Trip Report, Moscow to NYC: Bringin' my angel home

[groovlstk]

Moscow, Dec. 16-20

I've wanted to write a TR about my few days in Moscow with my fiancee and our return to the US together while it was still fresh in my mind. I'm sure some of the trials we've faced in our first few weeks of life together are old hat to the married guys, but I hope some of the new people can pick up something useful. Anyway, here it goes...

While we waited for approval of our K1, Polina insisted that I fly to Moscow and that we return to the US together after she had her visa. She reasoned that leaving her family, friends, job, language, way of life, and country would be the most difficult thing she ever attempted, and she wanted me there for support. So there I was on the JFK-SVO nonstop on December 15, feeling a bit strange knowing that I'd left my previous life behind me. The night before, I'd gone out with some of my friends and and celebrated like I was back in college, we hit several bars and finished by making a White Castle run. As I showered and headed to bed, I realized this was the last hurrah. When I returned home, it would be with my fiancee, and my life would be very different. Was I ready for such a change? I thought so, but I must admit the last few weeks I'd woken often in the wee hours of the morning with terror lodged in my soul. I wasn't afraid for myself, it's not so easy to explain - what scared me was that I was uprooting this wonderful woman from the only life she'd ever known, a life she enjoyed surrounded by family and friends, the comforts of a rewarding and challenging profession in one of the world's most beautiful cities - did I have the courage, patience, and compassion to make it work? I knew and know for a fact we loved each other dearly, and whenever I felt any worry I'd clutch this knowledge and hold it like a cross meant to ward off vampires.

My flight to Moscow was noneventful, but I had to laugh when the flight attendant announced over the PA that it was strictly forbidden to drink any alcohol bought in duty-free shops during our flight. Over the course of many transatlantic flights, I have NEVER heard such an announcement, and immediately I knew it was probably exclusive to JFK-SVO flights, as I've witnessed Russian passengers breaking out vodka and whiskey numerous times before on Russian/Ukrainian domestic flights.

I'm now a big fan of nonstop flights to Russia; at 8 hours and 15 minutes, it seemed like a breeze compared to my normal itineraries, where I usually had an hour layover in Frankfurt or Warsaw. In the past I thought a layover was fine, it allowed me to stretch my legs, clean up in the washroom, buy last-minute gifts, etc., but not anymore. A few extra hours might not seem like much given the long flight, but I arrived feeling much fresher than ever before.

Polina was waiting for me outside baggage claims and gave me a big bear hug. I told her this was the last time we'd be away from each other for so long, no more 2AM phone calls and long waits, no more living separate lives. We took a taxi to her home (only 300 rubles as she lives within 10 minutes of SVO) and I met her grandmother from SPB, who was staying at her place until mid-January, and I met her dad, a very heavy drinker who'd kicked the habit only a month earlier.

Polina had had her K1 visa interview at the US Embassy three days earlier, and we were both relieved when DHL phoned the morning of the 15th to tell her they had her package.

We had tickets to fly to the US on the 20th, so we had four+ days on the ground. Even with four days, our time in Moscow was a blur, we were constantly running from place to place as Polina tied up all her loose ends. We visited friends and family, registered my visa, shopped for last-minute stuff, bought extra luggage, walked Chuck. A few nights it snowed, nothing really heavy, just enough to put a perfect romantic spin on our travels throughout the city.

One thing I have come to learn about Moscow is that it's a huge city. Much bigger and less accessible than NYC. Many times we took the metro, changed lines a few times, then took a marshrutka to a bus stop and rode a bus to our final destination. So even a simple visit to DHL or a trip to visit friends took us the better part of a day.

Fast forward to our last day in Moscow. Polina's grandmother fixed us an elaborate dinner, we finished packing our bags, everything was ready. We set the alarm for 5AM (our flight was 9AM), went to bed very late, and that was that.

