What did you do (Or are doing now) to PREPARE for a married life?

[MaxxumUSA]

I am recently following this thread:

http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=4035.0

and thinking to myself:  What are these people doing?  Did they prepare themselves for marriage and the commitment of family?

So...  I will leave this open ended.  After a few posts I will put what I have done to prepare myself.

I am curious.  What have you done - From both MEN and WOMEN - to prepare for this great change in life?

Here are the areas that pop into my mind:

1.  Mental - how did you mentally prepare?

2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally?

3.  Financially - mostly for men...  and I break this into two categories:
  3.A.  - How and when did you plan for the expense of marriage
  3.B.  - What and how are you willing to share (financially) with your new wife?

4.  Physically - ???

5.  Socially -  How will your friends adjust to the change?  Are they aware?

6.  Religiously - ???

7.  Living area (house, etc)

8.  Last but certainly not least...  FAMILY. 

Again...  I am looking for input from men and women.  I will assume men from abroad and USA and women from Russia/Ukraine.

Pick any one or more of the above... and post. 

- Dave

[catzenmouse]

Dave,

 I don't have much time today but I'll give you a couple of quick thoughts and answer more later.

Patience: You need to build up your patience abilities. Start with watching paint dry, then move up to watching grass grow. When you can watch it grow an entire inch you will be close to ready. This will come in particularly helpful waiting for anything to do with the government.

Arguments: Prepare for any arguments by beating you head against the wall for two hours a day, work up to 5 or 6. This will get you ready to have any difference of opinion or to talk about how things are better or not better here.

 ---- Joking ----

Have a look through the FAQs #11 & #12 which will give you some thoughts about this. I know we have threads about this also so a couple of searchs should give you some more food for thought. Mostly I just remember this being a whirlwind from the time the K1 was approved until she was here. I'll try to post some details after I dig through the attic (my head) and find some specifics.

Ken

[Elen]

  there was no money, no jobs ( yet) no place for living, both families were sure their "priceless child" decerved "more" .... - well I'm not going to continue to tell you what silly things I've done in my life 

[MaxxumUSA]

there was no money, no jobs ( yet) no place for living, both falmilies were sure their "priceless child" decerved "more" .... - well I'm not going to continue to tell you what silly things I've done in my life 

Elen,

I mean...  I think this was like my first marriage.  I did have a job but not a great one.  But I was 23 years old and my wife was 19.

Most of the men on these boards I would guess are in my boat.  A bit more mature.  I'm 38 years old, have full custody of my 14 year old son, and certainly learned a lot about life since I was 23.

Were you referring to a first marriage?  Just curious.

- Dave

[viking]

Think about what you did to prepare your own life. Multiple by 2.  Then completely change everything every 5 years. I'm not kidding.

[Elen]

Were you referring to a first marriage?  Just curious.
- Dave

Yes It was ( still is)  my first and the only one (yet) marriage Somehow I think that I'm from those people who think "too much" So if I started to "think" I afraid I would never marry

[Photo Guy]

Prepare for marriage?

First you go out to a store that sells pedestals. Home depot?
Get one that is big enough for your future wife, and tall enough
so that you cannot quite reach her when she is not in the mood.

Then you clean out your refrigerator and cupboards of all
foods except really fatty foods and very fishy tasting fish.
You must prepare yourself to eat all of her cooking and never
make strong suggestions about recipe modifications.

Then you must prepare to re-program her ideas about Western
doctors and her (inaccurate?) view that they cut first and
ask questions later.  You help her to adjust to your weird
cousin Vinny and demented sister Fran. Tell her Fran's
bulimia is quite common in your country and that's why she
is always in the bathroom after meals. Tell her your father
stares at her breasts and intends it as a compliment.

Next, prepare her for your workaholic tendencies. If you are American,
assure her that it is fine and dandy for you to spend 60 or 70 hours
at the office because this will help the retirement phase and help
put junior through college. In 15 or twenty years, you will be
able to spend a lot of quality time together in a retirement
community in Boca Raton, Florida. (mouth of the...)

When she first arrives, prepare to take her to the finest shopping
mall in your town, which will be her new cultural center. Promise her
that you will also do research to find out where the museums are.
Tell her everything you know about the history of your country.
This will take some of you a very short amount of time.

Remove the thousands of images of naked women and children
from your computer's hard drive, to prevent insane jealousy.


But seriously, I know of many couples who have been together for
many years, like my parents, who married without very many preparations.
They just fell in love, respected each other, supported each other,
and had the right attitude. If the couple has common sense
and decent values, that's all that's required before 'married life'. IMHO
Without those elements of 'good character', a marriage will be
destined to fail.

[Voyageur]

Gosh, Maxxum,

That is a serious, sincere question that could take days to answer. I am sure that every case is different, but in my experience in reading these forums and in life, I have noticed a few things:

1.  Mental - how did you mentally prepare?

The K1 process for immigration of a fiancée into this country is long and requires much from each partner.  Although you’ll hate the process, and the length of time that passes, and the infuriating delays and nonsense that the US government puts you through, you will find out much about your intended bride. Does she prepare well?  Do you work together well as a team during this process? Do you communicate honestly and often?  Is she timely and proactive in the process?  After she has her interview there will be a sense of relief, like- finally, this is over.

