Give me your opinions/advice please? :-)

[HazyKnight]

Doh! Sorry JB, I'm pretty thick when it comes to jokes. For any woman who says "I want a guy that makes me laugh..." well that ain't me  .

Btw, sorry about quoting everything. I don't know how that happened. I was putting in individual quotes and somehow everything got that way. Oh well....

[jb]

well,,,lemme see here....

Maybe you need to take some self improvement classes.  As far as I know, every woman I've ever met wants a little, or a lot, of laughter and sunlight in her life.   I don't think Russian women are any different.   Marriage to someone who cannot make me laugh would be a terrible thing to my way of things.  Dull and boring would be the kiss of death for me. 

Others may comment to the au' contraire, but I'd go out on a limb and say that if there isn't a little lightheartedness to whisk away the gloom from time-to-time, you're in for a rocky road.  Have you been married before?  If so, why did things run into the ditch?  Did things get so work-a-day world ordinary that the interest and fun went out the window?  That's something you need to fix before trying to suck another unsuspecting woman into a humorless world.

Just a thought.

[HazyKnight]

well,,,lemme see here....

Maybe you need to take some self improvement classes.  As far as I know, every woman I've ever met wants a little, or a lot, of laughter and sunlight in her life.   I don't think Russian women are any different.   Marriage to someone who cannot make me laugh would be a terrible thing to my way of things.  Dull and boring would be the kiss of death for me. 

Others may comment to the au' contraire, but I'd go out on a limb and say that if there isn't a little lightheartedness to whisk away the gloom from time-to-time, you're in for a rocky road.  Have you been married before?  If so, why did things run into the ditch?  Did things get so work-a-day world ordinary that the interest and fun went out the window?  That's something you need to fix before trying to suck another unsuspecting woman into a humorless world.

Just a thought.

whoa whoa whoa... I didn't suck anyone in. She chose me. She's not exactly a comedian either. The door swings both ways. Anyway, I'm not saying I don't like humor, I just suck at it lol. No, I have never been married before.

[jb]

Ok, Ok,,, cool your jets, I didn't mean to insult you,,, it was just an observation.  Women like funny guys, that's a fact.

You are 28 y.o., (you said), frankly at 28 I was trying on AWs like sombreros at the fair and had little intentions towards marriage.  I had just completed my degree program and was feeling my oats,,, and sowing a few.  Granted I was a chicken sh!t asshole, but it was a time of free love and I enjoyed it.  The hippy girls sure did smell bad, but they were easy.

I'm sure your life is different.

[Kuna]

HazyKnight,

I think you're misunderstanding jb...  well at least I hope you are.  I don't see any of his comments as criticism but instead he is just giving advice.

On the topic of humour... You don't need to be Robin Williams but women want some humour in their lives.  Heck... everyone NEEDS a little humur from time to time.

When you watch a comedy do you laugh?  Can you relax and enjoy the moment.  You'll need to with a RW.

btw... You'll often read the word "serious" when browsing profiles.  Serious DOESN'T mean stern... it's more like "committed to 'the task'."

When you go to FSU enjoy the moment... Relax... don't treat this like a difficult journey even if it is.  Try to appreciate the things around you and the people you meet.  It makes the difficulties more livable.

Good uck,

Kuna

[HazyKnight]

Thanks for the words guys  . No, I wasn't that upset, just a little suprised. I am a noob here, so I have no right to step on anyone's toes, nor do I have the right to misinterpret them.

If I had to give myself a rating, I would probably say "60% serious/ 40% goofy." My life's been sink or swim, so it shaded my world that way unfortunately, and my personality flowered out of that. So unfortunately I'm not the most funny, but yes I can lighten up and enjoy a comedy. I guess it just depends on the mood and who I'm with.

Anyway, when I went to meet her, my four goals were these:
1. Have fun
2. Relax
3. Find out if we are meant to be.
4. If yes to number 3, then grow closer in bond.

I have the feeling that eventhough my intentions were good, I either screwed up royally, or she was playing with a loaded deck.

Thoughts? 

[Kuna]

I have the feeling that eventhough my intentions were good, I either screwed up royally, or she was playing with a loaded deck.

