Together only 3 months, and she wants to go home...

[Zadan]

My UW wife wants to get divorced and go back to Ukraine. She came in on a K1 and we've only been married a couple months(!!!).

She's miserable all the time, very critical, and seemingly wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every day lately. If she's not picking a new fight over something trivial ("why do you always leave the lights on? .... I told you to move your shoes, they block the door!! I told you to hang up your coat!!! ...I think you can read books by yourself without needing a wife!!"), she's depressed about missing her friends/family. Additionally her parents are well into an ugly divorce process--and her mom is not doing well--which doesn't help. So now she just wants to pack her bags and leave.

Anyway, she's emphatic about going back ASAP so I said 'fine'. I just don't have a clue about getting divorced. I was literally days away from sending her AoS(!!). I should think it's simple since we can do this amicably, she doesn't want to take anything but her stuff and some spending money etc. Would appreciate any advice on how to do this. If she leaves before we're divorced, will it be a problem? She's booked to head out on Jan 6th.

Happy Holidays.
 

[BC]

Do you love her?

'Packed bag' tests are not unusual.

[Shadow]

As BC said, it could be a test as she has nobody in the US except you. Parents divorcing are always a shock no matter what the age of the child. Try once to talk to her in private and tell her that you will agree to a divorce if it makes her happy, because you still love her and want only her happiness, even if it means you will hurt.
Then, if she really wants, let her go.

[BC]

If discussions do go downhill, also be sure to mention how difficult or even impossible it can be to reenter the US without the 'travel document'.  IIRC K1 is for a single entry only.  http://www.foreignborn.com/visas_imm/immigrant_visas/change_of_status/4-pending_app.htm

I can imagine that divorce proceedings may be quite difficult if she cannot appear or has not appointed a legal representative.

Look for real source(s) of your troubles, you may at the moment only be seeing symptoms.

Good luck.. I know first hand how trying this period can be. Be patient.

[Turboguy]

From what I have read the toughest time on many of the women is around the three month mark which is about where your wife is.   I am in a similar time frame with my wife being less than two weeks from the three month mark as well and with our AOS papers filed a few days ago.    My wife seems to be doing better than most but yesterday was a little rough for her. 

I have a feeling when your wife gets home she will look at her decision as the worst of her life but time will tell.  I would think if there is anyway to get her to an attorney before she flies out that might be a good move.  I would think as long as she signs the final divorce decree it can be done without her here but it is not a subject where I have much expertise.

Most of the women get through that tough 3 month mark and in another month or two are fine.  It is too bad your wife could not stick it out long enough to see if that happend with her as well.   I think the advice you have had here is all pretty good.  I hope it works out for you.

[Jet]

This sounds EXACTLY like the "bags packed" test. Virtually all the married guys have been through it at least once, and for some...twice. Understand that on top of everything else you mentioned this is a very difficult time of year regarding "nostalgia". New Year is absolutely the most important holiday of the Russian year, with March 8 following in a close second place. If I had to take a blind guess, I'd say this is most likely the root of her angst, and her parents divorce is just adding fuel to the fire.

In your shoes right now, I'd sit her down and explain (as BC suggested) that BECAUSE you love her, you're willing to set her free. But I'd also suggest that because you love her, you'd really like for her to keep her options open, and therefore you'd like to go ahead and file the AOS and Advance Parole if she could possibly find it in her heart to stick it out just a little longer, so she'd had the option to come back to the US if she changes her mind. This does a couple of things... It buys you some time for her to get over the holiday funk & It show tangibly that you really do love her (which may be in question at this point) and want what's best for her.

I would also take a few moments to read up on culture shock so you have some idea about what you're dealing with.

[William3rd]

If she is unwilling to file the AOS and wait for the parole, then serve her with her divorce papers BEFORE she gets on the airplane. Saves you time and trouble later on. The dissolution can always be dismissed later if she decides to let you do a petition for alien relative.

This also sounds like someone who may have decided that she is just not in love with the petitioner.

[LiveFromUkraine]

From your comments, it sounds like you really are not helping her much with the culture shock.  Maybe you should be her husband and help her through the rough times instead of bitching about her being angry.  It sounds like you never experienced culture shock but I have and it can be extremely hard.  I don't know how long you knew each other or what her englich skills are but from you small post can understand her wanting to go home because of your lack of compassion.



Thomas

[BC]

Excellent points Jet, buy time and set a goal.  BTW it was Shadow that suggested the jist of a heart to heart talk.

Turbo
I don't believe there is any preset time or that it is a one time deal.  We hit rough water a couple of times, the worst maybe somewhere between 9 months and little over a year.

We felt that 'soft mellow' glow when our marriage really grew roots around the three year mark and a couple of trips back home.

