How much money to send to wife

[Taz]

Sounds like a load of BS to me too. If not this guy takes the cake for idiot of the year with respect to RW. This woman will burn a hole through his pocket like his never seen. I can easily live on $800/month quite nicely in the FSU as long as I am not in Kyiv, Piter or Moskva. Now I could do it there if I didn't have to pay for an apartment or a place to live.

This woman is obviously blowing the money as fast as she can. Dude got what he deserved. Personally I'd dump her and get a divorce ASAP. If the child is that difficult as well it will get even worse when she comes to live with him. Hit the eject button and bail-out. No more advice is really needed on this one. It will only get more expensive to go through a divorce once he brings her home than to do it in Ukraine.

[Jumper]

wow..
what a convoluted mess.

a perfect storm.
the two of you diffinently seem to have expectations that are not anywhere near reality.

She has what on the surface seems completely normal ones,
 as shes married , and as a husband you should see to her care and health.
but yes that can be abused, and it seems you feel she is ..
(for example: by not fully discussing or disclosing what dental work *needed*
 to be done, and its cost, then going ahead with what she *wanted*
 to do  , vs needed to be done)

The flip side of that is you just vacationed in Egypt,
(sharm el shiek? perhaps?)
so can afford a nice holiday, but not $800 of dental work.
that would get most any husband the giant scarlett letter  "G" for greedy,
 by her friends and family..and hurt feelings on her end.
Do you guys discuss these things in depth, you are man and wife now -
even if you haven't known each other long..
how good is her English?


Lots of things on both sides of this it seems..

The biggest worry to me would be this-

VWRW said s

It is very strange that unemployed woman, who has plenty of time, prefers her daughter living separately.

you replied that she was working 80 hours in the past..
or was working out of the country.

and that raises all kinds of issues.

1. the most important one-

she was struggling and working hard before,,

most moms coming from that experience-
would be simply overjoyed that they now had actual time to SPEND with their child..

and spend it getting reacquainted and have some fun together..
as well as PREPARE the child and herself ,
for relocation to a new country and culture.

not waste this time with excuses that the child is only closer to babushka now..
  
it is very odd to me..
this isn't the typical "family values" most men are looking for..??


2. she was working a lot before, and internationally.
yet now can not get any good work or only 5$ a day?

Ukraine's salaries have quadrupled (so has cost of living) but few make 5$ a day anymore! -
even babushkas in the bazaar are doing better than that.

I'm not saying she should work,, as getting prepared to relocate can be hectic time consuming and take most of her energy..(depending a lot on just how much needs to be spent in study of a new language)


just pointing out the stories dint seem to make sense, most people who have the contacts or the qualifications to work legitimately abroad, also have qualifications to not make mere peanuts in their home city.
 What did she do for work?
 if she is not qualified for decent work in her home city, hopefully you know why??



but to answer your original post..___________

yes i did send money to my wife (we married in Ukraine)
(after we were married , but before her relocation..)

how much depended on the actual needs ,and we discussed what we could,
and could not ,afford as a couple.
just like .....well..like we were married..

yes there were times of misunderstandings of the situations ..on both sides.
but we had gone over all of this long before marriage so no big surprises really,
only points to clarify.

I sent what i could, when i could.
as mentioned above , i felt i shouldn't be living some other *standard*..
so tried to make sure we were on equal of footing as possible,and if anything for hers to be a bit better than mine if reasonable or realistic to do so...
( had spent a of time in Ukraine so had a real good basis of comparison)
and i felt i had certainly lived better for many years..
she was my wife..
and my turn to be on the short end of the stick dint seem a bad thing..short term?
and glad i could bring a bit of sunshine into my wife's life, that had seen sun, but plenty of overcast as well..

The danger of raising unrealistic expectations of our future lifestyle wasn't a worry,
 as i wasn't in a position to spoil her that much!