Thoughts? 

Doesn't matter which it was...  It's time to start again.  read as much as you can in here and heed the advice of the people like jb (even if you won't understand them the first time).  avoid the romantics and the gamblers... that's a mugs game...  and be certain about what you want.

This journey is expensive and difficult. Marrying at home will be easier and possibly less fulfilling but remember the words uttered often around here... "Marrying a FSUW isn't for everyone".

Good luck...read, ask s many questons as you like... AND KEEP IT REAL!

Kuna

[HazyKnight]

Holy old thread from the grave Batman!

That's right, the one time flight by night, needed help, got help, and was never seen again, is back!

How's everyone doing in here?

I have been exploring more the latin women side of life and re-examining if I wrote off American women too quickly. That's why I haven't been hanging around the forums. I also work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week (literally) running my own restaurant, so between all of that, I haven't made it back here.

2 anecdotal tales of "what should I do?"

Choice 1
Update:
After everyone's help here, I decided to let my FSU relationship play itself out, seeing as the Visa was already filed. As it turned out my RW started acting worse and worse. She would tell me to call on a certain date, and then not be at home when she told me to call. This went on for pretty much all of last summer. When it came time for her interview in Moscow, I decided I had had enough of her not writing anymore, nor her not being at home (in other words, her emails, and amount of calls on a weekly basis dramatically declined). I ended the relationship. Applause and cheers? Please not yet.

So instead of her come to America and living with me, she went to Cyprus with her sister who was talking to a Greek man. She had wanted me to go, but I didn't have the time or money for 3 weeks on Cyprus, and to be honest, I didn't want to go because our last time we met was so bad.

When she came back. She was a new woman. She didn't care about material goods. She said she was changing. She said she still loved me and missed me incredibly. I missed her too. So we started talking again, but she doesn't write as often as she did, nor does she want to talk on the phone as much. But she is much more open about saying the typing "I love you" (before she would never say it) and she is a lot happier to speak to me for when we do. Anyway, she wants to me meet AGAIN, this time in Barcelona, where it will be cheaper than Prague, to show me the new her. She will also pay for her own plane ticket, visa out, and train ticket to Moscow. I'll have to pick the hotel, food, and my ticket there.

Should I go? Has she really changed? Will she be romantic this time? Will there be kissing or hugging, or more?

I am extremely doubtful, but how will I know unless I go? Besides, Barcelona is a great city (I've been there before). If anything, I'll have a week of vacation right?



Choice 2
About 2 months ago, a Finnish woman (or so she says) wrote to me and wanted get to know me. I don't know how she found my info because I'm not on any dating websites anymore. She brushed off my question by saying her friend gave her my info, where? I don't know.

I played along, waiting until she would ask me for money. She sent me many photos, some in bikinis, low cuts, you know the deal. Well, she said she wanted to come to the USA for a holiday, and that Fins don't need Visas. I said "great" come on over. Well, she discovered it was cheaper for her to fly out of Moscow *eye brow raised now*. She would never tell me exactly when, what day, what airline, just in 20 days. Well, 20 days came and went, no Fin in America. Then she basically says she's going to visit friends along the way to Moscow (supposedly old school girlfriends, she claims to be half russian/half fin).

When she gets to Cherksberg (or something like that) and visits her friend who is dying of cancer, she spends her money on meds, etc for the friend. She doesn't ask for money. When she books the plane tickets (without asking what's a good day to come or what airlines to fly in the USA) she short the cash. So the airline takes what she's got, and they reserve a ticket. She even claims she pawned her gold earrings and necklace for more to pay for the tickets. Well, even that wasn't enough. So now she's asking me for 180 dollars to help pay for the tickets.

To her credit, she has taken awhile to get to the money part. She has been very kind and does keep somewhat to what the current conversation is. But she doesn't answer any of my questions. Also, she says that if she doesn't come now, she will just wait for me to fly to Finland and she will then only come to America with me.

Thoughts? Scam right?

I can't wait to see how much some of you guys are going to pick apart these.

Btw... I can't find a trustable scam site. I'm sure you guys know of some. Can your point me in the right direction?