From your comments, it sounds like you really are not helping her much with the culture shock.  Maybe you should be her husband and help her through the rough times instead of bitching about her being angry.  It sounds like you never experienced culture shock but I have and it can be extremely hard.  I don't know how long you knew each other or what her englich skills are but from you small post can understand her wanting to go home because of your lack of compassion.

Thomas

Thomas,

You and I that have experienced 'adjustment' first hand are probably extremely lucky and rare.  Even though I could not read my wife's mind during this period I could somewhat relate to the feelings she had.  It helped us somehow keep that last straw off the camels back.

I don't know Zadan much at all but with the little information he provided am willing to give him a little benefit of doubt at this point.  I think if he didn't care at all he would not have posted here.  Openly stating that one is going through such difficulties does take a wee bit of nut.

Maintaining a marriage takes a LOT of work.

[Turboguy]

BC, I have to go a lot on what I have read on RWD.  I will agree that there is not a regular as clockwork time that it can hit but the 90 day point seems to be pretty common.   I have been very lucky with VWRW.   I think in the past few weeks it has hit her some but she has been doing good.  She is a real trooper and I am a lucky guy to have her.   

I do think that it is part of the nature of some RW to be critical and to make their man into the kind of guy they want him to be.  The comments that Zadan made about  "why do you always leave the lights on? .... I told you to move your shoes, they block the door!! I told you to hang up your coat!!! ...I think you can read books by yourself without needing a wife!!" sound like my life exactly.   The only difference is I laugh about it and turn out the light or put my coat where it belongs.   One of these days she may get me trained but you know what they say about teaching an old dog new tricks.   Once in a while I get silently perturbed by it but mostly I just find it enjoyable and part of her wanting a neat, organized house.    If it does bug me a bit ever I just think about all the sacrifices she is making for me and think how happy I am she is here.

I have a feeling Sedans wife may turn out like Luda and once she gets back she will feel she made a big mistake so I think Williams advice not to rush into a divorce is good advice.  Perhaps it is a situation that she has decided he is not the man for her but I think it is more likely separation anxiety and once she is home for a week or so her ideas may change.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Maintaining a marriage takes a LOT of work.

Amen to that statement BC.  I didn't get the same impression from his post as you did BC.  It seemed to me he was wanting to know how to get a divorce rather than work out his marriage.  I could be wrong.  It most definately wouldn't be the first time I was wrong.  Just ask my wife, I think she is keeping count. 


We are starting to celebrate our new year right now.  I am waiting for the chicken to finish cooking.  I can see from my spelling that the alcohol is starting to hit me.  Nothing like New Year in Ukraine.


HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.



Thomas

Thomas

[ScottinCrimea]

I echo Turbo's comments.  I have heard those "critical" statements and much more in my wife's efforts to rehabilitate me.  I've figured out that what in an AW would be nagging is in a RW, sincere attempts at mothering me. Still, it can be very irksome sometimes.

My wife has 3 months in country now and is going through some holiday issues.  Every visit to a family party has reminded her of how much she misses hers, and the holiday traditions here just aren't the same, and in my opinion, as enjoyable as they are there.  I just remember my first Christmas in Ukraine and how, in the midst of my homesickness she presented me with a new puppy.  I just need to figure out how to do the same for her with something that doesn't sh!t on the floor. 

[jb]

Yup, sounds like the ol' packed bags test to me.

If you love her, sit her down an 'splain that you want her to stay, you want to keep the marriage, and you want to grow old together.  If that don't work, then see a lawyer before she gets on the airplane.

[BillyB]

My UW wife wants to get divorced and go back to Ukraine. She came in on a K1 and we've only been married a couple months(!!!).

She's miserable all the time, very critical, and seemingly wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every day lately. If she's not picking a new fight over something trivial ("why do you always leave the lights on? .... I told you to move your shoes, they block the door!! I told you to hang up your coat!!! ...I think you can read books by yourself without needing a wife!!"), she's depressed about missing her friends/family. Additionally her parents are well into an ugly divorce process--and her mom is not doing well--which doesn't help. So now she just wants to pack her bags and leave.

Anyway, she's emphatic about going back ASAP so I said 'fine'. I just don't have a clue about getting divorced. I was literally days away from sending her AoS(!!). I should think it's simple since we can do this amicably, she doesn't want to take anything but her stuff and some spending money etc. Would appreciate any advice on how to do this. If she leaves before we're divorced, will it be a problem? She's booked to head out on Jan 6th.

Zadan, I'm going to assume you tried to comfort her and tried to talk her out of this to no effect. Maybe you convinced her to proceed with marriage thinking it would cure her issues of adapting and you'd also prove your love for her. Sometimes no matter how much you try, the bags will not get unpacked. Personally, I would not have gotten married if I thought my fiancee was not adapting well. 

