that I had not considered, and was not prepared for. Really took me by surprise.

This kind of puzzles me.  Can't recall experiencing anything in this neighborhood.. 




Offline Wild Orchid*

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 203
  • Gender: Female
    • Not so wild otchids
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2006, 03:29:29 PM »
Now this is a true 'nugget'!

This kind of puzzles me.  Can't recall experiencing anything in this neighborhood.. 





That is exactly what I was trying to say. I did go through some adjustment to my new country, but it wasn’t as long as my husband adjustment to me. He is still trying  to change me in some way.

Offline Doug S

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 68
  • Gender: Male
    • GoEastNow
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2006, 05:04:27 PM »
BC,

Did you and your Russian wife have a child here in the U.S.?

If so, are her (your wife's) parents still together and living in FSU?

Was your child threir first grandchild, or do they have others? (Does your wife have any siblings in FSU?)

And finally, have they (the in-laws) visited you and your Russian wife here in the U.S. yet?

Answers to the above may explain the differences in our experiences. maybe not.

Doug

Offline catzenmouse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4858
  • Country: us
  • Gender: Male
  • Victory Park - Omsk
  • Spouse's Country: Russia
  • Status: Married > 10 years
  • Trips: No Selection
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2006, 05:36:04 PM »
Doug,

 BC is in Italy so they don't have the US issues as such. I'm sure they have had others but not this one.

 I didn't vote as I feel we are still in the hump in a lot of ways and we've only been married for a little over 1 1/2 years.

Ken
"Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal."
-- Louis K. Anspacher

Offline Doug S

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 68
  • Gender: Male
    • GoEastNow
Re: 'Over the hump' poll for the married men/women
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2006, 06:55:13 PM »
Catz,

Well that explains a lot. Europeans, especially socialists like Italians will have far fewer cultural differences with Russians. Especially with the older generations like in-laws, and with issues like grandchildren.

We've got some very close Italian friends from the Old Country (Cremona, Italy) who live here in California. They're a couple in their mid-60s who came to the U.S. in the late 60s. Very old school. Blue collar. Guy makes his own wine in the garage and has 100-lb. wheels of real Parmesan cheese (smuggled in suitcases from Parma) stashed all over the place. Now that they're retired they've lapsed into speaking mostly Italian. They have known me for 15 years. Were my neighbors during my first marriage to my American wife. Witnessed my shocking, scandalous, illogical break-up and divorce. They two daughters that were born and grew up in Southern California. One my age, the other about 10 years younger than me. Both completely westernized. One married twice and divorced twice. No children. (They tried to set me up with her after my own divorce, but I did not like her at all.) The other never married, no children, and an old maid already. This has resulted in no grandchildren for the old, retired couple. Which, to old-school Italians, is like bread and Parmesan without wine.

When I introduced them to Olga, then went ga-ga. Peas in a pod. I might as well be invisible. The daughter they always wished they had. And with Andrei Shevchenko playing for Milan, and all three of them (including my wife, Olga) being in love with Andrei Shevchenko. And now, with our baby, you can imagine. And with my (typically American) family rejecting Olga, and Olga needing more family than just me so far away from hers. I drink the wine and eat the Parmesan (LOVE it, also making my own wine under his supervision), argue with them about being damned lazy socialists (including Olga), Italian soccer game blaring in the background on RAI satellite TV, and they complain to me about how the American "seeestem" is so screwed up, with Olga (and me, to a certain extent), and the baby loving every minute of it, being taken into the fold, temporarily escaping from the culture we have to live, I have to make my living in, have to raise my child in (and want to).

Olga has now become their surrogate daughter and our child their surrogate grand-daughter. And they are the surrogate parents and grandparents for Olga and the baby in America. And I am caught somewhere in the middle. Open-minded, world-traveled, and a "renaissance man," but hopelessly American nonetheless.

And when Olga's parents were here last time, they meshed with those Italians people incredibly.

It's the darndest thing. We all love each other tremendously. There is no doubt about that. Olga's Mom says she likes me better than any of the Russian guys who wanted to marry Olga - would rather see Olga with me. And my Italian friends feel the same way.

But the cultural and ethical differences will always be there. Always. I really believe that if a Russian-American couple lives in the West-West (not Italy), or even in the East-East (FSU, I guess some guys actually try that); there is no getting over the hump completely. It's the love that holds you together. The love has to be stronger than the differences. And that's why so many don't make it.

DS

 

+-RWD Stats

Members
Total Members: 9974
Latest: shakennotstirred
New This Month: 5
New This Week: 1
New Today: 0
Stats
Total Posts: 491182
Total Topics: 19419
Most Online Today: 1192
Most Online Ever: 2480
(November 01, 2018, 05:22:05 PM)
Users Online
Members: 29
Guests: 1167
Total: 1196

+-Recent Posts

Re: Did I Screw Up? by krimster2
Today at 02:17:11 PM

Re: Brexit good, bad or indifferent? by msmob
Today at 01:38:46 PM

Re: Brexit good, bad or indifferent? by msmob
Today at 01:35:46 PM

Re: My new life in the Republic of Georgia by Maxx2
Today at 01:27:38 PM

Re: Brexit good, bad or indifferent? by Trenchcoat
Today at 01:01:00 PM

Re: Brexit good, bad or indifferent? by Trenchcoat
Today at 12:59:51 PM

Re: FOR HISTORY BUFFS by Grumpy
Today at 12:25:32 PM

Re: Brexit good, bad or indifferent? by msmob
Today at 12:20:53 PM

Re: Brexit good, bad or indifferent? by msmob
Today at 12:02:31 PM

Re: Brexit good, bad or indifferent? by Trenchcoat
Today at 12:00:45 PM

Powered by EzPortal