Nyet English

[Chicagoguy]

I have found what seems to me to be a perfect match. I am older and not an amateur at love or Russia.

But my worry is that the one I truly want does not speak English. We seem to understand each other very,very well but what does this really mean ?

What scares me the most is a Russian couple that I helped move here from Siberia over 10 years ago and who know me very well say I am crazy.

Thay say the language and cultural differences are insurmountable. Plus they say I cannot trust the Russian women.

They are not bitter. Because they have acheived great success I respect their opinion but I am not bound by it.

As you all know this is very emotional and expensive proposition. I am just trying to be careful.

Stuart

[Serebro]

Stuart, from your post I can't understand what exactly you want from life: you wrote that you had found a match, where is your match from?!
why to write about English?! You found the match and you want to forget English and you don't know how to speak with her?!

or you want to move to Siberia and speak Russian?!

[Chicagoguy]

I am from Chicago, USA ani I am thinking about about what might happen if I marry my girl from Cheboksary, Russia and she moves here.

[Serebro]

I am from Chicago, USA ani I am thinking about about what might happen if I marry my girl from Cheboksary, Russia and she moves here.

write your story, Stuart!
How did you meet her, how long do you know her, did you call her, have you seen each other in person?

[ScottinCrimea]

I have found what seems to me to be a perfect match. I am older and not an amateur at love or Russia.

But my worry is that the one I truly want does not speak English. We seem to understand each other very,very well but what does this really mean ?

What scares me the most is a Russian couple that I helped move here from Siberia over 10 years ago and who know me very well say I am crazy.

Thay say the language and cultural differences are insurmountable. Plus they say I cannot trust the Russian women.

They are not bitter. Because they have acheived great success I respect their opinion but I am not bound by it.

As you all know this is very emotional and expensive proposition. I am just trying to be careful.

Stuart

How long have you known this woman and how have you communicated in order to understand each other "very very well"?  I speak Russian and my wife speaks excellent English, we have known each other for over 5 years and I would never say that we understand each other "very very well".  What are your ages?

As far as your friends' opinion, the language and cultural differences are not insurmountable, as shown by many successful AM/RW couples.  They just add many significant challenges.  Certain things such as language barrier and significant age difference add to these challenges, but these also are not insurmountable.

[Serebro]

I speak Russian and my wife speaks excellent English,

why do you never speak it here?

[ScottinCrimea]

why do you never speak it here?

This is an English language forum my dear. 

[BillyB]

I have found what seems to me to be a perfect match. I am older and not an amateur at love or Russia.

But my worry is that the one I truly want does not speak English. We seem to understand each other very,very well but what does this really mean ?

What scares me the most is a Russian couple that I helped move here from Siberia over 10 years ago and who know me very well say I am crazy.

Thay say the language and cultural differences are insurmountable. Plus they say I cannot trust the Russian women.

They are not bitter. Because they have acheived great success I respect their opinion but I am not bound by it.

As you all know this is very emotional and expensive proposition. I am just trying to be careful.

Stuart

Personally, when I was searching, I chose women who spoke at least intermidate English. I also understand that there are many wonderful RW who don't speak English but it's riskier engaging in a relationship with them.

What I found was a woman who did not speak as much English as I wanted but enough to tell she was really into me over phone conversations. I visited her and based on her behavior, I knew she was a good woman. After I left for home, she was motivated to learn more English for me. The important factor here was she was improving her English to improve our relations and our communicating. got to respect that.

Stuart, what is happening now between you and your woman to improve your relationship? Is it to your satisfaction? Unless marriage is just for physical affection, you got to get to know her character, personality and her heart before proposing.

[Lily]

To me it seems that Stuart is fluent in Russian, if he managed to achieve a very very well understanding with a person who does not speak English. Is it true? if not, how do you communicate all the time?

On the Siberian couple. You say they achieve great success, and at the same time are of the opinion that the cultural differences are unsurmountable. Somehow it does not look quite right to me. Are they happy with what they do here, and still feel alien? Quite a rare case, IMHO. Their opinion may be true for some people, but not for everyone Russian.

