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Author Topic: Future mother in law  (Read 936 times)

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Online Jamesukjames

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Future mother in law
« on: December 29, 2018, 05:51:00 AM »
Ok not too many nasty comments.  Gf and son like me and it's going well.  Relationship with gf mother has gone from a bad start to worse.  To the point that gf mother walks away if she sees me. Gf father was killed when she was 12 so 26 years ago and gf marriage only lasted until her son was 1.  Not sure where I'm going wrong.  Gf mother speaks fluent English.  Gf speaks a little better than pigeon English.  I speak pigeon Russian.  Gf mother thinks I'm not to be trusted because I'm prepared to have a relationship wuth a single mother and child.  Gf mother keeps saying her son gf brother is head of family and I should go away.  I plan to keep  going with my gf. 

Online msmob

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2018, 06:07:41 AM »
We only have 'you side' of the story - and you may not know all - not to doubt you..

From what you have said ..the M-i-L doesn't like you and it's up to you to bite on it and show her that you are worthy for her daughter ..

Don't get involved in a bitter battle with the M-i-l

Online Jamesukjames

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2018, 06:17:00 AM »
True gf always seems calm rest of her life but verball fights with her mother like 2 wild cats.  Guess I just have to ignore mother in law.  Just have never experienced this before.

Online msmob

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2018, 08:01:17 AM »
True gf always seems calm rest of her life but verball fights with her mother like 2 wild cats.  Guess I just have to ignore mother in law.  Just have never experienced this before.

When in her company, do not ignore her, just smile and be polite ... Your g/f will not understand your Eng conversation - but resist the temptation to say something 'bad'

If your relationship works out - she'll either come around or she'll be begging you to invite her when you move the family to the UK

« Last Edit: December 29, 2018, 12:39:58 PM by msmob »

Online John Gaunt

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2018, 08:25:08 AM »
Ok not too many nasty comments.  Gf and son like me and it's going well.  Relationship with gf mother has gone from a bad start to worse.  To the point that gf mother walks away if she sees me. Gf father was killed when she was 12 so 26 years ago and gf marriage only lasted until her son was 1.  Not sure where I'm going wrong.  Gf mother speaks fluent English.  Gf speaks a little better than pigeon English.  I speak pigeon Russian.  Gf mother thinks I'm not to be trusted because I'm prepared to have a relationship wuth a single mother and child.  Gf mother keeps saying her son gf brother is head of family and I should go away.  I plan to keep  going with my gf.
Thats a real shame.
I have an excellent relationship with my mil right from the day we first met. In fact shes with us right now.
You need to be careful in this situation. If mil is against you then that spells trouble for you in the future. If gf is an only child then it could be she doesnt want her daughter moving to a different country and taking her grandchild away.
If it ever comes to a choice between you and mil, she will probably win.
You should be very sensitive to what is driving her attitude to you and resolve it before going any further.

Online BillyB

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2018, 10:05:45 AM »
Gf mother thinks I'm not to be trusted because I'm prepared to have a relationship wuth a single mother and child. 

Did she tell you that to your face? She could be upset you're taking daughter and grandchild away from her and you won't do a better job than she can. Regardless if your gf fights with her mom, treat MIL with respect. When MIL sees you're taking care of the family, she will eventually trust you. When you visit her, give her a big hug. The only thing that matters is the relationship you have with your gf. Getting mad at or fighting with any of her family isn't productive.
There are people that will pass info about you and your family. Do not share info about yourself or share photos as they can search for you on the internet and distribute what they found since they are allowed to participate here.

Offline Boethius

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2018, 12:40:50 PM »
Unless your lady is very strong willed, this will not end in your favour.


This post was composed without the aid of google.
To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Online Jamesukjames

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2018, 01:09:56 PM »
Yes on family holiday to Egypt with ml and gf and gf son.  Every opportunity when ml and I were alone I got this monologue.  I'm a straightforward person I can't predict the future with her daughter all I can offer is to do my best.   Anyway I'm the only one standing at present the other 3 are in bed with flu.

