Cold feet

[Blues Fairy]

I wonder if it's normal for a man to experience an attack of "cold feet" some months or weeks before the wedding.  All are welcome to share their experiences.  Also I appreciate your thoughts on what would be the best coping strategy.   

[KenC]

Blues Fairy,
I didn't get a sudden dose of cold feet, but more of a steady case of "WTF am I doing?  I gotta be nuts!" from beginning to end.  Lena was like my narcotic and I was the junkie.  I knew it didn't make sense but I did it any way.  To be honest I was scared to death on the wedding day!  The only thought that carried me through was that I didn't want to live my life without her in it.

There are a lot of factors involved here.  One is that most of the men are older and have already experienced marriage.  They understand the magnitude of the situation and how at least two lives will be affected.  The experience of a failed marriage (usually) also comes into play too.  The cockiness of being dead sure that was displayed before the first marriage is long gone and replaced with genuine concern about the possibility of success.
KenC

[Misha]

I got cold feet with my first marriage, but still went through with it. If only I had listened to the little voice inside me 

[BillyB]

I jumped into my first marriage without thinking twice. Maybe I should done more thinking to have made a better decision. I don't think I'll ever get cold feet because I'm not afraid of marriage and know that it could be beneficial to my life if I marry the right person.

[BC]

I didn't get a sudden dose of cold feet, but more of a steady case of "WTF am I doing?  I gotta be nuts!" from beginning to end.

EXACTLY my thoughts during that period!

Is a bit funny that once we were engaged and had a wedding date set I started to peruse RW related fora looking for immigration information..  shortly thereafter I endured a sizeable bout of paranoia - luckily for naught.

[SANDRO43]

I did not get cold feet my first time through (had a few minor misgivings, though, but optimistically thought they'd vanish with time), also due to the fact that in late-1960s Italy the "standard", accepted procedure was:

1. Finish your studies.
2. Get yourself a steady job.
3. Get yourself a wife.

Also, with a 20-y.o. fiancée and a future FIL who was of Sicilian extraction (family name: Sinatra ) and a former paratroop sergeant in WWII to boot, I didn't have as many other options as are available today, when living together as an informal couple is considered quite acceptable and almost becoming the norm in Western societies.

Would I be on the brink of marriage today, I'd get frozen feet, and it would be incumbent upon my fiancée to thaw them .

[BillyB]

1. Finish your studies.
2. Get yourself a steady job.
3. Get yourself a wife.

Reminds me of a plan I had when I was about 6 yo. I told my mom " first, I was going to get married, then I was going to get a house, then I was going to get a job". Surprisingly the plan did work but not in that order.

[I/O]

"WTF am I doing?  I gotta be nuts!"

In quite a serious way, this summed me up over the whole process to date. Even she has said exactly this to me. "I/O, you must be crazy to marry with a Russian woman". (Mostly joking but she does understand the fact that life became a whole lot more complicated for me as a result of her).

One is that most of the men are older and have already experienced marriage.

Yep....!!! And.....I have tended to be a whole lot more pragmatic and far less romantic in my thinking a second time around. Nevertheless, I have tried very hard to cut her a fair degree of slack in this area as it is unfair for her to be denied the (Almost ridiculous) romantic aspect that all people feel approaching a first marriage.

The cockiness of being dead sure that was displayed before the first marriage is long gone and replaced with genuine concern about the possibility of success.

Right on there brother...!!! Right on...!!! There is no certainties in this caper and it often takes that hard experience to completely understand this.

As to a strategy for a woman to deal with a man who has cold feet, a tough one indeed.  I have long thought that men are far less decisive and women far more decisive than society would have us believe. Men are far more emotional than they/we like to admit. IMO the best way to deal with a guy under these circumstances is to play to his basic instincts/weaknesses, that is the visual and the physical.

Long and complex discussions regarding his fears and misgivings will rarely do anything other than drive him into himself and his own quiet reflection. For those who have seen the musical "My Fair Lady", the relevant line from there is "Words, words, I am sick of words, SHOW me"...!! He has chased until she has caught him....at these times women would be well advised to do a little chasing also. He needs that. But, play to the visual and the physical as it is these things that caught his attention in the first instance more so than the academic side.

For guys to deal with this is a tough call, but FWIW IMO if you have done the "Hard yards" to build a real relationship, then dig your toes in and tough it out, you should by now, know that you were certain when you made your decision that it was the right one. The right decision doesn't ensure you will be successful long term, but it does give you an opportunity for success. Have the courage of your convictions and stick it out. However if you have not genuinely been through the process of building a real relationship over time, then there is only one choice which is for the better of both of you and you should have the balls to make that call also.

IMO many marriages are doomed before they start because guys have not had the balls to make the decision they know they should make. Marriage should never be entered lightly.

I/O

[Turboguy]

IMO many marriages are doomed before they start because guys have not had the balls to make the decision they know they should make. Marriage should never be entered lightly.

