Cold feet

[Turboguy]

Moi, Je n'est pas Francias Monsiegner. 

and disagreeing with every gets you...............................?

[Misha]

Moi, Je n'est pas Francias Monsiegner. 

You do not have a Frenchman My Lord? Turbo, have you been hiding something else from your RW LOL 

[SANDRO43]

You do not have a Frenchman My Lord?

He did NOT say: "Moi, Je n'AI pas Francias Monsiegner."
What he said was: "Me, I ISN'T Francias Monsiegner.", which we can all too well believe .

[Turboguy]

If you are going to say something you might as well say it convincingly.   Anyone who is French can be postitive I am not one of them. 

[Misha]

He did NOT say: "Moi, Je n'AI pas Francias Monsiegner."
What he said was: "Me, I ISN'T Francias Monsiegner.", which we can all too well believe .

I won't correct you on your Italian Sandro, but the verbe "avoir" usually indicates "to have" (for example: "j'ai une pomme" = I have an apple) and if you want to say that you "are" then you have to use the verb "être." If I want to say that I am Franch, then I say "Je suis Français."

[groovlstk]

That's admirable groov.

Unfortunately, being a strong woman always backfires in that the guy gets too relaxed and starts taking his insecurities out on you, thus shifting the responsibility for any serious decisions made.  I don't know how to convey the idea that doubts and concerns are the last things I want to hear right now - without appearing too demanding.  After all, everyone has the right to doubts and concerns.

BF, you strike me as a strong, independent, and resourceful woman. I'm guessing your fiance was attracted to you in part because of these qualities. 

How far along are you in planning your wedding? Is it paramount that you have the details and arrangements made prior to your arrival?

My wife and I skipped all that added pressure by agreeing to marry in Vegas at our leisure during the 90-day K1 window. She had been married before so she felt no need for a big wedding, nor did I. This took a little bit of pressure off as when she arrived there was no wedding date looming.

This past July we held a more formal celebration with family and friends.

I know you have no intention of coming to the US on a trial basis--the mere suggestion is insulting--but if it makes things more manageable for your fiance, why not ask him to take things one step at a time? Worry about your arrival first, get settled and see how things are going, then get hitched.

Either way, good luck getting past this hurdle.

[55North]

Very much agree groovlstk.
 
Last December, my Ukr ex-Fiancee arrived in the UK, but returned to Kyiv in about a month to take care of property matters.  She's still there, saying that she does want still marry me.  The fact that she took a month's work in Kyiv (temporarily?) upon her return was enough for me to review all the little niggles of the relationship to date, and to get cold feet.  I called it all off, and she wasn't greatly upset at that point.  Ideally, she would like me to visit Kyiv as a regular partner.  That's not for me.

After 5 months of playing the agency sites again, and after the greatest single trip abroad of my life, I'm at the Fiancee Visa point again.  On the face of it, it sounds crazy after last winter's events, and so soon, but I have absolutely no question of niggles or cold feet this time, even though the visa consul may have other ideas.   
 
I know (in retrospect) who I genuinely loved in my life, and Alla will be the last.  Even though I have no doubt about our future success together,  I'm not making any plans or assumptions about it until 1) the visa is obtained 2) she's here.  That's being pragmatic.

[SANDRO43]

I won't correct you on your Italian Sandro, but the verbe "avoir" usually indicates "to have" (for example: "j'ai une pomme" = I have an apple) and if you want to say that you "are" then you have to use the verb "être." If I want to say that I am FrEnch, then I say "Je suis Français."

Precisely, but you wrote:

You do not have a Frenchman My Lord?

Sorry, I fail to see what point you're trying to make in your riposte .

[Misha]

Precisely, but you wrote:Sorry, I fail to see what point you're trying to make in your riposte .

The point, Turbo should avoid writing in French 

[Turboguy]

C'est vrai.

[SANDRO43]

The point, Turbo should avoid writing in French

Quite agree and, BTW, it's: "Je suis français", nationalities are NOT capitalised in most languages, French included .

[Misha]

Quite agree and, BTW, it's: "Je suis français", nationalities are NOT capitalised in most languages, French included .

You are right. I must remind myself, never write a post after an evening out with Russians where a bottle of vodka was involved

[Turboguy]

You are doing better than my French teacher long long ago.  Actually she was George Washingtons sister so she had gone to France with her brother and had a chance to practice the real thing.  

[55North]

You are right. I must remind myself, never write a post after an evening out with Russians where a bottle of vodka was involved

Just the one?

[Misha]

Just the one?

Myself, my friend, and our wives with a 40-ounce bottle. Fortunately, he did not have a second bottle handy.

[Blues Fairy]

How far along are you in planning your wedding? Is it paramount that you have the details and arrangements made prior to your arrival?

I know you have no intention of coming to the US on a trial basis--the mere suggestion is insulting--but if it makes things more manageable for your fiance, why not ask him to take things one step at a time?

Your advice is very wise groov and now after some talks and deliberation I'm arriving to the same cautious "one step at a time" strategy.  A nice wedding would be desirable, of course, since it's my first marriage (and I hope the last) - but in the large scheme of things, I couldn't care less about how we do it.  What I do really care about is when I can hope to start a family - I've just turned 33 and Russians rarely wait until 30, it's a cultural thing...  Also I used to think the kids issue should be discussed before marriage, even before the entry on K-1.  Apparently men's brains work differently and I have to suck it up for now, and just hope that he'll arrive to it one step at a time?  Seems like a big gamble to me.      