Online BillyB

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2018, 01:27:42 PM »
Yes on family holiday to Egypt with ml and gf and gf son.  Every opportunity when ml and I were alone I got this monologue. 


Sounds like she's trying to scare you away at every opportunity. Probably working on her daughter too. This hurts your chances of success but if you and your gf wants to move forward and are in agreement mother is wrong, then proceed. Every time you see her, give her a big hug, kiss on the cheek and smile before she opens her mouth and walks away.
There are people that will pass info about you and your family. Do not share info about yourself or share photos as they can search for you on the internet and distribute what they found since they are allowed to participate here.

Offline BC

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2018, 01:55:05 PM »
Is GF supporting MIL financially?

Offline GenMish

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2018, 02:01:53 PM »
I don't know about james, but in my 25 yr relationship with my Russian MIL, geopolitics and the USD Ruble exchange rate played a big part in how much she liked me at any one moment in time. I know it was understandable for those that grew up in the USSR, but my MIL held on to those ideas despite all the benefits for her daughter

Online Trenchcoat

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2018, 02:14:11 PM »
I was thinking the same as BC, in Ukraine as you may know the state pension is pitiful and not enough to live on. Most rely on their offspring to support them. Some old people still keep up work to support themselves but for how long? So unless it's a pretty rich family she could well have worries not to mention the fear of being left alone.

I guess she would want to know where she all fits into it all. If she remains unconvinced then I'm guessing you may struggle to get her onside.

At the moment she has a situation where her daughter then grandson would be there for her. That's a whole log better for her than promises from overseas which for all she knows may amount to little.

Whatever the case she certainly seems to see you as a threat.

This stuff is part of the reason I personally avoid women with children already as it tends to just complicate a dating scene that's complex enough as a foreigner. I just don't need the added headache. A girl without children may be viewed by parents as a bonus if a WM turns up again support of parents can be an issue but potentially more scope to alleviate the issues perhaps.


Offline Boethius

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2018, 02:23:24 PM »
I doubt monetary support has anything to do with the mother's position.  The average pension in Ukraine is US$70, and most pensioners at that level also get state subsidies for housing, if required, and some utilities.  Any relative abroad can supplement a pensioner's income for almost nothing.  Plus, it appears she also has a son who would support her.


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To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Online calmissile

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #13 on: December 29, 2018, 03:34:14 PM »
True gf always seems calm rest of her life but verball fights with her mother like 2 wild cats.  Guess I just have to ignore mother in law.  Just have never experienced this before.

I did not read the whole thread but was amused when I read this post.

Both with a former fiance and my current wife, I experienced the yelling and screaming between them and their mothers.  Even after 5 years of marriage I am still wakened by my wife and her mother yelling at each other via Skype or phone.

I don't know if I am correct or not, but came to the conclusion that this must be a characteristic of the language or the culture.  Since I don't know Russian or Ukrainian I do not know what is being said in the conversations.  The one thing I have observed is that the next morning everything is fine and the loving conversations continue as though it was not an actual fight between them.  Rolling over and going back to sleep seems to be the best solution for me.  :)

Perhaps Boe or another FSUW can offer some insight as to whether this is part of a culture or language characteristic.
Doug (Calmissile)

Offline Boethius

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #14 on: December 29, 2018, 06:44:39 PM »
The one thing I have observed is that the next morning everything is fine and the loving conversations continue as though it was not an actual fight between them.  Rolling over and going back to sleep seems to be the best solution for me.  :)

Perhaps Boe or another FSUW can offer some insight as to whether this is part of a culture or language characteristic.


It's a remnant of proletarian culture.  You have to have been to any of these countries during Soviet times to understand.  More often than not, they are not even arguing, it's just the way they speak to one another.  I know it is Soviet, because I never witnessed this among diaspora Ukrainians, including those who came from Western Ukraine after WWII.  My MIL comes from a family that was very serious and quiet, so she has never spoken in the typical FSU loud manner, but she is an exception. 

