Please convince me otherwise

[solomon]

Hats off to you guys who have found a serious fiance or a bride, because I am rapidly becoming convinced that the probability of this working is low (and I thought my luck with AW's was bad). Went to the Ukraine in May, met about 80 women, individually with about 12, and asked one to marry me (she accepted). She is great in every way except one small detail. I just sent her an email calling it off, including my scheduled trip to see her next week for 10 days.

She told me that she wants to finish dental school, which is another two years (a typically worthless degree in the US). I am not waiting two years to be with her and even if she tells me that she will come to the US and not finish school (which she did already), that leaves me with little confidence that it will actually happen, particularly because her formerly physically abusive mother wants her to finish school.

So, I start the search again (after already having pissed away a fantastic amount of money) and I dont see a bright future. While in the Ukraine, only one out of 6 women that I had been consistently corresponding with before my arrival was able to meet with me. The others were unavailable, dead, or otherwise.

Most of the hundreds of women that I have previously written to simply dont keep the correspondence going. I suppose if I sent out 1000 letters then statistically maybe I would ultimately meet with a few of them.

Then there is of course the nuisance of the women being located somewhere between Chisinau and Vladivostok. It sounds like the bottom line is that I should wait until I am in my 50's, a multimillionaire, and have all the time in the world to look for a wife. That's a mere fifteen years away.

Please tell me why I am dead wrong. Please also tell me that that there is more than a mere probability that this will work and that it is worth the incredible amount of time, effort and money.

[BC]

Solomon,

Was your engagement was a bit hasty?

Maybe it's your writing style, but sounds more like a busted business deal than tragic ending of a relationship.

When I asked my wife to marry I had to take a lot of things into consideration.. even the possibility of moving to RU if she could not come here for whatever reason.

True love finds solutions.

With MOB there are agendas on both sides, that's why I suggest simply travelling for pleasure and not even try to find a mate. With a little luck maybe just maybe you might bump into your future wife.

Of course more time you invest better your chances..

Good luck!

[Turboguy]

Solomon, one of the things I have found in life is that you acheive in life what you work at and if you want something bad enough and are willing to work at it you will generally acheive it.

First off,  you should be very much in love with who ever you marry.  It just sorta works better that way.   If you had been in love with your fiancee you would have waited the 2 years or 20.   My gal has her interview in 23 days.   If she gets turned down, we appeal.  If that is turned down, I move to Russia.   If they won't let me move to Russia, we find somewhere we can live together.  If all the planes quit flying I take a boat to her.  If all the boats are done, I swim.

10 years, I searched for 13.   1000 women to find her.  I was way over that and a lot of that was in pre-internet days when you had to write a real letter.   I did give up once for a year.   Over 50 when you finally meet someone,  I am not going to touch that one.

It is easy to end up with a fiancee.  I sorta had one onetime that in reality I not only didn't love, I didn't even like her that much.  My interpreter did though and she was pretty and had a nice figure and was reasonably nice.   It is easy to get sucked in by a pretty face.  You need to like being with the person behind the face.

I do have to say you are right about most everything you say.  It used to drive me nuts cause I would have one I like in St Petersburg and one in Perm and one in Omsk and one at Lake Bikal.    I discovered something a few years ago that really helped.  These gals will travel to meet you if they see some hope in the situation.   You might have to kick in some dough for transportation but it is nice to sit in Mosocw and have them come to you and you can control the start and stop points better.

 

[BC]

Solomon, one of the things I have found in life is that you acheive in life what you work at and if you want something bad enough and are willing to work at it you will generally acheive it.

Unless it's a woman that you want.

..remember often telling yourself 'I am gonna gonna go get laid tonight'? -never worked for me.

Like mosquitoes you never know when or where you will get 'bitten'.

[GregfromGa]

Let me get this straight. You went to Ukraine and met some girls and you asked one to marry you. She said that she felt she needed to finish her education in Ukraine and thats asking too much because the degree would be worthless in Montana. You called off the big wedding and have decided to soldier on to find another chick. Is this about right?

