Aussie Humor

[Rvrwind]

My daughter sent me this this morning & I caught it before I had to catch my train to Moscow & thought I'd post it for our Aussie members. I'm glad to see that they are not immune to the idiots of the world either, but they do take it with a sense of humor, which is good, you pretty much have to, LOL.
Read & enjoy.

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....
 
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
 
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
 
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia ? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia ? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

A sense of humor is deffinitly needed in this job!! LOL

[I/O]

Yeah bloody terrorists, oops I mean tourists.....and the one they all come in for......drive 'em past the nearest cemetary and tell 'em nobody living within 3 miles of it is allowed to be buried there.  Gaaaaaawd none of 'em seem to catch it.

The newer crop of Americans who come down here have sharpened up considerably, they're a good lot these days.  The Slopes and Towel heads are the great sport now.

But ya gotta remember, we are just a bunch of half arsed cynics that the Northern hemisphere kicked out and we just happened to do ok.

I/O

[Mir]

Aaaha Terra Australis Incognita!

[SANDRO43]

Are they still encouraging immigration from Europe ?

[Mir]

They certainly want more doctors from UK

[Kuna]

Send your Doctors, nurses, software developers and beautiful Russian women... All are more than welcome downunder!

[SANDRO43]

I was more interested in Tuesday night choir singing in King's Cross . Maybe vets for the hippo races, too ?

[Rvrwind]

How hard would it be for Canadian married to a Russian to immigrate to Austrailia? Just curious, but ya' never know!

[I/O]

How hard would it be for Canadian married to a Russian to immigrate to Austrailia? Just curious, but ya' never know!

Richard: Pretty stright forward if my understanding is correct.  BUT, I would be doing it from Canada if it was me.  The Au Embassy in Moscow is in total disarray right now. 

I wonder if the Americans would like to borrow our new immigration policy banner which is aimed at the scabs still trying to get in here in fishing boats and such like for their southern border.   See Below.

I/O

[Kuna]

How hard would it be for Canadian married to a Russian to immigrate to Austrailia? Just curious, but ya' never know!

Richard,

It'd be dead easy for a Canadian married to a Russian to immigrate but I suspect it'd be more difficult for a Russian married to a Canadian.

 

Never say never though... everyone's welcome (unless you turn up in a boat)!

Kuna

[I/O]

everyone's welcome (unless you turn up in a boat)! Kuna

Kuna:  Dunno about that.   You might be a bit more open minded than me.  Frankly I've had a neck full of all these wannabees trying to convert this place to what they couldn't have at home.  Far as I am concerned it is pretty dammed good the way it is and if they want to join in they're welcome but if they want to phrigg with it then they can piss off back to where they came from.

I/O

[Kuna]

Kuna:  Dunno about that.   You might be a bit more open minded than me.  Frankly I've had a neck full of all these wannabees trying to convert this place to what they couldn't have at home.  Far as I am concerned it is pretty dammed good the way it is and if they want to join in they're welcome but if they want to phrigg with it then they can piss off back to where they came from.

I/O

Fred Nile supporter?   

[I/O]

Fred Nile supporter?   

Nope..  More of a Fred Hollows supporter myself.  Like to see practical progress.

I/O

[Rvrwind]

Personally I wish our Prime Minister & Government had the gonads yours does!!
Their polcy towards immigration would make anybody proud!!! It would me!
I have the feeling going back to Canada is going to be very difficult. From what my sister tells me the folks you mentioned in you post upthread ( Slopes and Towel heads) are taking over the damn country. Being not so PC that could tend to get me into some real trouble.
I, like you folks, share the same ideal, I got no problem with them comin' but I draw the line at having to change my Christian values & life to please a bunch of foreigners who want to change my country into what they left. If their damn country was so good, why'd they leave in the first place & why screw mine up in the process.
They sure don't like it when I refuse to speak to them, like at a government office or bank, & demand to speak to a Canadian. Then they say with a thick Paki accent, "I am Canadian Sir". The he!! you are, I want a white Canadian that speaks English not some raghead that got his job because some pussy invented Affirmative Action for the socially inept!!! Don't know why, but they really get upset when I say that.
Thinkin' about it, that might get me deported to Austrailia, LOL.

[jb]

Personally I like everything Australian except your private ownership of gun laws.

[I/O]

Personally I wish our Prime Minister & Government had the gonads yours does!!
Their policy towards immigration would make anybody proud!!! It would me!
I have the feeling going back to Canada is going to be very difficult. From what my sister tells me the folks you mentioned in you post up thread ( Slopes and Towel heads) are taking over the damn country. Being not so PC that could tend to get me into some real trouble.
I, like you folks, share the same ideal, I got no problem with them comin' but I draw the line at having to change my Christian values & life to please a bunch of foreigners who want to change my country into what they left. If their damn country was so good, why'd they leave in the first place & why screw mine up in the process.
They sure don't like it when I refuse to speak to them, like at a government office or bank, & demand to speak to a Canadian. Then they say with a thick Paki accent, "I am Canadian Sir". The he!! you are, I want a white Canadian that speaks English not some raghead that got his job because some pussy invented Affirmative Action for the socially inept!!! Don't know why, but they really get upset when I say that.
Thinkin' about it, that might get me deported to Austrailia, LOL.

Richard:  Well you might have to learn to spell the name first, seeing as we are in the "Spelling" frame of mind.  You have enough "A"'s (Arseholes that is ) in it but you have too many "I"'s (I wants that is) 

Our PM?  Yeah he has got a bit of guts in some ways, but his nickname is "Bonsai" meaning "A little Bush".  I think that is not quite correct in some ways.  But we have aliened ourselves to a great extent with the Americans and personally, I think it is a good thing.  Nationally, I think we share the common basic values which have been lost to many nations and then as you say, when it doesn't work, they want to come here or Canada or USA and then phrigg it up the way they did there own countries. 

