Is that your experience too?

[wiz]

As you know I have said before that I never lie in my life and always answer any questions honestly. Of course many times I am economical with the truth to avoid unpleasant feelings but that does not mean I am a liar.

Every time I have met an FSU woman and when she asks me about my past relationships, I have always answered openly and honestly but when I ask the same question back they avoid replying to me. Many of them have told me that they don’t want to talk about the past and I should not ask about it again because is a closed book for them.

In my “Pretty woman” at the “Dilema post” there is a paragraph talking about that and in my view if you are unaware of her past you can’t avoid making the same mistakes that will make her unhappy and makes no difference how carefull and tactfull you are not to hurt their feelings.

I find this attitude on their part a little disingenuous.

Is that your experience too?

[Shadow]

It all depends on  what experiences the women have had. Do not forget that some women have experiences that if they would share them with you would cause some shock effect. By not telling they protect you.

As far as experiences that hurt their feelings are concerned, what hurts a womans feelings coming from one person can be found a proof of love coming from another. Knowing the past will not stop you from future mistakes.

[Jooky]

Is that your experience too?

Absolutely not. And I'll tell you I lie plenty but only to get a good laugh. When it comes to serious matters with women I am completely honest and open. No bull, no secrets. The women I've dated have responded in kind. No uncomfortable details needed, but the Russian women I know have told me whatever I've asked about. No need to go on about it. I get a clear picture of the past, as do they, and we both move to the future. That's all!

[Rvrwind]

The women I've dated have responded in kind. No uncomfortable details needed, but the Russian women I know have told me whatever I've asked about. No need to go on about it. I get a clear picture of the past, as do they, and we both move to the future. That's all!

I can also say that has been my experience as well.
The way I look at it is if they won't talk about it then obviously they have something to hide or somethng they are ashamed of. That being the case & they are not open & honest with me as I am with them then its time to move on - NEXT!!! I don't care what it is, as long as they are willing to talk to me openly about it I don't care, that was the past, this is now. My past isn't pretty either but I am honest about it & that to me means the most, pretty or not.

[wiz]

I can also say that has been my experience as well.

The way I look at it is if they won't talk about it then obviously they have something to hide or something they are ashamed of. That being the case & they are not open & honest with me as I am with them then its time to move on - NEXT!!!

I don't care what it is, as long as they are willing to talk to me openly about it I don't care, that was the past, this is now. My past isn't pretty either but I am honest about it & that to me means the most, pretty or not.

Totally agree with you, as I am of the same view.

My past is not pretty either But as I said I have no problem talking about it and giving straight honest answers.
I always look to the future and I don't care what happened in her past. We have to take it from there and see what we can do together.

Only asked this question because I wanted to clear in my mind that I am not wrong holding this view. During the period I have been looking, nearly 2 years now, I have communicated with several women and met a few and I took that as red flag and moved on, as you say.

To me is a matter of trust and if they insist hiding their past then:

How can I trust them to build a good relationship?

[Rvrwind]

To me is a matter of trust and if they insist hiding their past then:

How can I trust them to build a good relationship?

Exactly, & the answer is you can't IMHO.
To move towards a future the past is not necessarily totally relevant but if she ill share her past o matter how bad it was you know you will deffinitely be able to share a future, possibly together.

[PeeWee]

I have had them ask why I divorced but not much more. When I get the questions about the past I tend to have a stock answer for them. "The past is now the past. I tend to think about the here and now and about the future."  End of conversation and it works great too. No good can come from you giving up to a woman any information that she can later use against you.

Peevee

[wiz]

I have had them ask why I divorced but not much more. When I get the questions about the past I tend to have a stock answer for them. "The past is now the past. I tend to think about the here and now and about the future."  End of conversation and it works great too. No good can come from you giving up to a woman any information that she can later use against you.

Peevee

Sorry Peewee

I don't agree with you that you have to ignore the past. You obviously are afraid of the woman using personal information which you have disclosed to her, against you.

If you have nothing to hide then there where is the problem but if you have a murky past it would be honest better that you made her aware so she can not complai later.

I prefer to know the basics of her past and if there is something that she is ashamed of it would be better that I know. Suppose she was a working girl?

I will have no problem, if I fell in love, marrying a working girl as long she told me about it so I am prepared if her past comes out!

How would you feel opening a magazie and finding pornographic photos of your wife ?

Actually working girls become better wifes because they appreciate the man who married them.

[BillyB]

Every time I have met an FSU woman and when she asks me about my past relationships, I have always answered openly and honestly but when I ask the same question back they avoid replying to me. Many of them have told me that they don’t want to talk about the past and I should not ask about it again because is a closed book for them.