[solomon]

Let me get this straight. You went to Ukraine and met some girls and you asked one to marry you. She said that she felt she needed to finish her education in Ukraine and thats asking too much because the degree would be worthless in Montana. You called off the big wedding and have decided to soldier on to find another chick. Is this about right?

No.

[solomon]

Solomon, one of the things I have found in life is that you acheive in life what you work at and if you want something bad enough and are willing to work at it you will generally acheive it.

First off,  you should be very much in love with who ever you marry.  It just sorta works better that way.   If you had been in love with your fiancee you would have waited the 2 years or 20.   My gal has her interview in 23 days.   If she gets turned down, we appeal.  If that is turned down, I move to Russia.   If they won't let me move to Russia, we find somewhere we can live together.  If all the planes quit flying I take a boat to her.  If all the boats are done, I swim.

10 years, I searched for 13.   1000 women to find her.  I was way over that and a lot of that was in pre-internet days when you had to write a real letter.   I did give up once for a year.   Over 50 when you finally meet someone,  I am not going to touch that one.

It is easy to end up with a fiancee.  I sorta had one onetime that in reality I not only didn't love, I didn't even like her that much.  My interpreter did though and she was pretty and had a nice figure and was reasonably nice.   It is easy to get sucked in by a pretty face.  You need to like being with the person behind the face.

I do have to say you are right about most everything you say.  It used to drive me nuts cause I would have one I like in St Petersburg and one in Perm and one in Omsk and one at Lake Bikal.    I discovered something a few years ago that really helped.  These gals will travel to meet you if they see some hope in the situation.   You might have to kick in some dough for transportation but it is nice to sit in Mosocw and have them come to you and you can control the start and stop points better.

 

Turbo,

Being in love with the girl is not an issue. She told me that she would give up school. Even being in love, two years is too long. If it was two years and I could see her once a month, then this post wouldnt exist.

Regarding their locations, I am willing to set up camp in Moscow or wherever and pay for them to come see me. Even when I was in their same city, we had been corresponding, i had no shows and cancellations. So I dont have a whole lot of confidence in them getting on a plane or train to come see me, even with expenses paid.

Solomon

[solomon]

Solomon,

Was your engagement was a bit hasty?

Maybe it's your writing style, but sounds more like a busted business deal than tragic ending of a relationship.

When I asked my wife to marry I had to take a lot of things into consideration.. even the possibility of moving to RU if she could not come here for whatever reason.

True love finds solutions.

With MOB there are agendas on both sides, that's why I suggest simply travelling for pleasure and not even try to find a mate. With a little luck maybe just maybe you might bump into your future wife.

Of course more time you invest better your chances..

Good luck!

 

BC,

I dont think the engagment was hasty. It seemed perfect. I also think that she really wants to marry me. I would like to be able to just travel for pleasure, but I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want to have children. It's not happening here in the US. So I have to try something. I appreciate your encouragement.

Solomon

[BC]

Being in love with the girl is not an issue. She told me that she would give up school. Even being in love, two years is too long. If it was two years and I could see her once a month, then this post wouldnt exist.

Breaking such a serious commitment for a surmountable problem with someone that loves you is quite petty imho. Barring the possibility someone is trying the 'maintain me for a while' scam I feel sorry for the girl, but again maybe it is better for her in the long run.

If you have enough savings why not just quit and live there cheap for a couple years?.. If savings is not enough to do that then maybe financial 'doom' was forthcoming anyway..

Not beating up on you.. just trying to shed a little light from other directions.

[Bruno]

Breaking such a serious commitment for a surmountable problem with someone that loves you is quite petty imho. Barring the possibility someone is trying the 'maintain me for a while' scam I feel sorry for the girl, but again maybe it is better for her in the long run.

