Overcoming the language barrier

[Dan C.]

    So how do you get to know a person well enough to marry her when there is a language barrier?  Obviously when you take a trip there is an interpreter, but my limited experience with interpreters in other settings is that they may not always fully or correctly interpret what is being said.  In the case of a potential relationship, this is very important.

     I realize too that some RW/UW's speak some English, which certainly helps, and some men on this site went to the trouble of learning some Russian.  

     So for those of you who found someone, how did you overcome the language barrier enough to know you wanted to marry someone?  (and vice-versa for her?)


Dan C.

[Kuna]

Dan,

This was my biggest fear about the pursuit.

My solution was to meet only girls that had good English and then I would have more confidence in the communication we were having.

I think the other option is to find someone who you share a mutual attraction with and then take your time to get to know her.  While you're going through that "getting to know you" phase you probably should encourage her (and pay) to tke English lessons.

If my girl didn't have adequate English I know it would have taken much longer to build confidence.  many men do take the other path though.

Just my thoughts!

Kuna

[I/O]

So for those of you who found someone, how did you overcome the language barrier enough to know you wanted to marry someone?  (and vice-versa for her?) Dan C.

The short answer for me was, very very slowly. This is an area that IMHO many approach far too flippantly.  Of course the usual debate will ensue about whether or not to search for someone who speaks reasonable English.  My view is that it is a no brainer, find someone who speaks reasonable English (Or your native language) and the process is simplified greatly. 

Having reached the stage where a wedding is in the not too distant future and by then having taken approximately two years from initial contact, which is almost pushing it a little with the language difficulties, I DO NOT recommend this to anyone.  I wouldn't change our journey for anything in the world, but practically speaking, if you have a choice, find someone with whom you have some common language.

To the question of how to overcome the issue, hours and hours and hundreds of hours translating and writing and speaking and watching and and and and......................It is simply HARD work and you will BOTH require extreme patience.  I can tell anyone from experience, when the one you care most about falls into your arms shedding tears of complete frustration, simply because she cannot explain something simple she wishes to, is one of the most heart wrenching experiences.   It's a very tough "Row to Hoe".  For those starting out, I would strongly suggest they lean their preferences to someone with whom they have common language, there is simply no downside.

I/O

[Lily]

As a Russian woman, I think there are no excuse for FSU people not to learn languages, if they want to improve their lives in any aspects.

[Mir]

It is quite obvious that sharing a common language is a big advantage.
In a previous discusion on this board there were a few members who thought that not sharing a language also has its merits!

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(Henry Youngman)

[DKMM]

From the other side, let me put it this way.  I studied Russian for 3 years at the college level.  It gets me about 2 minutes into a conversation with a girl before i "hit the wall" so to speak.  So her learning English is the only way unless you are going to move there.

[jb]

So how do you get to know a person well enough to marry her when there is a language barrier?

The bottom line is,,, you can't. 

You cannot "know a person well enough to marry", if you cannot talk to them well enough (without the aid of an interpreter) to draw complex thought pictures in each other's minds.  To think otherwise is to delude yourself into thinking you can build a happy marriage with a total stranger. 

This bit of logic will disturb and anger the "just go for it" cheerleader section who say anything is possible and recommend you throw caution to the wind.  Anytime you get advice like that you should look to see who is doing the advising.  Is it coming from a long term married guy, or another newbie still involved in the search mode? 

[Gator]

DanC,

If you pursue this it will take much more time (calendar time and effort) than with a fluent RW to understand her and your relationship.  Do you have the time? 

After this long period of time you may discover serious differences between the two of you or at least some major questions, i. e. red flags.  Will you ignore these red flags because you have so much time invested?  Or will you be a man who recognizes the need to start again with a different woman?   

[Jazzyclassy]

There is no barrier really

 am telling as a future struggling interpreter ahhaha I will get there

I can tell it is just some psychological barrier mostly , if  a person knows at least something he /she can communicate I had such case when I was introducing my boy to my friends,  was a very funny situation and an awkward one too,

My best friend she knew my boy from his previous visit and this time we went out with her hubby , my friend she is studying english so desperately and is ready to have translator degree( hmhm.......) her hubby speaks absolutely elementary english plus with mistakes, and you know what he was talking with my boy just so passionately showing things on fingers asking me some words trying to remember the words from his mind , so that was really great he did his best! my boy appreciated that a lot:) while his wife , my best friend did not spoke a word  at all , all she said was: I am shy to talk ......... the person who is going to have a translator degree  hmhmhmh am coughing here hahaha
My boy was like well that could not justify her that she was shy ,  she never even tried to talk , he told that he would never ever laughed at her , would just help her that is all.

and  I also want to support I/O and his wonderful partner   to my mind they are an amazing couple and if they had this language barrier , now it is non existant , its gone cos again it is not about the knowledge problem (of course you need to speak speak talk read listen learn  that is how to learn any language that is just stupidly learning by heart all the words:) it is some psychological  relation problem well to my mind.