But it has really just begun. It is the easiest part of the process.

You can prepare mentally best, by always remember that your FSU woman is giving up everything she ever knew and loved in this life to come to you. At first she will be totally dependant upon you for everything, the life here will be very strange to her. You must be her “wall” and real man to be ready to spend as much time with her as possible.

2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally?

Only you can answer this.  Like Catzenmouse said previously, you must have patience and a love in your heart to want to help her with everything. As you have a mid-teen child, your job may be even harder. You will have to balance the needs of your new family with those of your old family.


3.  Financially - mostly for men...  and I break this into two categories:
  3.A.  - How and when did you plan for the expense of marriage

You must have your financial house in order before even considering this!  It is not fair to expect someone to come to a new country to face financial difficulties. A frank discussion should be had early in the relationships so that there are a minimum of unrealizable expectations. Normally, even the best planning will result in unmet expectations down the road – no one can explain everything to be expected in a new life! Have healthy dialogue on your standard of living and plans for the future.


  3.B.  - What and how are you willing to share (financially) with your new wife?

There are many opinions on this, and this is a whole thread’s worth of opinions here. You must decide for yourself. Ask yourself how you would feel, if you gave up everything and moved to a foreign country?  What would you feel would be fair?  This, of course, assumes that you are sure that your future spouse truly loves you and is not looking for a way out of a not-so-perfect life.

4.  Physically - 

Hmmmn……I am not sure what you mean by this…except get plenty of rest before your trip to meet her at the airport!

5.  Socially -  How will your friends adjust to the change?  Are they aware?

In my opinion, true friends will be happy for you, and will see your happiness together.

Of course, real and true friends are often few and far between and you may see jealousy or ignorance of other cultures and intolerance in others that you have never seen in them before.  I really have little tolerance for those people who automatically assume that life in the FSU is terrible and believe all the dogma written from the cold war days.  I believe that if you love your new wife and have an appreciation of the differences in cultures between the west and the FSU, that you should be at her side if anyone tries to belittle her or act in a condescending way towards her birth country.  Help her understand the many differences in the two cultures and be together, in one boat!

6.  Religiously -

You must discuss your compatibility in this area early in your relationship. Communicate with each other. It could be a trivial item or a huge problem.

7.  Living area (house, etc)

You should have enough savings to allow your future wife to make your home her home as well.  You may even have to move to another house eventually so that she can feel comfortable in your home together.  Many people here have told about this.


8.  Last but certainly not least...  FAMILY.

Your family should respect her as your intended bride.  If not, then you have a choice to make. You must place your new family’s needs above anything else. They have sacrificed all to move here, how can they expect any less sacrifice from you?

[catzenmouse]

Very Well Said Voyager! 

[MaxxumUSA]

Very Well Said Voyager! 

I totally agree...  Very well said.

I appreciate all that has been said.  Thank you Elen for an answer from experience.

Thank everyone else for their advice.

I would very much like to know more about others personal experiences and how they personally prepared (Or not) for this.

[Kuna]

Maxxum,

I wasn't going to post in this thread but seeings I'm going through a similar thing I might comment briefly on a couple of areas.  You've already had some very good input so I'll keep mine short.


2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally?
I think we should all be emotionally ready before starting our search.  Are we ready to share our lives again?  I hope so.
3.  Financially - mostly for men...  and I break this into two categories:
  3.A.  - How and when did you plan for the expense of marriage
I think it's important that we have the financial resources before we start because the worst thing would be to hit financial hardship when she arrives.  I'm anticipating the added costs to roll on for a couple of years after marriage and possibly beyond.

  3.B.  - What and how are you willing to share (financially) with your new wife?
Of course when my girl first arrives in Australia she won't go immediately into work.  She wants to work after marriage  but in our case it probably won't happen for the first 2 years. I intend using my income to cover all costs and set up an automatic funds transfer from my main account to accounts setup for both her and me.

What do I mean?  I want to have a joint account for US and then we will each have our own personal accounts for personal spending. I'm not sure how others do it but I wouldn't be comfortable handing her cash on a weekly or monthly basis.  She should know how much goes into her account and she should have freedom to spend that as necessary.

4.  Physically -
God only knows I need to look at fitness.  My girl is an avid jogger and she's excited by the prospect of jogging along the river in front of my apartment and she's told me how "wonderful it will be" to do this together.  Right ow it would kill me... I've started some more regular exercise and hope to share the jogs with her when she arrives.

5.  Socially -  How will your friends adjust to the change?  Are they aware?
I know I will have an issue with some of my friends.  I will lose some (or move away from them) and become closer to others.  I've already seen some of my friends react in surprising ways but I see this more as their problem than mine.


6.  Religiously -
My girl is Orthodox and we'd discussed religion.  She says she believes in God but doesn't believe everything the church tells her and when she arrives she sees little NEED to immediately join a church.  She's said she would be just as happy joining my church eventually because she just thinks the discipline and principles of religion are important for children and the household but doesn't find it necessary to be weekly (or more often) attendees. 

