ex wife jealousy? animosity?

[topofthekey]

I was talking with another guy in a thread about his recent divorce and meeting a girl in i believe it was St. Pete.

I'm not divorced but the conversation got me curious. He had a kid so there will obviously be some contact with the ex wife. For those of you with ex wives with contact- what happened when you brought the new wife from overseas home?

how did the ex handle this situation? Maybe its just me but I see some situations with jealousy and animosity

[steviej]

I was divorced with 2 children from my previous marriage when I married my RW. If you would allow me to make a HUGE generalization, I would say an RW

- does NOT want you to be "friends" with your ex
- thinks your ex wants you back

[BC]

None noted here. They have met on a couple of occasions, talked a bit and that was that.  One of the notable (and most refreshing) aspects of our relationship is that very little, if any emphasis is placed on our past relationships.  In fact I can count the number of times we discussed our past partners with a couple of fingers.

My last relationship was with a woman that grew up with my ex-wife.. whatta mess.  She just couldn't let go of the past.  This ultimately led to the demise of our relationship.   

[OlgaH]

I think it depends on a personality 

For almost two years Robert's ex wife and I have never had any confrontation. I like to chat with her when she visits us. Time to time we have dinner together and help each other.

[steviej]

I think it depends on a personality 
 Time to time we have dinner together and help each other.

Olga, that truly astonishes me !! Every situation is certainly different.

[OlgaH]

She and I just don't have and see any reason for any confrontation. 

[KenC]

My ex asked my adult daughter, "how's your Dad's Russan adoption going?"  To which my daughter replied, "Great!  I think Dad is going to go back for a boy next!" :hipdude:

Lena and my ex have never met but there have been plenty of catty remarks put forth through friends and relatives.  I would like to think that after 10 years together with Lena that this is not an issue any more.  But I am sure a first meeting would still be intense.
KenC

[steviej]

My ex asked my adult daughter, "how's your Dad's Russan adoption going?"  To which my daughter replied, "Great!  I think Dad is going to go back for a boy next!" :hipdude:

Lena and my ex have never met but there have been plenty of catty remarks put forth through friends and relatives.  I would like to think that after 10 years together with Lena that this is not an issue any more.  But I am sure a first meeting would still be intense.
KenC

And for what purpose? I mean, a meeting could happen accidentally. But to feel a need to set one up? There is an old expression that I believe in: "Don't jump in front of bullets!" 

[steviej]

She and I just don't have and see any reason for any confrontation. 

I could make you a list, if you want   

Seriously, its great that you don't have any stress from that. 

[OlgaH]

I could make you a list, if you want   

Steviej,

Honestly I would like to see your list 

[Shadow]

RW expect that an ex-wife is exactly that. Ex.
They have no problem that you meet your children or spend time together with your children. But if you are being used as a tool by your ex-wife to run minor errands that require regular meetings with her, then you are in trouble.
As long as you are not a doormat for your ex, there is no problem.

[roykirk]

RW expect that an ex-wife is exactly that. Ex.

Very true.  Initially, I found it almost unnerving that my gf didn't want to know a thing about my ex-wife.  I was so used to my wife and previous girlfriends always being so interested in exes.  Eventually she asked me why we got divorced, but she just wanted a brief overview.  My ex and I didn't have kids, so that won't be an issue.  Unfortunately, I don't know if my ex will be as deferential towards my gf.  I live in a town of 5,000 people.  If she moved here and we got married, it'd be only a matter of time before they saw each other. 

[groovlstk]

There's a flip side to this coin, also.

My wife's ex-husband heard about me before my first visit and repeatedly told her he was going to be waiting at SVO for me with a gun    Thankfully his threat never materialized or he arrived at the wrong gate.

My wife didn't bother to let me know about this until months after, which was probably for the best 

[OlgaH]

But if you are being used as a tool by your ex-wife to run minor errands that require regular meetings with her, then you are in trouble.
As long as you are not a doormat for your ex, there is no problem.

I agree. If people able behave and communicate in a civilized manner there will not be any problem 

[KenC]

And for what purpose? I mean, a meeting could happen accidentally. But to feel a need to set one up? There is an old expression that I believe in: "Don't jump in front of bullets!" 

Steve,
You misinterpret what I said.  I am not promoting a meeting and have successfully avoided it for 9 years.  But the realities of life is bound to throw us together again.  Think about weddings and funerals as an example.  Of course us living in CA and my ex living in MI certainly cuts down on the possibilities.
KenC

[Kuna]

Your FSUW won't only prefer you not to have regular contact with your ex-wife,  she'll also be much more comfortable is all evidence of the ex is out of your life.

It's more difficult with children, but I think the vast majority of FSUW would struggle with your past loves being a part of your new life.

Before my wife arrived I (obviously) had been through all of my stuff and thrown away photos etc but still when my wife arrived she somehow stumbled across others (of gf's etc).  There was no big issue, but we went through the photo album and threw out ANY that caused her the slightest bit of angst.

Months later I came home from work and during the evening my wife casually mentioned she'd found more photos and had dealt with them.  The conversation kinda went like this:

"I found more photos of girlfriends today and I knew you wouldn't want them anymore.  I threw them out".

"Ok honey, the hoblutsi is wonderful...  would you like more juice?"

No problem! 
 