[BillyB]

I'm going to end the relationship because there so many more red flags you guys would be shocked! I'm too embarrassed to tell them anyway.

Before I can comment on if you should get back together with choice #1, I would like to know what those shocking red flags are.

Choice # 2 sounds like a scam.

Plenty of fish out there that won't give the the doubts of these two choices. I think there are better ways to spend your time and emotions.

[SANDRO43]

Thoughts? Scam right?

Right .

Btw... I can't find a trustable scam site. I'm sure you guys know of some. Can your point me in the right direction?

Hard to say how trustworthy they really are, but there's a list in the Anti-Scam Table in the 'Scam Avoidance' menu at left to pick from .

[HazyKnight]

Before I can comment on if you should get back together with choice #1, I would like to know what those shocking red flags are.

Choice # 2 sounds like a scam.

Plenty of fish out there that won't give the the doubts of these two choices. I think there are better ways to spend your time and emotions.

Basically she couldn't say "I love you." She couldn't say it on the phone in front of her mom or sister because it was uncomfortable. So she would never say it, just "me too." But she also wouldn't write it in the emails either, and this after having met her twice.

Other red flags are: no kissing, no hand holding, no petting, or any affection at all. She's private and doesn't really like to talk. When she does, its only about our trip, not about her feelings to me, her day, her life at work, nothing.

And to be honest, the others I can't remember right now, sorry

Thanks for the imput Sandro43 and BillyB.

Keep it coming, and anyone else too 

[BillyB]

Basically she couldn't say "I love you." She couldn't say it on the phone in front of her mom or sister because it was uncomfortable. So she would never say it, just "me too." But she also wouldn't write it in the emails either, and this after having met her twice.

Other red flags are: no kissing, no hand holding, no petting, or any affection at all. She's private and doesn't really like to talk. When she does, its only about our trip, not about her feelings to me, her day, her life at work, nothing.

Is that all? We already figured out she was an Ice Queen on page 1. It's really up to you Hazy to figure this all out. If a woman was cold to me, I'd take a hint and move on. If you get married to her, you may be missing important things(physical affection) you desire. Maybe you should find a woman that will give you what you desire. Maybe you're not lighting her fire. Maybe it's just her or maybe you need to change things about yourself to become more desirable to women out there.

You said she changed. Here are some things to ask yourself. What's her motivation for changing? Good or bad? Are you still her first choice in men or her only remaining choice? Does she want you or will she just tolerate you in exchange for a better life?

[ScottinCrimea]

How easy is it for an FSUW to get a visa to visit Spain?  Why spend money and time for a vacation with a woman who has no desire to even touch you?  Maybe better to take your mother or your sister.  It sounds like you would have a better time. She only likes to talk about the trips and nothing else?  Maybe that should tell you something about her motivation for spending time with you.

Is it possible she was writing to another man, met him in Cyprus and when that didn't work out she focused on her second option - you?

[Gator]

Hazy,


Choice One - Being alone for a long time is no fun.  Being with the wrong woman is much worse, even for a week.  Been there, done that, not again.

If you still feel there is some chance, you need to have some frank discussions with her.  Ask direct questions, and do not let her answer with just a "I have changed."  It would take a major catharsis so I doubt that she has changed.

It is unclear about the sexual intimacy you have had with this woman, and I guess the answer is either "none" or "very little and not exciting."  You need to discuss how to make this improve.

So all of this begs the question:  Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a cold fish?  She is polar opposite of a Latin woman.  What's wrong with a hot blooded Latin woman.

[groovlstk]

Update:
After everyone's help here, I decided to let my FSU relationship play itself out, seeing as the Visa was already filed.

First off, you never received help here because you refused to listen to those who advised you to bail before it was too late. (That was your choice, of course, but please don't pretend anyone here endorsed your foolishness and advised you to let your K1 "play out" with a woman who cared nothing for you.) You're extraordinarily lucky that this woman had a more interesting boyfriend in Russia when you filed for your K1. If not, she'd have joined you and then picked you apart, piece by piece.

