I MADE THE WRONG CHOICE

[Bruce]

Gator, well written.  Back to the drawing board - but look forward to the new adventures.  One door you liked has closed, but a bigger, greater door has opened.  Best of luck.  By the way, there is much merit to the inference Momus made above.  Still, the FSU is a very big place and when you think about it a 60+ guy should be able to find a super 40+ gal which makes more sense then the 60+ guy with the approximately 25 year old gal.

[Momus]

Momus
Your assessment of male preferences may be true but is nothing to be proud of

It's biological fact, of course it's nothing to be proud of. Are you proud of your appendix?

It's nothing to be ashamed of, either. Unlike the good old days (say, the last few million years up until we started to cool out and settle down a little about 12,000 years ago) we've at least evolved to the point where it isn't the only thing that matters. But as Lily suggests, it's not like you can just wish it away with liberal sentiment.

[Mir]

Are you proud of your appendix?

Of course I am, its the best appendix in the world

[jb]

Phil, Bucky, and Gator,   

All I can say is; "sorry old chum".  I will say it is not unexpected and I think you intuitively knew the answers all along.  You have many times in past posts mentioned how difficult the woman of the Don was to figure out.   I always wondered who would give in, or who would give up.  I sincerely doubt the age difference had anything to do with this not working out.  A 42 y.o. woman with a couple of kids is not going to become anymore mature with the passing of a few more years.  I think she is more guided by her past experiences and her earlier training.  I suspect in this case she was simply fearful of the unknown and perhaps also recognized the difficulties she would face in learning a new lifestyle, culture, and language.   She has probably been weighing her options in her mind, and getting input from her friends and others she trusts, and you came up on the short end of the list.  Your long list of incompatabilities is, IMHO,  pure BS.   If she had been convinced of the certainty of the other variables, she would have eagerly toured the sights with you, sat through any opera, walked any dusty trail, and climbed any church tower at your side.  That's what women do if they are really in love with their man.

My best advice to you is to clear your head, and get back on the horse as soon as you feel ready.  You are not getting any younger.
Contrary to the thoughts of JC and Lily, I don't think a man in his early 60's is playing too far out of his league when dating women in their 40's.  Personally, I think any right thinking woman of that age would be crazy not to give you serious consideration.

BTW, I think those who believe a beautiful woman of 42 is at the last stop on the train ride of life are sadly mistaken.  Beautiful women always have other options.  In this case, she just chose another option.

[Momus]

BTW, I think those who believe a beautiful woman of 42 is at the last stop on the train ride of life are sadly mistaken.

You must be talking about me, but I didn't say that! At least, not exactly. I think a woman in her late 40s or early 50s who loses her husband is statistically unlikely to remarry. That's all I'm saying -- but I'm really talking way out of my experiential comfort zone here, so I'm gonna STFU now. 

[Jazzyclassy]

I mean dear Gator

believe me decent young girl wont be with you cos she is not a user

some crazy doubtful ones will be with you , cos they are of different category

your lovely woman of 42  and the things that did not work out with her , happened  not because you never suited each other, it just happened , cos of situation and things, does not mean she never loved you , of course she did

Do not listen to people who are advising you going for young women , it wont help you , really

I am sure you will find a nice decent woman close to your age

[jb]

That said (gulp) is it possible that you should maybe look for a woman who is a little younger? This woman is 42, and as far as dating and marriage go, she's pretty much at the last station on the line. It ain't fair, but that's the way it is far more often than not.

I was thinking of this statement as I wrote that, and also taking into consideration that the Cossack woman is extraordinarily beautiful.  Gator has shared some photos with us, and in this case I don't think her beauty is subjective.  She is, quite simply put, a VERY beautiful woman, regardless of age.  Women like that always have other options.

I wouldn't advise Gator to chase a 20's girl, (a la T/G), and I think a woman in her 30's would be pushing the extremes.  Early to mid 40's feels about right for a guy like Gator.  Just my opinion of course, I could be wrong.

[Wayne B]

Gator, now you will just have to go back to a new FSU city.....and she is there....waiting for a good man, just like yourself......soon you will meet Mrs Gator

[Gator]

Hi Everyone,

You are a swell bunch of guys and a sweet tandem of gals, and I appreciate your kind and helpful comments.  Very uplifting.  I am glad no one is worrying, because I assure you that I will thrive. 