The next morning, after Polina said her goodbyes to dad, grandma, and her insane dog Chuck, we took a taxi to SVO, and for all intent and purpose our relationship changed, just as we knew it had to. I no longer had to follow her to a metro station or rely on her to choose the right bus or marshrutka. From herein it was my responsibility to take care of her. I was nervous as hell as we approached passport control. Sure, she had her visa and all her necessary papers, but I knew that each checkpoint from here in was a potential snag. I breathed a sigh of relief when the agent stamped Polina's passport and she passed beyond the gate, turning to smile at me while waiting for me to be processed. Our itinerary would take us from Moscow to Prague, and after a three-hour layover, to JFK. After we boarded the plane and found our seats, Polina buried her face in my shoulder but otherwise was content and excited. I knew this was going to be difficult for her - several times over the last few days she'd go into a funk and worry about everything. I'd always assure her that it was perfectly natural, that if she wasn't worried then something was wrong.

She slept most of the 2-hour flight to Prague, and when we arrived she was animated and hungry. We found a cafe and ordered beer and breakfast, toasting the beautiful new day and the first leg of our journey to a new life together. Later, as we approached our gate, I stopped in a duty-free shop, planning to pick up a small bottle of Johnny Blue for my dad. But I wasn't sure if I'd be allowed to carry it past gate security, so I passed. It was just as well, as I soon learned it would have been confiscated. Once again we made it through the various checkpoints, this time at the transit desk where we picked up our boarding passes and finally through security. Our 10-hour flight was quiet and again Polina slept most of the way. I slept too, but fitfully. As we approached JFK, we peered out the window, hoping to get a glimpse of Manhattan, but it was too cloudy. We filled out the paperwork handed to us by the flight attendants, held hands and waited for the plane to land. Soon we were on the ground, at the gate, and the final checkpoint was only minutes away.

[Todd]

Mark,

This was a great posting.  You really captured some of my thoughts in the days leading up to when Kate arrived.   My primary concern was about her having to leave her home and country to be with me.  It is a huge responsibility and very different than just being responsible for one's self.

I wish you two the best of luck.

Todd

[viking]

Mark

That was beautiful. I simply cannot imagine this. The feelings you expressed were insightful, truthful, and deep. Somehow, in the last few weeks, you know all this gut wrenching you both went through, was for the best. I wish both of you happiness.

Greg
 

[Kuna]

Groov,

*sigh*... This is so well written.  The small details you describe really express the feelings you were both going through.  I hope you'll be able to post some more because I'll definitely be watching this thread.

Kuna

[groovlstk]

Thanks, guys!

Todd, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who feared such a big responsibility. Of course I never let on for one moment to Polina that I had any such worries...

[catzenmouse]

groov,

 Very well said! You captured the craziness that we've all had in our heads during this time. When we are in the midst of the visa process we are so focused on getting everything right and dotting all the i's, crossing the t's etc. that we often don't have a chance to reflect on what is to come. It is not until after the visa is approved that we have a chance to refocus our minds on the future and the realities that are coming. If you didn't go through all this (and the ladies do it too, like how Polina was a bit manic the last few days in Russia) you just wouldn't be normal. Okay, as normal as we can get being those crazy guys who wanted it all and went across the globe to find it. 

Ken

[groovlstk]

Thanks Ken, you really hit the nail on the head... while we were waiting for our NAO2, we made half-hearted plans and speculated about the future, all in a sort of dreamy way since it seemed so far off. Once we were approved, we had exactly one day of euphoria... then immediately the stressful details emerged (when should she give notice to her employer? Should we wait until after the new year for her to come to the US? Should we take a chance and buy return tickets to the US before her embassy interview? How much vacation time could I take when she arrived? Who would walk her crazy dog, Chuck? Would her father be OK on his own?, etc.).

Ultimately everything worked out really well. I am venting a bit here about how stressful things were for me, but my stress was just a drop in the bucket compared to hers.

[groovlstk]

Day 1, arrival in the US

The following details might be a bit boring, I've tried to reconstruct our experiences going through customs as thoroughly as possible, as I know this is often a source of worry for couples who have to endure the immigration gauntlet!

