Two Weeks After Arrival

[Bruno]

a 2002 document from the United Nations agency UNESCO states that culture is the "set of distinctive spiritual, material, intellectual and emotional features of toilet or a social group and that it encompasses, in addition to art and literature, lifestyles, ways of living together, value systems, traditions and beliefs".

So, it seem to me that my use of the term "culture" is enough accurate...

Ok, in any case i fully agree with the last sentence of your post... simple and direct...

 

 

[Bruno]

Again, give time... she is living with Clyde only from a short time... this will slowdown... give some report in one month... i am sure that it will be changing... in the good way or other... and if i good remember, several member have say several time that the first year will be very expensive... in money and time... Clyde, speak with her, use your free time for explain her a lot of thing about everything... and only if it is not better at the end of the K1, begin thing to send her back... you are only some day living together... God have make the world in 6 day and rest the 7.... Since you are not God, give her six month... make a evaluation of the progress each month... if the progress is positive ( same little ), you are on the good way...

[KenC]

jb,

I don't know man, because Lena sure didn't take the cash budget idea as a slap in the face at all.  She actually had more control of our collective budget with the cash.  It may all be in how you present the idea.  Here is our back story to this:

Lena was not very disciplined in enetering debit card purchases and even checks into our check register.  This made it almost impossible to not bounce checks.  I asked her how much she needed for groceries, gas, day to day expenses for each week.  I gave her the cash instead of her using the joint checking.  (I pay the bills)  The plan is for her to open her own checking and keep it balanced.  It should be easy without the direct drafts that come into our joint checking account.  Down the road, I want her to understand how to maintain and balance a checking account and look forward to the day she takes our joint checking over.  I think with checks, debits, direct drafts and on line bill paying, she was overwhelmed and intimidated by our check book.  Now she can start small and build.

KenC

[BC]

Ken,

In essence you are giving your wife the family budget AND passing on the responsibilities associated with it.  That's a big difference than the situation jb described.

Come to think of it, I would hate to be in the shoes of a RW coming over on a K1, not knowing anything about the financial position of the man that brought me here, driving myself nuts trying to figure out if I'll 'make the cut' and can finally put my tattered suitcase in the dumpster. Going through the financial situation together to get a 'feel' for what the limits are instead of being issued a larger 'allowance' than the kids get can only help to build trust.

It's tough enough for the westerner to handle 'virtual' money so it shouldn't be a surprise that the RW will have problems too.

Honey.. I'd like to buy this.. it's nice..
We can't afford it darling..
Why not?  You just got paid or?
But we're overdrawn already..
How did that happen?
We spent a lot of money and went into debt..
But I haven't bought anything yet
Yeah honey but your tickets were expensive..
So it's my fault?

[Son of Clyde]

BC,

It does not matter in the least what you paid to bring her here, once she arrives it is a clean slate.

I'm spending more for them than I've spent on myself in the past year.

Do they appreciate it?

[BC]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

It does not matter in the least what you paid to bring her here, once she arrives it is a clean slate.

I'm spending more for them than I've spent on myself in the past year.

Do they appreciate it?

Clyde,

Insert 'if' between 'bring her here,' and 'once she arrives' and I'll agree with your statement

The bottom of my post was just an example (not ours) that I'm quite sure happens often.. sad situation.

If you're asking if my wife appreciates that I brought her here the answer is no.. she doesn't have to. We're just happy being able to be together. She never said thank you or anything close.. if she had I would have sent her packing.. -A relationship built on 'debt' or gratitude is not what I was looking for. She owes me nothing.

[Bruno]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

I'm spending more for them than I've spent on myself in the past year.

Do they appreciate it?

Maybe it is because you have never spend enough previously that she spend a lot now... remember that woman wish a cosy home... in some way, you share the pleasure of a confortable home... she spend not money only for her but for you too... of maybe you are already living in the doghouse !!!!

Never forget that when you life together, the money is not more your but these of the family... what she buy is not for her but her family... of course, in the beginning some thing are only for her but, again, don't forget that she have follow you in a foreign country with only a few bagage... imagine the reverse situation... yourself living in her home country... i am sure that you will spend a lot of money in the beginning for have what you need...

