What is your Wife’s story about adapting?

[vwrw]

I came across an article in Russian that was the story of a woman adapting to a new life in a new country, whose love of her husband gave her the strength to survive.  I think some men never think about how much a woman goes through and what her life will be.  I thought some of the comments were interesting.  I kept the thoughts the same but the words are mine and I have translated it and wanted to share it with everyone.   I think it could be a good lesson in thinking less about a beautiful figure and more about how when she goes through all the stress that men must deal with that stress.  Here is a part of the story.

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“I did know that adapting oneself to new country is difficult process.  But I did not guess it would be SO difficult. I thought: “Well, the integration in new culture will be easier for me because I had been in Europe not once; I worked with foreigners, I had progressive view on life; and in general, in native Siberia I was already considered as the outsider for a long time.” I was wrong.

I had been in this city two times before I immigrated here.  This is a beautiful little town, charming white houses. People are calm and friendly, financially secured. This city seemed to me like the greatest city I have ever been to.

I was indescribable happy for the first 6 months. I was like in euphoria. And then very unexpected and suddenly everything became filthy, vile, intolerable… Absolutely intolerable… Depression? I’d say what I felt was similar to a psychosis. It was as a stuffy wave which suddenly rolls over you, and you feel disgusting. There was nothing I could do with it …only waiting when it will roll off.

The madness lasted for 4 months(!!!!!) and then gradually it had passed away and the following stage – integration  had begun. I had no any desire to integrate anywhere at the time but that was necessary. And frankly, it was occurring somehow by itself.

I criticized everything around. I was as the babushka on the Moscow platform, eternally dissatisfied with everybody and everything and complaining about everything under the sun.   At the same time I reminded everybody about my former achievements and blew my own horn. I mocked the white houses remembering my earlier life in a mega-city. "Village", - I called my new city contemptuously.

I was talking to my husband about Russian history; about the remarkable inside power of Russian people. I tried to tell my thought in such a way he could feel my pride of Russia and my discontent with this new country.

FSU wives irritated me. I already do not remember why and I do not want to find out, simply I avoided them and still do.   I had visited a doctor. He advised me to not take antidepressants, and to cope with difficulties by my own strength. “I am strong, I shall survive.”

And I SURVIVED. The steam of criticism was slowly dying and was replaced by languid ascertaining surrounding – so called “realism”. But I did mot like such a “realism”; it was necessary to change the “realism” promptly. I love realism which is entertaining, vital, vigorous, and somewhere even victorious. But the victory was not there yet; it was even not expected. During this period it seemed to me, that the life has no meaning. To me life became boring. Any beginnings to my new life died in an embryo, not having developed."
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I would be interested to see how the OMB’s feel about the thoughts here, if they found their wives dealing with similar experiences and what kind of reaction did they have in dealing with it.  Did they ever feel like sticking her back in a suitcase and taking her back to her home country or were they understanding of all she was going through?

[Misha]

What is described in the account is pretty standard culture shock: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2848359.

[Jumper]

VWRW-

I would say my wife went thru that , almost exactly,,
with some minor exceptions , and those exceptions  made a big difference.

The exceptions being:
 
1.it was not quite as bad as depicted in the story.
, no deep depression or anything,
 more just a lot of critism and disatisfaction with even routine things that normally wouldn't bother a person.
but it did change her personality completely , for a time period
(i used to ask her if her sister had switched places with her on the flight )

2.it started much sooner, and was over much more quickly
started in about a month, and lasted about 4 months .
(with a few minor recurrences , that fundamentally ended with her first return trip to her FSU city)

the most important exception,
3. the end result was not a feeling of loss or simple survival..with life being boring ,or with little meaning.
but a refreshed perspective , with her returning completely to her normal self ,
happy in her csitutriion with a positive outlook on her life and her /(our family) future.
here ,there , or anywhere.
 

