Would you marry a woman with a child?

[Serebro]

Would you marry a woman with a child and why?

[timothe]

I am engaged to a woman with a 13yr old daughter.  I have never been married and I don't have children of my own, so I didn't see a child as a barrier to the relationship.  (I may or may not have children in the future.)  When I met my fiancee five years ago, her daughter was 8yr old.  If I were starting now, I may be put off by a teenage child.  (not sure...)

[Serebro]

timothe, you met her 5 years ago, why it took you both such a long time to move to the next step and what is the girl's(her daughter's) attitude towards you?

[Flyfisheron]

Whan I married my ex, she had an 8 year old girl who I adopted two months after we were married.  We had two more children together during the marriage.  Nine years after the marrige, the wife was gone, and all three kids were still living with me.  I never saw my oldest as being any different from either of the other kids.  She was my daughter as much as they were, and I always treated her as such.  The only issue that ever comes up is explaing how at 42 I've got kids 13, 16, and 25...lol.

I wouldn't hesitate to do it again.  I'm a strong believer that love grows exponentially...the more the merrier.

[USCFAN]

I would consider it ... if the lady was everything I had ever hoped for in a life partner, I certainly would not let 'having a child' stop my feelings for her or cause me not to marry her.

It would not be my 'first' choice. Not because I would want my own with my new wife. I would prefer that 'alone' time the first 2-3 years as we fully get to know each other. I'm looking forward to that 'newlywed' fun and feeling inside that comes easier without a little one around 

[wxman]

My fiancee has a daughter and I do not have any regrets. The daughter is truly a wonderful, bright and happy child who has added so much to my life. My fiancee is a beautiful and loving mother who I admire and respect. I find that women with children have a higher level of maturity and are more focused on what is important in life. My fiancee understands that the world does not revolve around herself or me. It's amazing when you can meet one person who loves you, having their child love you, and being able to give that love back to them is a blessing.

[timothe]

timothe, you met her 5 years ago, why it took you both such a long time to move to the next step and what is the girl's(her daughter's) attitude towards you?

 

I wrote about our long relationship in my recent trip report.   http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=5965.0

 Although I didn't meet her on my last trip, I've met Olga's daughter a couple of times when she was younger and I've spoken with her by telephone as well.  She likes me, as far as I can tell. 

Also, I agree with wxman.  I gravitated towards women with children because they seemed more mature and ready for the next stage in life.

[av8or1]

No.  Because I want my own family.

Now before any of you politically correct types out there (or anyone else) decide to flame away, I ask you to remember that such a choice is my business.  I don't mind if others marry when their future spouse already has a child, that is their decision.  I will agree that it's possible to have a good family this way (marrying with a child) and that the children can be just like they were your very own.  All I am saying is that such a choice is not for me.  So...just as you may have a differing opinion on the subject, realize that this is mine.  I ask you to respect that by not telling me how wrong I am (note that I am NOT telling you how wrong you are), how insensitive I am, how "WRONG!" I am, how bad of a person I must be, how uncaring I am, how unfeeling I am and how I am completely devoid of any decent character.  None of those things are true, I simply have a different view on the issue than you do.  Nothing more, nothing less.

<groaning> I get really, really, REALLY tired of our PC society these days.

Jerry

[I/O]

My wife had a very young child when we first met. She has not been previously married. It suited me perfectly in one sense as she would like to have at least one more child, I have no children but would like to have perhaps one and at my age I am not prepared to go through the 2 or 3 children stage as by the time the second or third one was 21, I would be in my mid or late 60's and I think it better to be nearer the children's age than that. Simply my view of things in that respect.

There is many difficulties to overcome and it brings a whole new set of issues. IIRC BC said something along the lines of a child involved not making the issues X 2 but rather 2 squared and I concur. However I do believe for the individual who is prepared to go this route the rewards are also squared.

Further, I was never looking to deflower some virgin teenager, but was rather looking for a partner in every sense of the word. Someone who has seen enough of life to stand their ground and get right back in my face when appropriate. It was never something I went specifically looking for but I certainly didn't resist from that perspective (Children) when she came my way.

I/O

[BillyB]

Would you marry a woman with a child and why?

No, I already once married a woman who had a child from a different man. If there is going to be more children in a future marriage, I want it to be my own.

[Gator]

Yes for a few reasons.

1.  I love kids and both of my RW fiancees had young children.  I have known one of these women for over 5 years, and the kids and I are very close, as in the little girl cried when she learned that we broke up.  Now that we are back together, she is even closer.

2.  Some of the women I dated had children who were out of the house (wish I could do that in America).   Overall, the projected family situations after marriage  did not seem as much fun as with those who had  younger children.  I. e., the women with young children were more family focused than those without.

3.  Both of the women I dated in their late 30s and early 40s without children seemed to have some wind in their head (i. e., nut cases).  Again, my sample size is two. 