That's my experience too with some. The women are silent when I ask of their past after mentioning mine. It seems they remain silent on any question that can hurt them. At least it's better than them lying. Many women who expect you to talk but refuse to talk themselves are going to use whatever you say against you in the future. My fiancee has not asked about my past girlfriends or ex-wife.  I take it that it really is not important to her and the past is really the past. She means what she says through her silence on this issue.

[docetae]

As you know I have said before that I never lie in my life and always answer any questions honestly. Of course many times I am economical with the truth to avoid unpleasant feelings but that does not mean I am a liar.

Every time I have met an FSU woman and when she asks me about my past relationships, I have always answered openly and honestly but when I ask the same question back they avoid replying to me. Many of them have told me that they don’t want to talk about the past and I should not ask about it again because is a closed book for them.

In my “Pretty woman” at the “Dilema post” there is a paragraph talking about that and in my view if you are unaware of her past you can’t avoid making the same mistakes that will make her unhappy and makes no difference how carefull and tactfull you are not to hurt their feelings.

I find this attitude on their part a little disingenuous.

Is that your experience too?

She told me that I can ask the question I want and she has nothing to hide. She asked me about my divorce and how is my ex, I do the same and answers were open and honests.

I get the same experience with other Ukrainian women I was dating (age range 24->28, divorced with child), the only one who was not answering questions directly was a plan C in Samara.

[PeeWee]

Sorry Peewee

I don't agree with you that you have to ignore the past. You obviously are afraid of the woman using personal information which you have disclosed to her, against you.

If you have nothing to hide then there where is the problem but if you have a murky past it would be honest better that you made her aware so she can not complai later.

I prefer to know the basics of her past and if there is something that she is ashamed of it would be better that I know. Suppose she was a working girl?

I will have no problem, if I fell in love, marrying a working girl as long she told me about it so I am prepared if her past comes out!

How would you feel opening a magazie and finding pornographic photos of your wife ?

Actually working girls become better wifes because they appreciate the man who married them.

I prudent man should be concerned about giving to anyone, much less a woman, any information that is not relevent to the present relationship. It is none of her business what has happened in past relationships. She is not Dr. Phil so why does she have a need to know? They will just use it against you later. No point in allowing that to happen.

Peevee

[TexasBoar]

I made this mistake once . . . with an AW.

It was the "how many?" conversation.  I mentally divided by 2, lol, gave what I thought was a reasonable answer for someone who, after all, had been at that point single for 12 of the past 17 years, been in the service, and gone to high school in the 70's.

It still turned out to a rather large multiple of her answer.  And pretty much a deal-breaker.  I'm not intentionally dishonest, but I've tended to be a bit vague about such things ever since. 

PeeWee's answer's a good one.  I think I'm gonna start writing that man's posts down.

~Boar

[Son of Clyde]

I was honest about my past and I think she respected it.
I was fed up with materialistic, selfish American women and I stopped dating for quite a long time. These are the women who ask where all the decent men are and when you try to be a decent guy they want to be your friend. I was fed up with being the nice guy, who was "safe" but whenever I tried to get beyond safe the women would turn on me.
When I met my wife through her ad I honestly told her I felt I had something to offer and I was ready to date again. She respected my honesty and the fact I had her letters translated to Russian before I sent them. The RW want to know you care enough to do something special, like sending your letters in her native language.

[PeeWee]

I made this mistake once . . . with an AW.

It was the "how many?" conversation.  I mentally divided by 2, lol, gave what I thought was a reasonable answer for someone who, after all, had been at that point single for 12 of the past 17 years, been in the service, and gone to high school in the 70's.

It still turned out to a rather large multiple of her answer.  And pretty much a deal-breaker.  I'm not intentionally dishonest, but I've tended to be a bit vague about such things ever since. 

PeeWee's answer's a good one.  I think I'm gonna start writing that man's posts down.

~Boar

LOL!!! Men over state the number and women understate the number. They never want to seem like sluts so they tell you a number that is 50% less than the real number. Most men, on the other hand, seem to like to brag about this number. Hence, their number tends to be over blown.

Peevee

[PeeWee]

Think about it this way. Why is The National Enquirer, People Magazine, and soap operas so popular? Women love to read and hear about gossip. Other people's troubles and problems. So why would you give to her any more related information. She is not concerned about your past she is looking to hear about problems and gossip. This sometimes even gives her fodder for her chats with her girlfriends. So if you tell her something in confidence do you think that you stand a chance of that information remaining a secret between the two of you?  In the words of Jesse Jackson, "I think not."

Peevee

[TexasBoar]

LOL!!! Men over state the number and women understate the number. They never want to seem like sluts so they tell you a number that is 50% less than the real number. Most men, on the other hand, seem to like to brag about this number. Hence, their number tends to be over blown.

Peevee

Heh heh heh.  Such a kidder, you.   

S'true, most of the time.  Then there's guys like me, who could go to their graves without another woman and still finish ahead of everyone but Mick Jagger, Gene Simmons, and Wilt Chamberlain . . . 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

~Boar

[PeeWee]

Heh heh heh.  Such a kidder, you.   

