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Author Topic: Your kids? Her Kids?  (Read 2107 times)

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Offline I/O

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Your kids? Her Kids?
« on: January 05, 2007, 02:04:56 PM »
Not sure if this is the correct place to start this and if it should be moved to another section, please do.

She has kids?  You have Kids?  You both have kids? Maybe there is a big age difference and your kids are as close or closer to her age than you are?  You become an instant father for the first time?  She becomes an instant mother for the first time?  Maybe there is an instant attraction between her daughter and your son?

There is a million possible variables here and I have no doubt it has been debated before.  I'm not looking for a debate as such, but I am intersted to here what those who are planning or are in the process of being involved in a relationship that includes one or the other or more of at least the above. What do you expect?  How at this stage do you think you might handle it?  I would be also interested to hear from those who have experience, but don't forget you may have forgotten a little of how you imagined it to be before you started.

Gates open, megaphones on mute. ;D Anyone like to take a shot at this. ???

I/O

Offline Jumper

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Re: Your kids? Her Kids?
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2007, 09:33:20 PM »
I/O

this seems a grenade noone wants to jump on.. lol
but i'll give it a go?

  My wife (no children), when we married and she then relocated here,  became instant full time "mom" to my
*then* 7 yo boy.
he was 5 when i first met her,, he is 11 now.

but i'm not sure exactly what  you are looking for,or asking for ?

it seems you're looking for info more *during the process*?
 and what guys or the RW were/or are  thinking..?

was it a big concern of mine in whom i dated,
 or when i took a relationship to a more seriuos level..
absolutely!!!!!!!

for my wife it was a big concern as well..
knowing popping into full time mom position wouldnt be a cakewalk,
and understanding complewtely thay i came as a package deal.

anyway  she had always shown big interest in  my son from very early on,, long before we were truly seriuos..
and always asked about him,, photos of him,
called specifically to speak to him at times,  etc..

At the very young age he was at initially ,, and the fact he couldnt properly remember  his biologiocal mother ,
(passed away when he was 1 )
I knew he would adore,and  bond to any motherly figure quickly. 
and i couldnt have beared to watch him lose another such person in his life.
I felt i had to be very sure of the person and our level of commitment to each other,..not only for the marriages  sake,
but for the impact any "breakup" or loss of someone new in his life,,and our family..  would leave on him as well..

 It was a huge factor in my decision on wether to be seriuos with someone or not.

If he had been a bit older, i would not have dwealt on it as much,.. but it would still be a concern

For her part, she'd need to post. .
all the feelings ,difficulties ,uncertainties and joys?
but she has been a truly wonderful mother to him..
dolting,  caring and thoughtful , yet stern when its needed..
stepping into that role can't be easy!
and it hasnt been.
But i admire her courage and mothrerly instincts, and how quickly
they bonded and we were a *family* almost instantly..
the transition was far quicker and snmoother than i could have ever expected.
 To be completely fair,   my boy should get as much credit as
anyone in the family for this , as his good nature,caring personality ,  maturity, and patience far beyond his years were a tremendous influence . I already knew he would handle the transition well, but couldnt be more proud of him.

 


.

Offline I/O

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Re: Your kids? Her Kids?
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2007, 04:18:43 PM »
AJ Grenade or hot potato....!!  Either way it is a touchy subject and thanks for your comments.  I guess another author made some comments about some precipitating effects which may occur and it rekindled my interest in this subject.  I explored this on another forum about 12 months ago and found a lot of "Feel Good" nonsense and no real practical advice.

AJ, my situation is almost exactly the reverse of yours.  I would say that I am far from blind, but to suggest that I know anything about what I am in for is stretching the truth slightly.  We have spent a few weeks together as a family so to say which has given me a little insight.  It also showed me much about my fiance' in a motherly role which in turn showed me much about her character.  All positive I might add. (In my opinion)

The situation for me, although I would not have planned it specifically this way is entirely suitable to both of us in so far as I would like to have a child of my own, however with the best laid plans of mice and men that can or may go wrong.  At my age and stage, we effectively have one and if we have another between us later it will complete the picture.  If not I shant be too disappointed and she feels exactly the same way.

I happen to have a very good example to watch locally in so far as my closest friend married a girl with a child and they now have 2 more between them.  The interesting thing is that my friend remarks that in a strange way he has an almost closer relationship with her son than with their children.  Probably much to do with how the mother handled it early on. 

I would be happy to receive any sobering advice from anyone who has been through it.  We are all great theorists when it comes to children, but some practical clues for what one is actually in for would surely be helpful to more than just me. 

Tough subject, but one that is very relevant to the pursuit of a Russian woman for many people..............

I/O

Offline Vaughn

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Re: Your kids? Her Kids?
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2007, 04:55:11 PM »
I/O,

  OK - per your request, no feel-good feedback, these are the
downsides as we experienced them. Backround: December 2002.
Me: two daughters, 12 and 16, living with their Mom but staying with me every other weekend. She: one daughter, 14. I naively
assumed a pleasant and natural mix when MY two came over.
Bedroom allocation was an immediate problem. My girls each had their own bedroom since infancy, neither was too ready to volunteer a double-up with the skinny accented one. Since Lenara
was here on a daily basis, I chose Mackenzie's bedroom to be taken over by Lenara, and Mackenzie to share space with her sister when they appeared for visitation. Blunder. The girls even further resented Lenara's presence. There was jealousy, hurt feelings, and
icy stares amid a freak ice storm that knocked out all power and forced the five of us to sleep together on a convertible sofa aside a roaring fireplace. It was hell, and my wife considered a quick return to the FSU all week before things settled down.

Over four years later, they still dress differently, they eat differently, they date differently. They do not compete in the family dynamic; rather, they've learned to ignore and accept one another. Girls are individuals, yes, but my stepdaughter's foreignness is so obvious. There is a loose bond between my wife and my two daughters: unspoken respect exists but it's all too apparent that these are not close loving relationships. They save that part for me pretty exclusively.

Despite all this, we have a functional situation here - but I promised to omit all the "good stuff". For a man contemplating mixing kids, I
offer encouragement but with caution. If your parenting skills are weak or non-existent, the added challenge can be overwhelming.
My wife and I are in total accord on this subject; therefore, it was a no-brainer for us to practice birth control. We anticipate the childless cruise to Tahiti in a few years without ulcers.

Offline I/O

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Re: Your kids? Her Kids?
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2007, 05:17:17 PM »
If your parenting skills are weak or non-existent,

 ::) ::) Yet to be tested under any real pressure. ::) ::)


I/O

 

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