If you have enough savings why not just quit and live there cheap for a couple years?.. If savings is not enough to do that then maybe financial 'doom' was forthcoming anyway..

Not beating up on you.. just trying to shed a little light from other directions.

Really, i don't see any kind of problem with these girls... solomon write :

" asked one to marry me (she accepted). She is great in every way except one small detail. I just sent her an email calling it off, including my scheduled trip to see her next week for 10 days.

She told me that she wants to finish dental school, which is another two years (a typically worthless degree in the US). I am not waiting two years to be with her and even if she tells me that she will come to the US and not finish school (which she did already), that leaves me with little confidence that it will actually happen, particularly because her formerly physically abusive mother wants her to finish school. "

If i good understand, she was wishing finish her school... but you are not ready waiting these two year... so, she tell you that she is ready to come in US and stop school ... BUT YOU DON'T TRUST HER BECAUSE HER MOTHER... so, you break the relation... a love relation is between two people... if she is more that 18 year old and have choice to follow you, her mother have nothing to say... but you have not give her the chance to prove you her love, to show you that you can trust HER... Seriously, i think that you have game with these woman... and you use some strange excuse for justify your choice...

Yep, again the little detail that nobody have see... she was ready to follow you in US and stop study... the only problem is on your side, you don't trust her... how was you able to build a love relation with someone that you don't trust... She have accept your proposal, she was waiting you next week for ten day, she was perfect... and you, like a jerk, you stop all at the last moment... not because of her but her mother... If i was her, i have certainly listed you in the man black list like a keyboard Romeo... Have you never think that these 10 days was the perfect moment for convince her mother about the serious of your intention... really, guy like you give us a bad reputation... how woman can again believe us when we make something serious like a proposal to marriage...

Yes, you have use a "fantastic amount of money" but what allow you to game with the feeling of other people like this... really, keep your money, don't start a new search and stay away from FSU women... until you become more adult and know what you wish really... i don't see in you a man ready to share his life with someone other... Yes, here is the problem, you are not ready... use some time on these forum, ask a lot of thing... and maybe, in some month, you will be ready for start again or fully stop... these difficult quest...

 

 

[bbernard]

May only be me but.... with the lack of compassion, understanding and compromise on your part, you will have a hard time developing a lasting marriage with anyone but a submissive and needy slave (oops, did I really say that)... I don't know your whole situation but from what you describe here it doesn't look like you ever loved this woman or at least enough to care about her feelings over your own. Seems shallow to me...

 

bbernard

[jb]

solomon,

Man, I've been to Billings, MT... in fact the longest six years of my life was one winter I spent there.  I think one of the reasons you have trouble finding a woman is that you are geographically undesirable.  Either you check out the profiles of women living exclusively in Sibera, or consider doing a Tee-Pee crawl in Wolf Point.  If I recall correctly there's a VFW in Wolf Point where you can get a look at the local honeys on any Saturday night. :D  Some of those Souix ladies aren't half bad.

[solomon]

This is not a game.

 

 

[solomon]

solomon,

Man, I've been to Billings, MT... in fact the longest six years of my life was one winter I spent there. I think one of the reasons you have trouble finding a woman is that you are geographically undesirable. Either you check out the profiles of women living exclusively in Sibera, or consider doing a Tee-Pee crawl in Wolf Point. If I recall correctly there's a VFW in Wolf Point where you can get a look at the local honeys on any Saturday night. :D Some of those Souix ladies aren't half bad.

Huge Lol jb. Best post I have seen yet.

[solomon]

May only be me but.... with the lack of compassion, understanding and compromise on your part, you will have a hard time developing a lasting marriage with anyone but a submissive and needy slave (oops, did I really say that)... I don't know your whole situation but from what you describe here it doesn't look like you ever loved this woman or at least enough to care about her feelings over your own. Seems shallow to me...

 

bbernard

Submissive slave sounds good, but not needy. Didnt know I was expressing such a lack of compassion, understanding or compromise. Two years is too long for me.