Overall, for her, it was very difficult,
yes i tried to be very understanding ,having been thru it myself before in years past.

while very diffucult, and yes LOL i'm sure there were a few times that i would have gladly taken her to the airpport ,and she would have been glad to go..
 in the big picture of life, it was a very small time frame and duration..
and now some years later it seems very insignificant (as most things do with the passage of a little time)

I have posted before,
 that if we had been in a K1 , type of situation,
that most likely we would have decided that it was in BOTH our best interests to not marry at that time.Probably would have returned to her country and we would have continued to see each other ,and let the future unfold as it may..to see if it was mean tto be long term.

as it was we were already married ,
had a strong commitment to make things work out, and a few months of difficulty are something a marriage,that is between two people who genuinely care for each other,  should be able to easily endure,and in fact ultimately the marriage could grow stronger from the experience, , and that was what happened in our case.

it would have taken  very little more,
to derail the situation,,

and i feel fortunant we both were honest enough about
exactly what we were feeling,
 wether it was thru some very spirited debate LOL
 or sitting down more calmly-
we did know exactly where the other stood ,and how they felt.

 I think it is gfood you brough this topic up..
i would say many many people go thru it.

some very easily with little problem at all,
while others may have a incredibly difficult time..

(while trying to be prepared, and understanding of the possibiulty and difficulty
of relocatiion and culture shock,
i really wasn't expecting my wife to have much problem! (i was wrong LOL)
afterall in my mind, she was fairly western in cultural views ,
an extreemly confident person, and very upbeat and outgoing..
with at least *decent* language skills,and  driving around the first week to most places of interest to her - i thought she would sail thru adjustment pretty easily ..
I now understand just how har ditr was, ,and really respect her courag eand strenght durin gthazt time..

All RW relocating certainly have a good deal of my respect for thier fortitude and commitment
 
it's sometimes glossed over here, here and shouldn't be.

 However, I would guess most of the married guys have a tremendous amount of respect for thier wives inner fortitude and courage.

 

[mspanky]

 The RW married to AM and living in the USA have a cakewalk to adapt to compared to  American women who marry Saudi men.

  Read this: Not only do they usually have to go live with the guys family,but their freedom is basically lost.

 http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/tw/tw_931.html

[Lily]

And then very unexpected and suddenly everything became filthy, vile, intolerable… Absolutely intolerable… Depression? I’d say what I felt was similar to a psychosis. It was as a stuffy wave which suddenly rolls over you, and you feel disgusting. There was nothing I could do with it …only waiting when it will roll off.
 

I read the passage several times and still fail to understand a particular reason that lead the woman to this condition. What particularly was intolerable to her? I don't get it.

Any depression should be a result of something that has to be approached in this case. Is she living among xenophobic people, do they mistreat her? Was she denied companionship of locals? Is she constantly being rejected for jobs and she feels that she loses her professional expertise? If she is lucky to land a job, does she feel being an outsider in the office? Is she able to pursue her hobbies in the country? Has she problems imitating local accent?  What were the reasons?

She compares herself to an unhappy babushka..but my understanding is that a babushka may have reasons to feel less than happy...May be she is cold and uncomfortable as she may not be able to buy clothes and shoes...May be she suffers from some age-enhanced disease..May be she is hungry..Or feels rejected. One does not became that bitter without reasons.

Also, the woman does not tell a lot about her husband in this situation. Since she moved, he should became if not the center of her universe, then at least a significant part of it. Did she discovered something new in him? Did she unwillingly cause any problems for him? Does he change to her? What does she feel about him, is he happy now to have her in his daily life? Does she make him happy? I think those are the things that cannot be missed. One can pretty much distinguish a happy person from an unhappy one....

 

[I/O]

Lily, I don't want to enter the bigger picture of this thread because my wife and I simply don't have the "Time experience" to really comment. However the subject of depression is a very tricky one. I have observed semi depression (Which I suggest is largely the case with people in this situation) and full blown clinical depression first hand and it is a horrible thing to watch and can hit without explanation.

There is times IMO when the very fact of having everything one wants or needs can bring on depression in people we least expect. Again, I have seen this first hand. I, like you, would go looking for reasons and some times there does not appear to be tangible reasons. It just happens.

The interesting thing to me (among many interesting things) is that I saw my first wife go through exactly this about 6-12 months into our marriage. We were on top of the world so to say, we had known each other for years, (many years) we didn't move far from either family, (About 20 minutes by car) all was just peachy and she folded for a few months to the extent of seeking medical help. The doctors were pretty blunt with her and suggested she kick herself in the backside, which of course didn't help much. Nevertheless, it passed within months and we did have 9.9 years of a very happy marriage.