After disembarking the plane, we approached passport control and the attendant instructed us to get in line with the other non-US citizens after I told him my fiancee was a new immigrant. I was pleased to see the lines were not long, there were maybe 10 people in line ahead of us, not even enough to keep the waiting consular officers busy. However, no one moved for 15 minutes, and soon one of the attendants announced that there was a computer problem and all kiosks were offline. He asked everyone to be patient while the consular officers rebooted. After another 20 minutes, the line began moving. We were directed to a male officer, mid-40s, who unsealed Polina's documents, looked up at her, and asked "do you have a sister who's single?" I laughed but Polina didn't realize he was joking and told him "yes, but she's married." After a few minutes, the officer told us we were missing a document that should have been given to us on the plane. He told us to run back to the gate and find a Delta flight attendant, fill out the paper, and then return to him. I wanted Polina to remain there until I returned, but she refused to let me out of her sight. So exasperated, we hurried back along the corridors towards our arrival gate, all the while I knew it had been at least 40 minutes since the plane arrived and I didn't think we'd have much luck finding a flight attendant. I was correct. We hurried back to passport control and found another agent who thankfully gave us the proper paper, which we completed in a few minutes, then returned to our consular officer. He took most of our docs, attached a paper to Polina's passport, and directed us to another booth at the end of the hallway, after processing me. We arrived at the new booth, gave our remaining docs and Polina's passport, then were told to be seated. There were a bunch of pissed-off looking Arab flight attendants and pilots from an Air Egypt flight ahead of us, there was some problem with their visas and so again we waited about 30 minutes before being called to the consular officer's kiosk. He stamped Polina's I-94 and sent us on our way without so much as a word.

"And now what?" Polina asked me.

"Now we get our luggage and go home," I told her. She was surprised, thinking there were more hoops for us to jump through. I was giddy with relief, the last-minute glitch had unnerved me but now we were home free. It took some time to locate the luggage carousel where our bags were supposed to be, as it had been so long since our flight arrived that a new arrival was now using the same carousel. We searched up and down for our bags with no luck and spoke to a few clueless attendants who directed us to the lost luggage desk. I couldn't believe they'd lost our bags! We had a three-hour layover in Prague, there was plenty of time for our bags to be unloaded and bought to the correct plane; then I remembered our SVO-Prague flight was operated by Aeroflot, so all bets were off.

As I filled out paperwork at the lost luggage desk, I could see that Polina was frantic with worry. She immediately thought our bags were stolen, and if not stolen she was convinced they were lost forever. "You told me American workers were more efficient," she barked, accusingly. I tried to buck her up, but she had her most important documents in her luggage (her original diplomas, birth certificate, etc.) and I could see she was distraught.

As we exited baggage claims, a young female security guard asked to see our customs declaration forms. I'd written that Polina's stuff was worth about $1000, as she had three bags loaded with clothes and the tools of her profession as an interior designer. A few other male guards were lounging around the female officer's station (surprise surprise). She asked me where the stuff we'd declared was; I explained to her that they lost all our bags. She replied, "can't uh... Ms. G (Polina) speak for herself?" Polina didn't understand what was going on, so I simply replied, "yes." The female officer looked at Polina and said, a bit contemptuously, "can you speak English?" Polina innocently responded, "yes," and smiled. The officer shrugged and laughed and handed her back her customs declaration form. I think if Polina hadn't responded she was planning to have a little fun at our expense in order to impress her male hangers-on. I wanted to ask her if she was this demeaning to all immigrants, or did she reserve her bile for girls who were about ten times more beautiful and intelligent than she was? But given all that had happened in the last 90 minutes, all I wanted was to exit the airport and get us home.

My dad and youngest nephew met us at the airport, saving us a $100 cab ride. After introductions, I told them that our luggage was gone. My dad, showing typical NYC cynical humor, instantly joked, "probably your bags were stolen or are on their way to China." I could see Polina stiffen at this, and I made a face at my dad that said, more or less, "shut up, man!"

The long ride home was made worse by rush-hour traffic, and it was dark so Polina didn't see much of the squalor and pollution that surrounds JFK in Queens. Many residences were lit up with Christmas lights, which really impressed her.

We arrived at our home, bid goodbye to my dad and nephew, and soon we were inside. With no bags except my carry-on backpack and Polina's purse, there wasn't a whole lot of unpacking to do. After admonishing me to remove my shoes after I traipsed to the thermostat to turn on the heat, we took a quick tour of our new home. Polina loved it, and pointed out things she wanted to change or improve. Her mood had improved after I told her we'd phone the lost luggage desk first thing in the AM for updates.