[bbernard]

May only be me but.... with the lack of compassion, understanding and compromise on your part, you will have a hard time developing a lasting marriage with anyone but a submissive and needy slave (oops, did I really say that)... I don't know your whole situation but from what you describe here it doesn't look like you ever loved this woman or at least enough to care about her feelings over your own. Seems shallow to me...

 

bbernard

Submissive slave sounds good, but not needy. Didnt know I was expressing such a lack of compassion, understanding or compromise. Two years is too long for me. [/quote]
Actually, I did say I don't know your whole situation but two years, in my opinion, is a pretty good timeframe for courtship. Maybe in that two year period you may learn enough about her that you may determine you shouldn't marry her for one reason or the other... Are you in a rush to get married? What guarantee's are there that you may find another woman who will accept a proposal from you with in the next two years. If you don't, you would have forced yourself to wait the two years anyway. If a longterm relationship (marriage) is what you are looking for then maybe two years is not that long. How long have you known this your ex-fiance and why wasn't this discussed before you proposed? If it was a requirement for you that the woman immediately move then I think it would have been wise to be the topic of discussion prior to the proposal... I feel for you... It sucks to be in your situation but I also think it could have been avoided. That's all!!

P.S. I liked the SUbmissive slave part myself!

[Bruno]

Bruno, I appreciate your kind words such as "jerk" in this trying time. I think her overly influential mother caused her to unintentionally nuke the situation. I have placed alot of trust in her; feel free to call my interpreter in Kiev. Regarding the 10 days to convince her mother about my serious intentions, our plan was to go to Egypt (actually hers) so I would never have the chance to talk to her mother. Even if I did, that still doesnt mean much to me. I am the foreigner seeking to destroy her control by taking her daughter away.

[/quote]
So, if i go understandt, you have meet her in May... make her a marriage proposal... a new trip was planned next week in Egypt and you have cancel it at the last moment because you don't believe her when she say that she is ready to follow you in US and stop her study...

And what about her... have you pay her trip to Egypt... if not, have you imagine the amount of money can be so trip for a RW... cancel something a few day before the trip don't allow you to receive all your money back... same if she have take a annulation insurance...

And about the first trip, in May... you choose one between the 80 you have meet... and you make her a marriage proposal... without thinking more far that your nose... before start so quest, you need to be ready... meeting is not about enjoy the present moment but ready the future...

Since my misluck with Galina in May, i have communicate with several woman... we have not speak about love but about several problem that a possible love can bring... recently, i have stop with one woman who have a daughter from 16 year old... she have not think about the study of her daughter... Now, i am busy with one from Minsk, same problem with a son of 14 year old... but on both side, we try to find some solution... Since May, i have never speak about love with a woman... only try to resolve potential problem... if problem are resolved, we can try a love relation and if these relation is good, maybe i make some marriage proposal...

I have make the same mistake that you during my stay in Ukraine in May... After the refusal of Galina, i have take the first woman i have find... a sexy cute one... without really know her ( except physically ), i have make my proposal of marriage... a chance she have refuse... other, i was maybe in the same situation that you... and it will be my mistake, not her...

About convince her mother, you will never know... Galina was sure that i cannot convince his father... but he have accept... and this have lead to the end of the "relation"...

Solomon, don't rush, don't make proposal direct, take the time to know the person before... in your story, you are not the only one hurt... she too... and because you have not think about this before... and mother problem is only one who can appear... the way for marry a FSU woman is full of trap... you need know it before... now, you act like a rally pilot without his navigator and roadbook... almost no chance to be at the finish...

[Todd]

Hi Solomon,

I may not have your background in dating Russian women.  (I've only met one, who I got engaged to.)  However, if you met 80 women and she was the ONE who shook your foundations, then you might want to pursue things further.  Is it possible to go back for another visit?  Is there a place in Russia that you would like to visit as tourist?  You mentioned that you had been to Moscow; perhaps, it is time for a summer trip to St. Petersburg with your special lady.  Spend another week together and have fun.  The worst thing that could happen is that you get her expert services as a tour guide/interpreter for a week.