7.  Living area (house, etc)
I know I'll eventually have to sell my city centre apartment and look at something with some more space.  She dearly wants to live in a house with a garden where our children will eventually play.  She doesn't want to live far from the city though.  We've tried discussing areas in my city that would give her what she wants but we're not quite connecting on this yet.  I think she'll need to come here and see the different areas of our city and in time she'll know where she'll like to live.  At first we'll stay in my current apartment but I hope in time we'll agree on an area we both like.  I don't have hard and fast rules on where I want to live.  I'm mo9re interested in what happen IN our home.


8.  Last but certainly not least...  FAMILY. 
My family have already accepted her future arrival and a few of them have spoken on the phone to my girl.  I see my family as being an important part of her support network when she first arrives.

A few other things:

Education - What career does your girl want to follow after arrival?  Do her current qualifications require updating?  Is she looking at a new career path?

Your working arrangements -  I need to change jobs.  Currently I have a lot of commuting during the week and frequent trips into Asia required as a normal part of my job.  If I don't change my work my marriage won't work.  I'm looking around and will make the changes when required.

Preparing the House - I'm not going to redecorate or anything before she arrives but I will be doing a big cleanout.  I think it's important that she can arrive and make changes but simple stuff like having a CLEAN and orderly place for her to settle into would be important.

I'll also I do the annual clean (Spring Cleaning) just before she arrives.  Carpets cleaned and Walls Scrubbed.

Goodbye to Old Girlfriends - I have some old girlfriends that I've remained friends with but I know that will be an issue when my girl arrives.  Before she arrives I'll explain to these exes why I am discontinuing contact with them and wish them all the best for the future.  Why disengage???  I even see it now when I was dating girls at home.  The exes can claim they "just want friendship" all they want but women are competitive beasts and every girl I date usually never gets approval from the exes...  I won't have my girl subjected to bitchiness when she arrives because the adjustment will be difficult enough without external negative influences.

Car and Transport - When my girl first arrives I will take her around my city on public transport so she knows how to get around and where to go for all of the basic stuff.  It'll be important for us to get her a car and her to get a license pretty quickly though.  She says she can drive "but doesn't have her papers" but I've read interesting things about Ukrainian women drivers...  We have speed limits and strict rules... maybe they'll be the most important things for her to learn!    

Food - OK,  call me a perfectionist but I've been experimenting with cooking for a few months now.  I want to be able to share the cooking with her when she arrives (because I love cooking) and I'd dearly like to have a large range of traditional Russian and Ukrainian dishes I can cook for us.  I want my home to become more Russian (Ukrainian) when she joins me and I don't expect her to become completely Australian.

My Office will bite the dust - My third bedroom is my office.  We'll be planning for her mother to visit not too far down the track and I know my office will have to make way for a MIL Bedroom.  We have a unique situation so you probably won't be planning and early visit for you MIL.

Doctors - My girl is more comfortable with female doctors so I'll be asking friends and family if they know of good female doctors in our area.  My doctor is a male... Chinese... and phones me with abusive phone calls if I cancel appointments or don't follow up on things when some follow up is required.  He lectures me and belittles me... but I need it and appreciate it because I'm very busy at the moment and healthcare is more predictable when I have my doctor phone me and tell me to get my A$$ in there TOMORROW rather than put it off because I'm busy, tired or got better things to do.  I don't think my current doctor would be a good match for her.

Redecorating - Out of our joint account I intend setting some money aside for her to redecorate.  I think it'll be a good way for her to keep busy when she first arrives and the changes she makes around our apartment will make her feel a sense of accomplishment to know she has made it into OUR home rather than her living in MY home.

Movies, Books, Music - I've already bought a PC based Media Centre and found some web based Russian Radio... Actually Radio from Dnepropetrovsk (where she lives).  She'll be able to simply switch on the media centre and listen to the same radio station she listens to at home.  I'll be looking for web based movies where possible and vendors and shops for Russian Language Movies and Books

Friends - I'm mindful of her making her own friends and accept it could be difficult for her to make her own friends in the early stages.  My current female friends may not be good matches for her because they are in "party world" and y girl isn't interested in nightclubs and pub culture.  I'm also involved in some charities though and the people I socialise with there are more family oriented and live quieter lifestyles.  I imagine we'll spend more time with those people so she can meet some people who are more compatible with her desired lifestyle.

Language - My girls English is pretty good... We communicate freely.  She is also fluent in German and my German is just passable.  My Russian is almost non-existent so I intend brushing up on my German and putting a concerted effort into Russian before she arrives. 

Getting time off work when she arrives - I think it's important to spend 24/7 with her for a while after arrival.  Taking time off work to pick her up at the airport won't be enough.  I intend going to UKR to help her in what will proably be a very emotional time.  Once we get home I'll want a few weeks to help her settle in.