As it turned out my RW started acting worse and worse. She would tell me to call on a certain date, and then not be at home when she told me to call. This went on for pretty much all of last summer. When it came time for her interview in Moscow, I decided I had had enough of her not writing anymore, nor her not being at home (in other words, her emails, and amount of calls on a weekly basis dramatically declined). I ended the relationship.

Not surprising, anyone here could have written this script (except for the part where you ended the relationship).

When she came back. She was a new woman. She didn't care about material goods. She said she was changing. She said she still loved me and missed me incredibly. I missed her too.

A new woman? Hah, she has a new tactical goal, that's all, and knows which buttons of yours to push to achieve it.

Should I go? Has she really changed? Will she be romantic this time? Will there be kissing or hugging, or more?

Do you believe in Santa Claus? If so, I'll tell you yes, she has changed. It happens sometimes to Ukrainian women during full moons when they are dating American men. Satisfied?

I am extremely doubtful, but how will I know unless I go? Besides, Barcelona is a great city (I've been there before). If anything, I'll have a week of vacation right?

Hazy, sorry to be so rough on you, but you have obviously made up your mind about this and plan to visit her again. Why come here and ask for advice which you'll never follow? I hate to see a guy so p*ssywhipped he can't admit the dog poop on his shoes isn't milk chocolate, no matter how bad it stinks. Good luck, you're going to need it.

[Lit_1nce]

I would say, that if you want to give a 3rd chance.. that's up to you.. but no way in Barcelona or any other vacation scenario.

Why not take a trip to her home town again.. but also have some backup plan if it turns out things are the same.. If she's not behaving as you would expect.. then bail... and try dating some other women you have lined up.

[HazyKnight]

Is that all? We already figured out she was an Ice Queen on page 1. It's really up to you Hazy to figure this all out. If a woman was cold to me, I'd take a hint and move on. If you get married to her, you may be missing important things(physical affection) you desire. Maybe you should find a woman that will give you what you desire. Maybe you're not lighting her fire. Maybe it's just her or maybe you need to change things about yourself to become more desirable to women out there.

You said she changed. Here are some things to ask yourself. What's her motivation for changing? Good or bad? Are you still her first choice in men or her only remaining choice? Does she want you or will she just tolerate you in exchange for a better life?

Yes, she is Ice, but everyone is Russia seems to be that way. But when I met her Mom and sister in her home, they were very warm, welcoming and nice. I couldn't figure out why she was so cold, when the rest of her family was so warm. The fire that I was trying to light was almost impossible because she had unrealistic expectations (Mr. Gorgeous comes riding up on a horse, shirt parted, hair flowing, to take her back to the magic castle). I could have been more romantic myself too, but its hard to start a fire when you're matches are already ice.

As for her motivation for change, I think it was because her outlook on life was actually hurting her. Her desires were creating misery for her. So she dropped'em and began to enjoy the little things in life and be thankful for what she already had. I don't know why or how a trip to Cyprus would change this in her.

How easy is it for an FSUW to get a visa to visit Spain?  Why spend money and time for a vacation with a woman who has no desire to even touch you?  Maybe better to take your mother or your sister.  It sounds like you would have a better time. She only likes to talk about the trips and nothing else?  Maybe that should tell you something about her motivation for spending time with you.

Is it possible she was writing to another man, met him in Cyprus and when that didn't work out she focused on her second option - you?

Certain countries seem to be easier than others. I guess Spain is one of them ??? She's promising more touching and affection, that's why to spend the time and moeny. I also would like to visit Spain again, and see more of Barcelona  . It is entirely possible that she was writing a man from Cyprus, and that it didn't work out, but I don't have confirmation of this. So I waste my energy speculating.

Hazy,


Choice One - Being alone for a long time is no fun.  Being with the wrong woman is much worse, even for a week.  Been there, done that, not again.

If you still feel there is some chance, you need to have some frank discussions with her.  Ask direct questions, and do not let her answer with just a "I have changed."  It would take a major catharsis so I doubt that she has changed.

It is unclear about the sexual intimacy you have had with this woman, and I guess the answer is either "none" or "very little and not exciting."  You need to discuss how to make this improve.

