Why is your marriage successful?

[jb]

Red wine, (preferrably sweetish), fresh salmon caviar on buttered french bread and you've got my undivided attention.

[BC]

Red wine, (preferrably sweetish), fresh salmon caviar on buttered french bread and you've got my undivided attention.

Next time try a semi dry white or champagne with the salmon caviar brunch.. Rose also works well.

For 'sippin' purposes a bold red preferred here.. I found a 2 dollar per liter Sicilian Nero d'Avola here that is not even sold in a bottle (something like a small milk carton) that is really great.

[I/O]

Red wine, (preferrably sweetish), fresh salmon caviar on buttered french bread and you've got my undivided attention.

Did you have to spoil all this with that French word? :seething:

I/O

[Jet]

Certainly a most memorable point in our marriage was the first thanksgiving dinner, she did indeed have "big eyes" when she saw the bird  My turn for big eyes was when she drowned the poor thing in ketchup  I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was one of those genuine cultural differences  :yech:

Yup, those turkey, c-sauce, stuffing sandwiches are indeed a treat.

This is one of those things Lil can't quite wrap her mind around: "Let me get this straight, you are putting bread stuffing between two slices of bread"
...and of course to her, cranberry sauce is a dessert, not a side dish, but she's starting to come around on that 

[jb]

Shall we not forget Christmas where we duplicate the same meal most times?  Our X-Mas trees are a bit prettier than those scraggly things they put up, I remember my wife's eyes bulging out when I brought home that big beautiful 9 ft Douglas Fir that filled up the living room corner, then I I pulled down several large cartons of decorations for the tree then proceeded to go to the garage and get more stuff to trim the house.   Some of my neighbors go whole hog at Christmas with displays that rival Macy's, my wife loves it now and wants to go into competition. 

These kinds of memories brings back everything in Technicolor for me, best stuff I've seen here in awhile. All in all, our 1st year together was wonderful,,, I'm not saying the others weren't as good, but the 1st time around was a real treasure.

[I/O]

Do you guys do the "Two Christmas" thing? IE: December 25th + Orthodox Christmas? I've always gotten the impression that New Year is by far the greater celebration in Russia. Correct?

I/O

[catzenmouse]

We do all three. Just dole out a few presents on Dec. 25th, a few more on the 31st, and keep a couple of small ones for Jan. 7th. Kinda fun as it keeps the presents going for three weeks.

We also love looking at the house decorations and light displays. Makes for an enjoyable drive around.

Ken

[KenC]

Catz,
What do you mean 3?  At my house it is 4!  New Christmas, old Christmas, new New Years (the biggie) and old New Years.  Just an excuse for Russians to party their azzes off for as long as possible! :brightidea:
KenC

[I/O]

Catz,
What do you mean 3?  At my house it is 4!  New Christmas, old Christmas, new New Years (the biggie) and old New Years.  Just an excuse for Russians to party their azzes off for as long as possible! :brightidea:
KenC

Will work perfectly in my camp. Having some German origins (There began the Christmas tree thing) the tree always goes up a week before Christmas (Dec 25) and NEVER comes down until well after new year. Those two or three weeks are constant party mode, simply moving from one brother's / parents home to another as the mood takes us. The difference being, can you guys imagine sitting down to hot roast Turkey etc when it is 100 F or more outside? Some day I will fulfill my dream of seeing a white Christmas.

I/O

[jb]

Typical RW.  Hard to please and difficult to figure out.

[I/O]

Typical RW.  Hard to please and difficult to figure out.

Ya lost me here. ???

I/O

[jb]

You will learn Kemo Sabe...

[Jazzyclassy]

I am answering the original question of the author ))))))

Why is your marriage successful?

Cos you are online in the forum all day long   

[Todd]

Hi All,

I would like to predicate this e-mail by saying that I do not quite meet your time requirement yet.  Our 2 year anniversary is in under two weeks (Sept 19).  I did think that it was an opportunity to say a few things about what makes my wife so incredibly special to me  prior to an anniversary, which, by definition, is a very good thing.  (Kitty, can this count as one of my two daily compliments??)

I think that my experience will be very different than many others here, but it helps to get a different point of view sometimes.  Here are a few of my thoughts on what makes a successful relationship.

1.  First, I don't subscribe to the school of thought that Russian women are unique or radically different.  Women are women all over the world.  They have far more similarities with each other than not.  Thus, all of the challenges that you have had in past relationships will eventually revisit you in the current one.  On the plus side though, it means that pretty much the set of factors contributing to a successful marriage are the same.

2.  People have already said that love doesn't provide any insight into making a successful marriage.  I might phrase this as "love that inspires you to be better than you could be; love inspires you to put forth the maximum effort to improve yourself, compromise when needed, and change (for the better) when you must."  Ultimately, maintaining any relationship requires a great deal of dedication and hard work.  If it isn't nurtured, it will wither.