 Their opinion about impossibility to integrate is very very particular. There are millions of Russians, every person is unique with her ability to adjust, to change, to tolerate and to grow. One should look at the particular person and evaluate her abilities.

It looks that this girl has very little of that abilities, at least from the Stuart's words. It is one thing if the person does nort know the language, but it is a different thing if the person is not willing to learn it.

Is she willing to learn the language? From what do you know about her, does she has a proven record of her abilities to grow and to adjust? How determined is she in her life? do you have answers on these questions?

If Siberian couple says that you should not trust that particular Russian woman, they may be right. If they say you should not trust Russian women in general, I'd say that you should not trust that Siberian couple.

[Jet]

To me it seems that Stuart is fluent in Russian, if he managed to achieve a very very well understanding with a person who does not speak English. Is it true? if not, how do you communicate all the time?

On the Siberian couple. You say they achieve great success, and at the same time are of the opinion that the cultural differences are unsurmountable. Somehow it does not look quite right to me. Are they happy with what they do here, and still feel alien? Quite a rare case, IMHO. Their opinion may be true for some people, but not for everyone Russian.

 Their opinion about impossibility to integrate is very very particular. There are millions of Russians, every person is unique with her ability to adjust, to change, to tolerate and to grow. One should look at the particular person and evaluate her abilities.

It looks that this girl has very little of that abilities, at least from the Stuart's words. It is one thing if the person does nort know the language, but it is a different thing if the person is not willing to learn it.

Is she willing to learn the language? From what do you know about her, does she has a proven record of her abilities to grow and to adjust? How determined is she in her life? do you have answers on these questions?

If Siberian couple says that you should not trust that particular Russian woman, they may be right. If they say you should not trust Russian women in general, I'd say that you should not trust that Siberian couple.

Yeah! Everything she said ^

Lily brought up virtually every one of the points that popped into my head while reading your post Chicagoguy. The fact that the Siberian couple are still here in the US and advising you as a couple, negates more than half the advice they are offering right off the bat.

[Chicagoguy]

All I speak are a few Russian words. Languages are VERY difficilt for me but if I were ever to live there I would do my best.

I first met this woman on the Internet and we write each other every day since last August. She uses a translating program and then goes through it again to make sure it makes sense. She is very diligent at this and I am sure it is time consuming. From this she does learn some English.Things like this make me believe in her.

As an aside I have one daughter who is a certified ESL teacher and has done this for a while in different school districts full time.

We did spend a week together in Moscow and we will travel to Turkey in May. She maintains she would live in Russian village to be with me. I have been to Russia quite a few times including some villages and I do not choose them !! And after this, maybe in the Fall, I will go to her home and meet her family and friends. This is important to me.

As for my Siberian friends who came here with no English skills the wife is now a board certified MD in 4 specialities and her husband works with computer programming and web page design.

It will eventually be my decision alone but their input scared me. And as some of the people here have said - how well can you know her if there is this language barrier. This is correct. All I really have are meetings and frequent e-mails. But her personality really shows through on those and when we are together.

Thanks, I appreciate all the input.

[Serebro]

Chicagoguy, good luck with the girl:)

[55North]

Stuart, you are a new poster, but let's assume that you have been lurking here for a while, and have taken in the positives and negatives of this process., and read of a good few train wrecks.

Without boring you with the details, myself and some others, even in our dotage, have been absolutely smitten by our RWs, even as we count ourselves as experienced, and jaded in life.  There are always voices off to say, she's too young, you haven't known her long enough, etc., etc.  But, at the end of the day, you have to trust instinct, and just go for it.
 
My boss is a 'hard' entrepreneur from the rough side of town, who's upbringing and lifestyle, along with that of his friends is completely at variance with my own.  He has 2 childhood friends,  also successful in business, who have been 'cleaned out' by their Russian wives.  He believes me to be on a course of doom and destruction (he knows that I will be difficult to replace, at such a small wage  ).  What he doesn't get, and I can't tell him, is that the women I attract would have little in common with him or his pals.
 