4.  I corresponded with a few others in this age range without children, and they all wanted to have a baby.  Not me as I am not big on the pregnancy and vegetable (infant) stages, nor even the getting pregnant stage either as it can be too scientific and too much like work and too emotional when it does not take effect.

5.  Women with children seemed to know more about what they wanted in life.

6.  Other reasons but these are enough.

[bgreed]

I married a wonderful woman who had a great little boy from her pervious marriage.  I enjoy being around kids so for me it was no problem.  As a matter of fact when I was looking I was looking specifically for a woman who had a young child (no I'm not a pervert) just that I had always wanted more than the two from my previous marriage.  Also I felt that a woman who had experienced the responsibility of bringing up a child would be more stable in a relationship.  And so I now have four children. a boy and a girl from my previoius marriage, her son from her previous marriage and now our son who is three days old today!!

[pitbull]

No.  Because I want my own family.

Now before any of you politically correct types out there (or anyone else) decide to flame away, I ask you to remember that such a choice is my business.  I don't mind if others marry when their future spouse already has a child, that is their decision.  I will agree that it's possible to have a good family this way (marrying with a child) and that the children can be just like they were your very own.  All I am saying is that such a choice is not for me. 

Jerry

Jerry,

There is nothing wrong with your wish to marry a woman without children-your right totally, and very logical.
When I was looking I didn't have children, and I didn't even start communication with men with kids who contacted me. My husband also would never marry a woman with a child/children and we have similar views on the issue.
Marriage, and especially international marriage, is complicated enough, and these initial 2-3 years of "newlyweds" time are pivotal for creating a long lasting relationship, getting to really know each other and just enjoying each other. A child complicates the whole endeavor exponentially. I like children but am not crazy about other people's children, so am only willing to deal with my own in the long run 
Another story is financial side-a man who marries an FSU woman with a child should realize and be ready to spend a lot of money on other man's child (if he does right by the kid)-good education is very expensive and will only get more expensive in future.
I applaud the guys who do that, and women who marry guys with a child or several and work hard to become a good stepmother. It's just not what I or my husband wanted to do.

P.S.: Clearly, if I were single with a child and looking, my post would be probably very different 

[viking]

Serebro, my answer is yes.

I had my family. Raised two wonderful daughters and I love children. They are the salt of the earth. So having her child from a previous marriage is not a problem. Secondly, if the woman I have an interest in (and at the moment I do) had a child, it's an all or nothing deal. The age of the child is a bit of a concern. At my age I would prefer if the child was older only because of the differences in ages between me and the child. Fortunately, in my search, I had corresponded only with more mature women. If I was in my forties or so, then a small child would be most welcome. The woman I am speaking to has an 18yo son, and assuming things work out, he would be most welcome in my home. I do not need, nor want, to have a mutual child in my next relationship.

[William3rd]

Hey- it isnt a matter of PC, AV. You are only contacting women without children, so more power to you.

PC kicks in when the stated preference is for no children but the guy is communicating with single moms because they are just too good to pass up or he might change his mind later or other similar crap.

I have never ruled out children from other relationships mainly because I am done with having them but I have a 13 year old still in the nest. If I am expecting a woman to accept mine, then how can I be reluctant to accept hers?

[ScottinCrimea]

I checked the "already married" box but my answer is obviously yes since I did marry a woman with a child.  She was 12 when my wife and I met and is 16 now.  Has it complicated things?  Sure, but it has also added some rewards as well.  I had already gone through 3 teenage daughters so I knew exactly what I was getting into and it probably should have dissuaded me, but the upside of marrying my wife far outweighs the downside of having to deal with the teenage angst all over again.

[Simoni]

I was open to her having children.  But quite honestly, I preferred she not, and that is what I got.

But it did not stop me meeting women with kids.  Most of them are eager to find a good husband and father, and so that is a good group of women to meet and date.

Marina and I want a family together, and are "working at it."  So I think we will have the best of all worlds someday :-)

[pk-uk]

Although I ticked the 'yes' box, Serebro, I am already married.

When I was searching I had a specific age-range in mind and had a preference for woman with a child.

Why?

- I had kids of my own (living with mother) and missed having them around
- Kids put you through a lot and help mature you (my opinion - not necessarily fact) and I felt I wanted someone who had coped with that
- I was unsure whether an older woman without kids would be more 'homely' than not and whether she might be more self-centred, especially if never married (in her 30's).  That said, I did meet some.

I would have preferred a younger child, but Vika was just 15 when she arrived.  Why younger?  Because she was at probably the worst age possible to enter into our education system.  I was also concious I was taking her away from an established life.

Problems?  She cried just about every night for the first six months (as opposed to weekly for three months for her mum).  It took six months before she could reasonably follow a lesson in class.  By that time she was half-way through the two-year syllabus for her first important set of exams.