So all of this begs the question:  Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a cold fish?  She is polar opposite of a Latin woman.  What's wrong with a hot blooded Latin woman.

Direct questions don't seem to work. She doesn't like answering them, because she feels I'm trying to control her, or that she has to answer to me like a servant. So I'm blocked on that route. Instead I just go making statements, and hope that illicits a reaction. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Yeah, I'm seriously considering just going to Latin path. I already speak pretty decent Spanish.

Its not so much that I want to spend my life with a cold fish. I want to spend my life with a faithful, humble, sincere, kind, affectionate, intelligent, woman

First off, you never received help here because you refused to listen to those who advised you to bail before it was too late. (That was your choice, of course, but please don't pretend anyone here endorsed your foolishness and advised you to let your K1 "play out" with a woman who cared nothing for you.) You're extraordinarily lucky that this woman had a more interesting boyfriend in Russia when you filed for your K1. If not, she'd have joined you and then picked you apart, piece by piece.

Not surprising, anyone here could have written this script (except for the part where you ended the relationship).

A new woman? Hah, she has a new tactical goal, that's all, and knows which buttons of yours to push to achieve it.

Do you believe in Santa Claus? If so, I'll tell you yes, she has changed. It happens sometimes to Ukrainian women during full moons when they are dating American men. Satisfied?

Hazy, sorry to be so rough on you, but you have obviously made up your mind about this and plan to visit her again. Why come here and ask for advice which you'll never follow? I hate to see a guy so p*ssywhipped he can't admit the dog poop on his shoes isn't milk chocolate, no matter how bad it stinks. Good luck, you're going to need it.

It wasn't so much that I decided not to listen to bunch of strangers who don't know me, the relationship, or her, it was that the Visa was already in play, and when her behavior got worse, I said "bye." I'm not going to make a rash decision. I like to think things through. As I am doing now.

Yes, you were rough. Why be that way?

I'm not whipped as you say, otherwise I wouldn't of dissolved the relationship the first time.

I enjoyed reading your metaphors though  .

I would say, that if you want to give a 3rd chance.. that's up to you.. but no way in Barcelona or any other vacation scenario.

Why not take a trip to her home town again.. but also have some backup plan if it turns out things are the same.. If she's not behaving as you would expect.. then bail... and try dating some other women you have lined up.

Its not a bad idea at all. I'll think about that  . Mainly getting a visa into Russia is a pain in the neck.


Thanks for the feedback guys. It helps having people to bounce this stuff off of  

[Faux Pas]

Its not so much that I want to spend my life with a cold fish. I want to spend my life with a faithful, humble, sincere, kind, affectionate, intelligent, woman

Well..... two out of seven isn't bad when one has expectations as low as yours  I guess

[catzenmouse]

Direct questions don't seem to work. She doesn't like answering them, because she feels I'm trying to control her, or that she has to answer to me like a servant. So I'm blocked on that route. Instead I just go making statements, and hope that illicits a reaction. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

As Russians are pretty much always direct this bit about her saying you're trying to control her is (IMO) BS and only add to the Run Forrest Run aspect of this relationship.

Yeah, I'm seriously considering just going to Latin path. I already speak pretty decent Spanish.

http://www.planet-love.com is the sister site to RWD and has all the information you would ever need to go this route if you so desired. They also have an Asian board as well.

Its not so much that I want to spend my life with a cold fish. I want to spend my life with a faithful, humble, sincere, kind, affectionate, intelligent, woman

This woman seems to fit the first part of this quote but I would seriously doubt that she will ever be the latter with you. If she was going to she would have already demonstrated that by now.

It wasn't so much that I decided not to listen to bunch of strangers who don't know me, the relationship, or her, it was that the Visa was already in play, and when her behavior got worse, I said "bye." I'm not going to make a rash decision. I like to think things through. As I am doing now.

Sorry to have to be the one to let you in on this: You are not special and many of the membership here have seen these same types of scenarios play out over the years. No one here has to "know you, the relationship, or her" to see the patterns or the outcome.

Yes, you were rough. Why be that way?

Groove's a pushover compared to what you would be up against if you end up with a FSUW that has an agenda. When she was done there would be little pieces of Hazy all over the place.