I simply wonder if this is not common for women after marriage and I wonder if is more of a combination of factors when women move abroad to marry, rather than the relocation and culture shock specifically?

I/O

[Jet]

Lily,

I think I/O is right in saying it's not easily attached to specific events or experiences. For my wife in her days of adaptation, it was a much more general feeling of helplessness. Lil is a very independent woman who had been living alone as the head of her household for several years before we met. She was accustomed to being "in charge". Then she moved from her small town to a place where people from MANY cultures co-exist and when she had a difficult time understanding a lot of them, she automatically assumed it was her poor English skills to blame, never once considering the possibility that maybe the people out in public SPOKE BADLY.

(Example: I have a dear friend who emigrated from Finland 25 yrs ago, but lives in a Finnish community in FL. Lil's "straight off the plane" English skills - reading/writing/speaking/listening - were FAR superior to those of my friend who'd been here 25 years longer, and yet she was embarrassed that she couldn't understand him. Hell, sometimes I can't understand him!)

This was just one of many things that contributed to it. Another, ticketing systems for public transportation are completely different here than they were in Russia, to her it seemed inefficient and "stupid". Again, not a real big deal but another item stacked on top of the pile making it seem like she went from knowing everything to knowing nothing virtually overnight. I had complained about the extremely poor telephone connection to her town for over a year, but this wasn't important until she NEEDED to speak with her family and wasn't able to get through for two days, suddenly it was of the utmost importance! There were lots of little inconsequential differences along those lines that started to irritate her over time. Like AJ's wife, she worked her way though them and life has been great since. Also like AJ's wife, this seemed to coincide exactly with her first trip back to Russia 

Like the girl in VWRWs story, Lil was considered different from other Russian women, even in Russia, and also like the girl in the story she was prepared to face some level of difficulty once in the US, she jst wasn't as prepared as she thought she was. Even though I had a very good understanding of what she was going through, a patient and understanding husband is only part of what gets a person through this transition to life abroad, and far more depends on the determination of the person themselves IMHO.

[KenC]

I would be interested to see how the OMB’s feel about the thoughts here, if they found their wives dealing with similar experiences and what kind of reaction did they have in dealing with it.  Did they ever feel like sticking her back in a suitcase and taking her back to her home country or were they understanding of all she was going through?

VWRW,
Your story is a rather good description of the levels of culture shock that Lena experienced.  And yes, it can be over whelming at times for the man.  It was difficult for me to hear how bad the area was where we lived when most of the locals could only dream to live where we did.  What was "Utopia" for us locals, was like a prison sentence to Lena.  You would have thought she was living in a remote section of Siberia, when in fact we lived in an upscale suburb with a quaint "downtown."  To say the "put downs" of our way of life was difficult, is not strong enough.  Torture might be a better word.  It was torture for her to abandon everything she knew and loved and torture for me to hear how "bad" life was in my country and city.

The one thing that kept our faith through this was our love for one another.  Lena constantly told me that I was the sole reason for her being here.  Our love for each other is the only reason I could ever withstand the total frustration of her adapting to my country.  I mostly bit my tongue and held on to the belief that she would come to appreciate what this country has to offer over time.  But those changes come slowly over a much greater amount of time than even I realized then.

As others have said, going back to Russia for her first visit was very helpful in her acceptance of America.  And every subsequent visit back has helped her appreciate America even more.  She still has a great love of her Motherland, and that will probably never die, but she does appreciate the good things here too now.

There is also another transition that happens during this time.  Living, loving and respecting a woman from a different culture and national background has opened my eyes to some of the short comings of my country too.  I have come to appreciate the good things about Russia and also understand that America is not perfect.
KenC

[Misha]

My wife is very independent, she wanted to come to Canada and she really wanted to get married to me. Even then, the first year was incredibly difficult. Now, the worst is finally over. She hasn't told me that she hates my language in the last few weeks and she hasn't been down for the last month or so. Finally, I think the culture shock is over. It was a trying year.

[Leslie]

The adaptation process is not discussed much on the message boards because it happens to married people most of whom have stopped (or severely curtailed) their posting.  The general problem is the same – however the individuals reactions and resolution can be very different.