For me, since getting engaged (not on the first trip btw), I have visited on 3 separate occasions.  As an FYI, I'm not wealthy and am roughly your age.

[jb]

solomon,

I'm glad you got a chuckle out of my post...

Yeah, I lived in Billings for a time.  I used to be the exploration field engineer for an oil company and that was part of my territory, I spent several years up there.  I remember a drive on an early November morning along Hiway 2 between Glacier National Park and Kalispell, MT , driving through the lodgepole pine forest, the first snow was just starting and I stopped to let the dog out to pee.  Had I been an early settler, that's where I'd have built the cabin. I thought I was in heaven. Absolutely some of America's most beautiful country side, anyone who hasn't seen it,,, well that's just downright un-American~!  There's also a small railroad company village up there just off the "Hiway To The Sun", (whose name elludes me now) where I had the best T-Bone steak in my life for about a dollar.

Montana is indeed, God's country.
(coming from a Texan, that's high praise)

[Jet]

 Two years is too long for me.

Considering where you would have to apply for her visa (Nebraska), your timeline is screwed before you start as NSC is typically the slowest of the 4 regional centers for USCIS and it wasn't that long ago that the average petition was taking nearly this long to process. At 35+/- what's the friggin' rush? You got a company picnic next month and want to impress the boys with your new trophy, or what? 

[Photo Guy]

Solomon,
IF you really love this woman, you should tell her all the reasons you love her and then gently tell her that you do not want her to do the 2-year dental school thing, because you need her to be here by your side. You need her SO much that every day that goes by without her bothers you. Tell her all of that sweet stuff that women need to hear, but make sure you are sincere. And then tell her you are sorry, that you will NOT be able to endure 2 years without her during her schooling. Tell her it would kill your relationship. Give her the open door, the immediate door to the West, in the near future.  
Yes, it is a power play on the part of her mom. If possible, make friends with her mom. Tell her there will be regular visits in the future. Neutralize the mom. No I don't mean THAT.  Doug

[Turboguy]

I think Photo Guys advice might be good.  You have a good start with this gal.  If the only problem is the Mom that may not be that big a deal.   My gal's mom is dead set against her only daughter moving accross the pond and really wants here to stay where she can be a mother to her.   My gal's brother also tells here not to go.  Her friends at work tell her not to go.  Her aunt and best friend say go.  Don't miss this opportunity to live a happy life with a guy you really care about.   One month from tomorrow if her inteview goes well she will be setting foot in the USA for the first time. 

You have told us certain things.  There is always more than meets the eye and when you have been there and have a feeling for what is good for you that is what is important.   Truthfully what we tell you probably won't do a thing for you.   Your talking to us about it may on occassion let you see your own situation in a clearer light. 

If the two years is sincere, It is likely going to take you a while to find anohter gal you are happy with.  Then you have a 6 month wait for a visa which is time that could come out of that two years.   Look at it this way too.  Even if her dental school is not good for anything here, you can get her a black and decker drill, some crazy glue and some plyers and have free dental care for life.

[solomon]

May only be me but.... with the lack of compassion, understanding and compromise on your part, you will have a hard time developing a lasting marriage with anyone but a submissive and needy slave (oops, did I really say that)... I don't know your whole situation but from what you describe here it doesn't look like you ever loved this woman or at least enough to care about her feelings over your own. Seems shallow to me...