3.  My next belief is that while love is emotional...given time people will behave rationally and do what makes the most sense for themselves and/or children.  Thus, prior to marrying someone in the FSU, someone should ask if I'm the best person for this woman today and two years from now.  It might make sense for today, but it might not make sense in two years.  On the FSU woman's part, this evaluation might not even be conscious.  Many women are accused of being GCG's, but I would guess less than half of them went into a relationship with this goal in mind.  Think back to when you were your soon to be wife's age.  When you were a 20 something, did you really think beyond the next couple of years?  If you found yourself with a woman 15 or 20 years older than you were, could you really stay married to your current wife if there were no repercussions on divorce?  My wife and I share a number of commonalities that cement our relationship, and we both find the other to be a very incredible person in their own.  I can't think of another person that I would want to be with.  

4.  Major life goals must be compatible.  Also, both people must be patient about meeting their major life goals. If you don't want to have any more children and she does or decides she does, then you are either headed to divorce or diaper changing.  The choice is yours.

5.  Your wife must begin to feel at home in the US.  My wife has remarked that she sometimes forgets that she isn't in her hometown.  Boston and Minsk have roughly the same populations and excellent subway systems.  My wife lives in an apartment building which she leaves each day to get on the subway.  She then takes three stops, gets off, and goes to work at a university.  All these actions are identical to what she did in Minsk.  So, her day to day life is very similar.  Also, she has established a network of friends in the area, and she is far more socially active than I am at the moment.  Presently, she works full time, is studying for the GRE, and is planning a bachelorette party of someone she met in the first few months of coming here.

I could list several more reasons, but my internet time at the airport is beginning to run out.  Finally, I would like to responds to something repeated several times here:  "a RW when they first come to the US will be like
raising a child".  I'm sure that my wife would whole heartedly agree with this observation. ...She has spent the last two years training her "American adoption"; all, I had to do was point her in the right direction for a couple of months when she first came.

Happy 2nd year anniversary (she reads this site),

todd

P.S.  Please excuse any punctuation, etc.. I'm a bit jetlagged in Germany awaiting my flight back to the US.

[GregfromGa]

Why was my last post on this subject deleted?

[Mod2]

Why was my last post on this subject deleted?

I cannot find any post from this thread that was deleted by a moderator.

Probably a technical fluke.

Suggest reposting.

[Kuna]

Gentlemen,

When I saw this thread start I ressted reading it because I wanted to wait until there was some volume to it.

May I say... thanks to all who contributed because for me, and especially att this particular moment in time, it has been the most valuable thread I've read since my early research days.

If anyone has anything else to add I woud encurage it because I have a thirst for your knowledge...  but already I have sensed a tone in your comments that gives me much comfort.

Cheers... I'm going back to my cleaning!

Kuna

[Jumper]

I saw that Jet and others hit on a key element in
a marraige to a RW, 
that is a very good example of something that differs than all the typical things in a more traditional, same culture, marriage.

She will, no matter HOW self assured , confident, independent, resourceful, and english fluent she is,
very likely feel like a complete fish out of water for quite some time.

Each person will vary greatly of course and these factors can by multiplied by ten if she is a shy person, has limited english, or isnt a very over confident personality.


jet gave a great example of one of the thousands of things you as a husband will need to do initially..
maybe not that exact one,,
but being prepared,  and helping prepare her for this transition time,, and doing all you can to insure she is able to get out,, about, and into a daily life
as more herself..
is one, of multiple things, these marriages initially entail.

this likely will change quickly , and you marriage evolves..into much more traditional..
but that first year or so,, yes you both will be overexposed as kenC put it..
on a lot of levels.
it may seem like i'm implying the husband gets the brunt of this work load,,,
in transition time,,but to be honest she is going thru far more..
your biggest allies are:
patience,
time,and
confidence


pesonalities that are
intolerent, impatient, poor self esteem, or jealose types..
will struggle BIG TIME..


this all leads back to one thing..
not only marrying the right person,,
but perhaps more importantly being the right person.


since ken C originally asked what makes your marriage successful..

i'll answer more simply..

Being the right person, is probably the single biggest thing that you can nail down as a tangible item, to allow success in this venture.


there are a million things ..
but in my mind it is one of the biggest.
it goes hand in hand with the other big one!

her being the right person as well..
not just for you, but for this venture and its challenges.

you want success? look inside and ask yourself if you have what it takes.

this may sound cocky, i dont intend it to be,,
A man with all the right personality traits,
 can easily still marry someone that isnt the right person,, doesnt have the right motivations or mentality ,, or simply dont have the commitment level it takes..
its the same scenerio on the RW 's dside of that coin, with the wrong man..


but the question at hand was..
what makes your marriage a success..
i'll say  that me being confident and patient enough to
do everything possible within reason,
to help and enable her to get out and be her true independent self as quickly as possible was a huge part.
The flip side of that is her patience,outgoing personality to make new friends and aquantinces,  and extreeme hard work at adapting to a strange culture, place,language, new  family situation, and marriage ,
all at once , all without her close friends,confidonts and family nearby to help.


it all comes back to success being largly based on the 2 people.
Their inner ablity to meet challenges and changes..
communcate well with each other, and pateince to endure the
smaller trying moments..without letting the small stuff
(which seems big at the moment) override the bigger picture.