[KenC]

Your advice is very wise groov and now after some talks and deliberation I'm arriving to the same cautious "one step at a time" strategy.  A nice wedding would be desirable, of course, since it's my first marriage (and I hope the last) - but in the large scheme of things, I couldn't care less about how we do it.  What I do really care about is when I can hope to start a family - I've just turned 33 and Russians rarely wait until 30, it's a cultural thing...  Also I used to think the kids issue should be discussed before marriage, even before the entry on K-1.  Apparently men's brains work differently and I have to suck it up for now, and just hope that he'll arrive to it one step at a time?  Seems like a big gamble to me.      

Blues Fairy,
The highlited portion of your post is cause for concern IMO.  If the two of you have not talked through your (unified) position regarding children, you two are about to take a huge gamble.  We here at RWD have seen one very good marriage go "poof" over this exact issue.  I really do not know what to advise you at this point however.  It seems a little "12th hour" for this discussion as it should have been covered, as you said, prior to this point.  Good luck to you.
enC

[Blues Fairy]

It seems a little "12th hour" for this discussion as it should have been covered, as you said, prior to this point. 

Don't take me wrong, the issue was raised early in the engagement and I had my fiance's guarantee that my expectations would be met.  But now that my interview approaches he starts to talk differently.  I wonder if it's just cold feet due to my pressure.  I wonder if I should suck it up or keep asking for reaffirmed guarantee at the risk of totally scaring off the poor guy.

Why do men freak out so much at the mention of kids, anyway?   

[William3rd]

Spell out the issue of children BEFORE you marry this guy. YES or NO. If he has deviated from his earlier discussions with you on children, you may want to get cold feet yourself.

They dont freak out at the mention of children. It is part of the deal if the man is mature to begin with.

[BillyB]

  I wonder if I should suck it up or keep asking for reaffirmed guarantee at the risk of totally scaring off the poor guy.

Why ask again? Get a written guarantee in a prenup! Ask William for details.

Actually Blues Fairy, you need to talk to your man again about HIS view of future children without YOU pressuring him to have kids in marriage. If his response isn't something you like, then you need to think about moving on in life without him. Do you really want to have kids with a man who doesn't want them?

[Turboguy]

It does not sound like a good situation to me.   It seems like the more you try to talk to him to know for sure how he feels the more nervous he becomes.   It seems to me too like you really need to have a long hard talk with him, yet that is likely to make him more nervous.   It just does not sound like a good situation to me and I have to say I am a little worried for you. 

[KenC]

Don't take me wrong, the issue was raised early in the engagement and I had my fiance's guarantee that my expectations would be met.  But now that my interview approaches he starts to talk differently.  I wonder if it's just cold feet due to my pressure.  I wonder if I should suck it up or keep asking for reaffirmed guarantee at the risk of totally scaring off the poor guy.

Why do men freak out so much at the mention of kids, anyway?   

Blues Fairy,
If you two already have an understanding regarding children, let it go for now.  There is a lot on his plate right now and there is no need to overflow it with things already understood.  One step at a time now.  Visa.  Relocate.  Marriage.  And sometime in the future children.  Do not overwhelm him with everything right now.
KenC

[Todd]

Very interesting discussion.

First, I never really felt the cold feet phenomenon.  For me, I devoted a great deal of thought ahead of the proposal to be sure that I was ready.  Of course, I've never been married before, so I might not know any better.

As for our wedding, I've never had any strong feelings one way or the other.  Thus, we decided on a small wedding in Denver.  One of her friends and her husband attended, and I didn't invite anyone from my family (otherwise, they all would have wanted to come.)  The wedding took place in Denver at the JP after a weekend of enjoying the city and the adjoining mountains.  I had a dinner for my friends in Boston about 2 weeks after that.  I'm happy that we avoided the costs of a wedding so that we could devote the extra cash to helping Kate get set up here.  (The mean cost of a wedding was over $20 K last year...although I believe the median is still just under $10 K.)  I would put in a second vote for how Grov handled his wedding.  Kate and I were there in July and really enjoyed the festivities.

Finally, as to having children, I initially thought that having them sooner was better, but, as Kate deals with hitting her stride in the US, this date has been delayed.  It is likely that Kate will be in the US over 4 years before she and I have our first child.  Also, Kate was leaning towards having one whereas I was hoping for 2 or even 3.  Now, as the reality of the situation nears, we seem to be aligned on having the first and seeing how we feel for a second after that.  The important thing about this issue is to always be communicating on this subject and all others that are important to you. 

I wish you the best of luck,

Todd

[Phil dAmore]

I wonder if it's normal for a man to experience an attack of "cold feet" some months or weeks before the wedding.

Yes.  It's called a "Moment of Clarity"  It is at this point when a man has to ask himself what it is that he REALLY wants.

Too many guys pass this indicator off as butterflies or cold feet and about 6 months to a year later realize that they made a huge mistake.  But then it's too late.

Remember:  Getting married is like getting a telephone call in the middle of the night:  First you get a ring and THEN you wake up!

[Blues Fairy]

If you two already have an understanding regarding children, let it go for now.  There is a lot on his plate right now and there is no need to overflow it with things already understood. 

The "understanding" right now is as follows:
he = 50% pro, 50% contra ("suddenly" realized he wants to start on his PhD; afraid that he'll be too old by the time kids go to college);
me = 100% pro and soon (before I'm 35).

The average is 75% pro, 25% contra - not that bad.   Considering all the other pressures he's under, I'm willing to let the issue go for now.  But I know damn well that people who work on their PhDs may be stuck in them for a long, long time.  And time is exactly what I don't have.