Five or so years on she had got through college and come out with a diploma.  She didn't want to go to University but got herself a reasonable job.

At 19, she left home to live in a flat with a friend from work, but found it tough money-wise.  I told her about the issues I had to face when I was younger in trying to strike a balance with money.  I'm not sure my wife has ever forgiven me as within a year Vika returned home and bought the sports convertible she wanted instead.

She used to go to visit friends once or twice a year.  She went back in September this year and wanted to come home as soon as she hit the tarmac in Kiev.  She's 21 next week.  I guess she's settled 

Paul

[Misha]

In my case, the women I dated were in their mid-twenties and none had children. It would not have been a deal breaker for me. However, I know that a lot of women were not interested in me because I had children from a previous marriage. I thought it was fair and respected their choice. It would be interesting to compare the attitude of men and women: are men more likely or less likely to accept a partner with children than women?

[Gator]

Gaubaub wrote,

It would be interesting to compare the attitude of men and women: are men more likely or less likely to accept a partner with children than women?

From my own experience, men are more likely to accept children.  Sample sixe - 1.

My fiancee did not return letters of men with children her age, saying that her own kids were driving her crazy, and more would be impossible.  She wants to do more than stay at home all day and raise children.  Thus, she replied only to younger men with no children or to old dudes like me (one 23-yo still at home who was 16 yo when we first communicated).

[55North]

I have never particularly wanted children, and have reached an age where it is a definite.  I am 58, and also not financially flush enough to embark on child-rearing.
 
My first FSU engagement withered for a variety of sound reasons.  My ex-fiancee was 47, and childless, which is one of the reasons that I start communication.
 
It is only now, having fallen head-over-heels (as they used to say), that I'm wondering again about certain characteristics of my previous relationship, and how completely different is the behaviour and attitude of my present fiancee.
 
Is this because she's a widow who has spent a large part of her life as a mother, raising 2 boys, now in their 20s, and in Florida, whilst teaching infants, having sold the family home to put the boys through university.  I've watched her at work (now as a nanny), and she is undoubtfully one of life's natural nuturers / carers, and I'm now on the receiving end!
 
Nirvana.  I hope I don't ultimately disappoint.

[Phil dAmore]

To those that are willing and able to take on a woman who has a child, I salute you.  I once knew of a guy who married a gal from St. Petersburg who was pregnant with another man's baby (I seem to recall that the man had died leaving a pregnant gal).  Now THAT's dedication... or extreme laziness, if you think about it....

Getting involved with a woman who already has a child (or children) means you have to win over multiple hearts... and sometimes the kids can be very difficult to win over.

Seriously, some guys can take on a ready-made family and some can't.  As for me, Nina's daughter was already 18 when we met so her having a 'kid' wasn't going to be an issue.. or so I thought.

Guys, know this:  No matter how much she loves you, no matter how dedicated and loyal she is to you, she will always love her own kids more... no matter how old those kids get!   Nina's daughter is married and has a child of her own now and Nina will still drop everything in the middle of the night to run and be by her daughter's side if requested (and she is requested.. frequently).

[I/O]

Phil raises or touches on a good point here. In a marriage where there is not children previously involved, both partners are each others number one love and the love of children is something that comes later. Where there is a pre existing child, that child will always be the first love of the given parant. It does not mean that parent will love his or her partner less, but the partner will be the second love. Guys who are considering a lady with a child should get used to that and be aware as to whether or not they can handle this dynamic.

Never get between a hen and her chicks or you are issuing a death wish. To some extent, marrying a woman with a child, a guy is doing exactly that, getting between a hen and her chicks. It can be a slippery slope to traverse and IMO a guy needs to have a good grip on mother earth or he is going to end up at the bottom of the pile pretty quickly.

At home, I am a fairly easy going person, but when push comes to shove, everyone in the house knows who calls the shots. It is not necessary to be a tyrant in any way shape or form, but a guys needs to be strong enough to command the respect of both mother and child or he is in for a miserable existence.

The flip side is that if he has what it takes to gain that respect of all, the benefits are almost unlimited.

I/O

[pk-uk]

Is this because she's a widow who has spent a large part of her life as a mother, raising 2 boys, now in their 20s, and in Florida, whilst teaching infants, having sold the family home to put the boys through university.  I've watched her at work (now as a nanny), and she is undoubtfully one of life's natural nuturers / carers, and I'm now on the receiving end!

Interesting.  When I started my search I thought I'd  be better of with someone from one of the caring professions or someone daling with children.  I didn't make it mandatory, but as it happens....

I think I've come across the same   

Paul

[ScottinCrimea]

Just to give you some idea of what I've gotten myself into, here's a couple of pics of my Ukrainian daughter.  It's a darned shame I couldn't bring my shotgun to Ukraine!