The best intentions ,  simply wont cut it.

Who you both truly are, will.

IMHO-its why this question is so hard to answer with detail or exact examples.

not trying to dodge that,
i have nothing to hide and no example i can spit out would be embarising or comprimise anything  in our marriage..

 its just that for each example i could think of..
 the motivation behind any example ,
 is/was far more important than the actual "thing" that was done.

jets example i would say defines this?
it wasnt that he intially drove her that helped his marraige..
its the WHY he was doing so ..
 that did...

*shrugs*







 
 

[Jumper]

I/O
i will ad one example though..

I knew where we lived, and that our culture somewhat dictates,
that she be mobile right away.
Anyone in the world feels traped if they arent easily mobile.
it's human nature..and with language difficulties and its amplified by ten?

but mobilty here is fundamentally different from what she was used to.

there is no easy public transit system nearby..
(but yes 30 mins  away it's routine)
and everything is about 15 or 25 minute drive away..
stores , the gym, resturants,churches , basically everything!
not far ,but not walking distance , and no mushruka!
knowing this i paid for almost a years worth of real driving time in her city..
basically a rental car and instructor a couple days a week.
 i figured if she could learn to drive there, in thast carzy traffic,
and really have some seriuos hours and confidence behind the wheel..that when arriving it wold be a big help.

she hit the ground here running-
 and driving by herself to the store and gym etc her first few days!
(my perparation may have less to do with it , than the fact she is just confident,but together it worked)

Is it a big thing now?
heavens no, she would have gotten to that point anyway within as year or so?
but it sure made how she felt here initially more tolerable and comfortable i'm sure? and gave her some independence and confidence right away.
does it effect our marriage now? probably not,,but i bet it was a factor initially..
but again the motivation is more the important point than the actual deed?
  She did her own share of things to give examples of..
but again her motivations for them , ,would outweigh the actual example..





 

[jb]

Excellent points, AJ.

I did the same,,, taught her to drive, ASAP. Showed her the city, ASAP. Showed her the way to the Mall, ASAP,,, after that it was duck soup, she was off and running.

[Jumper]

jb-

I knew that you had done so,, and i'd bet its a common theme in the OMB's around here?

I could be way off,, but i do belive
that the fact you are the kind of person to encourage her and make every effort to get her going ASAP,
and she is the kind of person ,not to sit around bemouning some fate,
but to simply take the reins ,and run with them..

is common in the *successful* couples?


at least from the posts i've seen , it's a dynamic shared by most OMB's or couples  around here.



 

[jb]

And,,,I think you are right.

[Mamma D]

Well...I am not Married to a Russian born lady....BUT, I do have a great Russian born daughter and Grandson!

They are now American citizens and proud of both cultures.

Today is a red letter day for Basil... and a sad one for Irina.
Basil will leave for Stanford University today....It will be the first time mother and son will have been separated.....even for a little while.

Basil will turn 18 in November.. but he is still her baby....and always will be.

They had limited English abilities when they arrived in Jan 2001....Now they are both fluent. They assimilated into our way of life quickly...and brought us some of the Russian culture as well...

One thing we tend to do, is stay within the vocabulary we know they are comfortable with.... not good... they need to stretch their English abilities.
Irina has gone so quickly since she began work at the Libra....Short conversations and a top retention of new words!

I wish all of you the wonderful adventure my son has had....and maybe a great kid as well!

[jb]

Momma D,

I'm so proud of your step-grandson.  BTW, Stanford was where I took my degree, (about a million years ago).  It's a great school and I'm sure he will do an outstanding job there, it's also a stepping stone to greater things down the road. UC is the driving force behind the US National Laboratories at Los Alamos, New Mexico.  My stepson did an internship there two years ago and enjoyed it immensely.  I was grateful to my old school for the opportunity to present my kidlet to the University staff.  By the way, he done good.  They liked him

You have many reasons to be proud, rejoice in them.  Your step grandson will fill up your day. You deserve it.

[catzenmouse]

Excellent Post AJ! These two gems really stood out and all I can add to them is:

 

this all leads back to one thing..
not only marrying the right person,,
but perhaps more importantly being the right person.

 - and -

Being the right person, is probably the single biggest thing that you can nail down as a tangible item, to allow success in this venture.

Mamma D,

 Your family is what we all aspire to. As much as the credit goes to Basil for his hard work should also go to you and yours for making the right atmosphere to allow this to blossom.

 As always, my hat is off to you and all who are close to you!

Ken

P. S. JB, wasn't it called StanRock back then and was not too far from BedRock U?