How you met your wife or fiance part II

[ScottinCrimea]

Given the more vocal members of this forum, you would think that the best odds are WMVM.  I thing this poll shows that WOVO is indeed alive and well.

Bruce, I disagree with yoiur definition of WOVO as I feel it is too narrow.  If a man writes many introduction letters, narrows this down to a few and then finally to one and then decides to visit that one, he is still a WOVO because at the time of his decision to visit he is writing to one and only one woman.  This differs from those that continue writing to several while they visit their first choice.

[pk-uk]

I can assure you if that is a decent girl and you write and chat to her and all is goin  great , it is unlikely you wont like her in person really, even if she is not that stunning in appearance she will conquer you with her spirit and wonderful soul , well of course many things can happen but if your relations are genuine and sincere from the start it should be all good in the end

But Jazzy, you can't really assure.  Again I would say it is down to personal experiences and the individual.  Believe me, in my heart I would have loved to be able to go down the WOVO route, but I know from my past experiences that the chances of me finding "the special one" who felt the same about me meant that any chances of success were slim.

Like I mentioned elsewhere, when I decided I wanted to remarry and felt in the right shape to be of any good to anyone I didn't know about this internet and mail-order brides  and dating by internet thing.  I made opportunities to meet loads of people and made some friends, but didn't find anybody I felt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

When I did discover you could mail-order a bride I didn't belive that either, but as I said, saw it as a way to meet more people.  And yes, I did exchange letters and chat - though I couldn't always do that as I was happy to meet those who didn't speak my language (and I certainly didn't speak theirs).  And yes, I did met some fantastic and interesting people but my over-riding criteria, even if I liked the person, was always could I spend the rest of my life with them.

And it is not whether I will like the girl, Jazzy.  It is will she like me.  I really liked Anna from St P.  I could see myself living a life with her.  But even though she found me romantic, a really nice person and great fun (her words) it didn't feel right for her.

Tanya from Kherson really liked me.  We had a fantastic exchange of e-mails, talked on the phone etc.  We had a fantastic time together.  She was the funniest and most fun person I met.  And I really, really liked her.  However, I just could not picture myself spending the rest of my life with her.  Being a friend, absolutely.  A wife, no. Believe me, she liked me so much - and it really did show - that I cried on the train out because I had to tell her I didn't think it would work for me.

Plus if you observe the phsycology of many (not all ) women you can say that they will agree with me, each woman wants to be special , unique and individual and wants the man to focus all his attention on her and not to be chosen like horse from the flock cos she has nice white solid teeth, finally we are talking about people here and not about animals or goods

Of course most - if not all - women wants to be special, unique and individual and wants the the man to focus his attention on her. Similarly, I would like  have a woman who is special, unique and individual and focuses all her attention on me and I'm sure many men would feel the same.  In my particular case, that I deserve, "because I am worth it".

And no, I do not mock Serebro here.  I think she has a fantastic attitude when she says that and I fully understand what she means.

But to me, it was never ever choosing a horse from a flock and I don't think my wife ever felt that either.  If there ever was a flock, it was a very large flock for there are many, many women in this world.  It was always about the opportunity to meet people in the hope that I might find someone special.  i am sure other like me feel the same - even if some use the WMVM for other purposes.

I suppose in retrospect I should ask the question would I have met someone special if I had gone WOVO?  Of course, I don't know.  I could have, I might  have.  Then, would I have met my wife if I had gone WOVO.  Probably not.

Was there anything I would call romantic or special on out first meeting.  Absolutely.  It was totally different and unique.  And for her?  She says from the minute we met she felt there was something different about me. And as for being part of the "flock" that I met, that in itself incredible as with Alla, anything that could have gone wrong did so from the very beginning.

I'm not trying to change anybody's mind, Jazzy.  That there is no particular route to success and any way might work - or not, as the case may be - is true. And of course, we are all individuals with our own thoughts and values.   But whatever, I would like to think that I treated the people I met like people and not like animals or goods.

My memories are of meeting a lot of very interesting people, who I was interested to learn more about. I was shown great hospitality, invited into many homes, met many parents, shared many, many toasts and learnt a lot.  In many ways it restored my faith in the way people would show kindness to strangers.

In some ways I envy those who find success the WOVO way, but I must say, from my own personal experience my life is richer and fuller the way I did it and so, surely, my life choices were not wrong in this case - and neither were my wife's.  She certainly did not feel like being chosen like an animal from a flock and felt tretaed with respect as an individiual from the outset.  I am sure there are others like me within the WMVM brigade.

Not wishing to change anybody's mind here, but maybe trying to encourage a little reflection as to whether there might be a different way of looking at it.

I wish you all the best.

Paul

[Gator]

Serebro,

You were correct to not meet the one man with whom you corresponded for a long time.  Not because he was meeting other women, but because he misled you if not lied to you.
 

When you are going to meet one you think about it all the time, you prepare for the meeting.. but if you are going to visit many you don't pay attention to one woman as an unique person, she is only one of many and at the end of meeting you are curious what the next one will be like...

Not true for me, and I do not think I am alone.  Yes, us WMVM are not as romantic as a WOVO men, yet some of us are still sincere and will always behave as gentlemen.  The situation is not as bad as you envision it.

Let us examine the hypothetical man who looks good on paper, telephone calls suggest he is sincere and interesting, and he admits to his intent to meet others.  If you dismiss this hypothetical man, you will eliminate all possible outcomes of a meeting.  Those outcomes:

1.  He likes you and you like him.  Great!!!!  Now you both must decide where and when to spend more time together.

2.  He likes you and you do not like him.  He is seeing other women, so you can say goodbye without hesitation. 

3.  He does not like you and you do not like him.  Easy parting.

4.  You like him and he still intends to see other women.   Not a good sign.  However, this may be Case No. 1 and he feels obligated to meet the other women because he promised such.  To some men, a promise is not to be broken.   You ignore one such other meetings and then you put your foot down, creating a litmus test.