Good Luck to you and I hope that things will work out in the end.

[HazyKnight]

Well..... two out of seven isn't bad when one has expectations as low as yours  I guess

Ouch.

Sorry to have to be the one to let you in on this: You are not special and many of the membership here have seen these same types of scenarios play out over the years. No one here has to "know you, the relationship, or her" to see the patterns or the outcome.

Good point, I'll remember that.

Groove's a pushover compared to what you would be up against if you end up with a FSUW that has an agenda. When she was done there would be little pieces of Hazy all over the place.

Good Luck to you and I hope that things will work out in the end.

Here's the thing. It she had a plan, and had scrupulous intentions, she could of been here and been shredding me already. But the fact that she hasn't even tried to put herself on the best side, and really create a fantasy world for me, says that she could just be being herself, and is confused about our relationship just as I am. Thoughts?

[Ade]

Hazy Dude,

Choice #1, if she isn't playing you she's almost certainly messed up and a little out of her tree. Move on, find someone else.

Choice #2 almost certainly a scam.

All IMHO of course.

[Taz]

I'd run from both these situations. You've heard the saying "don't throw good money after bad"? Same applies to emotions. Find another chick and move on.

No matter what don't meet her in Barcelona!!!!!

She probably just wants a vacation out of you or to reel you in now. Possibly her family said for her to wake up and GET ANY MAN SHE CAN! I saw this at work with a friend of mine but after he kicked her back home. She was a cold fish and even after coming to the US they never had sex. He finally realized she wasn't as warm as what he needed. He sent her home.

Two months after returning she kept calling and saying how she missed him, she'd be warmer, etc. Basically she got a reaming out by her mother and family and realized she'd royally screwed the pooch on this one. Even her mom got in on the act trying to get my friend to take her back. I told him the same thing, better to look for another one whose feelings are genuine and you can trust.

This woman sounds like she had a come to Jesus talk from friends and family and is trying to MAKE it work rather than let it develop naturally.

Find another one and move on! It's that simple. Don't waste any more time or energy on her.

[ScottinCrimea]

Hazy,  You're getting some great advice from the best source possible.  Men who have dated or been married to RW for years and know them inside and out (at least as well as can be expected with any woman).  Has anyone here yet even remotely hinted that this is a good situation or that this is a woman worth pursuing?  You keep making excuses for what is really totally unacceptable behavior on hers or anyone's part.  The consensus among the experts here seems to be that this is a bad situation that will only get worse.  No offense, but where is your sense of self esteem?  Why put up with this from anyone and then continue to rationalize it?  Step back for just a minute, put the pretty picture down, and imagine your future life with this woman JUST AS SHE IS, NOT AS WHAT YOU FEEL OR HOPE SHE CAN BE.  One of my big mistakes when I was dating was seeing the potential of a woman, not the reality, and thinking I was so special that all she needed was my wonderful loving influence and she would blossom into the incredible woman I knew she could be.  I finally got my head straight and found someone who was everything I wanted NOW and didn't need changing.

[Faux Pas]

Ouch.

Sorry guy. We are here to help but, leading you to believe it will work out with this woman when all the information and experience we have tells us, it wouldn't work out from the information you've posted, wouldn't be helping you. A pretty common theme from most posters here is move on to another woman. It's most likely damn good advice. There are so many honestly interested, warm, loving and sincere women to be wasting anymore time or money trying to warm up the ice queen. I personally think she is most likely up to something more sinister.

[SANDRO43]

Here's the thing. It she had a plan, and had scrupulous intentions, she could of been here and been shredding me already. But the fact that she hasn't even tried to put herself on the best side, and really create a fantasy world for me, says that she could just be being herself, and is confused about our relationship just as I am. Thoughts?

Your assumption is just one of the many possibly applicable (but, obviously, the most attractive to you). How about her being busier/more interested in other, in her view, potentially more promising suitors, and keeping you on the back burner just in case ?

I'd say your moniker is quite fitting, its first part as in "not having a clue", and its second part as in "Here I come to the damsel's rescue", a lethal combination . Set your alarm clock back to some weeks/months ago, and finally wake up .