 Since you already booked tickets, file for the divorce before she leaves town and submit the paperwork to her immediately and you should have quick and easy results since she probably won't contest it since she won't be around on the day of the first hearing. If you don't do it before she heads out on Jan 6th, less than a week, you'll probably have to advertise it in news publications of your intent to locate her to give her the opportunity to contest the divorce before the divorce is granted. Talk to a local family law attorney for the proper procedure in your State on how to get a divorce when a spouse is not in the country anymore with no intention on coming back.

[Daveman]

 If you guys really love each other, then do the little things that make her feel appreciated and needed.  Take the time to move the shoes, hang up the coat, put the book down and focus on her. 

Definitely have the talk like the other's have mentioned.  After this, I would also, again if you love each other, immediately take divorce off the table and maybe turn her focus to a scheduled visit back home together in the ASAP future so she can see that her parents are fine apart.  This may or may not be a good idea because if she sees a parent in trouble, she could feel obligated to stay.  The married guys would have a much better view of this one.

Does her family like you? especially the mother-in-law?  If so, you have a major and powerful ally.  Her parents' divorce is causing her some serious stress on top of an already stressful situation.  She's a fish out of water in a world without sunlight.  She's turning to you for protection and comfort yet she "sees" that you don't care enough to help her keep her world in order, whether true or not.

The divorce of her parents and the fact "her mom is not doing well" is probably the most threatening issue you face. The devotion to the parents can be extremely strong.  I would also seriously address ways you can help take care of the mother while you're waiting for a legal visit.  If you don't put this issue more at ease somehow, it'll kill you.

Just some thoughts,
Dave

[Mishenka]

"My UW wife wants to get divorced and go back to Ukraine. She came in on a K1 and we've only been married a couple months(!!!).

She's miserable all the time, very critical, and seemingly wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every day lately. If she's not picking a new fight over something trivial ("why do you always leave the lights on? .... I told you to move your shoes, they block the door!! I told you to hang up your coat!!! ...I think you can read books by yourself without needing a wife!!"), she's depressed about missing her friends/family. Additionally her parents are well into an ugly divorce process--and her mom is not doing well--which doesn't help. So now she just wants to pack her bags and leave.

Anyway, she's emphatic about going back ASAP so I said 'fine'. I just don't have a clue about getting divorced. I was literally days away from sending her AoS(!!). I should think it's simple since we can do this amicably, she doesn't want to take anything but her stuff and some spending money etc. Would appreciate any advice on how to do this. If she leaves before we're divorced, will it be a problem? She's booked to head out on Jan 6th."

WOW!!
Sorry to hear this.  I would love to hear more backround info on how you both met, your ages, and when the relationship actually started before we all jump to conclusions. Maybe the real issue is, the marriage was just too soon. Like Billy suggests, maybe it needed more time before the wedding bells rang. I would be absolutely sure it was right before shopping for a ring.
8 weeks into a marriage is barely enough to be past the honeymoon stage. IF I read you correctly you knew each other 30 days before saying your vows??? I know we live in an MTV reality show world but, this is a bit to fast.

Please fill us in on some details so you can get the help you really need. Many times the answer lies within our own hearts. Maybe it was over before it started?

Mishenka

[Zadan]

The whole crises has been averted. Finally got to sit down and really talk, and she just wants more attention(!!). Plane tickets cancelled!

Anyhow, as it's New Years I'll make a more detailed reply later on. For now though, thanks all.

[I/O]

The whole crises has been averted. Finally got to sit down and really talk, and she just wants more attention(!!). Plane tickets cancelled!

Anyhow, as it's New Years I'll make a more detailed reply later on. For now though, thanks all.

Special result for a special time...!!!!

IIRC it was JB who said long ago that Russian Women thrive on attention, it was one of his many gems I tucked away for the future. Now in that future, I have found him to be 100% correct, (Not that I doubted at the time) attention in ways that we perhaps might not expect with western women.

KenC always yells loudly and correctly, communication is the key.  Seems both these OMB's need to be listened to more.

FWIW

I/O

[Mishenka]

The whole crises has been averted. Finally got to sit down and really talk, and she just wants more attention(!!). Plane tickets cancelled!

Anyhow, as it's New Years I'll make a more detailed reply later on. For now though, thanks all.

So glad to hear this good news, yes,, your wife will require all your attention and communication skills. Glad to see you didn't give up! she depends on you far more than you understand.