Keeping her busy - I think having a few family projects agreed on will be good to give her a sense of purpose and help her realise she is adding her touches to our relationship would be good.  This could be the redecorating but also helping her get set for researching Russian language movies and books,  helping me with my Russian,  her making the arrangements for her mothers Visa, maybe even helping my elderly mother with things (like she's expressed she wants to do).  My girl has told me she really wants to build close relationships with my family and has asked things like "Will it be OK if I call your mother Mum?"... "Will your mother like it if I spend some days with her or go to the shops together?"

Oh.. Letting her rest! - I know it sounds like I will be planning a lot for her when she arrives but I think in reality she will have to do things at her speed.  I want to be prepared to offer her options but the speed at which she does things will be up to her.  Patience has been mentioned and I think what I am trying to do is to be prepared to offer her a variety of options and then will try to be patient as she chooses what she wants to do and how she wants to do it.  My girl is no shrinking violet so I imagine she'll be working hard to settle in AND she'll let me know what she wants to do and doesn't want to do.

We've discussed all of the above already and our communication will continue.  She should feel involved with this planning phase as well...


Ummm... I said I was only going to post a few short things but it's ended up being a doozey.  There's a lot of things on my mind because I'm in the planning phase like you too.  We have a bit of a unique situation that has sped up our thinking and I'm sure there are things I'm missing.

I think the most important thing is making sure you have an open and harmonious communication style with your girl.  Compatibility can only get you so far I suspect... commitment to making things work will define the level of success you achieve.

All the best,

Kuna

[MaxxumUSA]

Maxxum,

I wasn't going to post in this thread but seeings I'm going through a similar thing I might comment briefly on a couple of areas.  You've already had some very good input so I'll keep mine short.


2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally?
I think we should all be emotionally ready before starting our search.  Are we ready to share our lives again?  I hope so.
3.  Financially - mostly for men...  and I break this into two categories:
  3.A.  - How and when did you plan for the expense of marriage
I think it's important that we have the financial resources before we start because the worst thing would be to hit financial hardship when she arrives.  I'm anticipating the added costs to roll on for a couple of years after marriage and possibly beyond.

  3.B.  - What and how are you willing to share (financially) with your new wife?
Of course when my girl first arrives in Australia she won't go immediately into work.  She wants to work after marriage  but in our case it probably won't happen for the first 2 years. I intend using my income to cover all costs and set up an automatic funds transfer from my main account to accounts setup for both her and me.

What do I mean?  I want to have a joint account for US and then we will each have our own personal accounts for personal spending. I'm not sure how others do it but I wouldn't be comfortable handing her cash on a weekly or monthly basis.  She should know how much goes into her account and she should have freedom to spend that as necessary.

4.  Physically -
God only knows I need to look at fitness.  My girl is an avid jogger and she's excited by the prospect of jogging along the river in front of my apartment and she's told me how "wonderful it will be" to do this together.  Right ow it would kill me... I've started some more regular exercise and hope to share the jogs with her when she arrives.

5.  Socially -  How will your friends adjust to the change?  Are they aware?
I know I will have an issue with some of my friends.  I will lose some (or move away from them) and become closer to others.  I've already seen some of my friends react in surprising ways but I see this more as their problem than mine.


6.  Religiously -
My girl is Orthodox and we'd discussed religion.  She says she believes in God but doesn't believe everything the church tells her and when she arrives she sees little NEED to immediately join a church.  She's said she would be just as happy joining my church eventually because she just thinks the discipline and principles of religion are important for children and the household but doesn't find it necessary to be weekly (or more often) attendees. 

7.  Living area (house, etc)
I know I'll eventually have to sell my city centre apartment and look at something with some more space.  She dearly wants to live in a house with a garden where our children will eventually play.  She doesn't want to live far from the city though.  We've tried discussing areas in my city that would give her what she wants but we're not quite connecting on this yet.  I think she'll need to come here and see the different areas of our city and in time she'll know where she'll like to live.  At first we'll stay in my current apartment but I hope in time we'll agree on an area we both like.  I don't have hard and fast rules on where I want to live.  I'm mo9re interested in what happen IN our home.


8.  Last but certainly not least...  FAMILY. 
My family have already accepted her future arrival and a few of them have spoken on the phone to my girl.  I see my family as being an important part of her support network when she first arrives.

A few other things:

Education - What career does your girl want to follow after arrival?  Do her current qualifications require updating?  Is she looking at a new career path?

Your working arrangements -  I need to change jobs.  Currently I have a lot of commuting during the week and frequent trips into Asia required as a normal part of my job.  If I don't change my work my marriage won't work.  I'm looking around and will make the changes when required.

Preparing the House - I'm not going to redecorate or anything before she arrives but I will be doing a big cleanout.  I think it's important that she can arrive and make changes but simple stuff like having a CLEAN and orderly place for her to settle into would be important.

I'll also I do the annual clean (Spring Cleaning) just before she arrives.  Carpets cleaned and Walls Scrubbed.

Goodbye to Old Girlfriends - I have some old girlfriends that I've remained friends with but I know that will be an issue when my girl arrives.  Before she arrives I'll explain to these exes why I am discontinuing contact with them and wish them all the best for the future.  Why disengage???  I even see it now when I was dating girls at home.  The exes can claim they "just want friendship" all they want but women are competitive beasts and every girl I date usually never gets approval from the exes...  I won't have my girl subjected to bitchiness when she arrives because the adjustment will be difficult enough without external negative influences.

