Where are the normal girls?

[aikorob]

WHERE THE F@%K ARE THE NORMAL WIVES????

My wife has been here for over a year now; and since she is still not driving well, she spends most of her time on the internet during the day. Each day when I come home home she has plenty of tales from other forums to discuss--

Husbands who steal or burn all of a woman's clothes---the clothes she wore in Russia are for prostitutes
Girls who are absolutly forbidden to speak Russian
Girls who are not allowed to call their family
Husbands who take all of her papers and money
Beatings and other abuse seem to be rampant also
Husbands who are total control freaks---many girls say they have to sneak around to talk to friends or get on internet

Nata says she knows there are normal girls here, she just hasn't found any yet. She also says she is starting to get very depressed from interacting with these idiots; but she doesn't have any better alternatives if she wants to deal with someone from her culture.

HELP!!!!!       ANY SUGGESTIONS?????      Most of you other married guys here seem (reasonably) normal----what forums do your wives go to?


 

[Misha]

My wife does not really visit any of the forums for Russian Women living abroad. It is not her thing and I guess does not have a need for them. She prefers sites such as odnoklassniki and the like where she chats with friends from Russia and Canada.

[aikorob]

Misha,
this one she knows, but she says her class pretty well scattered after school----so it is not very high on her list.
Any more sites or forums that anyone can suggest would be welcome.
I have tried to get her to come here-----she looked in several times, but we are toooooooo serious.

[Muckraker]

My wife goes to this one alot.  I think she has personally met a couple of normal Russian women from there (and that is not an easy thing to do at all, agree totally).  I think they talk about raising babies there too, not just about cooking.  

http://www.cook-talk.com

Muck

[apple47]

    My wife doesn't spend a lot of time online but when she does she goes here mostly. 


http://www.russianamerica.com/forum.php


                                                              ...Larry

[aikorob]

Thanks Muck & Apple----but after sitting in the house for a year, she knows those as well.
Any suggestions how she can meet normal girls in real time? She investigated the   "meet-up"  site, but here in ATL it was full of Americans wanting to learn Russian.

She did meet  2 ladies out and about-----both of them came up to her and started chatting---but ran when they learned that I was in the building---they said they must not let THEIR husbands catch them talking to another UW, and was worried I would have the same angry reaction thier husbands would have.

[Blues Fairy]

And why is she sitting in the house for a year?..

[Jooky]

The thread is called "Where are all the normal girls?" but the first post should be titled "Where are all the normal husbands?"!

You didn't post anything wrong about the girls themselves, aside from them putting up with or being stuck with controlling and abusive husbands. This paints the same picture that the IMBRA supporters are trying to portray. It's sad really. Are so many of the men involved in marrying Russian women freaks?

Suggestions:

Can she interact more with friends and family back home?

Maybe some women who post here or wives of men that post here want to chat with or meet your wife? Are there other posters here that live near you?

Maybe she just needs a hobby, job, a puppy or something else to occupy her time? She could always play video games.

[aikorob]

BF---time spent learning to drive--she is still not very comfortable behind the wheel--despite having good skills; she is just not comfortable driving alone.....but that is getting better. Resumes and college applications have been mailed, so actually this problem may begin to sort itself out.

Jooky--yes, you are right....but I am continuously amazed that any of these cretins got through the visa process. It may be irrelevant, but Nata says that the more dysfunctional the family; the smaller the village the woman is from.

She calls home nearly everyday, and emails as well. I was hoping some of the OMBs could ask their wives. Seriously, I think she needs some positive re-enforcement intead of all the pettiness and foolishness of the forums she goes to.
I have also pointed out the fact that the women available to chat during the day usually DO NOT have anything productive to do.

[I/O]

aikorob: A little shared maybe useful. Mrs I/O was never a forum freak as such but has always had an interest in a few of them. I noticed discussions (Or comments about discussions) leaning more and more to the negatives. Mrs I/O is a very positive person but something of a worry wart. She takes things far removed very much to heart, such as a child who has been mistreated in a remote hospital in some unknown country. I noticed the resulting decline in intellectual stimulus. Not healthy for an educated person.

More recently, she has taken on a second English course in another school (She attends two now) and is working part time (2 days, sometimes 4 part days) per week. She is so damn busy that anytime she comes across some of this "Pity poor me" stuff, she is fairly terse with her advice............get yourself a job, go walking, do something useful is about the extent of her sympathy now.

I notice now, she still dabbles with forums a little, but the focus has shifted. She seeks out forums of subject interest rather than Russian interest. She is involved in two cooking forums (I have no complaints) and two art type forums. By default she has met Russian people on those and at least one, maybe two are Russian language forums, but the point is they are not designed to discuss their Russianess. That comes as a by product so to say. I suggest you steer her towards subject rather than nationality type forums. There is literally thousands of forums out there.

