More from Ada

[smsmsmsm]

Hi

Thanks for allowing me to stay here. My name is Ada Cheng. I am currently teaching in sociology department at DePaul University in Chicago. I have been teaching there for about five years. You can check out the soc department website: http://condor.depaul.edu/~soc/. After you get to the site, click on faculty and Ada Cheng. You will see my website and get a sense of who I am. I describe myself quite intimately on my website in terms of what my interests and hobbies are. I teach a wide variety of courses, such as introduction to sociology, sociology of women, sociology of sexuality, and immigrant experiences, etc.

My first book is actually on Filipino women, Filipina domestics more specifically. I focus on Taiwan, which is where I am from. I have been interested in the issue of mail order brides for a long time. It was not until recently that I have time to take it up. I guess we all know the stereotypes about men who use mail order brides sites. Of course there is also debate about whether mail order brides is the right term and how it is different from or similar to the online dating. For me, I am interested in understanding the men more intimately. What kind of stories do you have to tell? What is the reason you decide in crosscultural correspondance marriages? What experiences have you had? What are the risks involved? I try not to have preconceived notion about people here. What I am interested in is sincere conversation with people here and learning your thoughts. 

I hope this gives you a better sense of who I am. Look forward to hearing from you.

Ada

[Bruce]

My advice to you Ada is to read this board.  You will find that the majority of men who marry RW on this board are higher educated, wealthier and more adventerous than the average guy.  Men range in their political views from conservative to liberal.  The population of men on this board tend to be skewed towards the cream of the crop, but my experience has shown me that about 50% of the guys pursuing a girl abroad are truly higher than all measurable averages.

You will also find that the men also found younger, prettier and just as intelligent women as they would have found here.  The men who married former FSU women have truly loving, healthy relationships with their wives.  Some divorce over time and others remain married.  You will also find that a good percentage of men did not use marriage agencies or other means to locate their wives but happened to meet in the FSU by happenstance. 

As you know, there is no mail order bride.  It is just a libelous term used by those who have an interest in not permitting citizens of our country to meet and marry foreigners. 

Enjoy learning a slice of the "MOB" men. 

[Bruno]

As you know, there is no mail order bride.  It is just a libelous term used by those who have an interest in not permitting citizens of our country to meet and marry foreigners. 

Ada, since you are from Taiwan, maybe you can use 大陸妹 ( dalu mei : little sisters from the mainland ) in place of "mail order bride"... from what i have read, it is the name given by the men of Taiwan seeking "mail order bride" in China... 

Before use some of my time for reply to your several questions, i have one for you... Is it your study only about American men or about any men in the world who date/marry Russian women ?

One bonus question : Are you married ? 

Ok, forget the last question... i was jooking !!!

[Kuna]

Hmmm.. I can see a clash of worlds coming here...

Ada,  I'd be happy to answer some of your questions but I'd suggest that most of the men here "misunderstand" feminism in the same way that most people "misunderstand" the men that marry abroad.

I'm not suggesting you're a feminist (Not that there would be anything wrong with that), but I did see some of the links in your faculty page. 

I think there are many different types of men that marry abroad, and for many different reasons. If anything I think you being on the boards will be good so you can see that there's "the good, the bad and the ugly" in all communities.

I'm new here so my opinions haven't been polluted by success or failure yet, but if your experiences here are anything like mine you'll be pleasantly surprised that the men here are (generally) intelligent, well intentioned, normal "blokes" who are motivated to act based on their own reasons.

I personally don't like the term MOB, because it infers there's a payment for love.  It's not prostitution,  but rather it's very similar to Internet dating at home.  The only difference is that it's much more costly (but no more risky) to meet and "discover" the person you've been communicating with because they're thousands of kilometres away.

I will say, I'm sceptical when it comes to Internet dating at home because I believe people misrepresent themselves.  I'm therefore also skeptical when it comes to "marrying abroad", but I have my own reasons for at least starting the journey.

All the best,

Kuna

[octopus]

Here is a book similar to what Ms. Cheng might write:

The Asian Mystique: Dragon Ladies, Geisha Girls, And Our Fantasies of the Exotic Orient by Sheridan Prasso (Paperback - May 1, 2006)

From Booklist
Prasso, who has lived in Phnom Penh and Hong Kong and written for Business Week, nearly turns the fascination of Western men with Asian sexuality into a subject of numbing correctness. Fortunately, though, her determination to explore "our relationships and interactions, our misconceptions and stereotypes" doesn't suck the life from her compelling topic--perhaps because she is not above taking readers into the girlie bars of Bangkok and Manila, the personals ("Red Hot Asians") of the Village Voice, the cinemas and TV screens of West and East, even the home of Mineko Iwasaki, who inspired Arthur Golden's best-selling Memoirs of a Geisha. Using this frame of reference effectively, Prasso explains the symbiotic nature of Western fantasy and Asian fulfillment--often to great profit--of that fantasy, the roles that Asian women play and defy in the West, even the dangerous implications of this still-active fantasy upon global politics. Especially interesting are her observations on the emasculated role of Asian men in Western media--picture, for instance, Jackie Chan even kissing a Western woman. Alan Moores
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

[Turboguy]

I have not had much time to think this out but I think you will find different classifications of people who get involved in this.   The group you will find here tend to be fairly intelligent and successful and have a pretty good understanding of the process.  

I think there is a second class of guys who are lured in by some of the fanciful advertising of the large agencies.   They also tend to be successful but not so well informed.   They tend to fish a little out of their league and may be more prone to divorces and being used by women who know more about the process than they do.  