Car and Transport - When my girl first arrives I will take her around my city on public transport so she knows how to get around and where to go for all of the basic stuff.  It'll be important for us to get her a car and her to get a license pretty quickly though.  She says she can drive "but doesn't have her papers" but I've read interesting things about Ukrainian women drivers...  We have speed limits and strict rules... maybe they'll be the most important things for her to learn!    

Food - OK,  call me a perfectionist but I've been experimenting with cooking for a few months now.  I want to be able to share the cooking with her when she arrives (because I love cooking) and I'd dearly like to have a large range of traditional Russian and Ukrainian dishes I can cook for us.  I want my home to become more Russian (Ukrainian) when she joins me and I don't expect her to become completely Australian.

My Office will bite the dust - My third bedroom is my office.  We'll be planning for her mother to visit not too far down the track and I know my office will have to make way for a MIL Bedroom.  We have a unique situation so you probably won't be planning and early visit for you MIL.

Doctors - My girl is more comfortable with female doctors so I'll be asking friends and family if they know of good female doctors in our area.  My doctor is a male... Chinese... and phones me with abusive phone calls if I cancel appointments or don't follow up on things when some follow up is required.  He lectures me and belittles me... but I need it and appreciate it because I'm very busy at the moment and healthcare is more predictable when I have my doctor phone me and tell me to get my A$$ in there TOMORROW rather than put it off because I'm busy, tired or got better things to do.  I don't think my current doctor would be a good match for her.

Redecorating - Out of our joint account I intend setting some money aside for her to redecorate.  I think it'll be a good way for her to keep busy when she first arrives and the changes she makes around our apartment will make her feel a sense of accomplishment to know she has made it into OUR home rather than her living in MY home.

Movies, Books, Music - I've already bought a PC based Media Centre and found some web based Russian Radio... Actually Radio from Dnepropetrovsk (where she lives).  She'll be able to simply switch on the media centre and listen to the same radio station she listens to at home.  I'll be looking for web based movies where possible and vendors and shops for Russian Language Movies and Books

Friends - I'm mindful of her making her own friends and accept it could be difficult for her to make her own friends in the early stages.  My current female friends may not be good matches for her because they are in "party world" and y girl isn't interested in nightclubs and pub culture.  I'm also involved in some charities though and the people I socialise with there are more family oriented and live quieter lifestyles.  I imagine we'll spend more time with those people so she can meet some people who are more compatible with her desired lifestyle.

Language - My girls English is pretty good... We communicate freely.  She is also fluent in German and my German is just passable.  My Russian is almost non-existent so I intend brushing up on my German and putting a concerted effort into Russian before she arrives. 

Getting time off work when she arrives - I think it's important to spend 24/7 with her for a while after arrival.  Taking time off work to pick her up at the airport won't be enough.  I intend going to UKR to help her in what will proably be a very emotional time.  Once we get home I'll want a few weeks to help her settle in.

Keeping her busy - I think having a few family projects agreed on will be good to give her a sense of purpose and help her realise she is adding her touches to our relationship would be good.  This could be the redecorating but also helping her get set for researching Russian language movies and books,  helping me with my Russian,  her making the arrangements for her mothers Visa, maybe even helping my elderly mother with things (like she's expressed she wants to do).  My girl has told me she really wants to build close relationships with my family and has asked things like "Will it be OK if I call your mother Mum?"... "Will your mother like it if I spend some days with her or go to the shops together?"

Oh.. Letting her rest! - I know it sounds like I will be planning a lot for her when she arrives but I think in reality she will have to do things at her speed.  I want to be prepared to offer her options but the speed at which she does things will be up to her.  Patience has been mentioned and I think what I am trying to do is to be prepared to offer her a variety of options and then will try to be patient as she chooses what she wants to do and how she wants to do it.  My girl is no shrinking violet so I imagine she'll be working hard to settle in AND she'll let me know what she wants to do and doesn't want to do.

We've discussed all of the above already and our communication will continue.  She should feel involved with this planning phase as well...


Ummm... I said I was only going to post a few short things but it's ended up being a doozey.  There's a lot of things on my mind because I'm in the planning phase like you too.  We have a bit of a unique situation that has sped up our thinking and I'm sure there are things I'm missing.

I think the most important thing is making sure you have an open and harmonious communication style with your girl.  Compatibility can only get you so far I suspect... commitment to making things work will define the level of success you achieve.

All the best,

Kuna

Kuna,

You know...  I think you should put a little more thought into this.  Just winging it on a whim will not do.  Dude...  wake up...  this is just not enough!  Blahahha...  Just kidding of course!  Seriously I thought I made a lot of preparations but now I know I still have a lot of work to do; and also to strive for.  I doubt I will even come close to achieving such a complete list as yours.

I commend you Kuna for your effort and thank you for your input.  Don't forget the basics.  (Holding hands, a long back rub, a nice bath by candle light.)