I remember when at school we had an english teacher a real english guy from Wales:))  woohoo he was hot amazing and all the girls were in love with him  , but that is not about his sexuality, what he did  he just simply  helped us to overcome this barrier , he told us never to fear while speaking , and we just talked on every possible topic and learnt some slang and useful words:)
 so while speaking just forget about the fear and uncomfortable feeling, no matter if you make mistakes just trust this person you talk with gotta be opened if you want to communicate with international people, that is natural:)

am using the chance to say hello and all the best wishes to Mr. Samuel Jones (Sammy) also to  Mr. Fred Dirman(Fredie:)) english teachers at my former school:) I think they  are still living in Moscow btw:P

[KenC]

Jazzy,
You have given wonderful examples of situations where the people had at least some knowledge of the English language.  Having a pleasant conversation on casual subjects is also a lot different than making life altering decisions based on one's interpretation of another's sincerity or true feelings.  These are decisions that are most difficult even when the couple speaks a common language.  Of course it also depends on how deep a relationship one desires before jumping into marriage.  For me, I wouldn't consider it without understanding my future wife's most inner thoughts and you cannot learn those through hand signals and charades.  JB and Gator are right on the money with their thoughts.
KenC

[Wayne B]

Dan, I have been going through this tuff process for some time now and next month God willing....I will be going back to the Ukraine to visit with Anna and her family and then Anna and I will be coming back to Texas! Anna has been taking English lessons twice a week for about 8 months now...and it is very difficult for her to learn but she does quite well. The thing is, she is learning 'Proper English' and I live south of I10 (interstate) and less than 20 miles from the Louisianna border!  Here the word 'dog' sounds like dawg With our southern draw, we shred 'Proper English' apart!  This past January 07. I stayed with Anna and her mom and to say the least it was a 'trip' for me.... Her mom knows very little English and Anna is learning and my Russian is on the pre-k level....so much of my time there I felt left out of most conversations but, we manage to communicate and I know that we love each other and we will have to work very hard together to have success and I believe in my heart that we will succeed!!!!   Oh yea...I by mistake came back into their apartment, after stepping out side for a minute with my boots on.....Mama tore me a new a$$ quick   in Russian....but I understood

[catzenmouse]

Wayne,

 When she gets here you can help her out with your family and friends by asking them to speak clearly and without slang until she starts to catch on to the accent. There is nothing you can do with the general public except be with her and explain to her what people are saying.

 First time we went to a restaurant in Virginia the waitress comes up with her " Hi, I'm <whatever name it was> I'll be your waitress today can I get you anything to drink?" Elena told me after she left to get our drinks that she did not understand a single word the girl said. It does come with time and exposure but for awhile you'll have to be the translator to turn Southern into English for her.

Ken

[MaxxumUSA]

    So how do you get to know a person well enough to marry her when there is a language barrier?  Obviously when you take a trip there is an interpreter, but my limited experience with interpreters in other settings is that they may not always fully or correctly interpret what is being said.  In the case of a potential relationship, this is very important.

     I realize too that some RW/UW's speak some English, which certainly helps, and some men on this site went to the trouble of learning some Russian.  

     So for those of you who found someone, how did you overcome the language barrier enough to know you wanted to marry someone?  (and vice-versa for her?)


Dan C.

Dan,

Not sure if you read my story.  Basically I started searching worldwide for a good woman Christmas 2006, met a potential via skype Jan 2, and bought my plane tickets Jan 7, 2007.  About 2 weeks after I even considered this endeavor.  My point being I did not give language much thought.

I remember on our first skype conversation me telling her this would be a true test because of the language barrier.  We talked verbally and with text.  I let her type in russian and I used translate.ru to translate back and forth with skype.  We also talked.

I found that she knew A LOT of english.  The problem was she did not understand me because I speak AMERICAN - not english.  We struggled until I arrived for my visit on Feb 2nd.

Now after my arrival she began to understand me much more.  Communication is very much about body language and facial expressions.  We also connected physically in a big way.  And...  I believe our physical connection helped us understand each other immensly.  Yes... I'm referring to sex.

We were able to have informal conversations throughout my visit.  A few times we wanted to talk about serious matters.  During the serious conversations we turned the computer on, she sat on my lap, and we typed to each other through the computer/translator software.

We still communicate like this to this day.  She is in russia and I am in USA so we use webcams through skype and when we don't understand each other we simply type to translate.  She is becomming better and better in spoken english (American) and I am becomming quite good at translating to and from russian written language.