I/O

I have to agree with that one and say it really hit home for me.  I think a combination of being a little inexperienced, immature and ball less let me enter my first marriage knowing it was a mistake.  I recall asking if the invitations had been sent out really thinking I was going to bail if they had not.   I remember standing behind the Church waiting for the service to start and playing with my car keys thinking I should make a run for it.  Unfortunately I did not.

As far as this time, not even the tiniest amount of cold feet at all so far, perhaps when it gets closer but I doubt it. 

One suggestion about how to deal with it has some risk but might solve the problem.  I will talk first about one of my big mistakes.  Before we married when i was going with my now ex,  I had made up my mind to break it off.   Before I could say anything, she tried to break it off with me (the only time)  It put me on the defensive and I stupidly talked her out of it and forgot my desire to see things ended.   One thing you could try is using something like that.   Tell him he seems to have some hesitation so you want to call things off.  I think the odds are overwhelming that it would put him on the defensive and he would realize how much he has to loose and get over any cold feet he has.  Of course the risk is he would not react that way.

[2tallbill]

I wonder if it's normal for a man to experience an attack of "cold feet" some months or weeks before the wedding.  All are welcome to share their experiences.  Also I appreciate your thoughts on what would be the best coping strategy.   

I don't know of a single man on Earth who didn't get at least a mild attack of cold feet sometime before his wedding.

Good luck

Udachi,

Bill

[KenC]

I don't know of a single man on Earth who didn't get at least a mild attack of cold feet sometime before his wedding.

Good luck

Udachi,

Bill

Show me a man that has no fear of his wedding day and I'll show you a man that has not thought things through entirely.
KenC

[2tallbill]

Ok, now you know that all men worry about this. It's a fact, but also remind him
about spending his life alone without you in his life and he will get through this.

Udachi

Bill

[CaptB]

Worrying (a little) about the success of my second (and last) marriage.........sure......its pretty normal. But unlike the first marriage............I really "knew" the person I was marrying this time. The woman I spent hundreds of hours on the phone with.....trips to visit.......and finally married..............................is pretty much the same woman after four years of marriage. The first time around........I only saw the good stuff (what I wanted to see). This last time around.......I saw the whole package.......flaws and all.........and knew what I was getting into. It also helped that after my first marriage disolved......I went to a marriage counselor.....alone........to work out some problems that I might be bringing into "any" marriage. The counseling was very worthwhile.....I would recomend it to anyone. You would be very surprised what you might learn when a competent professional points and objective finger.......at "you". There was and article in USA Today that stated the average woman after divorce was remarried in 2.5 - 3 years............men remarried in 3 - 4 years. It was 12 years for me..............I've just never felt the urgency......the clock ticking. It had something to do with being happy just being alone.....first.......it makes it alot easier being happy when you add someone else to the mix.


Capt B

[Blues Fairy]

Thanks for all the advice guys.  Actually it turns out to be not as much cold feet as the pains of growing up, I figure. Well, about high time anyway, at 38.   And all the difficulties of a long-distance relationship on top of that.

One thing you could try is using something like that.   Tell him he seems to have some hesitation so you want to call things off.  I think the odds are overwhelming that it would put him on the defensive and he would realize how much he has to loose and get over any cold feet he has.  Of course the risk is he would not react that way.

Dangerous.  It would work with a guy who has a high self-esteem and always fights for anything they're threatening to take away from him.  Mine is a little different.  Provoking only makes things worse.   

[Turboguy]

Most guys at 38 still have at least a little growing up to do and I think a little fear of the unknown is not that unusual.   I think your original question and your last post show you are in touch with the feelings of your guy and that is a good sign. 

I agree that the tactic I mentioned would be dangerous and the other negative about it is that it would be manipulative and I think trying to manipulate anyone is not a good idea.  I think having honest communication and trying to do things in a positive constructive way is always better.

[KenC]

Most guys at 38 still have at least a little growing up to do and I think a little fear of the unknown is not that unusual.   I think your original question and your last post show you are in touch with the feelings of your guy and that is a good sign. 

I agree that the tactic I mentioned would be dangerous and the other negative about it is that it would be manipulative and I think trying to manipulate anyone is not a good idea.  I think having honest communication and trying to do things in a positive constructive way is always better.

Turbo,
Then why would you ever suggest it in the first place?

If one has to play games to win another person's heart, they are shortchanging the other person with the decception.  How anyone could do that to a person they claim to love, is beyond me.
KenC

[Turboguy]

A couple of reasons Ken.  One is I don't think it is my place to suggest behavior standards for someone else unless it is something extreme.  That suggestion was more in the category of the saying "if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours and if it doesn't it never was".   To me it is in the category of playing games which I don't believe in but most of the AW who are in the dating scene do without a seconds hesitation. 