5.  You like him and he has no further interest in meeting you.  Is this what you fear?  For some reason I do not envision you losing in a competition among RW.  If you do come in second place, this is good because if he had not seen other women, the two of you may have lingered together and eventually parted after wasting each other's time. 

My advice for you with such hypothetical men.  Please do not react to my advice; just file it away.  If you ignore me, my feelings will not be hurt.

Ask the question directly about whwther he intends to meet other women.  If "yes", do the following:

1.  To protect your pride and even more important facets, do not sleep with any man who does not plan to focus on you and only you.  You must feel it and hear it.

2.  Keep your meetings short, such as a weekend. 

3.  Have him come to your city.  If not possible, ask him to send you money for flights or to buy you tickets online.

4.  Keep your pipeline filled with men and keep them advancing towards a meeting until you decide to become mutually exclusive with one.   The more meetings, the better. 

My point is that staying home is not the answer.  To hit a home run, you must go to the plate and bat, even if the pitcher is difficult to hit (sorry for the baseball analogy).  You very well may hit a home run (i. e., find your prince).  The more at bats, the more likely you will.

[Bruce]

Gator, that is a great post for any RW, or might I add, any women looking for the guy of her dreams.

[KenC]

Gator,
Isn't your advice like:
In order to find your Prince, you must kiss a lot of frogs

But of course in this case we are not talking about Frenchmen!
KenC

[pk-uk]

1.  To protect your pride and even more important facets, do not sleep with any man who does not plan to focus on you and only you.  You must feel it and hear it.

2.  Keep your meetings short, such as a weekend. 

3.  Have him come to your city.  If not possible, ask him to send you money for flights or to buy you tickets online.

4.  Keep your pipeline filled with men and keep them advancing towards a meeting until you decide to become mutually exclusive with one.   The more meetings, the better. 

Would agree - excellent advice.

Might even add

- if he says he is meeting other women but really is only interested in you, take caution (or don't even meet him)

- if he even asks or suggests to have sex, similarly.  You don't even have to kiss the frog WMVM if you don't want to

- if you are afraid of being labelled a scammer for asking for money in the scenario above, don't be.  The guy isn't worth it - even less his opinions.  Just move on.  By asking, you are least giving him the chance he wants to meet you, without you having to help pay for it.

PK

[William3rd]

I would add- and if he lies to you about anything, dump him and move on.

Same criteria that the men want to use. It would seem that the WMVM would quickly become extinct if the women were to follow all this. . . . .

[Misha]

Ask the question directly about whether he intends to meet other women.  If "yes", do the following:

1.  To protect your pride and even more important facets, do not sleep with any man who does not plan to focus on you and only you.  You must feel it and hear it.

2.  Keep your meetings short, such as a weekend. 

3.  Have him come to your city.  If not possible, ask him to send you money for flights or to buy you tickets online.

4.  Keep your pipeline filled with men and keep them advancing towards a meeting until you decide to become mutually exclusive with one.   The more meetings, the better. 

My point is that staying home is not the answer.  To hit a home run, you must go to the plate and bat, even if the pitcher is difficult to hit (sorry for the baseball analogy).  You very well may hit a home run (i. e., find your prince).  The more at bats, the more likely you will.

I agree. Simply put, a woman would be doing the same thing she would or should be doing when dating a local guy. If she is interested, she would go out on a date. If she likes him and enjoyed the date, she will agree to more dates. If things do not click, he will date other women and she will be free to date other men. If they do continue dating, then at some point they may decide to become mutually exclusive and may at some point get married. It would be ridiculous if a RW would expect that a RM who asks her out on a date would be interested in her and only her and would have to guarantee her that he won't date anybody else. A first date is simply that: a first meeting when you can figure out whether it is worthwhile to pursue things any further.

[corp]

As usual, I am late to the party.


My story is not all that unusual.
Except that *she* wrote me first.

Following the advice of someone on (I think) this message board I placed my profile on a site which caters to individuals (it's not an agency).
I had used this site before as a paying member, contacting ladies via email but found the response ratio was a little low. Then I placed my profile and within the first week or so, I got 10-20 emails from ladies. While I don't recall any of them having signs of being a scammer only one really stuck out, it was the lady I am with now.

The most frustrating thing about her was she wrote such small letters, I knew her english was minimal but she wrote me maybe 4 times a week from the library and that kinda made up for it.
 Soon I started calling her and she just impressed me as a super nice person, always in a cheerful mood and happy to hear from me no matter what time I called.

I was trying to focus my search in Ukraine and her being from Russia, kinda messed up my plan, it was tough to decide to go see her or another lady in Lviv (which I also had a very positive feeling about), I went to Russia mainly because Natalia said she would take off from work when I came and the other lady was a teacher.

 I always set up a few ladies to visit on a trip but there was little time to do this now, the best I could do was ask on here about some agencies in the area in case things fell apart. As it worked out, things went great. The girl was every bit as kind and decent face to face as she was over the phone and she was even better looking too!
 I get along great with her family, in fact, her and her mother will not stop buying me gifts, I know it is costing a fortune to send them to me.

================
I think this dating thing is changing all the time, sites come and go, demographics change, ... I think you must be flexible and use any method available and try different things. Also, different personalities respond better to different modes of meeting people. You must find what works for you but be flexible as you learn more and as things change. When I first started writing few woman had computers, this is changing rapidly.

I tried to find patterns to the girls I met.

Most had a computer
some spoke english most did not.
I was the first foreign dater most had met.
 I met very few via an agency
only 2 ever asked me for anything.
Most were decent ladies that I would recommend to a friend.