How much time is required to do successully wed a RW?

[Todd]

We often talk about how much money is required to do a search, but I don't think that the time question has ever been approached.  I was reading in another post about someone mentioning that people with 2 weeks of vacation time feel under time pressure when they do a search.  Is it just me, or do other people think that the odds of success are quite low if one only has 2 weeks of fixed vacation time each year?  It would seem to me that Europeans have a far greater advantage over Americans in this respect. 

How much time do you think is required?  For example, Kate and I only had five trips together prior to her coming to the US.  I would think that at a bare minimum someone should expect to devote at least 4 weeks/year to do something like this.  This 4 weeks could be spent in the search, the getting together, or in the orientation and wedding planning once she is here.

[happiness]

Define "successfully wed"... in my opinion at least three trips are necessary to make a good decision.  In my case I only made two trips but I wish I had made five trips.  I don't know if the number of days/weeks counts as much as total trips.  For instance four trips at one week each would be better than two trips at two weeks each, because it's difficult to know the real traits/habits/personality during the first two trips.

[Jet]

Is it just me, or do other people think that the odds of success are quite low if one only has 2 weeks of fixed vacation time each year? 

Personally, I would not even attempt to start this adventure if I were restricted to 2 weeks per year. I would think one would need triple that (minimum), even if they were reasonably sure they had already found the right woman for them. Even the infamous 1WkWonder made multiple trips before bringing his wife to the US. I'm sure that somewhere there is a couple that is living happily ever after having sealed the deal in 2 weeks per yr, but the odds against the happy ending go up exponentially.

Regarding 4 trips X 1 week vs 2 trips X 2 weeks, I tend to favor the longer trips because ANYBODY can be on their best behavior for a week. I stayed for nearly a month on one of my trips specifically to understand what day to day life would likely look like after the "novelty" started to wear down. I wanted to see how the inevitable argument would play out. I wanted to see if we'd get on each other's nerves over an extended period. I wanted to see the interaction of her son with us once he was comfortable to show his true colors. All of these are things you can't learn on a 1 week Moscow holiday.

[Bruce]

It depends on a lot of factors.  I am assuming the guy and girl know what they want.  If the girl speaks English fluently or very well that should knock off one trip.  However, if a girl without any English knowledge is learning quickly by the second or third trip to meet her that should tell you a lot about her motivation (hopefully because she is into you and knows she must learn English fluently).  That being said, I think three trips spaced within two to three months should be enough, with a fourth just to make sure things are right, and a ton of correspondence in between.   Remember, the couple must be attracted physically, must get along socially (which takes time to figure out), must share common goals (which takes time to understand the nuances of the general goals), and must make each other feel really special, hopefully with one thing which appeals to each others inner core (may take a long time).

One other point.  The longer the trip the better, but if the girl has a life over there more than two weeks could be very disruptive, or expect a lot of down time while your girlfriend goes to work etc.  A short trip, especially a vacation within or out of the FSU could be very beneficial to see how she handles stressful and totally new situations.  Still, the first trip should be in her home city and take it from there.  The more you learn about her, her family and her friends the better off you are.  See how she interacts with others.  See how she treats others.  Is it the real her or a show?  Is it situational.  Make sure you know what you are looking for.

[docetae]

It depends on a lot of factors.  I am assuming the guy and girl know what they want.  If the girl speaks English fluently or very well that should knock off one trip.  However, if a girl without any English knowledge is learning quickly by the second or third trip to meet her that should tell you a lot about her motivation (hopefully because she is into you and knows she must learn English fluently).  That being said, I think three trips spaced within two to three months should be enough, with a fourth just to make sure things are right, and a ton of correspondence in between.   Remember, the couple must be attracted physically, must get along socially (which takes time to figure out), must share common goals (which takes time to understand the nuances of the general goals), and must make each other feel really special, hopefully with one thing which appeals to each others inner core (may take a long time).

One other point.  The longer the trip the better, but if the girl has a life over there more than two weeks could be very disruptive, or expect a lot of down time while your girlfriend goes to work etc.  A short trip, especially a vacation within or out of the FSU could be very beneficial to see how she handles stressful and totally new situations.  Still, the first trip should be in her home city and take it from there.  The more you learn about her, her family and her friends the better off you are.  See how she interacts with others.  See how she treats others.  Is it the real her or a show?  Is it situational.  Make sure you know what you are looking for.

When I have met the first time the woman I'm dating, she was not speaking a single word of english ... Now we are able to talk together ... I guess this will probably take a total of 5 or 6 travels over more than one year before we are engaged if this happen.