We were both famished so after freshening up we went to an Italian cafe around the corner from our flat. It was about 9PM now, and despite having slept on the flight we were both completely wiped. In Prague, Polina had commented that she was sad because she couldn't understand anyone, and that from here on she would always have trouble understanding people until she was fluent in English. I pointed out that I couldn't understand a word either, as the people around us all spoke Czech, and she laughed. In the restaurant, we noticed the couple dining next to us were speaking Russian. I gave Polina a "I told you so" smile, and she nodded her head approvingly. We had a nice dinner and a few beers, but instead of relaxing she became more agitated as she speculated again and again about our luggage. Afterwards we walked a few blocks to the waterfront to look at the beautiful Manhattan skyline. But she was too wound up to appreciate the view. My plans for a romantic first evening together disappeared and I went into damage control mode. As we walked back to our flat, she said "I wish I was back home in Moscow." I was sad but I knew it was her stress talking. She then remarked that it seemed as if I had changed. "I knew this would happen," she despaired. "I knew you would be a different man here than you were in Russia!" At this point I knew I had to get her to bed, I'd never seen this cool, collected woman so frazzled as she was now, I knew she needed a good night's rest. Moments later we arrived home and immediately crashed. Polina wound herself around me so tight I could barely breath. As we drifted off to sleep a few moments later, I figured this was about the crappiest beginning imagineable, short of her being deported or refusing to disembark the airplane! But I knew tomorrow was a new day and all I had to do was weather the storm and continue to reassure her until our luggage was returned.

[catzenmouse]

I am venting a bit here about how stressful things were for me, but my stress was just a drop in the bucket compared to hers.

Truer words were never spoken.

This is something to keep in the front of your mind for those of you not yet at this stage. A lot of guys say "I've done this or that for her yada yada" and complain that she's not embracing this "wonderful" new life. Guys, this is very serious. You are essentially ripping someone out of the life they have known since birth and putting them into an alien culture, alien language, and with alien people. All familiarity is gone in a flash. Do not underestimate the devastation that it can cause.

Sorry to taking this excellent topic off track.

Ken

[vwrw]

Groov,
It was so much interesting that I almost did not breathe when I was reading your story. So as you and Polina love each other I believe there must be the happy end in this story!!!
I look forward your next posts and wedding photos.
I am sure your father simply wanted to be nice and somehow later Polina will have a lot of fun with his humor. But please explain him now it is not good time for such cynical jokes. She can be very easily vulnerable now as she never was before.
All the best to both of you.

[groovlstk]

Ken, your post is perfectly on topic, keep em coming.

I also seem to recall a number of posters in foundering marriages who had the same chip on their shoulders: "I bought her a car, we live in a home much larger and more comfy than her parents' flat, I buy her lots of gifts, yet where is the gratitude?"

Polina never hesitates to thank me for even the slightest courtesy, such as flipping the switch on our water warmer before I leave for work so that she can have tea as soon as she awakens. Yet I never have and never will expect her to thank me for bringing her to the promised land - if anything, she probably has (and will have for some time) lingering resentment for me for taking her away from so much of what she holds dear in this world.

VRFW,

You're correct, my dad was simply making light of a difficult situation, but as we all know humor is not something that translates easily...

[KenC]

Groov,
Really enjoying this report and it is bringing back a flood of memories.  I only realised after the fact how ballsy Lena was to jump on a plane (for the first time) by herself and jet over to America by herself!

You bring up a good point about how once the visa is issued, it all becomes real.  Before that point, there is a kind of a dream like quality to the whole thing.  Maybe it will happen and maybe it is just a fantasy. When your gal has a visa in hand, she has to cross the bridge of just wanting to come.  Most guys don't understand that that is a critical point in her decision process.  Especially with the Russian way of not counting on good things happening in the future.

I also find it ironic that even with all Polina's fears and doubts, she still kind of laid claim to the house immediately by starting to correct your behavior with the shoes thing.    I am sure your further report will show that some of her doubts have already subsided.  Others will take time.  Much more time.  Best to you and Polina.
KenC

[groovlstk]

Thanks Ken,

You're absolutely right and I'm not surprised to hear that a good % of K1s are cancelled before the benefactor even arrives in the US. We were expecting to get our approval in 2-3 months, and were shocked when it happened in 3 weeks. We still joke about how that first day, when I received the NAO2, was full of euphoria and cheer as we realized we'd be together in our new home in time for the New Year; and how the next day was full of anxiety and long discussions that bordered on arguments.