I just got off the phone with Galina after 4 hours,, yes,, 1,2,3,4 FOUR hours.  It seems she will talk until she burns out, and can't go on any more. I was with her most of last night to celebrate new years in her time zone till 4 Am her time and then she wakes 2.5 hours later to call me.  Her son was sick with a fever, so she was sad and she had to talk to be comforted. In her own words, only I can comfort her. She has no living parents.

Anyway, you are doing fine! keep the great attitude and keep talking, keep loving,, she will reward you later!

[William3rd]

she had to grandstand to get attention?!?!?!?!?!?

I see more trouble in paradise. You need to work on this marriage a heck of a lot more apparently. It is NOT business as usual when you marry a foreign national. .

[Serebro]

She's miserable all the time, very critical, and seemingly wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every day lately. If she's not picking a new fight over something trivial ("why do you always leave the lights on? .... I told you to move your shoes, they block the door!! I told you to hang up your coat!!! ...I think you can read books by yourself without needing a wife!!"), she's depressed about missing her friends/family. Additionally her parents are well into an ugly divorce process--and her mom is not doing well--which doesn't help. So now she just wants to pack her bags and leave.

well, it sounds familiar.
This often happens:
1) with women who have never lived with men before/had a family, so it's hard for them to get used to living with someone/his habits, especially if these habits are very different from behavioral habits of people in their own country/their own family/her cultural habits.  
2)with women who live with men that always forget things.
3)in cases when reality doesn't match the expectations

[Jumper]

the -

" i think you can read a book without a wife" comment


looks even more clear now .. 


she was plainly asking for attention, and you even quoted her..

[Zadan]

This sounds EXACTLY like the "bags packed" test. Virtually all the married guys have been through it at least once, and for some...twice. Understand that on top of everything else you mentioned this is a very difficult time of year regarding "nostalgia". New Year is absolutely the most important holiday of the Russian year, with March 8 following in a close second place. If I had to take a blind guess, I'd say this is most likely the root of her angst, and her parents divorce is just adding fuel to the fire.
...
I would also take a few moments to read up on culture shock so you have some idea about what you're dealing with.

I think the holidays was what sent her down the spiral. We'd had a nice christmas spent with my family which she really liked, but I think it reminded her of all of her friends/family back home that she couldn't see.

Anyway, the day following the original post after being banished to the couch, I got her to talk more. I should've given a lot more pushback--thats what she really wanted(!!!).  She informed me that "men should be men, and women should be women, I shouldn't have to tell you this." I think it'll take some more time yet to fully understand what that means. 

Later in evening when I saw all the replies here I had a pretty big laugh over the fact what happened apparantly has it's own term: "packed bagged test." Told her about it and got a good chuckle too. Now she's back to her usual self.

[Jet]

Glad to see things have turned the corner 

I should've given a lot more pushback--thats what she really wanted(!!!).  She informed me that "men should be men, and women should be women, I shouldn't have to tell you this." I think it'll take some more time yet to fully understand what that means. 

One thing that's sometimes hard for new husbands to wrap their minds around, is that they sometimes need to put up a fight just to reassure the wife that the issue is important enough to them, to fight about  Think about it, you are holding all the cards and she's completely and utterly dependent on you (in her eyes). It's likely the first time in her life she's felt this way. What could she POSSIBLY threaten you with? And if you don't even care enough to fight back about marriage, is there anything left? I think I understand your situation, you're doing the right thing in trying to avoid a confrontation and follow your wife's wishes so as not to minimalize the importance of HER wishes - a good solid Western position, backed up by everything you ever learned in western society. Problem is...she hasn't ever been exposed to western society before, she plays by the rules of Eastern society, so your position looks ridiculous to her.
Wait til you find out you've been cheating on her 
She doesn't think it, she knows it! It's eastern society rules, and you'd probably do well to start formulating a defense now 

[BillyB]

The whole crises has been averted. Finally got to sit down and really talk, and she just wants more attention(!!). Plane tickets cancelled!

Zadan, I thought you sat down with her and came to this conclusion from your earlier post "She's miserable all the time, very critical, and seemingly wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every day lately. If she's not picking a new fight over something trivial ("why do you always leave the lights on? .... I told you to move your shoes, they block the door!! I told you to hang up your coat!!! ...I think you can read books by yourself without needing a wife!!"), she's depressed about missing her friends/family. Additionally her parents are well into an ugly divorce process--and her mom is not doing well--which doesn't help. So now she just wants to pack her bags and leave.

Anyway, she's emphatic about going back ASAP so I said 'fine'."

For those plane tickets to be bought in haste without proper diagnosis, either you or both of you are not valuing the marriage properly or you really felt it was the end. Of course it's all your fault for not giving her enough attention in which you will correct the situation I'm sure but hope the "packed bags" tests come to an end because that game will get old quick.