S'true, most of the time.  Then there's guys like me, who could go to their graves without another woman and still finish ahead of everyone but Mick Jagger, Gene Simmons, and Wilt Chamberlain . . . 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

~Boar

We are going to have to add an "n" to your name. Bonar.  Texas Bonar. Bonar Boy.

Peevee

[Rvrwind]

IMHO, full disclosure is the start to a meaningfull & trustworthy partner. Starting a relatioship with secrets can only harm future relations. Also IMHO any woman that uses that information for emotional blackmail or otherwise is gonna get her a$$ kicked to the curb ASAP.
I don't disclose all to just any woman I date, we must have a longterm & real intense relationship that is going to last. I have never had a woman use this information against me & I have never used what they devuldge against them. It is the basis for a solid relationship between to comited & loyal people.
If you are afraid she will use that info against you I suggest you move on as obviosly you don't trust her from the get go & that being the case, is not the place to start a longlasting relationship.
JMHO of course.

[BC]

Anything that could be a dealbreaker down the road should be discussed early on.  We were pretty honest with each other, discussed the general aspects of our previous relationships, what went wrong with them and left it at that.

I can say that my wife is quite forward thinking and doesn't dwell in the past.  As discussed in other threads we both respect the walls of our home and resolve our issues inside and not outside the family.

Life tends to be like a washing machine.. at one point or other the dirt will come out.  I guess IMBRA is an added pre-wash cycle for some.

[wiz]

IMHO, full disclosure is the start to a meaningfull & trustworthy partner. Starting a relatioship with secrets can only harm future relations. Also IMHO any woman that uses that information for emotional blackmail or otherwise is gonna get her a$$ kicked to the curb ASAP.
I don't disclose all to just any woman I date, we must have a longterm & real intense relationship that is going to last. I have never had a woman use this information against me & I have never used what they devuldge against them. It is the basis for a solid relationship between to comited & loyal people.
If you are afraid she will use that info against you I suggest you move on as obviosly you don't trust her from the get go & that being the case, is not the place to start a longlasting relationship.
JMHO of course.

Richard

Is it our age that makes us to agree in every point or the place we live?

Never had a problem with any of my women, English or any other Nationality and I had a few!

Also IMHO any woman that uses that information for emotional blackmail or otherwise is gonna get her a$$ kicked to the curb ASAP.

Exactly my view. Not her a$$ but my sharp tongue will make her feel the same.

Haven't I read many times over here that many relationships haven't worked.........language etc.

Sure these men who don't like talking about the past definitely are worried for the Divorce possibility and what it will happen.

NOT a nice way to start a relationship!

[Haseki Hurem]

I have had them ask why I divorced but not much more. When I get the questions about the past I tend to have a stock answer for them. "The past is now the past. I tend to think about the here and now and about the future."  End of conversation and it works great too. No good can come from you giving up to a woman any information that she can later use against you.

Peevee, good point.

And the truth is that most women are afraid, that you can use against them ANY information they would give.

Besides, what for do you need the truth about ex-husband getting on her nerves steadily for his fun (to get on her nerves yourself later, or what?) or about her being raped, or...

What do you need THIS side of the truth? Oh yeah... you want to know Number-what you are?

Heh, one girl answered to her boyfriends question, how many males she was with: "Shall I count females too?" and the man failed in the relationship, cause she was "too experienced" for him

No, you cannot judge from it!

And I think that you talk too much about your past relationships, and your talks are good only to see, where you go on the accustomed round, and don't want to change whatever a woman does - and fly in time

[wiz]

Peevee, good point.

And the truth is that most women are afraid, that you can use against them ANY information they would give.

Besides, what for do you need the truth about ex-husband getting on her nerves steadily for his fun (to get on her nerves yourself later, or what?) or about her being raped, or...

What do you need THIS side of the truth? Oh yeah... you want to know Number-what you are?

Heh, one girl answered to her boyfriends question, how many males she was with: "Shall I count females too?" and the man failed in the relationship, cause she was "too experienced" for him

No, you cannot judge from it!

And I think that you talk too much about your past relationships, and your talks are good only to see, where you go on the accustomed round, and don't want to change whatever a woman does - and fly in time

Typical Russsian/Ukrainian woman's secretive attitude!

Do you think I care with how many men my future wife had sex with in the past?

Of course not and makes no different if it was 1 or 10. What matters is what she does after we met and we become an item.

Ask any woman with how many men she had sex before she met you and her reply will be 3-5 max. She conveniently of course forgot that she had sex with all the members of the local football team and I say this without trying to offend the women. Is a fact of life……..

No women or men ever tell the full truth and I prefer to forget the number of my sexual encounters, when I was young living in Corfu. Too many female and available tourists there and is the National sport with the young generation to meet as many as they can during summer.