Thanks again.  What a great list!

- Dave

[Kuna]

Don't forget the basics.  (Holding hands, a long back rub, a nice bath by candle light.)

Maxxum,

I love back rubs so I won't forget that...  but I do't need candle light when I'm bathing.. I'll be happy if she keeps the beer and chips coming!  (kidding)...

Kuna

[timothe]

Excellent thread topic!  Hits me right where I'm at.  (And PhotoGuy, your post is hilarious)

Here are some of the thoughts I'm having right now:

1.  Mental - how did you mentally prepare?
I knew going into this if I was not already  mentally prepared to completely change my 39 years of bachelor ways, then I would have never gotten back together with my ladyfriend.  I knew what it meant when we began communicating again after 18 months that it was my decision to either go through with what we had intended before or let her go completely.  Maybe I have begun to domesticate myself in preparation as I don't go out nearly as often as I used to.

2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally?
I don't think there is any way for me to be sure of this.  My attitude changes often and so does the attitude of my ladyfriend.  My years of therapy has taught me that no one has power over me unless I let them, so I hope that I will be able to be calm when she is frantic and vice versa.   

3.  Financially - mostly for men...  and I break this into two categories:
  3.A.  - How and when did you plan for the expense of marriage
I am putting away money now to prepare for her arrival.  My ladyfriend and I have talked about this already and we've decided that there are more important things than a big expensive wedding and honeymoon.  (Like a home of our own, clothes, new furniture, home decorations, etc.)  I live in a nice apartment now but it is not furnished for a family.  And I still have to visit her again, which is going to cost at least 2k. 

  3.B.  - What and how are you willing to share (financially) with your new wife?
I don't own enough assets to consult with an attorney.  I am not concerned about my exposure at all. 

4.  Physically - Same as Kuna.  Diet and exercise.  I want to look good when I see my ladyfriend again in May.  Also, proper mix of work and sleep, but I've been doing that for a while.

5.  Socially -  How will your friends adjust to the change?  Are they aware?
My friends are aware, but my family is not.  I will tell my family after my next trip.

6.  Religiously - My spirituality is based on 12 step recovery and my ladyfriend knows about my situation completely.  I look forward to introducing her to my friends who share my way of life.  She has a degree in psychology and she has been able to understand and accept my way of life.  It's kinda neat, actually.

7.  Living area (house, etc) Again, we're hoping to buy something soon after we get married.  I do NOT plan on a big spring cleaning prior to her arrival and I told her as much.  Since she is going to be home without much to do initially, I'll let her put her pretty little mind to work on creating the home she wants to live in.  I sent her pictures of every room so she can start planning now.  (However, I WILL rip down the first old tapestry type rug she tries to tack to the wall.  ) Like Kuna, I'll probably clean the carpets and wash down the cupboards in the kitchen.

8.  Last but certainly not least...  FAMILY.  I don't have any children, so I'm more concerned with her 13yr old daughter.  She's starting to act like a teenager and I'm not exactly sure how she will react to me on a daily basis.  We got along great when she was 10.  But I know I will not tolerate her taking advantage of her mother which she is already beginning to do.  Of all the issues mentioned, this one is the one that I have the least control over.   

[MaxxumUSA]

Ok...

So I mentioned I would put what I have done (And doing) to prepare for marriage.

NOW... Remember from my initial story in trip reports...  I only started seeking a woman abroad Christmas 2006 (yes, engaged already)  so while some of this may be geared toward a RW some are things I have just done to ready my life for a potential wife.

A little about me: I'm 38 years old.  I separated from my ex-wife in 1995.  We have one child together, a boy.  I was awarded custody of him in 2002.  (She had issues that I won't get into here.)  My son is with his mother almost every weekend for her visitation.

In 1998 I started getting serious about wanting a wife.  When I was awarded custody of my son...  I really got off my ass and started to make changes.  I realized all decisions in my life affected me and my son as a family unit.  So I have tried to make decisions based on that.

So:  Here's what I did:
1.  Mental - how did you mentally prepare?
   I had to come to the realization that I am not always right and that the world does not center around my needs and wants.  Family comes first, home second, toys after.  Also had to understand it is OK to lose a battle.  Somebody told me once:  "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?!"

   Of course going out and partying will be done pretty much only WITH her.  I refuse to be the guy that makes his wife wait home for him late at night.  I will never do that to a woman as I don't want it done to me.

2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally?
   I am able to give and receive emotionally very well.  My problem was finding a woman who can communicate on this level.  So for me this topic was more just me being patient and waiting to meet a woman I am emotionally compatible with.


3.  Financially - mostly for men...  and I break this into two categories:

  3.A.  - How and when did you plan for the expense of marriage
    When I first got custody of my son in 2002, I was making near 6 figures working for somebody else.  Financially I was still a mess because I lived my life as a bachelor and was careless.  Also I worked 60-70 hours per week in a high stress senior level position.
    I realized that I needed different work.  Not only for my son, but for my future wife.   I quit my high stress job and gave up my high spending lifestyle.  I took a job making 1/2 the money with less stress and my life immediately improved.  Within a year or so I started my own business because I realized that no boss would truly pay me the money I wanted to make and no boss would let me work the hours I wanted to work.
   I currently work from home making at least double what I ever made for any company.  I also only work a couple hours a day.  This allows me plenty of time for a potential wife, and also my son.

