Why is your marriage successful?

[Turboguy]

Thanks Jet.  I am getting the impression reading what has been written so far that if there is a common thread it is not English, age difference, work or children but more the attitude and ideas of those who succeed.  More or less a goal to make sure she does not feel trapped and dependent and to show that you have appreciated the very large sacrifice your wives have made.   That you all have made a 100% commitment to doing everything possible to make their struggle a little easier.  That you have made sure you knew and understood the sacrifices she was making.  I have the impression that you have made them feel that it was something you were both going through together.   Sometimes difficulties that two people go through together can create a much stronger bond.

It is an interesting thread.  I am looking forward to hearing more.

[jb]

I can say that in my case, I am absolutely sure that my wife is by my side because she chooses to be, not because I've put her into a situation where she feels dependent, trapped, or that she HAS to be.

That is an excellent point.   That was exactly my goal as well. 

I had forgotten about the trials and tribulations of teaching her to drive a car, endlessly being the go'fer, getting her diplomas evaluated, getting her credential-ed in the academic community, coaching her for the first interview for her initial teaching post,,, all of those things I did because I cared enough to set her free in my world.  The fact that she's still here after having the permanent green card for 3+ years and now in the citizenship process means she's by my side because she wants to be there.   I wouldn't have it any other way.

[catzenmouse]

Here are a few things that we did that are specific to this situation:

 - Taking time off work to take her to doctor appointments, ESL classes, shopping
 - Moving from the suburbs (actually we were country not suburb) closer to the city
 - Explaining and working with Credit, Debit, Savings, Retirement Plans, Car/House Payments
 - Teaching driving
 - Translating American English and Accents into an understandable form (okay, this one might happen with an AW if she came from the Mid-West and moved to Deep South)
 - Dealing with all the immigration BS and being at fault for their stupidity and ineptitude
 - Being there for anything, nothing, everything. Just being there
 - No matter what is happening, keeping in the front of your mind all that she has done and given up just to be with you. Nothing (IMO) can compare with that.

Ken

[I/O]

So here is the dilemma. She needs medical care, but cannot communicate with the docs. I get elected to be the 'official' go-between, which means I must attend, and translate, during a variety of medical procedures - most (all?) of which I have never seen before - or since.

That is clearly something I would not have done with any AW - and, at times, it made me feel acutely uncomfortable. Still, in all, I think it was also a bonding activity - but one I am happy she now speaks sufficient (excellent) English and I no longer need to translate for her.

- Dan

Dan:  Killing myself laughing as I have long since thought of this moment. Long since. I gotta admit it is not something I am looking forward to and with mine being sooooooooooooo modest as she is, it could be quite entertaining. (If you are a fly on the wall) I am having images of doctors lodging damages claims against me rather than the other way around which seems to be the norm these days.

JB: Just mulling on a point you made about manuals. Correct me if I am wrong, but IMO each has to build his/her own manual and that is what I hope to do, but whilst I have the opportunity to steal a few free points out of your's and other guys manuals, I am not about to miss that opportunity.

I have come to respect the generousity of the core group of what I would call "hardarses" here on RWD very much and believe me FWIW the information is very much appreciated.

I/O

[jb]

I see that T/G has once again injected into the thread the notion that "age difference" isn't a factor in long term success.

I'm not going to debate, yet again, this issue.  I will only state as clearly and concisely as possible, there must be more commonality between two people than not if the relationship is to survive for very long.  Things like similar goals, education, hobbies, a shared sense of humor, desire for family unity, etc.  The absence of common backgrounds is a sure and certain kiss of death to the marriage once the bloom is off the rose and only the thorns remain.  If you can see a future together 20 years down the road you might make it to 5, otherwise you are just spinning wheels and going no place fast.

[KenC]

When your RW arrives it is like raising a child (regardless of her age) only more difficult.  Like a child, she will be totally dependent upon you.  Unlike a child, she has not accumulated small bits of knowledge over time, but needs ALL the accumulated knowledge right this moment.  Keeping in mind you will have to walk a fine line between being her adviser and being her equal.  It is a frustrating time for her as she does not want to be so dependent and for you as it can be overwhelming.

Lena is a very bright woman, but she just didn't know what she didn't know when she arrived.  She had to be taught how to drive, find her way around the town, how to make a transaction at the grocery store, use debit cards/checkbook, to use the dishwasher, washer and dryer, the settings on the oven, to change the vacuum cleaner bag and where to buy replacements, to use the coffee maker, the cable TV system, our phone system......  She learned lightening fast and soon was telling me how to do all these things her way.  Seriously, I think you spend the first year explaining everything and the next year trying to stop yourself from explaining anything as it is an insult to her intelligence.

I can remember the early days of playing chauffeur for Lena as Jet explained.  Fortunately Lena had a driver license when she arrived.  She had no clue how to drive mind you, but had a license any way.  I think the smartest thing I did was to make her mobile very early on by teaching her to drive.
KenC

[I/O]

Sorry to go a little off topic, but I thought I might give you guys a giggle at my expense.  As I am reading and doing other things here tonight, I have most of the contents of the pantry scattered across my office benches and am in the process of translating all the names of various cooking condiments and cleaning products into Russian and sticking those on as labels......................then I saw the irony of this and the way it might be taken when she sees it. Not sure if my actions on this one are going to be seen as helpful, insulting or wishful thinking.

I/O

[jb]

Yep,,, I made the mistake of creating a temp conversion chart since our stove oven is calibrated in F, and she was used to C.  She saw it and asked how old I thought she was.  These are pretty smart gals, whatever you do, don't be condescending.