What actually want to know is if there are any skeletons in her Cabot, which maybe will comeback to bite my backside and destroy our relationship.

Let me give you an example from my first trip to West Ukraine.

In 2003 I met a beautiful Ukrainian woman of 48 yrs old in London living illegally here and I liked her very much.

For 6 months we were going out regularly and I was trying to get to know her better. She spend most of the weekends in my flat and we have been everywhere in the South of England.

At the beginning I gave her the benefit of the doubt so I did not press her to tell me where she was living in London but after 3 months she let me visit her in her little room.

She told me that she was a widow and her husband was a professor of Lviv University and was killed in an accident together with her son in Law. Unbeknown to her I was talking to a woman in Lviv by MSN and she told me that there was never a professor under this name and she checked also about the accident but nothing came out.

When I told her that she had not told me the truth about her husband then she said she was divorced because her husband had a child with another woman. Finally she told me that after her divorce she met a doctor but never married him.

I had heard so much about Lviv from my friend there so I went down in May 2004. I was introduced to a woman translator, by an English friend and while there met a real nice young man, who acted as my body guard……not that I needed and we are still friends. Of course never said to her where I was going and planned to visit her place if I could.

While I was there I thought I better check to see her village/town out of curiosity so the 3 of us went there.

It transpires that she was still married to her husband, had a daughter by the Doctor and for that reason escaped to UK and she was supporting the whole family!

Back in UK I thought of giving her the last chance so I asked her again and same story.
You ought to see her face when she saw the photos of me and her husband, daughters etc.

I woudn’t have a problem waiting for a divorce to come through if she wanted to apply for one, or live as a couple and she could continue supporting her family etc.

No I did not care about all that because when we were together she made ma happy and was fun to be with but of course I did not liked the pack of lies she had told me so I finished our relationship!

I could not trust her anymore!

PS: She is still living in London, talks to me periodically and I noticed she is very unhappy living a lonely life in a huge city!

Sorry but nobody wants to know the gory details of a woman’s sexual encounters that he is dating but the basic honest truth! That is all.

[Haseki Hurem]

Wiz, your story with the woman from Lviv is a good one.

But let's divide the different things, one from the other. Knowing the MAIN part of her past, or digging into it as deep as you can? What is your meaning?

I admit that telling the basic story of ex-marriage/dating and reasons of separation is necessary. But I also understood from your words, that you include into it the Whole truth - as much details as you can remember about past relationship, digging into it as deep as possible.

Yes, I admit once again: lying about a family in the other country is not appropriate, but at the same time here it is out of question: to tell about the past relationship or not. The answer is self understood: to tell that the relationship existed, but not tell about the relationship itself.

[wiz]

Wiz, your story with the woman from Lviv is a good one.

But let's divide the different things, one from the other. Knowing the MAIN part of her past, or digging into it as deep as you can? What is your meaning?

I admit that telling the basic story of ex-marriage/dating and reasons of separation is necessary. But I also understood from your words, that you include into it the Whole truth - as much details as you can remember about past relationship, digging into it as deep as possible.

Yes, I admit once again: lying about a family in the other country is not appropriate, but at the same time here it is out of question: to tell about the past relationship or not. The answer is self understood: to tell that the relationship existed, but not tell about the relationship itself.

I did say in my previous post I do not need to know all the gory details but only the basics....or MAIN details as you call it.

For example here is my story.

I met and married my ex-wife in Corfu in 1970, we had 2 sons and we were married for over 10 years.
We had a good relationship between us for most of the years apart from the last 2, we are still friends, but we divorced in 1980, not because a third person was involve but just because we grown apart.

I met many other women in between until 1984 when I met my ex-G/F and we been together for over 15 years. We never married and we always lived apart. The relationship started cooling down in the last 2 years of the 90's because I neglected her as I was involved in building up my business. We have remained friends and we talk with each other frequently and sometimes, as I have no new woman in my life, we go out for dinner or a drink.

I started looking to find a new woman in 2004, met a few and so far I have not met the right one.

That is a basic outlining, without lying and there is no more to it.

What is wrong with that?

If they want to know more about my relationships I have no problem answering their questions.

At the end of the day they like me as I am or dosfidania.

I can not delete my past and I am proud of my family!

[Turboguy]

I think it is a personal issue and the answer will be different for each of us.  I have little in my past that I would hesitate to share with a woman I was interested in.  Yes, if she asked me how many women I had been with I might divide it by some number such as 10 but I have had few ask.  At my age and single for a long time if the true answer was 2 or 3 and I was a woman that would scare me.

I am sure there are a few things like anyone that I would not share but something such as if she asked me why I got divorced I would tell her about.   The part about the actual ending and me lucky I was not killed by a jealous cop husband of some gal I might leave out, and perhaps I wouldn't