Financial Matters

[Erwin]

Greetings All,

I am not sure whether this issue has been previously discussed in this forum, but I thought it would be interesting to hear how money is being handled in your family.  Specifically, how are financial decisions being discussed and/or made in your family?

In my family, my wife is the boss of our union. She manages our money very frugally and carefully sometimes to the point that could drive me crazy.  Like a newly appointed CFO of a publicly traded company, she implemented cost cutting measures that, while they have helped us financially, have only afforded me less than $10.00 a week for lunch allowances.

Since my work is very stressfull, I used to spend $60 per month for a full body massage. She thought that this was a complete waste of money and provided me with this service for free.

I used to spend $35 per month for a hair cut. She scolded me over this and found a Jewish, Uzbekiztan, Russian barber in town who now cut my hair for $8.99.

I used to spend $75 per month for a facial per month. She issued an executive presidential order prohibiting me from committing this sin and performs a facial on me for free.

She audits our bank accounts, credit card statements and other expenses regularly and questioned everything.  We make financial decision jointly.

How much money would you and your wife spend on buying Christmas' presents/gifts for your wife's parents, families and/or relatives vs. for your own parents, families and/or relatives?

She dragged me out of bed a 4:30 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving and bought all of these presents at door buster sales prices, but she was gravely troubled to spend more than $100.00 to send them to Russia.

How much money do you send to her parents?  What factors do you consider as a family to decide how much money you need to send to her parents?

Best,

E

[Mir]

Nice post Erwin.Thoroughly enjoyed it.

[ScottinCrimea]

Russians in general see Americans as being very careless with their money and not really understanding its value.  After living here, I understand this completely.  Whatever is in short supply is always valued more.  I look back now at the money I used to throw away on frivolous things that I thought were necessities and can only shake my head in shame.  I think your wife is pointing this out to you.
     I found a very interesting attitude toward money with my wife when I first met her that I think is common with those who have experienced what these people have gone through, but certainly not universal.  She had seen how the money you had today could be taken from you tomorrow, first when she was a child and her relatively wealthy parents had all of their accounts taken by the government, and then when she worked her behind off to save money for her own apartment only to lose everything when the bank went under.  If she had money, she would spend it.  Not for frivolous things, but still in a way that showed no trust in the future.  She would go through times when she would live in relative comfort and then times when she barely had enough to keep food on the table.  She took care of today and let the future take care if itself.  I have had to be the one to be in charge of the finances in our family.  I'm seeing that there are others with wives who are quite different and I can only think that their experiences were different.  But based on the examples, I think it's safe to say it's better to handle things financially until you know which way your FSU wife leans.

[Erwin]

Thank you, Scott.

Helllooooooooooo, anyone else thereeeee??????

E

[Bruce]

I get what I want when I want and give her money when she asks, which is 90% for the baby (food and clothes), some occassional clothes, class tuition and books and an occassional haircut.  Granite countertops in the kitchen (she would have been happy with new formica), new laundry, new dishwasher, new bathroom tiles, new windows, new boiler, new curtains, some new appliances were the major expenses over time, but much was for the baby's comfort.  I am more seriously thinking about a new car (always am - rarely act!) and she does not care if I get it or not, and is in fact talking me out of it.  We rarely eat out and it is only on my impetus, which does save dollars.  I never gave her parents a cent, though when I go to Russia and stay with them I give $200 for my families food over a two week period.  I just payed for their (MIL /FIL) tickets to visit us.  IT works for us.  I also get my wife a babysiter / cleaner two days per week to help out.  It works for us, though I do save less then I would like. 

[ScottinCrimea]

< I get what I want when I want and give her money when she asks >

I don't know, Bruce, something about this quote bothers me.  I know some men get a feeling of control by having their wife ask them everytime they need money.  Wouldn't it be better to give her her own account and alot a certain amount each month?  You also might save more if you do the same for yourself rather than getting "what I want when I want".  As far as the in-laws, would you be willing to sit by and see your own parents living in the conditions that your wife's parents live in and not try to help them out?  You're talking about granite countertops and new cars and for most in the FSU they're talking about whether or not they can afford a little meat this week.  You would be amazed at how much difference even $100 a month would make for them.  They gave you a great wife, maybe more of a show of gratitude would be nice.