It's odd you mention something-
 I did pay for grandmothers headstone..but it was a touchy subject and something i had to approach with caution,it was also at a time i was not in the best shape to do so..
but something i wanted to do and after visting the gravesite felt needed to be done.She was a wonderful women and deserved something of remembrance.


You are in a situation that i don't think  is that uncommon,unfortunantkly.

Its hard to earn or give trust after the fact,,
as your relationship should have built up upon that foundation..
not revisiting it and trying to build it after marriage.
but its the hand you've dealt each other at the moment.

my only advice to address that large missing piece..

is to really have some deep conversations,,
on ALL matters.
(which may require more actually listening to each other than talking)


good luck!!



Hey catman,, seems you have studied well padawan..lol
 your list  is good.
in the list  somewhere should be *manage expectations ,your own ,and hers*

[Blues Fairy]

1 she would look bad in front of her friends that her husband couldn't support her
3 she can only get bad work as shes not well educated
4 in a round about way her opinion is a married woman should not have to work.

After arguing she sorta plays the injured party, how i just dint understand her etc.

Man, you're deep in it.

[jakeob]

groovsltk

I have the same profile i always did, i sign off neil uk sometimes, like i said before i have made some mistakes, but man enough to hold my hands up and admit it,

Most people are giving me good advice here and i greatly appreciate it ,  i am always amazed how there are some people who just want to attack or discredit instead of trying to help

neil uk

[groovlstk]

I have the same profile i always did, i sign off neil uk sometimes, like i said before i have made some mistakes, but man enough to hold my hands up and admit it,

Neil, you have two completely separate identities that you post under, jakeob and neiluk. I don't need to see your IP address to know that you are one and the same.

Most people are giving me good advice here and i greatly appreciate it ,  i am always amazed how there are some people who just want to attack or discredit instead of trying to help

neil uk

As foolish as you have acted I'd have plenty of sympathy for you if you hadn't mocked those who advised others against the same silly course you've taken. When the experienced guys here admonished DKMM to get to know his woman before proposing to her, you indirectly called us "retards" and fools. Can you see the irony in how you now find yourself in the same unenviable situation that we warned against? This drama, with all its irony and foreshadowing, would have played to packed houses in ancient Greece.

I hope for your sake you're a troll and your sitiation is manufactured to get a rise from the members here, if not your trainwreck is right on schedule.

[jakeob]

Listen , Neil uk and Jakeob are YES me i never said it wasent. Does that spell it for you inspector Cluzo

"ARR but you said this and that to another member" So what ??? it was just my input at the time get over it.

I have got better things to do with my time and make up stories to get involved in a forum, by telling my story here i am potentially making my self look stupid to say the least, but i am willing to take some stick from [removed name-calling] to hopefully get some advice from decent men who can see "Yes" i have made a mistake, but i am trying to put it right.

If you cant offer me any help then go watch TV or something

[LiveFromUkraine]

Listen , Neil uk and Jakeob are YES me i never said it wasent. Does that spell it for you inspector Cluzo

"ARR but you said this and that to another member" So what ??? it was just my input at the time get over it.

I have got better things to do with my time and make up stories to get involved in a forum, by telling my story here i am potentially making my self look stupid to say the least, but i am willing to take some stick from [removed name-calling]  to hopefully get some advice from decent men who can see "Yes" i have made a mistake, but i am trying to put it right.

If you cant offer me any help then go watch TV or something

Actually Jake or Neil, the [removed name-calling] that I see here is you.   No one can help you here Jake or Neil.  Why is it you have two screen names?  Like to troll a little and now you got yourself into a messed up situation you want help from the "decent men".  I wouldn't consider you very decent.  You marry a woman in a couple of months time then start posting trust related questions regarding money.  You asked your wife to quit her job but are now complaining about all the money she is requesting.  Hmmm... Doesn't sound like a decent man to me.  You are now responsible to this woman.  Be a decent man yourself.  How is that for some advice.