At first Natasha enjoyed life in the UK.  It was one long holiday but one morning the vacation was over.  It was the first day of the rest of her life…

In the months that followed Natasha denigrated many aspects of British culture.  Negative comparisons were drawn between Russia and Britain.  Oh and I was to blame.  Things did not work as they had in Ukraine and it was my fault.  In fact every damn thing was my fault…

Vegetating at home with daytime TV made her even more isolated.  I insisted she find a job – any job.  So the generals daughter started work at a contract cleaning company along with lots of other immigrants.  Such a first job is typical for an immigrant,  particularly when English skills are not good.  For Natasha it was the biggest come down of her life…

The cultural shock therapy worked.  Adaptation started.  Natasha stopped moaning and started getting on with her life.  She saw that her problems were not unique.  She also perceived that the solution involved just getting on with life.  We almost broke up towards the end of the first year but the strength of our relationship held true.  After that the process was more gradual.  Sure there were issues but they were overcome in their turn.

Last fall we were in a coffee shop in Holborn, London.  Our daughter (Toma) was bored and inevitably had started playing up.  Natasha scolded her in Russian.  Later the waitress came over and asked my wife (in Russian) Are you Russian?  Natasha replied in (in English)  No. I am a British citizen.  I was born in Ukraine and I am teaching my daughter Russian…

The adaptation process  is not complete but Natasha does not want to return to live in Ukraine.  Not under any circumstances.  She still has an East European accent and has kept many of her values.  In other respects she has become completely British.  She is not the same Ukrainian girl I met in Vinitsia and I am not the same guy…

[Photo Guy]

A very interesting topic. I can relate to almost everything written here. I remember her complaints about America, like the time she got dressed up to go to dinner in Carlsbad, CA, and was quietly hurt by the sight of everyone dressed so casually there, in typical California beach attire. It sort of hurt her identity. And it wasn't easy for me to hear her anger about how Americans are rich, but.... lacking in many areas.  We men want to solve problems and that includes the difficult problems that she will go through as she adapts. Little problems can be magnified and things can get out of control. For example, her emotions and state of mind, can be strongly affected by the people she meets and that can be out of your control. For example, she might meet a fantastic positive immigrant from Russia, while attending church. Or maybe during English class, she could meet a woman who is in the middle of a nasty divorce and hates all men. The adjustment period can be a volatile time.

[Kuna]

The adaptation process is not discussed much on the message boards because it happens to married people most of whom have stopped (or severely curtailed) their posting.  The general problem is the same – however the individuals reactions and resolution can be very different.

At first Natasha enjoyed life in the UK.  It was one long holiday but one morning the vacation was over.  It was the first day of the rest of her life…

In the months that followed Natasha denigrated many aspects of British culture.  Negative comparisons were drawn between Russia and Britain.  Oh and I was to blame.  Things did not work as they had in Ukraine and it was my fault.  In fact every damn thing was my fault…

Vegetating at home with daytime TV made her even more isolated.  I insisted she find a job – any job.  So the generals daughter started work at a contract cleaning company along with lots of other immigrants.  Such a first job is typical for an immigrant,  particularly when English skills are not good.  For Natasha it was the biggest come down of her life…

The cultural shock therapy worked.  Adaptation started.  Natasha stopped moaning and started getting on with her life.  She saw that her problems were not unique.  She also perceived that the solution involved just getting on with life.  We almost broke up towards the end of the first year but the strength of our relationship held true.  After that the process was more gradual.  Sure there were issues but they were overcome in their turn.

Last fall we were in a coffee shop in Holborn, London.  Our daughter (Toma) was bored and inevitably had started playing up.  Natasha scolded her in Russian.  Later the waitress came over and asked my wife (in Russian) Are you Russian?  Natasha replied in (in English)  No. I am a British citizen.  I was born in Ukraine and I am teaching my daughter Russian…

The adaptation process  is not complete but Natasha does not want to return to live in Ukraine.  Not under any circumstances.  She still has an East European accent and has kept many of her values.  In other respects she has become completely British.  She is not the same Ukrainian girl I met in Vinitsia and I am not the same guy…

Leslie,

Thank you for your post... It was very insightful!

Kuna