Unless one speaks the language FSU individuals are communicating in fluently, don't default to they are arguing.  They may not be.

This post was composed without the aid of google.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2018, 06:48:48 PM by Boethius »
To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Online DaveNY

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #15 on: December 29, 2018, 07:02:24 PM »

Unless one speaks the language FSU individuals are communicating in fluently, don't default to they are arguing.  They may not be.

This post was composed without the aid of google.

This is why I say if you're marrying someone whose language is different from yours you have to learn the language of your spouse. When her/his family visits they're likely going to speak their language not yours even if they understand your language. Tell them they have to speak your language in your house and your marriage is not likely to last long.

Your spouse is not going to translate everything for you. Certainly not when the inlaws are insulting you. If you think you'll know when you're being insulted by someone speaking a language you don't understand you're deluding yourself.

IMO to understand a foreign culture you have to learn the language to some extent.

Online msmob

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #16 on: December 30, 2018, 01:44:49 AM »
This is why I say if you're marrying someone whose language is different from yours you have to learn the language of your spouse. When her/his family visits they're likely going to speak their language not yours even if they understand your language. Tell them they have to speak your language in your house and your marriage is not likely to last long.

Your spouse is not going to translate everything for you. Certainly not when the inlaws are insulting you. If you think you'll know when you're being insulted by someone speaking a language you don't understand you're deluding yourself.

Sorry Dave,

but I disagree..

Whilst it is useful to know your partner's native language - you'll NEVER be good enough to keep up if they become 'seriously animated' and get all the nuances ..


IMO to understand a foreign culture you have to learn the language to some extent.

Your qualification is bang on ..
« Last Edit: December 30, 2018, 02:11:21 AM by AnonMod »

Online John Gaunt

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #17 on: December 30, 2018, 02:14:51 AM »

It's a remnant of proletarian culture.  You have to have been to any of these countries during Soviet times to understand.  More often than not, they are not even arguing, it's just the way they speak to one another.  I know it is Soviet, because I never witnessed this among diaspora Ukrainians, including those who came from Western Ukraine after WWII.  My MIL comes from a family that was very serious and quiet, so she has never spoken in the typical FSU loud manner, but she is an exception. 

Unless one speaks the language FSU individuals are communicating in fluently, don't default to they are arguing.  They may not be.

This post was composed without the aid of google.
Ive never heard my wife and her mother raise their voices.

Online Jamesukjames

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #18 on: December 30, 2018, 02:44:34 AM »
I understand yes my new family is drawn from genes from all over the fsu just ended up in ukraine

Offline Boethius

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #19 on: December 30, 2018, 03:22:40 AM »
It doesnt matter, they are all from the same proletarian culture.

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To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Online msmob

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #20 on: December 30, 2018, 05:39:04 AM »
My soon to be ex-wife's mother in law WOULD raise her voice and daughters 'tactic' was to refuse to speak to her ... for months ..

My Russian improved as M-i-L would write to ME !




« Last Edit: December 30, 2018, 07:08:00 AM by msmob »

Online Jamesukjames

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #21 on: December 30, 2018, 06:30:02 AM »
One of the reasons I like Russian speaking women the situation has blown over by the time I figure it out.  Dating English the agro goes into your brain like nails.

Online Jamesukjames

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #22 on: December 30, 2018, 09:37:14 AM »
If pensions in ukraine are so good why do I see old people going through the garbage looking for food.

Offline Boethius

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #23 on: December 30, 2018, 12:11:19 PM »
I didn't post that life was easy for pensioners.  I posted that Trench can't use their example as one for how easy it will be for him to live on 300 a month, using pensions as a base.  He can't, because Ukrainian pensioners do get state subsidies that Trench won't get.

This post was composed without the aid of google.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 09:13:32 AM by Boethius »
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Offline mendeleyev

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2019, 08:55:27 AM »
From experience, this one is very difficult. Unless already married, I'd be out the door. Trust me from personal hell. It is very hard to separate a girl (no matter her age) from her mother.


Over time you will have better luck with rolling down the window and trying to f...k the world.
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