 


Here is some more advice.  WORK IT OUT WITH YOUR WIFE BY TALKING TO HER.  That is what a decent man would do.  Duh..



Thomas

[jakeob]

Jeepers another dummy!!


"Is live from ukraine "your real name no of course not its your screen name.

Jakeob is my screen name and i sign my post with my real name neil and i am in uk get it????

[Admin]

Hey Guys,

I realize the debates can get heated, but let's cease with the name-calling.

I am going back to your posts to remove those - hopefully leaving everything else intact.

- Dan

[LiveFromUkraine]

Jeepers another dummy!!


"Is live from ukraine "your real name no of course not its your screen name.

Jakeob is my screen name and i sign my post with my real name neil and i am in uk get it????

I am not the one that married a woman I don't know.  Maybe you should reconsider whom the dummy really is.


Thomas

[KenC]

Listen , Neil uk and Jakeob are YES me i never said it wasent. Does that spell it for you inspector Cluzo

"ARR but you said this and that to another member" So what ??? it was just my input at the time get over it.

I have got better things to do with my time and make up stories to get involved in a forum, by telling my story here i am potentially making my self look stupid to say the least, but i am willing to take some stick from the "A Holes"  to hopefully get some advice from decent men who can see "Yes" i have made a mistake, but i am trying to put it right.

If you cant offer me any help then go watch TV or something

Neil,
Step back for a moment and listen.

It is your cocky "know it all" attitude that has put you in the current position you find yourself.  Confidence is a necessity for this game, but over confidence is a curse.  You *thought* you knew everything and proceeded to make a lifetime commitment (?) to a woman you hardly know.  And now you are call others A-holes? :noidea:  Dial back the attitude and most here will help in any way possible.

You have squarely put the cart before the horse here, but the only thing you can do now, is to get to know your wife!!  That being said, you are giving her a ridiculously high amount of money to live off.  Have some good long conversations of your expectations from her and her's of you.  You have many red flags to clear up before you proceed in this marriage.  In "proceeding" I mean moving her to the UK.  BTW, is it the plan to have the daughter come too?
KenC

[Taz]

Neil- quite honestly you are in so far over your head that I don't know if you can save it. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread as the saying goes...

You need to put the brakes on this ASAP. You need to address the trust issues. I can assure you too that if you are giving her $800/month now that the ante will be upped once she gets here. You should have given her the same amount as what she was making there or slightly more. Now you have set the standard pretty high. To give her $800/month means you had to earn a lot more in the UK BEFORE taxes are taken out. So in effect you are giving your wife about $20,000 a year. VERY FEW people in Ukraine make this kind of money and 90% of them are going to be living in Kyiv most likely.

You have set yourself up for failure if you don't get the cows back in the barn. You need to SERIOUSLY talk with this woman. It sounds like you have married a TOTAL STRANGER! You know almost nothing about her it seems. If she would just decide to have a full cosmetic dental makeover without consulting you and then expect you to foot the bill, then she is definitely milking this for all its worth. You should have told her NO and not sent her the money. She could have known the amount that it would have cost but she screwed you as you were the easy mark who paid up every other time.

I've been to Russian dental offices and dated a RW dentist for a long time. She ALWAYS was able to quote her patients what the costs would be upfront. Your wife sold you line of BS and you swallowed it all.  There may be some fluctuations in dental costs IF they uncover something they didn't expect BUT most experienced dentists have a good idea of what they are getting into. My father was a dentist, oral surgeon and then orthodontist. We spent time in the FSU while he trained Russian dentists so believe me I've been around dentistry for a long time. I did a lot of his lab work for many years as well so I know my away around incisors, bicuspids, molars, etc.

Have your wife go back to work and sit down with her and have a real heart-to-heart talk with her. You truly have married a stranger and you both are likely to be miserable. How do you know she won't go in for some minor illness and come with a tummy-tuck and expect you to foot the bill? If a woman you were dating did this to you, you'd call her a scammer. But what do you call her????? WIFE!!!! Good luck laddy, you are on the roller coaster ride of your life and you don't even have the child involved in this Greek tragedy yet!