Second reason Ken is that reading her first post got me thinking about my former marriage and the time I came closest to breaking things off while we were still going together.  This is what I talked about in my previous post and it was just in my mind.   That was probably one of the stupidest mistakes in my life.

Third reason is that my post was fairly early in this thread before a lot of others came on admitting a case of cold feet themselves.   Before hearing that it was not that uncommon I found the idea that he was having cold feet a little concerning just because it is so alien to my feelings.   Perhaps something will change for me over the next few months and my feet may start to feel a little chilly but I feel quite sure that won't happen.   To me you should be past the doubts before you do a visa and if he is having doubts perhaps giving him that option might be the best thing.  It sounds like that is not the case though from BF's last post. 

[groovlstk]

In the case of most guys here who are doing K1s, I think there needs to be a distinction between the cold feet a guy feels before his fiancee arrives and the cold feet he feels 1-90 days later when he officially ties the knot.

I can say in my case I certainly had some nagging doubts and misgivings beforehand, particularly before my fiancee arrived, but I made sure to never ever let her know I had even the tiniest concern that things wouldn't work out. She was risking a lot more than me and had a lot more to worry about, I know for a fact that if she saw that I was even slightly worried her own stress levels would have shot up through the roof. IMHO this is one of those occasions where a guy needs to step up and be strong and reassuring, regardless of his own feelings.

[Turboguy]

I would guess there could also be some distinction to draw between the normal nervousness some could experience in making a big life change and serious doubts about the correctness of a decision someone might be making.   I do think people should be sure of their decisions before they take either the K-1 or marriage plunge.  If they have doubts they should work them out first. 

[KenC]

A couple of reasons Ken.  One is I don't think it is my place to suggest behavior standards for someone else unless it is something extreme. 

But that is exactly what you did.
 

That suggestion was more in the category of the saying "if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours and if it doesn't it never was".   To me it is in the category of playing games which I don't believe in but most of the AW who are in the dating scene do without a seconds hesitation.

 
If you do not believe in playing games, why would you suggest such actions for Blues Fairy?  Your advice is ridiculous and your explanation even more so.
KenC

[William3rd]

You are right on, KenC. Completely idiotic advice- but since the poster participated in deception on these boards in the recent past, what do you expect.

[Blues Fairy]

I made sure to never ever let her know I had even the tiniest concern that things wouldn't work out. She was risking a lot more than me and had a lot more to worry about, I know for a fact that if she saw that I was even slightly worried her own stress levels would have shot up through the roof. IMHO this is one of those occasions where a guy needs to step up and be strong and reassuring, regardless of his own feelings.

That's admirable groov.

Unfortunately, being a strong woman always backfires in that the guy gets too relaxed and starts taking his insecurities out on you, thus shifting the responsibility for any serious decisions made.  I don't know how to convey the idea that doubts and concerns are the last things I want to hear right now - without appearing too demanding.  After all, everyone has the right to doubts and concerns.

[Jumper]

Honestly, I had few ,if any, reservations about the marriage day and looked foward to it, and it was amazing!
 
In general-  I'm just too stupid to be scared..
 but hey, it works for me..LOL

I would think its very normal that both  men and women have some slight misgivings..??

In my case i was extreemly positive,
because i felt both of us would be better in the long run, on many levels,  ,
 regardless of how things worked out  in the relationship.
I'm a fairly romantic person, but i guess have way too much of a pragmatic twist when viewing *marriage*.The generally thought of ,*worse case scenerio*divorce, just didnt seem that bad in the bigger picture of life experiences for both of us.
I felt that we  would both likely be better people because of our marriage, regardless its duration.
I was widowed before.. thats a worse case scenerio that puts things
in a far different perspective and context.

I'm a far better person because of my marriage..and very happy!
if things had not gone as well,  still would have been fortunante ,and better for the experience, so there was no reason for cold feet in my mind.

[KenC]

Unfortunately, being a strong woman always backfires in that the guy gets too relaxed and starts taking his insecurities out on you, thus shifting the responsibility for any serious decisions made.  I don't know how to convey the idea that doubts and concerns are the last things I want to hear right now - without appearing too demanding.  After all, everyone has the right to doubts and concerns.

Blues Fairy,
I know exactly what you are talking about when you say some men can get too relaxed around strong women.  I consider myself to be a strong man but Lena is a strong woman too.  I catch myself "slacking off" a bit to let her shoulder the burden at times.  At times she enjoys the lead role, as I am sure is your case sometimes too.  You need to communicate to your man that this is not one of those times.  Explain that with all the extra burdens you are facing (relocation to a different culture and all) you are looking to him to be your pillar of strength.  I am sure he will "man up" on the issue.  When all else fails COMMUNICATE.
KenC

[I/O]

I have to agree

OK

I agree

OK

Turbo: Seeing as you were around in the '40's, I am beginning to wonder if you are French? They agreed with everyone and look what happened to them. 

I/O