[KenC]

On the other hand I do know a guy that spends Christmas at his ex' house with his new Russian wife.  He says it is all good.  So who knows? :noidea:
KenC

[OlgaH]

Months later I came home from work and during the evening my wife casually mentioned she'd found more photos and had dealt with them. 
 

Did she make her own investigation while you were not home? 

[Blues Fairy]

I would never even think of "dealing" with any mementos of my husband's past in this rude and uncivilized manner.  And, naturally, I expect the same treatment from him.  Our past relationships were among the things that made us what we are now, and what we love each other for.  Those people could not have been in our lives if they had not been high-value, intellectually close and interesting individuals in the first place - and one must not wastefully discard any close-minded people, be they friends or exes.  My man and I are both adult and secure enough to understand and accept that.

[steviej]

Steve,
You misinterpret what I said.  I am not promoting a meeting and have successfully avoided it for 9 years.  But the realities of life is bound to throw us together again.  Think about weddings and funerals as an example.  Of course us living in CA and my ex living in MI certainly cuts down on the possibilities.
KenC

Right - my bad. Good point about funerals and weddings. My two boys are at university, but weddings could come at any time I suppose. I wonder how that would go? I'm not even sure my Ulyana would want to go. I mean, she would love to go to a wedding (she loves weddings!), but maybe that feeling of intimacy between the child and his parents would be uncomfortable for me, and maybe me. I don't know. Ken, what do you think you and Lena would do in the case of one of your children getting married?

[steviej]

Steviej,

Honestly I would like to see your list 

Olga, first I thougth, "OK, I'll try to make a list." Then I thought, "Oh come on, Olga can create 100 lists and 1000 references for any tepid item I could come up with .." So I bagged it!  LOL

[KenC]

Right - my bad. Good point about funerals and weddings. My two boys are at university, but weddings could come at any time I suppose. I wonder how that would go? I'm not even sure my Ulyana would want to go. I mean, she would love to go to a wedding (she loves weddings!), but maybe that feeling of intimacy between the child and his parents would be uncomfortable for me, and maybe me. I don't know. Ken, what do you think you and Lena would do in the case of one of your children getting married?

Steve,
Lena would be right at my side where she should be!

My family dynamics are that my daughter is a year older than Lena and my son is about a year younger than her.  My daughter and Lena hit it off from the get go.  My daughter loved to shock people and proudly would introduce Lena as her step mom.

My son had a more difficult time accepting our marriage.  In fact I had a conversation with my son the other night and it took a turn to how well Lena takes care fo me and how much she loves me.  His comment was, "I know that now, even if it took me 8 years to wrap my mind around it."
KenC

[Zmejka]

I would never even think of "dealing" with any mementos of my husband's past in this rude and uncivilized manner.  And, naturally, I expect the same treatment from him.  Our past relationships were among the things that made us what we are now, and what we love each other for.  Those people could not have been in our lives if they had not been high-value, intellectually close and interesting individuals in the first place - and one must not wastefully discard any close-minded people, be they friends or exes.  My man and I are both adult and secure enough to understand and accept that.

I agree. It's fine if both has no value for the past and can easily throw away photos and video's as soon as the relationships end. But if one party thinks this way and for another it's memories and part of life they can step into troubles.

[steviej]

Steve,
Lena would be right at my side where she should be!

My family dynamics are that my daughter is a year older than Lena and my son is about a year younger than her.  My daughter and Lena hit it off from the get go.  My daughter loved to shock people and proudly would introduce Lena as her step mom.

My son had a more difficult time accepting our marriage.  In fact I had a conversation with my son the other night and it took a turn to how well Lena takes care fo me and how much she loves me.  His comment was, "I know that now, even if it took me 8 years to wrap my mind around it."
KenC

Ken, that's very interesting to hear. I don't have any daughters, but I have two sons. They are young gentleman and always friendly, polite and careful with Ulyana, but there is definitely resistance to accepting the whole thing, even after 5 years of marriage. It's great that your daughter likes Lena and gets along well. It looks like it takes more time for boys to adjust. My boys are very loyal to their mother, who was and is just an outstanding mother. Also, I think for boys, if Dads new wife is a young woman, there could be some subconscious currents shifting around that take longer to settle. I asked myself, how would I feel if my father's new wife was a "babe"? There maybe conflicts about being scared of feeling any attraction to your father's wife, which would make them keep their distance. I think with my boys, its a slow process. But I must emphasize, there is no animosity. They are wonderful guys, alwasy polite, friendly and caring with Ulynana, and never make any negative remarks.

[Kuna]

Did she make her own investigation while you were not home? 

hahahaha... i wouldn't call it an investigation.  There was a photo album in a bookcase I hadn't been through.

I would never even think of "dealing" with any mementos of my husband's past in this rude and uncivilized manner.  And, naturally, I expect the same treatment from him. 

You're really a piece of work...  I'd regard abortion as uncivilized...  You regard throwing away photos as uncivilised.

I'd regard it to be rude to call another members wife "rude and uncivilized" - Ultimately you're rude, AND uncivilized!

I agree. It's fine if both has no value for the past and can easily throw away photos and video's as soon as the relationships end. But if one party thinks this way and for another it's memories and part of life they can step into troubles.

Zemjka,  I certainly hold no value in those things from the past, and my wife knew that, that's why she threw them away.  There are other things like old sporting equipment, rep team track suits, etc that she ALSO doesn't like cluttering up the cupboards but she wouldn't dream of throwing that away because she knows I value them.