[I/O]

Jakeob: Where and when was the wedding exactly? (Sorry if I missed that somewhere)

I/O

[LiveFromUkraine]

Jakeob: Where and when was the wedding exactly? (Sorry if I missed that somewhere)

I can see what your getting at with your questions, but the truth we only met towards the end of last year and we got married early this year, we had only known each other a couple of months. "Yes i know what a dick" but thats where i am at. She did have a job earning $5 a day, so i told her to pack it in, because i was happy to send her $200 per week. she has a daughter that lives with her grandmother in the same town, she gives half the money i send to there up keep, and my wife lives alone in her house.

[jakeob]

We was married at the Zaggs in Kherson in Jan this year.

Why do need this info??

[I/O]

We was married at the Zaggs in Kherson in Jan this year.

Where are you up to with the immigration process?

I/O

[MaxxumUSA]

[jakeob]

IO

Well we managed to get a interview at the British embassy in Feb, i went with my wife to Kiev but they refused her because we hadnt known each long enough, so now i have a lawyer working on the appeal and it goes to court around August ,,, at this stage i havent run up much of a bill with the lawyer.

neil

[UTRO]

A little late here Neil.... Yes, $800 is a lot of Dental work in the FSU, outside of Moscow and Pete. Even for laser whitening, etc..
I had braces 'installed' in January, cost $6500. Knowing this gave Svetlana the courage to do it as well. She'd been contempalating braces for years, but didn't thinking of the pain(?) involved and the looks she'd get from other Russians..... explaining that adult 'brace faces' aren't seen too often!! She decided since I was getting them we could go through the process together What was I getting at.... oh sorry, anyhow... for full top and bottom bracework using invisible white porcelain instead of metal cost her $1000! :seething: No I didn't pay for it and she wouldn't have asked, or taken it if I did.
As far as an allowance goes.... $200 a week is above the average wage for an educated Ukrainian woman outside of Kiev! This is what Lana earns in Russia and she's quite comfortable. She owns her own Flat.
As far as her child goes.... If she's not working, with all this free time on her hands and money in her hands, why isn't she caring for her own kid?? My Ex stayed home for 8 years without working... but she sure as hell didn't ship our children off to Grandma's! She was completely involved and immersed in raising them.
Neil, I think you have got yourself a real winner. She is a liar, she's spoiled and she's selfish. You can most certainly find many women like that in the UK! You didn't need to go to the Ukraine to be taken advantage of.
I'm not going to call you names. It isn't right. From what You've written only, my advice... Get out of this before she arrives to meet the Queen.

[groovlstk]

Neil,

All ball-busting for your earlier arrogance aside, I realize you're in a very bad situation and probably have no one to turn to locally who can understand the depth of your predicament. And it's not all about you -- regardless of your wife's intentions and how she feels about you, whatever you ultimately decide will have a big impact on her and her child.

There are so many red flags here that it's almost impossible to see any shade but red, like looking at a big pool of blood.

Here are a few things to seriously consider in addition to what others have mentioned earlier in this thread:
-If she's not working and not caring for her child on a daily basis, what is she doing all day? There is a class of young FSU women who reproduce before they're mature enough to handle it and then dump their child w/parents or grandparents and go out and party every night. By sending her so much cash with so little responsibility, you're giving her the means to live this sort of lifestyle.
-It often comes as a surprise to western men, but the mentality there is such that it's quite possible you are an object of scorn and derision for her and her friends, and they laugh at you as they carouse at local nightclubs on your dime. She may also have a local boyfriend who helps her spend your hard-earned cash. This sort of behavior is almost unfathomable to a lot of western guys until they've spent enough time around FSU women to understand how guys painted as "fiancee worshippers" are regarded. Plenty of guys show up here after hooking up w/such women and express bewilderment at how someone can so ruthlessly take advantage of their trusting nature and romantic optimism. Such warm qualities praised in bad romantic comedies in the West are seen as weakness and an opportunity for clever girls (to borrow JB's phrase) in Ukraine/Russia. 
-Can you look honestly at your relationship and say that she loves you? And vice versa? Adapting to a new life in a very different culture will be an enormous challenge for you both, if love is not part of the foundation neither of you will be able to overcome the many hurdles on the horizon.