[KenC]

Sorry to go a little off topic, but I thought I might give you guys a giggle at my expense.  As I am reading and doing other things here tonight, I have most of the contents of the pantry scattered across my office benches and am in the process of translating all the names of various cooking condiments and cleaning products into Russian and sticking those on as labels......................then I saw the irony of this and the way it might be taken when she sees it. Not sure if my actions on this one are going to be seen as helpful, insulting or wishful thinking.

I/O

I/O,
Here in lies the problem, she will probably at first think it was an incredibly helpful task on your part and then be insulted by your lack of confidence in her ability to learn!  They do seem to go from inexperienced to expert in a heartbeat.
KenC

[I/O]

They do seem to go from inexperienced to expert in a heartbeat.
KenC

Similar to freshmen in this whole pursuit? (No don't answer that)

I/O

[BC]

Yeah, the trip to the gyno together.. we don't have a problem with it and neither does the doc. We still go together, all 'bez problem' and quite normalna. Delivery was pretty interesting too. The ob/gyn guy insisted I inspect his handywork.. 'See?.. just like new!'.

[BC]

Yep,,, I made the mistake of creating a temp conversion chart since our stove oven is calibrated in F, and she was used to C.  She saw it and asked how old I thought she was.  These are pretty smart gals, whatever you do, don't be condescending.

LOL!  I bet she used her head and you used a calculator!

[KenC]

Yep,,, I made the mistake of creating a temp conversion chart since our stove oven is calibrated in F, and she was used to C.  She saw it and asked how old I thought she was.  These are pretty smart gals, whatever you do, don't be condescending.

Damn!  I still think that is a good idea, jb.  Lena is no math wiz by any stretch of the imagination and she cooks everything on 400!  I cannot tell you how many times I crossed the line thinking I was doing something nice and got hammered for being condenscending!
KenC

[Wayne B]

I cannot add anything here today, other than saying that I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone on RWD... I do still, and I now miss you guys and gals very much....Anna, has met at the least 6 other Russian speaking Ladie's in our small city of Beaumont...For her, I think that this is of upmost importance.....I can see her smile, as she speaks with these women   This...I love......jb, yes, the temperature of the oven is....key to a good meal or a good meal done well

[catzenmouse]

Elena liked the temp conversion chart.

Wayne, who did you offend? No worries as you can see there has been a lot of offending going on lately so don't feel unique in that.

Ken

[BC]

Elena liked the temp conversion chart.

I guess I could have done one..

160C=160C
180C=180C
200C=200C
220C=220C

Did this all in my head..  smart cookie huh??

[Rvrwind]

Yep, BC, Math wiz extraordinarie!!!

[jb]

Since we got OT with the temp chart, let me add that RWs will likely come with some food prejudices.  I know that sounds funny when talking about a culture which eats those stinky dried fish they love so much, but my wife thought that corn was animal food and refused to eat it at first.  She is also not very fond of sweet potato (yam).   Luckily she does have a rather adventurous palate and will try almost anything.  (As long as it isn't spicy hot).

As everyone knows, to a RW, Paris is the center of the cultural world.  If you want her to try something new tell her it's French.  Not recommended for hot spicy Mexican food however.

[SANDRO43]

As everyone knows, to a RW, Paris is the center of the cultural world.

JB you're cruel, you've just given our Oz friends cause to pause and seriously reconsider their recent mating choices .

[BC]

Since we got OT with the temp chart, let me add that RWs will likely come with some food prejudices.  I know that sounds funny when talking about a culture which eats those stinky dried fish they love so much, but my wife thought that corn was animal food and refused to eat it at first.  She is also not very fond of sweet potato (yam).   Luckily she does have a rather adventurous palate and will try almost anything.  (As long as it isn't spicy hot).

Believe it or not, in the beginning my wife refused to eat pasta.. pretty much along the same lines as you stated (our dog ate a lot of pasta back then).

I kept cooking it and she got hooked.

Now she enjoys cooking many pasta dishes herself, I moved on to the bbq grill and the dog gets a treat only every now and then.

[catzenmouse]

First time I made a traditional turkey dinner I was asked why I cooked a horse (as in who in their right mind would need anything that big) and also why we would put jam (cranberry sauce) on the meat.

[BC]

Seems the 'true' way to a man's heart is indeed via his stomach.

Am I the only one that gets hungry afterwards?.. -ahh those bedtime snacks! What a treat!..

Who said OMB's don't reveal anything about their private life?..

 

[catzenmouse]

Seems the 'true' way to a man's heart is indeed via his stomach.

I'd bet my ex would say it was through the chest with an axe! 

Am I the only one that gets hungry afterwards?.. -ahh those bedtime snacks! What a treat!..

Who said OMB's don't reveal anything about their private life?..

Yup, those turkey, c-sauce, stuffing sandwiches are indeed a treat.

[BC]

Yup, those turkey, c-sauce, stuffing sandwiches are indeed a treat.

Salo, good bread, fresh garlic cloves dipped in salt and a couple glasses of wine and we're in heaven.

[KenC]

catzenmouse reminded me of something important:Your intergration into her family.  Acceptance by her family makes everything so much easier on everyone.  Lena's parents love me as I do them.  We have become a true family in every sense of the word.

My Inlaws have been here many times over the years and their visits are a joy.  They have developed their own preferences here in San Diego which I think is pretty cool.  I drive my MIL nuts by doing some cooking when she is here!  She just cannot help herself to place herself in the middle of the kitchen.   I make a mean lasagna that they have carried back to Russia frozen for the babushka!   The last visit they were here, I cooked a full blown Thankgiving dinner for them.  What a hoot!  They loved it all except the yams.  I will never forget the look on my FIL's face when I placed that big bird on the table.  And of course I made him do the carving!
KenC