The real question is : Do you appreciate what she make with you money ? Sorry to say this, but it seem to me that you are not ready for a family life... a Russian wife is not something that you place on the wall like a trophy... it is a woman who have loose all to follow you... her sacrifice is more big that your few $$$... And it seem that you don't appreciate at the right value the sacrifice she have make... i find this a little egoistic...

[Son of Clyde]

When I purchased the linens she said "but they will last 30 years".

Her logic is by thinking over time, she does not see these debts as a week to week progression.

If I purchased all she has been wanting in the last few days, it would be $799.00 for a treadmill, $1,799.00 for new bedroom furniture and $699.00 for a washer/dryer unit. If you add this to the $800.00 spent last weekend it will be about 2 months net pay.

She needs to know the concept of allowing a certain amount per month and not to exceed that. I want to start giving her $20.00 a day for herself but it will not include grocery money. This will be her spending money.

The $800.00 in linens should be our limit for the month for household items.

She is not seeing the difference between necessities and recreational things. A 6 month spa membership for her may equal the price of the treadmill.   

[BC]

Clyde,

She certainly knows quality that will last when it comes to linen and such.. this is her expertise.

She's used to walking, doesn't feel comfortable yet walking around the block and can't drive to the spa.. thus the alternative .. treadmill.

Washer, dryer.. don't have these?

Bedroom set.. 'bad ghosts' maybe?  (this topic has been around the forum for years so giving ya no slack here)

You should be happy Clyde, she is trying to show her true intentions - none of this stuff would fit in a suitcase.

Maybe your 'adjustment' will be more difficult than hers?

[KenC]

Wow Clyde,

I think you are in big trouble.  First you mention "sending her back" and now this:

I'm spending more for them than I've spent on myself in the past year.

Do they appreciate it?

If you cannot get over your "me against them" attitude, I think you're toast!  This is suppose to be your family now.  Your bachelor ways have no bearing on your new life situation.  Personally, I think you are in way over your head.  Maybe financially, but more importantly, emotionally over your head.  Do you love her?  Can you learn to love her son?  Because you sure don't act like it.  All you post here is how they are screwing up your life.  Did you think that 3 could live as cheaply as one?  Did you not think that a woman would want to change a few things in your home?  If you cannot wrap your head around the fact that you are a family of three now, maybe you should send them back and save them the future misery that is sure to come.

KenC

[Turboguy]

There are a lot of things we don't know.   Have you really sat her down and talked to her about this?

Her concept of this could be that she is doing a wonderful job in her role as your woman and making your life happy with wonderful linens and things for your house and in her mind perhaps thinks you should be thrilled with the wonderful way she is taking care of you.

I am not sure what you are saying when you said a 6 month membership for her would equal the price of a treadmill.   I got lost there but with a 6 month membership at a spa at the end of 6 months you have muscles and recipts.  With a treadmill after 6 months you still have a treadmill.   By the way a treadmill is the best investment in exercise equipment.   It is one of the few things people keep using.

Lets see $800.00 for linens that last 30 years.  You are only spending pennies a day, perhpaps you should find more expensive ones Son of Clyde.   After all they might last 40 years.

It sounds to me like you are getting better as saying NO.  I think when they first arrive and they look at you and smile and say honey can we get new linens.  We really need them and they will last 30 years, it is hard to say no.   You are right.   She does not seem to understand the differnce between necessitys and recreational stuff but to her something that might be recreational to you could be a necessity to her.

I am thinking after seeing what you are going through I should sign up for a few new credit cards to get ready for when Luda arrives.

 

[andrewfi]

Clyde: "When I purchased the linens she said "but they will last 30 years"."

Over here we have a saying 'we are not so rich that we can afford to buy poor quality'

If you buy rubbish, then it is always rubbish and wil not last. It is cheaper to by serviceable goods rather than cheap crap.

Do you not have home laundry equipment?

WOW!

Seems to me that much of the spending against which you are railing is stuff that should have been either bought before, becasue they are what a member of a modern society has and expects, or at least, if you are not one of those people, budgeted for their purchase, on the basis that the woman and her son probably are!

Those ceiling tiles were just a distracting tip of a horrid iceberg!