I think you need to take not one but two steps back here, put the emigration plans on the back burner and go back to square one -- the part where you both take time getting to know each other. Be a gentleman but don't be a fool, and don't consider the money and time you've invested thus far as justification for risking a trainwreck.

[jakeob]

Ken c,,

Sounds like a load of BS to me too. If not this guy takes the cake for idiot of the year with respect to RW.

You asked your wife to quit her job but are now complaining about all the money she is requesting.  Hmmm... Doesn't sound like a decent man to me.  You are now responsible to this woman.  Be a decent man yourself.  How is that for some advice.

Sorry Ken if i look like a "Cocky no it all"  but really i am only defending myself from the abuse i have been getting, Yes i did tell my wife she could finish her job. then i replaced her income 4 fold, i am not complaining about the $800 per month, i raised the issue about the extras she asks for on top of this, and i dont just mean the teeth.

neil

[jakeob]

groovlstk

I now the women your describing there i have met plenty of them in my 5 years at this, just didnt think this girl was one of them, she just seemed decent and honest for most of the time until just latley, maybe a local boyfriend has come into the picture, i just dont know. What i do know is she has dug up an old girl friend whos always around, another non worker, whos Ukrainian husband pays for everything. I am trying my best to let things ride for a while, i am going back on Monday next week and i am going to have a very long talk with her ans watch her reaction. My only fear  is she is playing me, and backs off and just waits for the uk trip

It would be easy for me at this point like many have said, to cut my losses and get a divorce here and now, but after we talk "Daily" on the phone i can sorta see her side, and hmmmm i am just not sure. As for the "trust" thing well i am trying but shes got to work a bit harder for it.

well thanks for the advice everybody i keep posted how thing are going

neil

[WmGO]

-It often comes as a surprise to western men, but the mentality there is such that it's quite possible you are an object of scorn and derision for her and her friends, and they laugh at you as they carouse at local nightclubs on your dime. She may also have a local boyfriend who helps her spend your hard-earned cash. This sort of behavior is almost unfathomable to a lot of western guys until they've spent enough time around FSU women to understand how guys painted as "fiancee worshippers" are regarded. Plenty of guys show up here after hooking up w/such women and express bewilderment at how someone can so ruthlessly take advantage of their trusting nature and romantic optimism. Such warm qualities praised in bad romantic comedies in the West are seen as weakness and an opportunity for clever girls (to borrow JB's phrase) in Ukraine/Russia. 

Just repeating the reality for newbies and seekers.........

[Admin]

My first reaction to the question was:

"As much as she needs - after all, she is your wife."

Then I went looking for a definition of the term "wife." Here is an interesting one:

WIFE - A woman who has a husband.

A wife, as such, possesses rights and is liable to obligations. These will be considered.

1st. She may make contracts for the purchase of real estate for her own benefit, unless her husband expressly dissents. And she is entitled to a legacy directly given to her for her separate use. In some places, by statutory provision, she may act as a feme sole trader, and as such acquire personal property.

2d. She may in Pennsylvania, and in most other states, convey her interest in her own or her husband's lands by deed acknowledged in a form prescribed by law.

3d. She is under obligation to love, honor and obey her husband and is bound to follow him wherever he may desire to establish himself: (it is presumed not out of the boundaries of the United States,) unless the husband, by acts of injustice and such as are contrary to his marital duties, renders her life or happiness insecure.