 

bbernard

Submissive slave sounds good, but not needy. Didnt know I was expressing such a lack of compassion, understanding or compromise. Two years is too long for me. [/quote]
Actually, I did say I don't know your whole situation but two years, in my opinion, is a pretty good timeframe for courtship. Maybe in that two year period you may learn enough about her that you may determine you shouldn't marry her for one reason or the other... Are you in a rush to get married? What guarantee's are there that you may find another woman who will accept a proposal from you with in the next two years. If you don't, you would have forced yourself to wait the two years anyway. If a longterm relationship (marriage) is what you are looking for then maybe two years is not that long. How long have you known this your ex-fiance and why wasn't this discussed before you proposed? If it was a requirement for you that the woman immediately move then I think it would have been wise to be the topic of discussion prior to the proposal... I feel for you... It sucks to be in your situation but I also think it could have been avoided. That's all!!

P.S. I liked the SUbmissive slave part myself!
[/quote]
No rush to get married. Been there once already. Rather marry the "right" woman than just anyone. The are no guarantee's of course, except that some day we will all be dead. One thing that concerns me is that if she is so driven about this issue that she will be perpetually disappointed after arriving in the US. We discussed this before I proposed and she pissed backwards on me (after talking with mom I would add). I think the only way I could have avoided this was to assume that she was lying from the word go or that this would happen.

[solomon]

Being in love with the girl is not an issue. She told me that she would give up school. Even being in love, two years is too long. If it was two years and I could see her once a month, then this post wouldnt exist.

Breaking such a serious commitment for a surmountable problem with someone that loves you is quite petty imho. Barring the possibility someone is trying the 'maintain me for a while' scam I feel sorry for the girl, but again maybe it is better for her in the long run.

If you have enough savings why not just quit and live there cheap for a couple years?.. If savings is not enough to do that then maybe financial 'doom' was forthcoming anyway..

Not beating up on you.. just trying to shed a little light from other directions.



[/quote]
I received an email from her after this post that asked me for her tuition and expenses for the coming school year to the tune of $1400. So, it's rapidly sounding like the "pay for my bills for the next two years and then I will dump you." If you can read broken Russian, here it is:

Привет,мой дорогой Соломон!
 К сожеленнию я не получила сегодня твоё письмо,наверное тебе ещё его не перевели или может просто я что то не так написала? Я просто такой человек,что всё предпочитаю говорить прямо и без задней мысли.А тем более с любимым человеком я всегда стараюсь быть честной и справедливой.Такого отношения прошу и к себе.По этому если я чем то обидела тебя то пожалуйста извени меня.
 Соломончик, у меня возникла большая проблема в области финансов.Мне надо заплатить за моё обучение в университете.В год я плачу 1400 долларов,но оплачиваю я по семестрово.Это 700 за семестр.Мне страшно не удобно тебя просить об этом,тем более ты оплачиваешь мои курсы и очень хорошо ко мне относишься.У своих родителей я практически стараюсь не брать деньги.Если для тебя это будит не проблемой,то пожалуйста выручи меня.Я тебе буду очень благодарна и признательна.Сроки мои уже  поджимают.Ещё раз извени,что я к тебе обращаюсь.Я стараюсь быть самостоятельной и все свои проблемы решать сама,но так как я ещё студентка то пока у меня так не выходит.Приходиться всёровно к кому то с родных обращаться.
 Жду тебя!
 Целую обнимаю твоя Виктория!

[solomon]

 Two years is too long for me.

Considering where you would have to apply for her visa (Nebraska), your timeline is screwed before you start as NSC is typically the slowest of the 4 regional centers for USCIS and it wasn't that long ago that the average petition was taking nearly this long to process. At 35+/- what's the friggin' rush? You got a company picnic next month and want to impress the boys with your new trophy, or what? 
[/quote]Jet, I was kidding about the submissive part. I would appreciate if you could expand on how I am being a spoiled brat. If I am, then I will adjust. I dont see how that she is bending over backwards to accomodate me. I dont expect her to in the first instance. Also, she told me that she was willing to give up finishing school to come to the states to be with me. Then she pissed backwards. As I mentioned to Bernard I think it was, even if she did come her I have a potentially significant problem with her being perpetually dissatisfied that I took her career away from her (at least in her eyes).