And yes, she made claims to our home very quickly... it's 3 weeks since her arrival and the place looks completely different!

[groovlstk]

Day 2

What a difference a good night's sleep makes! No matter that we both awoke around 4AM and were up and about at 5AM, thanks to jetlag. I always hate waking up really early on my days off, it's sort of like waking up sick as a kid on a snowday - what's the value of a day off if you can't sleep in some?

The first thing I did was to phone JFK's lost luggage desk, but no one was answering so I decided to phone Czech Airlines, our carrier. After getting passed around a bit, a clerk told me that our bags had never left Prague but that they were scheduled to be on the same flight we'd taken the previous day and would be at JFK by 4PM. We could expect a phone call that evening to arrange delivery. When I explained this to Polina, she visibly relaxed, although I knew she would continue to worry until we had possession of our bags.

We showered and had breakfast. I introduced Polina to orange marmalade on white bread, and it was love at first bite. Since then she's gone through three jars and on our last trip to the supermarket I bought the jumbo size. We planned to visit Manhattan but I wanted to wait until 9:30AM or so to avoid the rush hour crush.

Polina phoned her mom, dad, grandmother, and sister. I could understand a few phrases, one of which she repeated again and again, about how surprised she was while we waited in line at JFK immigration at the number of foreign people entering New York City. She was afraid that as a foreigner she'd stick out like a sore thumb, and she was pleased to see that unless a person is nude, yodelling at the top of their lungs, or giving away $10 bills, it's not easy to stand out from the crowd here.

When we left our home the weather was cloudy and 45ish. Polina's mood was upbeat and happy, gone were yesterday's heebie-jeebies. She marvelled at how clean and neat our neighborhood was, admiring the many women leisurely pushing strollers, the cafes busily preparing for the lunchtime blitz from nearby businesses, and the beautiful views of the Statue of Liberty and Manhattan skyline. We took the PATH train to the World Trade Center site, Polina was amazed to see the new video advertisements that adorn the subway tunnel walls and seamlessly follow the train as it speeds along. There was the usual tourist crush at Ground Zero so I took her to one of the World Financial Center buildings that ring the site, from where there is a perfect view of the pit. We then walked to Wall Street and I showed her the NY Stock Exchange building and then to nearby Trinity Church, one of the oldest churches in the US. We crossed to the other side of Manhattan to see the South St. Seaport and get a glimpse of the Brooklyn Bridge. By now Polina was hungry again and, knowing she loved sushi, I led her to a nearby Japanese restaurant I used to frequent when I worked in the area before 9/11. So far she loved everything about America except for our baggage handlers (and I pointed out that the culprits who failed to secure our bags were probably either Russian or Czech). The only point of frustration for her was that everyone talked too fast for her to comprehend.

My office is next to Bryant Park (http://www.bryantpark.org/) and having sent Polina some photos of the great lawn, ice rink, and fountain, she was very eager to see it. We took the subway to Times Square and she was quick to point out that the Moscow metro was much more beautiful than NYC's dinghy stations. She got no argument from me. After cruising around Times Square for awhile we headed over to the park. The ice rink was loaded with skaters and Polina told me that they'd recently set up a temporary ice rink in Red Square. From there we walked 5 blocks to St. Patrick's cathedral. SPC is the most beautiful church in New York and, surrounded by tall office buildings on all sides, it looks like a relic from another age. Along with throngs of other tourists, we walked around the church. Every time I've visited previously I've been annoyed by chatty Japanese tourists who talk nonstop and snap photos of the church's interior with their cell phones. Next we crossed the street to Rockafeller Plaza, home of the huge Christmas tree and ice skating rink that draws tourists like moths to a flame. I told her I had a surprise for her as we walked around the corner. When I wouldn't tell her what it was, she took to pinching me in the ass as we walked along, but I wouldn't budge. I was taking her to the observation platform at the top of Rockefeller Center, 70+ stories up, and arguably the best view in all of Manhattan, better even than the top of the Empire State Building and even better than the old view from the top of the World Trade Center, thanks to its proximity to Central Park. The express elevator to the top is an experience in itself, as the car's ceiling is made of glass. Once the car begins moving up there are blue lights along the elevator shaft illuminating the quick ascent, it's beautiful but stomach-wrenching to watch. I don't have enough superlatives to describe the view, let this photo (not mine, by the way) at the end of this post suffice.