  3.B.  - What and how are you willing to share (financially) with your new wife?
   This is simple for me.  What is mine, is hers.  Yes...  I have many assets (And toys).  I will not request a pre-nup.   I have been very selective in my search so I feel confident this is going to last.  If not, I will deal with it at that time.  Until then I will share everything I have.

4.  Physically -
   I quit smoking.  If my body gets out of shape I snap it back into shape.  Also - I selected a woman that I am physically attracted to.  (And sexually compatible)

5.  Socially -  How will your friends adjust to the change?  Are they aware?
   Some have made jokes and think I'm nuts about wanting a wife at all.  Especially a woman from abraod!   So basically I believe some friends will no longer be part of my life.  Others I know will welcome her with open arms.  It's simple for me in this case.  My wife will come first.  Together I am sure we will have many new friends - probably couples.  I know she will have new girlfriends which of course I will encourage.  I do know OF a few men in my area who have russian wives.  I hope we will be able to connect after mine arrives.

6.  Religiously -
  Neither one of us are religious but we both believe in God.  I think we're compatible here.

7.  Living area (house, etc)
  Right now I have a small but beautiful 3 bedroom home in a nice neighborhood.  She can change whatever she wants.  The place definitely needs a woman's touch!  In the near future after our marriage I am open to finding a new home together.  I would prefer a larger home because I work from home.  I want to have my own work quarters a little more separate from the living spaces.  Currently my office is sort of in my living room.  This is ok for just me...  but with a wife around we would be in the same room nearly 24/7.  I think we will at least need a little breathing room.

8.  Last but certainly not least...  FAMILY.
   My family is great.  I'm the oldest of four children and my mother lives close to me.  I am sort of the father figure to all of us, including my mother.  My family is aware of her.  My mother and son have both talked with Elena on the webcam.  I don't see any problems at all.  My (married) sister lives 5 minutes away and they are similar age.  I hope they will connect on some level.

Kuna added some things:

Keeping her busy:
Umm...  I hate to say it...  but I am NOT planning a huge spring clean up before she arrives.  I think we can do this as a team.  I do have a housekeeper that takes care of most things around here.  My new wife can give direction and help make decisions.  These organizational issues are things I am not good with and I hope she will enjoy helping me where I am weak.  I hope she will become the queen and take charge of the household so to speak.

Educational:
There is a community college near by.  She can take ESL courses there if she chooses.  She will have the freedom to pursue whatever she wants for school or work.

Employment:
I have prepared my life such that she does not NEED to work.  I hope she will enjoy a lifestyle of just being my partner.  Maybe even helping me out with my business.  If this proves to not be her thing we will deal with it at that time.

Car:
I have had two new vehicles as a single man for a few years now.  One four wheeler and one sporty car.  We can switch it up.  I only need the SUV when towing one of the toys.

I certainly learned a lot by starting this thread.  I am wondering what some women think about all this.

- Dave

[BillyB]

1.  Mental - how did you mentally prepare? I figured out my weakness, lust, and wrote to hundreds of beautiful women so I can focus on their character, not their photo. I didn't put up with crap, self-centered women, or women who didn't give me the effort in correspondence I want. I wasn't forced to compromise my requirements of a woman since I had plenty of women to choose from.

2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally? .Well... IMHO, I'm capable of receiving emotions from a woman and giving emotions without going overboard like a girly man

3.  Financially - mostly for men...  and I break this into two categories:
  3.A.  - How and when did you plan for the expense of marriage. My fiancee and I planned for the expense of the wedding after we got engaged.

  3.B.  - What and how are you willing to share (financially) with your new wife?I seen what my fiancee owns and knows what she makes. She does not by a lot of unnecessary things and doesn't even own a cell phone. She is more conservative than I and I'd trust her to run the family's financee's. She may even save me money!

4.  Physically - ???I like to stay physically fit and she takes enough showers for my taste.

5.  Socially -  How will your friends adjust to the change?  Are they aware?They occasionally ask how's she's doing and send their greeting through me to her. She does the same to them. They are anxious to meet her.

6.  Religiously - ???We both believe in God but we're not fanatics. I don't try to mold her into what I think she should be and she doesn't try to mold me either.

7.  Living area (house, etc)I took photos of outside and inside for my fiancee to see. She gets to decorate the house any way she wants as long as she doesn't have me re-arraign the furniture every week.

8.  Last but certainly not least...  FAMILY.  What family are we taking about? My family will accept Natalia just fine. Our family matters have been discussed. She told me I get to make the decisions and she will put her trust in my hands and will try her best to please me. One nice thing about that is that we've never been in an argument and I'm suspecting she's incapable of getting angry. Kids will come later after she gets higher education and she wants to work. I'll support her in what she wants as long as she makes an effort for it. I told her she could make as many friends as she wants and invite them to our home as long as she doesn't bring trash into our home.