I also need to add that I am very happy for my times with the Cossack.  She is indeed a fantastic woman, very special and unique and desirable. All of our time together until the end was complete joy.   While I said “I chose the wrong woman”, I do not regret it.

Momus, I understand your point.  In fact, in her limited English, the Cossack seemed to question what would she do if something happened to me.   While our pre-nup would have provided for her financial security such that she would not need to work, maybe the emotional loss concerned her.  During our trip, she learned that an uncle about my age had died.  Who knows if this was the issue?  When someone does not speak your language, some profound questions go unanswered.

Momus, your suggestion to pursue a younger women is interesting and certainly goes against the grain.  My ex-fiancée was 30+ years younger than me, and her life after my death was never an issue.   The concern was more about our relationship as my body declined in accordance with laws of nature. 

JB is correct about my target age range for women.  I have met several lovely UW and RW in the 40-46 age group and 80% of them seemed to really like me.   Many had survived the difficult task of raising children as a single parent with limited income and now were looking to enjoy themselves.   Many of these had lived on their own for so long that they were as independent as AW (i. e., intolerant of anything possibly resembling  male BS). 

Lilly, you asked if I could have noticed some of the problems earlier.  The Cossack was a good definition of the expression “You will know if a RW likes you,”   so I was blinded by the affection and attention.  Yes, there were questions.  However, I tended to discount them as a combination of: 1) they seemed part of two people becoming adjusted to each other, 2) the fact that no one is perfect and she had other abundant wonderful qualities to compensate for her imperfections, and 3) our lack of serious communication did not enable an answer.  I had one major clue last July, and I chose to think that it was correctable.  Interesting, my ex-fiancée said then that the Cossack would be future trouble – her prediction became true.

Jazzy, you mention that a young woman would be a user.  Every relationship involves giving and taking.  If a woman only takes, she is a “user”.  And there are plenty of women at all ages (and men) who do exactly that.   Yes, a young woman will “take” from an older man, yet if she “gives”, she is not a user.

[Jazzyclassy]

Well dear Gator I meant she will be more of a user than an older woman for you , of course you knew what I meant

Cossak people are amazing people and they are very sincere in their actions.It is usually very hard for them to sweet lie to people  and try to tolerate the things they do not like.

It is a pity that you both failed in your relation but once again you can not just say it is so hard to be with Cossak women , no it is not hard, they are strong women  they require either strong men or weak men  but those weak men should not interfere and try to prove  that they are strong when they are  absolutely puppies am sorry........

 

[IAmZon]

I am NOT sorry for you.  I am happy for you.  (most AM would DIE - absolutely phucking die - to have had half the experiences you have already enjoyed.)

You have a particularly GREAT appetite for life that seems to not be diminishing.  You are an inspiration.  Your level headedness, and accurate perceptions are certainly a function of your maturity.  You are particularly youthful ... I think you bounce high when you fall. 

You know there will be someone to catch you. 

With your knowledge and persistence (and being familiar with the great generosity of women) that person likely will have a name like Svetlana; Ludmilla; or Tatiana.

Tell me: It is sweet is it not?  even in disappointment.

[ScottinCrimea]

I think it is wrong, to say as JC does, that you failed in your relationship.  I think closer to the truth is that you succeeded in your relationship but were unable to take it to the next level.  there is a subtle but important difference.

[Kuna]

I am NOT sorry for you.  I am happy for you.  (most AM would DIE - absolutely phucking die - to have had half the experiences you have already enjoyed.)

You have a particularly GREAT appetite for life that seems to not be diminishing.  You are an inspiration.  Your level headedness, and accurate perceptions are certainly a function of your maturity.  You are particularly youthful ... I think you bounce high when you fall. 

You know there will be someone to catch you. 

With your knowledge and persistence (and being familiar with the great generosity of women) that person likely will have a name like Svetlana; Ludmilla; or Tatiana.

Tell me: It is sweet is it not?  even in disappointment.

You are SUCH a marketer... but it's true!   