After we returned to sea level we were both suddenly exhausted. I bought us some juice at a kiosk and then we headed back to the PATH train. On our way we made a quick detour to look at the Christmas display windows at Macy's on 34th St. It was amazing but choked with tourists. We managed to get to our train just before the 5PM evening rush hour. Upon arriving at home, I made her rest while I prepared dinner, chicken parm with risotto. She'd never eaten this before and was pleasantly surprised. The lost luggage lame-os had left a message on our machine stating that our bags had arrived at JFK and to please phone back to arrange delivery. Afterwards we watched a romantic comedy (About a Boy). We tried our best to stay awake past 9PM but failed. As we were falling asleep, Polina told me she was radiantly happy being here with me and, surprisingly, she didn't miss her friends or family in the slightest.

[groovlstk]

My last post was bogged down in details, so let me summarize some of the important lessons I've learned at this point. Keep in mind it's simply my own experience with Polina and I don't profess to make our relationship representative of all RW/AM, but I'm sure the married guys came to some of the same conclusions. If others have additional Defcon 1 advice, please feel free to post it here!

-When she first arrives, she must be the focal point of your universe during every waking moment; anything less will not suffice. We had a few small arguments early on and they always stemmed from my being distracted or trying to concentrate on something else, even if only for a short time. This is an extremely delicate juggling match; I never intended to slight her but some day-to-day responsibilities can't be avoided unless you're living on a desert island. Her need for constant attention might seem irrational but remember her circumstances; take care to talk to her about such things and involve her if she wishes.

-You are responsible for her 100%. I wanted to make an analogy about caring for a child but I can't think of a way to write it without sounding derogatory, which is far from my intention. Don't expect her to arrive and immediately assume her share of the responsibility in running your household. I cooked and cleaned and set our schedule, almost exclusively, for our first two weeks together. Things gradually changed as she became more confident and comfortable in our home, and now that I'm back at work she's assumed the lion's share of our domestic stuff. I'm sure when she returns to work we'll need to make another adjustment, but I don't anticipate any problems with this as from the moment I started my search I never wanted a scullery maid or a traditional woman in the domestic sense.

-Encourage her to phone home as often as she wishes. Polina phones her dad every day, and her mom/grandmother/sis a few times each week. She phones her friends less as she uses ICQ on our home computer to stay in touch.

-A little patience may go a long way, but not long enough to co-exist with a Russian woman. I've exhibited oceans and lakes of patience, seas and rivers of patience - way beyond anything I showed in my past relationships with American women. And still at times I come up short.

[KenC]

Groov,
That sounds about right to my experiences too!
KenC

[LEGAL]

Mark
 Like KenC and everyone else who has responded , I Really enjoyed reading this report and it has also brought back a flood of very fond memories .  I will share this quick note
When Olga and I went through Immigration in Atlanta  My choosing after long discussion with JET thats for another story.Upon entry everyone of the officers were so nice  clapping  and congratulating Olga welcoming her to the united states. Olga said to me Robert everybody smiles and is so nice.  WOW did I get lucky in Atlanta.
For NEWBIES reading this NEVER NEVER put you fiance's documents in your lugage. I allways keep important papers in a small carry on bag, so I can have them within site at all times,especially intercontinental traveling. Sorry for going off topic,
Congratulations 

Great post Olga and I are looking forward for updates


LEGAL

[wiz]

Groov

How nice to see you back in writing mode and I enjoy reading your posts. Of course I expect that you will continue writing because many things you talk about are coming true ....... now that Sofia is here in UK.

I have a couple of days off, Sofia went to her cousin's because we have the electricians rewiring everything, so I am catching up with my reading and makes a change from helping Sofia with her English, grammar etc.

Good luck and beast wishes to both for the New year.

[Jumper]

-A little patience may go a long way, but not long enough to co-exist with a Russian woman. I've exhibited oceans and lakes of patience, seas and rivers of patience - way beyond anything I showed in my past relationships with American women. And still at times I come up short.

LMAO groov!

i know you dint really intend it as amusing,,but to some of us it is nonetheless 


for guys thinking of entering into this, for guys awaiting thier significants others arrival..
this is simply your bible,at least for the first few months..
IMHO.