We make it work.  And...  we do plan to marry already.  Even with the language barrier we have discussed very serious matters such as when children will come, where we will live, who will do this and that, how we feel about intimacy, family, religion, and many other topics.

It does take patience because sometimes we need to wait to talk about matters until we are both able to use the translation software.  This is a pain sometimes when we disagree about something.  In a way it's good because we have a little cool down and think about it time before we just blurt out some crap about the situation.  I kind of like this part.

In any case...  good luck to you.

- Dave

[Jazzyclassy]

my post is down there

[Jazzyclassy]

You see Dan C.

another nice story from Dave

there is no barrier

it is all about people and their true feelings and ability to communicate to trust and to understand in that spiritual way:)

[Wayne B]

Ken, thank you for the support....really

[Mir]

a real english guy from Wales

? Samuel Jones

JC

Welsh are not real English

[BC]

You see Dan C.

another nice story from Dave

there is no barrier

it is all about people and their true feelings and ability to communicate to trust and to understand in that spiritual way:)

Yess...

While dating my wife and I had very little problem communicating (on a scale of 10 she was a good 7 if not more).  Communications problems first appeared after we were married.

Beware.

[jb]

You see Dan C.
another nice story from Dave
there is no barrier
it is all about people and their true feelings and ability to communicate to trust and to understand in that spiritual way:)

I see the Rah-Rah cheerleader squad has a new member.  Once again,,, advice from someone who hasn't been there yet.

Putting together a cross cultural marriage is hard enough when you have a common language, trying to do it without a method of saying what is on your mind is extraordinarily difficult under the very best of circumstances.   Dave has somehow figured out how to tell his girlfriend when he wants sex,,, what's he gonna do when he has to talk politics or religion?  Or even,,, what color do you want to paint the bathroom walls?   I don't think you can do that with body language and hand signs.   You guys really need to get comfortable with the notion that you will need a common language before you get married.

[funkola]

I found myself in a position one time where I was the only English speaking person within a group of mercenaries who spoke zero English. My life depended on communication. We worked it out over a period of two months so it can be done. Personally I do not run from a challenge such as language barrier. Determined people can get their point made about ANYTHING. Just because one person can't doesn't mean another won't.

[IAmZon]

It is almost foolhardy not to agree with JB on this score.  Providing that the man does not speak ANY Russian, and the Women does NOT speak any English. As these points draw to the center (especially the RW learning English, I see in most cases), this point becomes less and less generally applied.

In some cases, where communication does exists, but is a struggle ... the EFFORT that is REQUIRED may create a better glue than in the cases where two speak the same language.

We reap what we sow.  If two must invest great care and effort to form a union, that is neither good, or bad - it just hard.  It is wise to see the immense difficulty associated with this adventure, however.

Newbies must check the rose colored glasses at the door.

[funkola]

I think we have a few people who cower at every opportunity to accept a challenge and grow. If you seek the negative in anything you will probably find it. IF you and your woman are intelligent you will give each other the benefit of the doubt and work through things. If you are cantankerous @sshole and don't have the patience for it then buy a love doll. Dan has provided you with a link in another thread 

[Wayne B]

The bottom line is,,, you can't. 

You cannot "know a person well enough to marry", if you cannot talk to them well enough (without the aid of an interpreter) to draw complex thought pictures in each other's minds.  To think otherwise is to delude yourself into thinking you can build a happy marriage with a total stranger. 

This bit of logic will disturb and anger the "just go for it" cheerleader section who say anything is possible and recommend you throw caution to the wind.  Anytime you get advice like that you should look to see who is doing the advising.  Is it coming from a long term married guy, or another newbie still involved in the search mode? 

jb, can you date a woman for 3 yrs from your own town...marry her for 13 yrs and deside to get a divorce because she thought that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence....while she was having an affair with a coach from the school that she worked at???? So re-read your post here....because evedently you do not have a f-n clue what you are talking about? and with the avitar that you have, made me question anything that you may have to say? So tell me what you know?

[jb]

Wayne,

I DO know that if you marry a woman you cannot talk to you are a fool.  What else do you need to know?  I have no experience with a cheating wife with the local high school football coach, etc., that isn't/wasn't my problem  It seems it may be yours... Perhaps you need to get over these problems before you try to find a new wife if the memory is still so painful that you need to bring it up here.

Most guys kinda like my avatar,,, if you have a problem with it, maybe you have some other sexual hang ups that will need to be addressed before you go wife hunting.

I think your attack was unwarranted.

[Wayne B]

jb, I am engaged to a Ukrainian woman....She will have her interview on the 28th of March 07. I will go there in April to visit her and her family before we come back to Texas, God willing! My past is that...the past...but, you give advise on something that you cannot prove? or can you?  calling me a fool...I guess we are even now.