What confirmed my course was something said by one of the illustrious regulars here, something along the lines of (paraphrased) 'if you have ever known genuine love before, you will know it when it happens again'.  (Who said that?  Own up!)

[AnastassiaAsh]

Chicagoguy, does your lady at least want to learn English?

[vwrw]

But my worry is that the one I truly want does not speak English. We seem to understand each other very,very well but what does this really mean ?

To draw conclusion about new person in our life we consciously or unconsciously compare sensations we receive in communication with this new person with the sensations we gain in communication with other people. 

Regardless how intellectual, witty, and funny you are…you  lose the most ordinary Russian man in the comparisons she does in her mind.

For experiment’s sake, take an interesting book of American author translated in Russian. Translate it back in English through software and read it.  Soon, you will be bored to death in your attempts to figure out any sense in the collection of words you will read. This experiment would help you to see your relationship with this woman from her perspective.

[Gator]

Chicagoguy, does your lady at least want to learn English?

Very important point.

I tried seriously to develop a relationship with a RW who spoke only basic English.  We could not have a serious conversation and we had many misunderstandings.  We gave up.

While with me she tried to learn English, yet showed little progress.   This probably refelcted her language ability, her interest in learning a language (she worked in Germany off and on as a fashion model over 14 years and speaks little Deutsch, always having an interpreter), her age (42), and her committment to me.

The best way to test this is to offer your woman money for English classes.   You pay, she gives her time.  Then see how fast she progresses.

Wishing you the best.

[ScottinCrimea]

The desire to learn English is extremely important, because even if you understand each other very well, if the intent is to bring her to an English speaking country, others won't have the patience to try to understand her and she will become very isolated very quickly.  Add that to the other difficulties of adjusting to a new country culture, society and marriage and the chances of success go way down.  If you are convinced that she is the one for you, the best investment that you can both make in your relationship is to have her learn English BEFORE she comes to your country.

[Misha]

I agree with Scott. She should study the basics of English grammar in Russia. My wife arrived without knowing a word of English. It was/is extremely difficult for her to learn. Quite often, I would spend my evenings trying to explain English grammar. This year has been pure hell with a lot of tears as my wife struggles through learning English. If a woman at least studies the basics in Russia it will be easier as the instruction will be in Russian and it will be a bit less stressful for her to start studying English.

[Turboguy]

I am curious why your friends say you can not trust the RW?  I am sure there are RW who you can trust with your life as I could my wife and women who you could not trust with anything but are there things in what they know to give them cause to feel this.

I don't think language is the most important thing but it is totally important that she be willing to learn English.  The more she learns before she arrives the better.   I think arriving with a few words of English would be a major challenge.  I have seen a few gals do it successfully and I think if they have the drive and commitment and you are very patient it can work but you really need to know who each other are and what you like and don't like about each other first and that is hard without language.  interpreters just don't do it.

[Olgam]

"....But my worry is that the one I truly want does not speak English. We seem to understand each other very,very well but what does this really mean ?..."

It is great that you have this understanding regardless the language barrier, many couples who speak the same language don't have that!!!!  And as for the language barrier itself, it is a matter of time and don't listen to those who say it is an unsurmountable barrier. I will repeat myself and say that all this is just a matter of time and there is no problem at all.  You may try learning some Russian ( this is what I always advice to foreigners who want to marry a RW) and you certainly need to motivate your girl to learn English - she will have to if she wants to have a normal life in an English speaking country.
As for the matter of trust - there are good and bad people everywhere, and here you should listen to your heart only and certainly, try to be objective. But don't let others'  prejudices influence your decision.

Good luck

[Turboguy]

Olga, I agree with you that it can be a very minor problem.   To me the biggest danger is that you wake up after 6-9-12 months of marriage and now the language problem is gone and you are wondering who it is you married and why you married them.   You find yourself married to a stranger with little in common.