The third class are what we call the armchair romantics who dabble in the MOB scene but never really follow through with their dreams.  They may tend to be a little less, as someone called it "cream of the crop".

[BillyB]

Welcome Ada,

With that Ph.D from the University of Texas, you should provide some additional stimulating discussion here. Hope you stay and participate. Soon enough you'll get a feel for the people here and all your questions will be answered. Start some topics with one question at a time, it's too much to ask people to answer all your questions in one post.

[Kuna]

I have not had much time to think this out but I think you will find different classifications of people who get involved in this.   The group you will find here tend to be fairly intelligent and successful and have a pretty good understanding of the process.   

I think there is a second class of guys who are lured in by some of the fanciful advertising of the large agencies.   They also tend to be successful but not so well informed.   They tend to fish a little out of their league and may be more prone to divorces and being used by women who know more about the process than they do.   

The third class are what we call the armchair romantics who dabble in the MOB scene but never really follow through with their dreams.  They may tend to be a little less, as someone called it "cream of the crop".

Strange comments Turbo...  but you did say you didn't have much time to think about it...   

May I comment?

I don't think anyone starts this process "fully informed".  This site, and others like it provide valuable information to newbies like me, IF WE'RE PREPARED TO LISTEN. Of course some have navigated the course without the benefit of a discussion board, but may have gained their education elsewhere (Friends, trial and error, etc).

I'll also say I don't believe there is a "perfect process". I think there's definitely red flags that we should be aware of.

If you wanted to group the men involved in this process I would have thought a successful relationship was more dependent on social and relationship skills rather than experienced/inexperienced participants.

I think there's probably a lot of "experienced" men that continue to fail in their search, or if the do successfully marry, they don't maintain a successful marriage.

I also know one couple that broke all the rules, but 12 years later they are married, with a child and are the happiest couple I know.

I might ask you to slap me after my trip in January but the more I read in here the less mystery there seems to be in the process.  Are we not just opening the geographical boundaries and but still dealing with similar challenges to those we have at home?  Unless you've lived under a rock you've probably dated women of other cultures at home and been exposed to a whole word of diversity. 

Does "understanding the culture and language" define the probability of a successful relationship, or might it be more closely related to high Emotional Intelligence, and well developed social and relationship skills?

Just my thoughts...

Kuna

[Turboguy]

My advice to you Ada is to read this board.  You will find that the majority of men who marry RW on this board are higher educated, wealthier and more adventurous than the average guy.  Men range in their political views from conservative to liberal.  The population of men on this board tend to be skewed towards the cream of the crop, but my experience has shown me that about 50% of the guys pursuing a girl abroad are truly higher than all measurable averages.

Kuna,  Bruce's comment here is what prompted my thought and post.  I think at RWD you see only a segment of the MOB scene.  I think Bruce's comments are probably about right for the guys I see on this forum.   Then I thought back to some of the big agency romance tours I have done and although most of the guys were successful I would say that 25% were what I would think of as cream of the crop.   I then thought back to the few arm chair romantics I had come across and for the most part, they were bottom of the barrel such as Larry who was the first person to ever show me a catalog of Russian women.  Larry had never held a job in his life, lived on welfare, lived in a house the health department should have condemned.  It did not even have running water.  He would always ask for the addresses I did not plan to use and spent all his free time writing RW.   I am sure some of the Newbies who attend a Romance tour go on to find RWD and learn more about the process.  I did that myself so I know it has to happen.  I see others such as my friend Joe who blindly goes back on AFA tour after tour to St. Petersburg continuing to look for an early 20's doctor who is an 8 or 9 the agency tells him he can find and continues to find scammer after scammer.  Joe could benefit a lot from RWD.

If you wanted to group the men involved in this process I would have thought a successful relationship was more dependent on social and relationship skills rather than experienced/inexperienced participants.

Does "understanding the culture and language" define the probability of a successful relationship, or might it be more closely related to high Emotional Intelligence, and well developed social and relationship skills?

Kuna

I will not disagree that social and relationship skills play a big part in success.  I think that is a major factor in any relationship.   I will agree understanding the language may not be important.  As far as the culture, that may be a bit more important.   I think one place where the informed such as those who spend a lot of time at RWD may have a big advantage is understanding the needs of an FSU woman.  I think those whose only experience is with a large agency social fall short is this part.  I think they may not fully realize the difficulties a RW faces in her move to a foreign land and be as prepaired to try to help.  I think they have the impression they are going to get a Stepford wife who will treat them like a king, be like AW in the 50's and devote all her energies to their happiness.  They have some surprises ahead and they may not be pleasant surprises.   This has little to do with the reason for my comment.

The reason for my comment was that without having much time to think about it, I felt there could be three fairly distinct groups of men involved with the MOB scene.   That here, Ada may only see one of those segments.  To fully analise the MOB scene it might be good to be aware there are others groups who are different.  Probably the armchair romantic group is not that important as they really never have an impact except to waste the time of women. 

After putting more thought into this I am not even sure I am correct or that it matters.  Just, my with my three big agency tours I did, the group did not seem to be cream of the crop as Bruce called it.  I saw a tow truck driver who saved $ 25.00 a week for 4 years to pay for his tour.  I saw a lot of guys who were not very skilled in social and relationship issues.  I saw a lot of people who were nice people but not exceptional.  I did see about 25 % who would be very good catches for the women.  With the small agency tour I did recently, most of the guys were like the people here, well above average.   

[Gator]

Kuna asked, Does "understanding the culture and language" define the probability of a successful relationship, or might it be more closely related to high Emotional Intelligence, and well developed social and relationship skills?

The answer: 
All.  Without the former, one could not achieve the latter (assuming "understanding the language" means "communication").