4th. She is not liable for any obligations she enters into to pay money on any contract she makes, while she lives with her husband; she is presumed in such case to act as the agent of her husband.

5th. The incapacities of femes covert, apply to their civil rights, and are intended for their protection and interest. Their political rights stand upon different grounds, they can, therefore, acquire and lose a national char-acter. These rights stand upon the general principles of the law of nations.

6th. A wife, like all other persons, when she acts with freedom, may be punished for her criminal acts. But the law presumes, when she commits in his presence a crime, not malum in se, as murder or treason, that she acts by the command and coercion of her husband, and, upon this ground, she is exempted from punishment. But this is only a presumption of law, and if it appears, upon the evidence, that she did not in fact commit the act under compulsion, but was herself a principal actor and inciter in it, she may be punished.

The other definitions I found were biblical (some of the best) or were parodies (some quite funny). Of course, there is the definition of a Good Wife at www.goodwife.com.

For me, it comes down to this:

She is YOUR WIFE!

A *man* takes care of his WIFE.

Period. End of story.

If she has a need. Take care of it.

Just my $.02 worth.

- Dan

[MaxxumUSA]

If you have given her impression that you are wealthy and you are not - then you need to come clean.  International dating/romance/marriage is really not for those in a weak financial position.  If that is the case you need to let her know now before she comes to UK because trust me she will be gone quick smart if she is living in worse conditions in her new home than her old home.  These woman are only dealing with us older, bald, and out of shape men because we can provide them a better life.  Sure - there are some of us lucky enough to honestly be deep in love with our wife but that does not mean that their motivation to be with us is blind love.

Others here suggest that $200 a week is a lot but I disagree.  I know from traveling in russia and spending a total of two months there last year that $200 goes very fast.  For me I spent more than that buying my wife and 2 others dinner.

My wife has been here in the USA and I give her more than this for spending money and she has no bills to worry about.  Some of her money she sends back to her mom in Russia and the rest she spends on necessities and things she wants.  I NEVER question her about the money she spends because quite honestly I don't care all that much - and in the same respect she never asks me about how much money I spend on this or that.  My wife does not work and it's quite endearing sometimes I complain about how many bills I need to pay and she will offer up her little stash she has saved.  Of course I'm complaining about 5 figure stuff and I certainly did not intend her to do that.  Of course I refuse but in an emergency I may take her up on the offer.

A lot of these decisions will depend on your level of income.  If she needs/wants more money and you have a high income and high living standards yourself - then you should do your best to provide her with a similar lifestyle.  Like BC said early in this thread....  in for a penny, in for a pound.  And yes - my wife asks me for EXTRA when her family needs it or she wants it for something special.  My answer is always yes I will if I have it.  Yes.  No problem.  "I am happy to" I tell her, because it's true.  Why on god's green earth do we work and make money if not to support and help the people we love?  IMO money is not something to be hoarded;  rather a tool to provide a good life and what good is a tool if it's not used?

So...  She is your wife.  To answer your question about how much to send to her is pretty much in your hands.  There are a lot of opinions here.  For me I take my monthly income, take out all necessities (mortgage, power, phone, credit card bills, taxes, etc etc.)  and savings/investments.  Then the rest is "play money" and I basically split that amount 50/50.  I have custody of my son from a previous marriage that I care for out of my 50%.  Also out of my 50% I pay for our entertainment when we go out and travel.  We go out of town somewhere usually 2 weekends a month. She does most the food shopping out of her 50%.

NOW - the most important part of my post is coming here:  This is what me and my wife do.  We are a true couple and in love.  We are partners in life.  I hope the same applies to you.  I know you're new to being married but it is possible.

A good way to learn more about your wife is of course to visit for longer durations.  2-3 weeks at a time every 2 months is what I did.  She is your wife now - get over there and be with her all you can.  I made it possible and I am a business man and single father.  If I can find a way, so can anyone.  This will certainly look good at the embassy when your next interview comes to pass.

- Maxxum