[swindoom]

Wouldn't it be better to give her her own account and alot a certain amount each month? 

Surely when you get married it should be joint accounts since it is meant to be a life long commitment, unless there is some baggage from previous relationships or not being sure about the "life long commitment" part.

[Bruce]

My wife has her own charge card, which she rarely uses.  We have a joint checking / savings account but she would prefer if I always keep track of money and dole it out to her.  It works well for both of us.  Parents do not want dollars from us.  They are content in Russia working hard etc.  They own two apartments and really have everything we have in the USA, though perhaps not everything they have is the quality we have, though in some ways they are better off  . 

[ScottinCrimea]

Thanks, Bruce, that clarifies some things for me.  Nice to have the whole picture. No offense intended, just some of the ways you stated things hit a few of my buttons.  Glad it works for you.

[Son of Clyde]

This is a rather touchy subject.
Scott, I don't agree at all that they know the value of money.
Many have a preconceived notion that Americans are all rich and that money grows on trees. I am happy to say my wife has learned the value of money in both countries.

[ScottinCrimea]

Having lived here for a couple of years, I think I have  pretty decent perspective.  Maybe it is better said that they place a different value on money.  As far as their concept of Americans, what they see is Americans coming to visit and throwing money around.  They watch American movies and television shows where everyone is beautiful and rich.
     I think your wife has adopted your concept of the value of money, which is a good thing for you.  If she had retained her old ideas and treated money like she had done before, it would have been very uncomfortable for both of you.  Her list of "necessities" has grown to match yours.

[GregfromGa]

I absolutely insist on my wife sending her sister money. My mother-in-law is able to come here now and she usually stays 3 months in which she helps my wife in her shop. The money she makes in 3 months is more than she would make in 3 years there as a school teacher in her village. I would never try to keep my wife from helping her family although they would never ask for anything.

[ScottinCrimea]

It's like my MIL.  She would never ask for help with money.  But she has a business renting out costumes and party dresses.  Her biggest time of the year is December through January.  My wife is an incredible seamstress.  She can design and sew a formal party dress in 1-2 days.  So she spends all of December sewing costumes and dresses for her mother. This year for Halloween I was in the US so I was able to pick up a lot of costumes at quite a discount after halloween and send them to her.  In these ways we help her out without actually giving her cash.

[Jet]

In these ways we help her out without actually giving her cash.

We do quite a bit of this as well. Not really anything monumental but grandmother has recently (last year) found out she's diabetic, so we ship a big box of sugarfree cookies, chocolates, & splenda packets every 3 months or so. She wouldn't use cash even if we sent it so it's our way of spreading the wealth around just a little. Usually the shipping runs 3 times the cost of the contents but there really isn't any other way for her to get the selection and quality otherwise. For papa we send some herbal supplements twice a year and help him cover the cost of the "good" perscription heart medications he needs, in return, he looks after our property so it's more of a payment for services rendered, rather than "charity" which he can live with (he'd never accept charity from us   ).

[Erwin]

We rarely eat out ..., which does save dollars.  

Bruce,

It is funny that you just said...We received many invitations to breaksfast, lunch or dinner from close friends and families, most of which involved eating out in nice restaurants. Few months ago, my wife declared that she no longer wish to eat out as often as we have done; specifically, she has no wish to eat out at the buffet style restaurant.

"Why?" I asked her....and she said,"I don't want to get fat....like that woman there.....that woman over here......see that woman over there....she must have eaten at this restaurant every day and gorged herself every time she eats...looks like she is 15 months pregnant...Here, in America, we drive everywhere...we seldom walk...and I don't want my but to grow like that woman over there....in Russia, I walked everywhere...so I have no problem..but now I think we should go to the gym at least three times a week.."

I say,"No problemo, honey,...whatever you want....  :kissing:

Best,

E

[Erwin]

..my wife ...family ..would never ask for anything.

Neither would my wife's parents/families; they would never want to accept money from us.