[Photo Guy]

First of all, I think you two should be more fanatical about religion.

But seriously,  I question your statement that she is incapable of
getting angry. That's scary. It means her anger will become
bottled up inside and could be a big problem further down
the road. Can she express any negative emotions at all?
Disappointment? Sadness? Indigestion? ...hey, just food for thought.

[BillyB]

 Can she express any negative emotions at all?
Disappointment? Sadness? Indigestion? ...hey, just food for thought.

Natalia has displayed all three of those. But she's not the type to throw temper tantrums. She's one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met. Sweet ladies don't blow a gasket often and start screaming over their displeasure about something.

[dwfunk]

2.  Emotional - how did you make sure you are capable of receiving and giving emotionally?

I sat myself down and took a good hard look at my past failures and determined where I had failed and what I could/should have done.  Not rationalize them, but really honestly acknowledge to myself what I did wrong, where I failed, what did I do or not do and should have. Then I took steps to correct those areas I found to be lacking. 

Next I determined that even if I did things "right" and she did things "wrong" I would not give up and would found out how to make the situation better.  It's like you've read the self-help book and she hasn't, so how do you get her to learn the things she needs to learn, kind of thing.  Make a decision to keep on going. 

The Mars/Venus book was an enormous help in understanding male/female relationships and interactions.  Sometimes we know we have a specific behaviour but don't understand why, how, or where that behaviour comes from.  It was here that I learned perhaps most couples biggest mistakes, I know it was ours/mine: Husband AND wife MUST come first.  If you two do not have a solid relationship, nothing else will work.  Then comes the kids, then the house, then the toys, then other things, including extended family, Churches, clubs, etc.

Patience, really, really acknowledge how much patience do you really have.  And get more . . .


------
David & Natalia
Republic of Texas/Moscow, Russia
УЛ. КОНЕНКОВА
16th World Spacemodeling Championships

[Todd]

One thing that I might have done sooner is plan on purchasing a new bed during the first week you are together.  I know people here would say that you should buy a new bed prior to her coming, but I think both people have
to agree as you will be spending more time there than anywhere else.  Also, it is a fun couple building activity.  While finances might differ, I would estimate that since your wife won't be working during the first six months to 1 year that you should plan on about $1,500 per month more in personal expenses.  (I live in the Boston; if you live in Nebraska, then these costs might be lower.)

[Jazzyclassy]

Dear Maxxim

my point is the following , it is impossible to be prepared for marriage fully for 100% cos it is just should be natural and come from your up bringing, am sorry if your parents did not tell you , show you that it is important to take care of the other person, to understand the other person's opinion, to consider the needs of the other person , simply to be thoughtful , then no age will help you , even if you are 100 y.o but with selfish attitude to life then you are not ready for marriage for sure
Of course it is compromise in many cases, but at the same time it is very important to express your personal point of view  in that light that your partner would appreciate it and respect it too, do not try to sacrifice everything for her, otherwise she will simply sit on your neck and do what she wants...... maybe she already did that ( just a thought)

Yes it is patience , but after patience comes humility which is great to my mind, but it never should be irritated feelings, marriage it is a very serious step , and though I am not married and do not know if I ever will be...... but I judge by my parents experience, they are still together and my great example of a couple being understanding, respectful, loving , accepting each other how they are,  which is very important , but this only comes after you love the person very very passionately and accept him or her with all  his /her flaws and lacks , I consider it to be the greatest utmost of love , if I may put it so

well it is difficult to be prepared to marriage, if you are a lonely wolf by your nature , it will be very hard for you to actually adopt to somebody else living  in your house with you.......

[El Rock]

Dear Maxxim

my point is the following , it is impossible to be prepared for marriage fully for 100% cos it is just should be natural and come from your up bringing, am sorry if your parents did not tell you , show you that it is important to take care of the other person, to understand the other person's opinion, to consider the needs of the other person , simply to be thoughtful , then no age will help you , even if you are 100 y.o but with selfish attitude to life then you are not ready for marriage for sure
Of course it is compromise in many cases, but at the same time it is very important to express your personal point of view  in that light that your partner would appreciate it and respect it too, do not try to sacrifice everything for her, otherwise she will simply sit on your neck and do what she wants...... maybe she already did that ( just a thought)

Yes it is patience , but after patience comes humility which is great to my mind, but it never should be irritated feelings, marriage it is a very serious step , and though I am not married and do not know if I ever will be...... but I judge by my parents experience, they are still together and my great example of a couple being understanding, respectful, loving , accepting each other how they are,  which is very important , but this only comes after you love the person very very passionately and accept him or her with all  his /her flaws and lacks , I consider it to be the greatest utmost of love , if I may put it so

well it is difficult to be prepared to marriage, if you are a lonely wolf by your nature , it will be very hard for you to actually adopt to somebody else living  in your house with you.......

Your 15 minutes is up

[Jazzyclassy]

Your 15 minutes is up

for you those minutes are up long time ago.......

if you do not know what to say here stop quoting me for no reason