[TwoBitBandit]

Hey Gator,

Whatever your choice was, don't second-guess yourself.  If your intuition is giving you wierd vibes, you were correct to follow them.

Good luck to you, and get back on the horse when you're ready again...   

[Globetrotter]

Gator, you seem a very nice guy, smart, more cosmopolitan than American (a good thing), well traveled, and...well, smart.  I've always enjoyed your posts and comments although never answered one of them.  5 years is a long term relationship and many marriages never reach 5 years.  I'll bet you had a blast and learned much, which is a blessing, and another notch on the learning curve.

I'm now 56 and divorced for 15 years, been through the court system and don't want to go there again.  Personally I like girls closer to my age, and wouldn't ever push the envelope past 10-12 years.  But that's just my preference.  You know what's best for you, and when you go again, I think you'll also have a blast.  Like my Irish pal used to say, "It's a great life if you don't weaken."

Keep the shiny side up.

[Jazzyclassy]

I think it is wrong, to say as JC does, that you failed in your relationship.  I think closer to the truth is that you succeeded in your relationship but were unable to take it to the next level.  there is a subtle but important difference.

Oh well again knocks to language , failed and  not succeeded are the same thing

you just want to interact with me:PS Scott

I know Gator would never ever be offended on such definition

[CaptB]

Bucky,Gator,

Sorry to hear things did not work out. Your "cossack" seems to have many of the qualities of my ex in Tver. She had many good qualities. She was a great mother.....with a very nice daughter I was very attached to. She always seemed otimistic and willing to prepare for a life in the US...................................while we were together. But upon my return home.........eventually her motivation to learn English....among other things.....eventually became a low priority. When I returned.......and when we were in each others presence.....her motivation returned. The cycle continued. In the end......I determined she was just not into "me" enough. This is something that many guys fail to ever learn..........."you need to find a woman who is into "you"......as much as you are into "her".
It does'nt matter if you are a great guy, not hard to look at, good provider etc.  Attraction to yourself is something you can rarely change. You need only look at yourself. You are either attracted......or not attracted.......its personal.

My ex in Tver liked me enough........we had good times together. We enjoyed each others company.........we laughed alot. Many possitive things in that relationship..........and yes......it did'nt hurt that she was very beautiful. But life is short. I the end I had to face the fact that there was something missing. I made the decission to cut her loose...............not an easy decission....................but necessary. Best thing I ever did.

I met my (future) wife the following year. She is very cute and beautiful, great sense of humor, adventurous, athletic, intelligent, affectionate.........and the best companion. The relationship started quietly.........and steadily grew. Fortunately her English is excellent......we talked every day...............................and eventually discussed just about all subjects. When we actually met three months later.......we were like old friends. We enjoyed each others company.......just doing everyday things. I think eventually we took it for granted........we would be together...........always.

Yes my wife had a few (only a few) friends and relatives who were skeptics........even her female cousin (a doctor)......who said her engagement ring (modest classic solitare).............was probably a "cubic zirconia" (my wife said jealousy was rearing its ugly head). But my wife made up her own mind.........and when she did.......she jumped in with both feet..................and never looked back.

I don't thing you need to take vacations to foreign countries, go out every night to dinner, movies, night- clubs etc. When the chemistry is right.......I don't think it takes dozens of trips to determine if you are right for each other. It does make you more perceptive to finding the right partner.......if you have had more than a few relationships......especially with a few RW.......that did not work out. You cannot truly learn.......unless you experience failure. I was disappointed when my relationship did not work out with the woman in Tver. But I was also at a point in the learning curve......where I could embrace failure........as a tool to help recognize the "real deal"..........if it were ever to present itself to me. When I broke things off........I was hopeful........and possitive.......in a surprisingly shot time. I was "pumped".........to get back on the saddle.

Some guys take it too hard when they have only a few relationships with RW.....that did not work out. Yes.......there is alot of expense........and distance. But "3" (or 7, 10 etc) relationships..................................are only..........................3 relationships. I dated dozens and dozens of AW........but never beat myself up.......when things did'nt work-out. You could conceiveably date dozens of RW............before finding the right one.