While we visited her parents in Russia, we presented her parents with nice gifts.  Before returning to the States, we wanted to give them some money, but her mother told my wife that they can still work and make money. My wife explained to me that they are very proud people... So, we ended up hiding the money under the mattress before we left, and she told her mother about it after we returned to the States.  Her mother could not believe what we did...

E

[tm33398]

Hello all,
I handles the money, because my wife trusted me to do it, being that she had not an account in Russia. But my experience with her and how she is able to self-discipline and tell herself no to things, makes me think she has had experience in this way. We did shop for things we needed for our house thanksgiving and day after, at reduced prices. But my wife generally trusts me with our money. I knowing the system here and us trying to get started as a couple have been a reason for her tolerance of our situation. But something about russian women living for some time in russia during early 90's and banking crisis of 1998, have taught them to endure tough circumstances, but allin all they know its better here, just some miss their families sometimes, thats all. But they are very greaT LADIES AND LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS, if they are treated right!

[Erwin]

... they are very greaT LADIES AND LOVE THEIR HUSBANDS, if they are treated right!

tm,

I couldn't agree with you more!  I feel very lucky to have found and married my wife .  A woman who truly loves you will treat you very well in all respects.  This is just my experience, which sometimes make me wonder why and how some guys will have to go through the K-1 process more than once...

Best,

E   

[Voyageur]

Erwin,

As someone who has filed two K1 applications, I can say that I was so very lucky to have the first one fail  .  All the warning signs were flashing bright red. I used to post some of the my problems with that woman on another forum and was given some strong advise.  Thankfully, I listened to it and the "little voice" inside and it was ended - as painlessly as possible. But I still regret that it ever got as far as it did. I was too blind or stupid to realize it. I am just thankful that it had no long-term effects on either party.

However I am so grateful for my second and last  K1 chance.  Tm33398 is correct in all that he has said. But It is possible to make one mistake.

[Turboguy]

I think I can relate to what Voyager said.  Usually when that first K-1 fails we are pretty disappointed.  It often works out to be the best thing that could have happened.

Anyone can make a mistake.   The secret is to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them.   I don't think it is hard to fail at a K-1  I believe it happens about 30% of the time and those are just the ones who go back in less than 90 days.  I am sure some percentage of the ones who don't go back are even a bigger mistake. 

I think they guys who had a successful one right off the bat and a happy marriage had a little bit of luck on their side.

[Bruce]

Turbo, last I remember, but this is going back a while and I could be wrong, but the rate of those RW going back within 90 days is closer to 60%.  Calling Bruno to dig up the latest statistics on this fact................................

[Turboguy]

Bruno!!!!  Bruno!!!!  Bruno!!   Where are you Bruno.  We need your help.

[Son of Clyde]

If I can say anything on my behalf I have always been told I have a lot of determination. I made my decision to do everything in my power to make the marriage work. Every marriage has ups and downs and you need to learn to adjust to the good and the bad. In some cases you must gracefully admit defeat and send the lady home. It is not done easily because of the effort that was taken to bring her here. I know it is very heartwrenching to learn that the lady is not happy here even when you have done your best to try to make her happy. In these cases it is her loss or lack of maturity.

[Bruce]

Turbo, from this one site I could find it looks like you are probably much closer to the correct numbers then I remember.  Here are some links with statistics, but I do not know how credible they really are because I do not know what sort of numbers this lawyer has, though it seems most of his clients are off of tours:

http://www.fianceevisas.com/foreign-fiancee.html

[William3rd]

European Connections used to have a posting on their site that spoke to a marriage rate of about 50% on any given fiancee visa and they were working in the industry.

The H&L statement of 75% marriage is also possible and that is about the level that my clients-mostly form tours- married at. In part, the high marriage rate was because the man didnt want to fail even though he knew that there were early problems in the relationship.

I sent my 2000 russian fiancee home within 90 days being mindful of my clients' experiences.

Where the differences are is in the definition of success. . . .

Notice-H&L speaks to a low divorce rate "to [their] knowledge." The tour clients-based on input from my clients over the years- have a very low success rate.