I can go back to my first fiancee.   I met with her and although we shared little language all I saw was the good and lots of it.  Much later Jet's wife talked to her on the phone and came away with a very bad impression and a woman from Moscow who is a good friend of mine met with her and her comments were "She is very strange"   In the end she did turn out to be very strange and the relationship did not work out because of it.   Without the language I couldn't pick that up.

I am not trying to make the point that without language it can't work.  They can learn English quickly if they have the motivation.  You need to be very careful that you know who you are marrying.

[I/O]

Chicagoguy: Listen to your Siberian Couple friends and listen good. What they are trying to tell you is not IMO what others have drawn from their words. What they are saying is combine cultural adjustment/no language/new relationship and you have next to zero chance of settling her into a happy marital life. I agree with them wholeheartedly. Any one of those three alone is more than 50% of marriages in a modern world can stand, toss two of them together and the best of the OMB's will tell you it is a struggle early on, put 3 of them together and draw your own conclusion as to the likely result.

That said, stranger things have happened. Nevertheless, you can have a week or two holiday together, you can use the E-tanslators till you are blue in the face but the bottom line is, even if you start intensely learning Russian, the two of you have no direct mode of communication right now other than a few words, grunts and hand signals.

You believe this is a "Perfect Match". Sorry C/G but the only "Perfect Match" I can see is a "Perfect Recipe" for one helluva trainwreck. Hope I'm wrong and I sincerely wish you all the best, but please slow waaaaaaaaaaaaay down before deciding this is the "Perfect match". I am not saying "Ditch the Doll" but I am suggesting you think years rather than months before trotting up the isle.

Maybe I am a dinosaur, but I still actually enjoy talking to my wife, late into the night sometimes. I think some of you guys are way too flippant in your approach. :noidea: :noidea:

I/O

[Ade]

I would go along with I/O on this and the others are being too optimistic by far. The language barrier alone is a serious challenge not to be underestimated; even when she has learned the rudimentary skills it will take time for cultural language subtleties to be understood, some may never be.

And no disrespect intended Turbo but really, learning a language is not always as easy as "having the motivation". Some people just don't have the ability to become fluent in another language for one reason or another and just assuming they do is just blind faith.

My advice to you Chicago is that you need expect to spend a lot of time and effort to learn Russian and she English; once you've done that and you can actually talk, you should review the situation and figure out if she's your "perfect match".

[Misha]

They can learn English quickly if they have the motivation.  You need to be very careful that you know who you are marrying.

Turbo, how do you define "quickly"? My wife is finishing up her first year of English and I expect that it will take a few more years before she will be able to read and write fluently in English. If a woman arrives knowing no English, IMHO, your time line should be in years, not months. Yes, in a few months she may be able to have a basic conversation with you, but it will be a hard and long slog before her English is good enough to be able to function at the same level she was functioning in her own country.

Also, getting involved with someone when there is no common language is very risky. You can't really know someone without speaking their language. In the case of my wife and I, we spoke/speak Russian. After months with her and countless hours of talking, I knew her pretty well as she knew me. If I hadn't been able to speak to her in her language, I would have known next to nothing about her. It would have been like marrying a stranger. What happens if once she learns the language that you realize that you are not truly compatible? What if one or the other realizes that they married an illusion? 

[Chicagoguy]

I really appreciate all the well thought out advice.

I think I will follow much of it and move forward very slowly. Ask her to study English and then see on my visits how well she is doing. Also I will "run her by" my friends in Russia to get their opinion.

So far she has been very trustworthy and I have even communicated with some of her English speaking girlfriends. She has a tight family and many close friends. I receive pictures daily.

I might be new to this board but I was on the predecessor for many years and have been to Russia 13 times so I am no innocent. Just careful. I have met many nice women in Russia before with no problems but in my experience this one is a keeper.

Better to have loved and lost than not to loved at all. Except I also love my money !