I think that you need to sit down and rethink your strategy. If it means that you take on some consumer credit then so be it. I can not think that you can expect to get away without spending money. Some purchases will be negotiable, but things like a washing machine, bike, bedlinen, or even a bed wil not be.

Accept what you have taken on with good grace and accept that you will be working a couple of years longer than you hoped...

[KenC]

Turbo,

Some how I don't think you will need those extra credit cards.:cool: You have been married before.  You have had a family before.  You know the drill.  Poor Clyde, a life long bachelor, had no clue as to how his responsibilities would increase with additional family members.  Besides, with the busy schedule you have planned, Luda won't have any time to shop.  (That was said very tongue in cheek)

KenC

[Turboguy]

Thanks Ken.   I was really joking about the credit cards.   I am not too worried about having the same problems as Clyde.   I have already spend over 20 grand getting ready for her.    The only used thing in the house is one night stand by the bed.   When I thought she was coming back with me on the 2nd I had the bed still plastic wrapped waiting for her to help me set it up as per the things I learned here.   I might have left it that way and slept on the couch for a few weeks so the bed could have stayed in plastic if I had know what was ahead.    Sleeping on the couch might have been good practice for what is ahead anyway.

I am sure there are always surprises with these gals but I can't really picture $ 800.00 linens being a priority with Luda.   My shopping list for her and I when she arrives are two bikes, two tennis rackets, two fishing poles, one set of ladies golf clubs,  I have already bought a tent and sleeping bags.   Of course what ever she wants in clothes.   I may buy a new treadmill.  I have one up at my other house but the thing weighs a ton and the exercise room in the house Luda and I will be sharing is upstairs and the stairs are a pain with a full u-turn going up.   I think I will just buy a cheap treadmill that is lighter and easier to get up the stairs.  

Just had a thought clyde.  Do you realize how many paper towels and paper table clothes you can get for $ 800.00?   Then you don't even need the washing machine.

[Son of Clyde]

I have a washer/dryer in the apartment but if a tenant moves in upstairs they will have use of it also. We are planning on eventually being in a new house therefore the washer/dryer, new furniture will go to the new place. I have antique bedroom furniture but the bed is a double not a Queen or King and she is rather tall. The bed is larger than a single bed but not quite Queen sized. KenC, why am I the victim? I am just trying to budget the money so it can be used for everything she wants.

[KenC]

Clyde,

You asked "why am I the victim?"  You are not a victim, you just act like it.  How about answering the questions I asked?

Do you love her?  Can you learn to love her son?  Because you sure don't act like it.  All you post here is how they are screwing up your life.  Did you think that 3 could live as cheaply as one?  Did you not think that a woman would want to change a few things in your home?

[/font][/size][/b]KenC

[Son of Clyde]

Yes Ken, I love them very much. I just want to be sure the money is there for the things they need. I can't buy them everything as soon as they see the things they want.

I have probably spent in excess of $10,000.00 just getting them here. Some of this was spent on my apartment and she does not like the apartment because the house is 85 years old.

Would you spend this kind of money on people you did not love?

[wxman]

The request for a treadmill sounds like boredom to me. If you do not want to spring for that, perhaps there is a health club close by that she can walk to. She can work out there, and the cost is spread out in monthly payments. Purchasing quality linens that will last a lifetime seems to me to be an excellent buy. That is one less purchase in the future. A washer and dryer you can move to a new place. You think you're future wife is expensive, wait til you move into a house. If you get an existing house, then plan to replace all the window treatments ($5000), new carpets ($10,000), new appliances ($5000) and that doesn't even include the furniture. Some you can bring with you, but once you move into a house, it will seem quite empty with just your furniture. Do you pay your utilities, or is that included in rent? If not, then add another few hundred to your monthly payment on the house.  Plus if it is an older house you buy, then eventually the roof will have to be replaced, windows replaced, plus painting the house inside and out every 5 years.  The list goes on and on. Seems like her request for a few thousand is not bad at all compared to what a house will cost.  Guess it comes down to which is more important. 