The good thing about this process............is a discussioin board such as this one. The discussions about relationships in general........are equally helpful concerning either RW.......or AW........for that matter. In dating AW.........I don't think I ever had such "in-depth" discussions about relationships with other men........as we do here.......on this board.

I think the biggest improvement one can make in this process of finding a partner......is to learn to recognize "her" feelings...............for "you"...................and their depth.........or lack-of. "Your" feelings are only half of the puzzle........they cannot make-up part of hers. Only "she" can provide the other half....................and if that half is less than 100% of her share.........................you need to move on.

Bucky............I think you are one of the good guys. I think things will eventually work out.


Capt B

[Gator]

I really appreciate the comments here.  It has been a learning experience, but more important I had a wonderful time with her, and I would probably do it again because she is an incredible woman.   I can not imagine the joy if she had spoken English well.

After contemplating all of it, I realize that I have spent 5 years with two fantastic RW.   So remarkable are they, that it may be difficult for me to find an equivalent quickly, and I ain’t getting any younger.  Yes, I need to climb back onto the horse and start looking.

That is not the only bump in the road.  I really felt like the Cossack and I would go to the next level, as Scott phrased it, so I submitted a K-1 application for her two weeks prior to our trip together.   Yes, dumb in hindsight, but I wanted to speed the process to get her here before the Siberian winter.  It was a bold step but discussed ad nauseum with the Cossack via my interpreter. 

Now I must cancel the application.  It was my second K-1, meaning that I would have to do a K-3 unless I apply for a waiver under IMBRA.  A waiver could require a long time. 

[Jazzyclassy]

Dear Gator be strong everything will be amazing !Life is a wonderful thing

you will be so happy:) I predict:)

:angel: 

[Sohkay]

Gator,
I remember your thread about evaluating the two different women. My recurring thought as I read it was that you were headed down the path to failure. I was actually astounded that a man of your intelligence was asking members of an internet forum to contribute to his decision between two women. But I'm reminded that intelligence and common sense don't always go hand in hand.

And now you've gambled away your 2nd K-1. Gator, if your desire is to have a lifetime partner, you must recognize the flaws in your approach so far and STOP REPEATING THEM! You appear to be getting into a pattern of one mistake after another. Time for some harsh, kick-youself-in-the-popa self analysis. I think perhaps you are somehow trying to match up with an incorrect personality type for you. And this is coupled with an overly-understanding, too forgiving, almost obsequious attitude to the fairer sex. And then I see a dash of desperation thrown in.

As I read your comments on other's relationships, DK for instance, your credibility on relationship issues is colored accordingly. I think you need to focus on making your situation successful first.
 
I make these observations with nothing but your best interest in mind.

Good luck,
Sohkay
 

[Simoni]

Gator, I'd ignore the advice of the last poster.

What many don't realize is that you can do everything right in this venture, and still crash and burn.

There is a BIG element of luck involved.

Every married guy here will tell you how LUCKY they are to have the great wife they found.

So keep you head up, and keep on trucking! 

[BC]

Gator,

<-- tips his hat.

I'd say your experience was a success, believe it or not.

The fact that you took the time and effort to let things play out, and were still in condition to make tough choices says a lot.

Many, many impatient others were not so lucky..  then again, what does luck have to do with them.. 

You did just fine.

Cheers!

[DKMM]

CaptB thanks for the post, many of us can learn from that besides Gator.  Its kind of interesting how we do share our relationship exploits on this board, as I would never do with friends and family.  I bet many of us don't tell our friends and family about this board for that reason...

[BC]

And now you've gambled away your 2nd K-1. Gator, if your desire is to have a lifetime partner, you must recognize the flaws in your approach so far and STOP REPEATING THEM!

IIRC simply filing a K1 does not count as 'gambling away'..

Upon approval of a second visa petition for a fiance´ (e) or spouse filed by the same United States citizen petitioner, the petitioner will be notified by the Secretary that information concerning the petitioner has been entered into the multiple visa petitions tracking database.

William III might have more practical experience and expertise to add.

[jb]

IIRC, Gator has only filed one K-1,,, unless I'm sadly mistaken, he did not file for a K-1 for the Cossack.  He took her to Thailand instead.