I have 270 odd drivers working for the company I manage and I differ from you slightly in so far as I can accept the overseas guys with the thick Central / West Asian accent, but I draw the line when one can't be contacted at a peak time such as 4.00pm Friday because he is kneeling on a white rag, head between his knees, facing North West uttering some indecipherable gibberish.  He got the order of the boot pronto and then dashed off to the "Anti Discrimination Commission".  He got the sharp end of my tongue again there and fortunately the commissioner had his head screwed on too and pointed him to the door in short order. 

Some justice left in this world.

JB, actually the Gun Law thing has settled down quite a deal and it is quite workable even for the part time sports shooter such as my Dad and I.  It is nowhere near as bad as has been touted. 

I'd just like to turn "Rag Head Hunting" into a national sport, in fact there should be a bounty on their heads.

I/O

[Mir]

I want a white Canadian that speaks English not some raghead that got his job because some pussy invented Affirmative Action for the socially inept!!!

And what if it is someone with a thick Russian accent ?

[I/O]

And what if it is someone with a thick Russian accent ?

And......want to fit in, uphold the country's values and LAWS, respect what they have been given and share tactfully their own heritage, then they are MOST welcome.  Currently there is 62000 Russians or second generation Russians in Au among a population of 20 million and I have no problem with that.

I/O

[Mir]

And......want to fit in, uphold the country's values and LAWS, respect what they have been given and share tactfully their own heritage, then they are MOST welcome.  Currently there is 62000 Russians or second generation Russians in Au among a population of 20 million and I have no problem with that.

And you can tell all that when you meet the person across a bank window?

[Kuna]

OK...  *deep breath*

Don't think for a moment that I am supportive of any change to our culture as a result of new immigrants....  BUT...  my family came from Europe between 1948 and 1950 and were called Wogs by the Poms, and were ridiculed because of the food they ate and the way they lived.

Now you can see Wogs in our cities but you'd hardly recognise their children.. Oh and the Poms are now eating Wog food instead of bangers and mash.

A decade or so ago we had Pauline Hanson bring shame to all white Australians through her racist remarks about Asians even though the Chinese were early settlers that contributed in exactly the same way as other immigrants at the time.  

My ex-g/f (Who was Chinese/Scottish) was walking down the road one day when some "Ippy Boys" (Ippy = Ipswich, a city between I/O and I that has a fair number of red necks and unemployable morons) yelled out "Go home Slope".  

Well my ex was born in Townsville and in typical Townsville style she yelled back, "%$#@ off needle d!ck, if I wanna go back to the 'ville I will".

The only issue I have with Muslims is when I meet ones like the taxi driver in Sydney who told me he would kill his children if they ever married a Christian.  When attitudes are so far outside of our cultural or legal boundaries I think they have no place here.

Yes, the immigrants will stand out, but their children will be the ones that FULLY integrate.

I'm totally supportive of Howard and our Government and think the Labour Party down here are just itching to ruin the good things that have been done... I like to focus on individuals rather than groups.

My grandmother was never a Nazi even though she was born in Germany.  My Grandfather was never a communist even though he was born in Ukraine.  Not all Poms are football hooligans and not all Frenchmen are arrogant (though some might disagree).  

I'm tolerant, but protective of what is good about our country. I just wish we could deport individuals who are trying to ruin our culture and values - and that includes some white skinned vandals that seek power in Government.

Just my opinion...

Kuna

[jb]

For the uninitiated,,, WOG = "Westernized Oriental Gentleman", a derogatory term applied mostly to folks from India and Pakistan who had the gall to imitate the mannerisms of their English occupiers, it might also be loosely referenced to any oriental person who immigrates to the English speaking world.

[Kuna]

jb,

Your definition is correct... however from the 1950's through to current day Wogs in Australia are typically Greeks or Italians. 

During the influx of immigrants after WWII virtually anyone with a European accent became a "wog".

It's not a term often used now (except by Greeks when speaking about themselves)... but was certainly has been a part of racial labelling in the past!

[Rvrwind]

And what if it is someone with a thick Russian accent ?

No problem, at least the Russians arn't lobbying the government to be permited to carry daggers to school because they are a religous symbol, while my kids get busted for carry a jackknife!! By the way they now have that right!
And Russians didn't loddy to remove the Lords Prayer from school & public places because it offended them. You don't like the Lords prayer , tough then get out.
WE were a Christian Society now we are heathens because we gave up our Christian values to satisfy a minority. Well I was always a heathen but thats another story,  .
I have seen companies that I worked for lower their employment standards & make the testing procedures easier just so these people could qualify for jobs that we had to pass a tougher test for!!! Just because the government said they had to give them jobs. Makes me wanna puke, don't know about you.
Like I said, I got no problem with them comin' but this is my country & if yu want to live here you live by the establshed rules, we shouldn't have to change our ways, you should damn well change yours or go bck to where you came from!!!
Thats what I like about Oz & that is what I like about Russia.

[Mir]

Yes but how can you decide that the immigrant who is serving you at the bank or the post office is also sympathizing with the ideas that you don't like? What if he/she is trying to integrate and people like you by refusing to deal with them cause them to become antagonized and bitter?
There is a thin line between being a protector of your of life and being a racist.

[Rvrwind]

There is a thin line between being a protector of your of life and being a racist.

Maybe, but me I'm just a Redneck! And proud of it I might add.