[Bruce]

Changing whats on your walls.  Look forward to it.  Perhaps changing almost all your furniture and perhaps your house as well.    Transporting artwork from Russia now has to be cleared through a bureaucrat or two to make sure it is not a "State Treasure" even though it may have been painted locally in your wife's city etc. within the last two years.  Thats any artwork from Russia.  We brought a huge picture of the Volga for our living room this past July.  They had a custom crate made for the painting which I will ship back and use the next time we fly over for more artwork.  Quality paintings are much cheaper in Russia than here despite the bureaucrats that have to receive $ to approve sending them out of Russia.  Your wife may like wallpaper - thats another thing they are used to.  Chances are she would love Russian nature paintings to remind her of her home country.   I am just helping you guys newly married to some unexpected things that may pop up over the next six months, like "we have to change these paintings and the only good ones for the money are in Russia kind of thing." 

[Turboguy]

Personally I think in a best case scenario you two plan to spend decades together.   The changes she wants can not be done over night.   I don't see you as having a me against them attitude.   Money does have limits.  If I remember correctly Onassis used to bitch about the way Jackie Kennedy spent money. 

Ok, she does not like your place.  The good side is that I believe you are renting.   You might be able to use that as a tool.   If you explain to her that if she spends too much it will delay the day when you can move to someplace you like better and may limit your choices of living places.   I think you are also more limited in how much fixing up you can do to a rental place.  I know you had the place painted but to me, and I think you are on the same program, you should just be looking at that as a stepping stone to get to where you both want to be.

If it makes you feel better the place Luda will be moving into is 105 years old.   Built in 1900.   In my case I think she will like it (actually I expect her mouth to hang open in awe) but one way or the other my plans, like your are to only stay there a year or two.  

You will get it all worked out.

[Turboguy]

The request for a treadmill sounds like boredom to me. If you do not want to spring for that, perhaps there is a health club close by that she can walk to. She can work out there, and the cost is spread out in monthly payments. Purchasing quality linens that will last a lifetime seems to me to be an excellent buy. That is one less purchase in the future. A washer and dryer you can move to a new place. You think you're future wife is expensive, wait til you move into a house. If you get an existing house, then plan to replace all the window treatments ($5000), new carpets ($10,000), new appliances ($5000) and that doesn't even include the furniture. Some you can bring with you, but once you move into a house, it will seem quite empty with just your furniture. Do you pay your utilities, or is that included in rent? If not, then add another few hundred to your monthly payment on the house.  Plus if it is an older house you buy, then eventually the roof will have to be replaced, windows replaced, plus painting the house inside and out every 5 years.  The list goes on and on. Seems like her request for a few thousand is not bad at all compared to what a house will cost.  Guess it comes down to which is more important. 

Damn waxman, you have been looking at my checkbook.   Lets see my 105 year old house,  New Roof, yep, new windows, yep,  Painting inside and out, yet, new carpet, yep.  all new appliances,  yep, even in stainless steel with water in the fridge door,  Window treatmens, half done,  Luda can finish.  All new furniture too.  (look at the money I saved on the moving van).   You forgot some big things.   The all new furnace with whole house air, the all new bath with corner whilrpool tub for two and the all new kitchen.   It sure isn't cheap.    But as Clyde asked,   Do they appreciate it?

[Photo Guy]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

Some of this was spent on my apartment and she does not like the apartment because the house is 85 years old.

I don't understand this. You two fell in love, you went through the long K-1 process, you shared your ideas and emotions, and then she tells you she 'doesn't like your apartment'?  I can see her expressing that idea carefully, after settling in for a year, but ...maybe I'm too sensitive. Yeah, that's probably it.  

[Turboguy]

I think Russian gals tend to be a little blunt.   That is probably good in some ways and not so good in others.

[KenC]

Photo,

As Turbo said, RW tend to be blunt.  I think that is a bit of an understatement.  Russians are very blunt and do not tend to sugar coat their feelings.  There is little regard to hurting the receipients feelings.  It has taken Lena a while to get the edge off her dealings with waitresses and sales people.  Some will take it as being rude.

KenC

[Photo Guy]

I'll make a note of that.  Blunt.
Okay, but I have another concern. Can she be HAPPY in an apartment she 'does not like'?!  Some people manage to find (any)thing to make them unhappy. I really hope Clyde's gal isn't one of those.