[CaptB]

How long?...........................................As long as it takes.

"Number of trips mean nothing". I hava met guys who I knew were with the wrong woman..........but married anyway.......ending badly. The first RW I had a serious relationship with.......I made three trips.......before determining I was on the wrong track. Basically a good person.......just not "good" for me. I was always willing to make multiple trips (as many as needed).......and in no particular hurry to find a partner. My dating life here in the states was just fine.

Then I met my wife. Her hometown of Stavropol was next on my list to visit. Nice city. I was looking for an interpreter and guide........originally. We found each other online. She was not looking for a foreign husband. She had helped many girl friends with letter writing, translation, phone calls etc. Her (pushy) friends convinced her to put her profile up on a few websites.........which is where I found her. After exchanging e-mails for a few weeks........we had our first phone call. Another call a week later.......another in four days......two days.....then eventually everyday.......for three months before my visit. We had alot in common.......and became friends. When I went to visit.....we got to know each other.....did alot of regular things........it was not forced........just comfortable. Note here......our communication level was very high with less surprises. My wife was an English teacher for 16 years.......and started her education of the English language at age 8 in the Russian school system. A marriage proposal happened several weeks after my return from visiting. We just knew it was the right thing to do. We were "both" on the same page. Even her Mother was not surprised. Although "mom" did say......." why did it take him three hours to get to the point (on our phone call)

These questions get asked all of the time here. How much money? How many trips? How long should you wait to propose? There is no solid answer. Each case is different. In our case.......one trip......was unusually low. But our communication level was very unusual also. Hundreds of hours of phone calls.....with a 99% level of understanding (the other 1%......American slang.......can get into the way......in very amusing ways.......sometimes).......is definately not the norm. My wife and I became true friends first........the rest just fell into place naturally.

How many trips? For most (after finding "the one").......3 - 5 trips are probaly more the "norm". The real answer.............."as long as it takes".

Capt B

[ronin308]

I guess you need to define successfully wed first.  At what point would the relationship be considered a success.  After all many men have wed an FSU bride only to have it go down hill after a while.

I can only speak with my rather abnormal experience.  Our original decision to get engaged came after the first visit (I acknowledge this was a mistake at the time and it's one reason why unless you need it I recommend steering away from a "full service" agency) but we waited almost 18 months before getting the visa.

During that time I averaged a visit every 2 months.  I would say a minimum of 3-4 visits is really needed.  The first visit could be short but you should have one longer (ie 2+ weeks) visit in her hometown.  This both gives you time to see if she is wearing her mask and you get to spend some "regular" time where you caught up in the excitement of an exotic vacation.  If possible a short trip somewhere is also good because travel is a greater stressor and you can see how she handles it.

Language is very important, my second trip back we could handle most conversation but things really didn't click until my 3rd trip.

[William3rd]

SInce "success" is not just measured in a marriage ceremony, you have to look at 5 years of marriage to be "successful." So you are looking at probably 6 years to be married and all the work that it entails, to be considered to have had a successful marriage. I guess my parents were a success sine they made 35 years-after a 7 year courtship.

[FunIndieBloke]

I live in Europe, where 4 weeks off is the legal minimum, and it is much closer geographically.  However, I still wouldn't be booking plane tickets without a care, I do keep a shortlist, and narrow down those women whom I consider worth the trip.  However, since some of us do IT contracting work, there is no time off!  (But the pay is higher).  If she lives in a country that does not require a visa for Western passports (like Ukraine, and Moldova after 1 Jan 2007) it is even easier to visit on a short break.

[Son of Clyde]

My step-father proposed to my mother after maybe 3 dates. they were married 32 years (December 1971 - March 2003) until his death.

Marrying a foreign woman is different, but I think you can sense in 2 weeks whether you are compatible or not.

I would visit twice and if you have the same feelings on trip number two I would waste no more time. There is much paperwork and money involved so it is better not to delay once you know she is the one. You will have to prepare for her and that takes time also.

It took me 17 months from the first email until the month she arrived.

[Turboguy]

I can agree with you SOC but I think too it depends on how certain you are that she is "THE" one.   Often that is enough to know, sometimes it takes a long time.  Gator might be an example of that.  He wants to be sure and that is good.  Some are sure in a very short time.

I think if someone can, even if they have started to do the paperwork, it is better to keep visiting and getting to know each other.   I think time apart can erode the feelings for each other that are necessary and if someone has issues that the other does not know there is at least some chance they will come out before she sets foot here.