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Author Topic: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?  (Read 4583 times)

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Offline jen

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Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« on: July 23, 2007, 08:14:32 AM »
In the thread on "Reactions from other people in your life," a few people (esp. groovlstk) commented on how after their marriage to a FSU woman, the people around them changed -- for example, long-time friends disappeared.

TigerPaws suggested this should be another thread, which I take to mean that some of you might have a lot more to say about this. So, anyone?

Offline catzenmouse

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2007, 08:29:05 AM »
Perhaps I am overly picky or maybe even restrictive in who I have ever called a friend. Those that I would say this about are still my (and our) friends. These people are very happy for us and have been delighted with Elena who they have found to be a warm, sweet, talented, and wonderful woman. They are correct in their assessment too!  :D

There have been a lot of what I would call acquaintances that would make a snide remark, have an attitude, or turn their nose up at our marriage. I've either put them in their place or ignored them depending on how much, if any, effort I wanted to exert on them at that particular time. Those people are pretty much meaningless in our lives and we take their comments for what they are worth. Nothing.


The only garbage that we got from my family were from the ones that I do not bother with and have since cut them off completely. I guess that would make me a hard @ss or a snob or whatever you want to call it. I feel that I (we) have much better things to do with our time and our lives than to try to educate those who have this attitude and belief system.

FWIW,
 Ken
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-- Louis K. Anspacher

Offline TigerPaws

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2007, 09:34:04 AM »
jen,

As I have already said I experienced a number of friends, business associates, long time hunting and fishing partners as well as some family members have difficulty with accepting my Russian bride. When my lady was first introduced to my family (and I have a very large extended family) there was general acceptance but the overriding question was why did I look to Russia for a wife. How could I explain to people who for the most part have never been outside of the U.S. who grew up during the cold war and believed the Soviet Union and Russia was the Evil Empire. My hope was that over time my family would come to understand who my lady was and see the differences but alas that was not to be for many of them.

As for the friends, business associates, hunting and fishing partners, things were more interesting, universally the men were curious and interested in who Victoria was and why she went looking for an American man. Their wife's all but ignored my wife, I would go as far as to say they did their best to avoid her whenever we arrived at a social function or came to one of ours. Over time we were no longer invited and many of those same people always seemed to have something else to do.

I did hear the occasional snide comment from someone's wife about my lady being a MOB and poor desperate thing but for the most part people politely faded away.

TigerPaws

Offline jen

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2007, 10:24:09 AM »
p.s. I just wanted to add that I am going to be visiting family for about a week and the connection they have there is AWFUL. So if I am relatively silent, please know that it is not because I am not interested in your comments!

Thanks for posts so far.

Jen

Offline KenC

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2007, 01:22:02 PM »
jen,
I think there is a correlation between how happy your friends are for you and their own happiness.  I have friends that are in happy long term marriages (to AW) and they were happy for Lena and I.  The women who were not happy in their current situation had to find fault in our union.  The guys that were not satisfied in their current status, were wondering how they too could pull it off.
KenC
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline Air Dog

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2007, 09:38:02 PM »
My friends and most of my family accepted my FSU wife without any problems; they were happy for me.  The one skeptic in my family changed her mind after she got to know my wife.  I never had anyone voice any concerns about marrying a former "enemy" even though I was in the military at the time of my marriage.

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2007, 12:52:41 PM »
This is a picture of my family....minus a grandson the same age as Basil.
Dick, Irina and Basil are at the left....Sarah, Miriam and John and my show off Chrisy and me at the right...(Chrisy is the baby we raised, that drowned last summer.)

Irina is a physicist & violinist and Basil (who is also a classical pianist) will follow her lead .... He enters Stanford University this fall. Irina's uncle is the mentor to the International Russian physics team... must be in the gens!

Miriam is a head accountant for a civil office....and is Italian.
John is an Unix engineer, and built and manages a wireless internet service along Colorado's front Range.

This was grandpas birthday a few years ago, and he took the picture!~

I have two older grandchildren, who were born to my American (ex) daughter-in-law...(who is an executive assistant in an operation for cleanup of old military ordinance.)

They are both in the twenties and are military....Jen is a Capt in the Air force...(finishing her dissertation for a PhD in Math) She works in intelligence.
Her brother "B" is a Marine recruiter, who did two tours in Iraq, and came home with shrapnel last trip, and a chest full of medals!

My other American (ex) daugter-in-law is working for a major Aircraft company in Robotics..... and her husband is in guidance systems.

These four women are all great women.....Not only as wives but as contributing members of society.

I am close to all three of these ladies....My sons are excellent judges of people... In todays world often lives move in differant directions, and adjustments have to be made whereby each can become the "Best they can be".....

It is amazing to me that all my extended family are friends!

But people move into and out of our lives, some for a short time, and others for a life time...But there is a purpose that each plays...

For that, I am profoundly thankful.....

Mamma D
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Mamma D

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2007, 12:58:04 PM »
 :)    :)   Age differences.....

Has anyone here, compared the age differences between the Presidential candidates .... and our American men ...and the great women they have chosen?

 8)
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,May He turn their ankles,
 So we will know them by their limping.

God put your arm about my shoulder... and your hand over my MOUTH!

Offline Admin

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2007, 01:13:46 PM »
I know this might be tangential - but it struck me as related to this topic in some ways.

Jen, I know you are looking for real-life experiences, rather than spend a lot of time on the hypothetical - BUT - take a peek at this article from CNN (http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/08/06/interracial.dating.ap/index.html).

It addresses the topic, heretofore taboo, of interracial dating/marriage in America. I could not help but wonder about the parallels that are driving African-American women to seek caucasian partners - and similar pressures affecting RW.

It also made me wonder about those who, in the past, were vocally (violently?) opposed to inter-racial marriage - and if some of the same sense of 'normalcy' might be the source for opposition to inter-cultural marriages.

Just thoughts.

As to your original question:

* My family has embraced Olya from the beginning. Perhaps it was recognition of the stark contrast she represented compared to my ex-wife, but in any case, they were quite warm from the beginning.

* The friends I had, with one very notable exception, remain friends with us today. The exception being a former friend and colleague (male) who became enamored of Olya - with some disastrous consequences. All other friends remain friends today.

- Dan

Offline jen

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Re: Changes in friends and family after your marriage?
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2007, 07:58:31 AM »
Hi Dan,

I took a look at that article, and how African-American women talked about why they are open to different kinds of men does have some parallels with the pressures RW describe. This is interesting...I agree with you that it is useful to step back from the specifically FSUW/AM issue to consider more broadly what some of the societal trends and pressures are that shape it, from both sides. Some surprising connections could come out of that.

Thanks for your thoughts, Mamma D.

Best wishes all, j.

 

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