I also suggest some kind of work, even something simple part time and or a fitness program of some sort. Russian women seem to love to have some of their own money and they love to keep their pretty arses in good shape so both of the above fit the bill.

I/O

[steviej]

aikorob , seriouly, I'd get her off the internet. The internet has been shown to be addictive and unhealthy, especially to the local relations that one has in "real." Russian women are impressionable. The internet forums, particularly like the ones you describe, can concentrate all the negative which is scattered around in small quantities and make it seem like its a big central part of everything, when its not. These perceptions can seriously worry and upset a RW.

You need to meet real people locally. Go to the Russian Orthodox church in your area with her. Sign her up for a beginners drawing or painting class with your local town recreation department or school. Get her a part time job in a book store. Do not let her sit around on the internet all day. That's just poison, plus it draws her back into the past, instead of pulling her forward into her future here.

Good luck. Keep us posted. Get off the internet.

[kievstar]

Looked up on the map where your from (two Greenville's in Georgia) and looks like your not close to a big city.  What city did your wife come from? she is probably bored.  If she can not drive and small city, your going to need to find her friends or something to do outside the house.  I am sure there are a lot of Russian women in or near your town she can talk with.  One way to find the Russian community is to look for someone to teach you Russian.  Through this person after taking one private lesson you will find a big network of Russians.    You need to take the lead on finding her friends.

[Doll]

Nata says she knows there are normal girls here, she just hasn't found any yet. She also says she is starting to get very depressed from interacting with these idiots;

She is not sincere when she talks of "normal" or "idiots".She does not think so.

[Doll]

Each day when I come home home she has plenty of tales from other forums to discuss--

Husbands who steal or burn all of a woman's clothes---the clothes she wore in Russia are for prostitutes
Girls who are absolutly forbidden to speak Russian
Girls who are not allowed to call their family
Husbands who take all of her papers and money
Beatings and other abuse seem to be rampant also
Husbands who are total control freaks---many girls say they have to sneak around to talk to friends or get on internet

I've been on RW forums for many years and have to tell you that women discuss many things like all women. The "news" you wife tells you about is what she wants to tell you about and it is 1/10 of what is on these forums. We call it selective reading or selective retelling.They are not ubnormal or idiots otherwise she wouldn't have been there reading.
I can give you the link if you want. I am pretty sure she is on this one.

[Shadow]

It is always more intersting to tell about the soap opera's then about the normal ones.

[Doll]

It is always more intersting to tell about the soap opera's then about the normal ones.

Yeah and this is what she does.
   Right now there are active threads on RW forum: immigration stuff, job search, some politics ( Russia-Georgia),kids, cooking,driving, home improvement ,dating (for singles), etc.

[GreginGa]

aikorob , seriouly, I'd get her off the internet. The internet has been shown to be addictive and unhealthy, especially to the local relations that one has in "real." Russian women are impressionable. The internet forums, particularly like the ones you describe, can concentrate all the negative which is scattered around in small quantities and make it seem like its a big central part of everything, when its not. These perceptions can seriously worry and upset a RW.

You need to meet real people locally. Go to the Russian Orthodox church in your area with her. Sign her up for a beginners drawing or painting class with your local town recreation department or school. Get her a part time job in a book store. Do not let her sit around on the internet all day. That's just poison, plus it draws her back into the past, instead of pulling her forward into her future here.

Good luck. Keep us posted. Get off the internet.

This is very solid advice StevieJ is giving you here. I know there is a Russian Orthodox church in Sandy Springs. Sitting around the house all day is not good in my opinion. My wife had her own business within a couple of months after she arrived,but we were kinda lucky. My wife has a couple of  RW/UW women that she has made friends with since she arrived. I would be very careful with those internet forums.

[Doll]

Guys is it ok- to get somebody off or on internet or contacting?
It is up to a person.

[Misha]

She did meet  2 ladies out and about-----both of them came up to her and started chatting---but ran when they learned that I was in the building---they said they must not let THEIR husbands catch them talking to another UW, and was worried I would have the same angry reaction thier husbands would have.

Jooky is right, the question should be where are the normal husbands. Are most husbands so insecure and controlling?

[Jack]

aikorob, it sounds to men like you have described a bunch of  paranoid, insecure men. Sounds like they are afraid if their wife's get out, develops Russian girlfriends, they will loose their wife. What a pitiful feeling inside these men must live with.  They probably found something in the FSU that they could never have found at home, well, I think this is probably the case 90% of the time, somewhat expected, certainly was for me and many men I know. But what is not expected are the paranoid actions you have described.

I can say I don't think I have personally met any such type man you have described although I have heard of them. Usually these reports were somewhat isolated case's, certainly not the norm.

While married my Russian wife had no interest in any internet forums. To my knowledge I don't know any of her friends who did nor any from the large Russian/Ukraine community we have in North Texas. In my opinion most the Russian wife's I have known have had life's, things to do and sitting at home, reading, writing on internet forums was not one of them.

[groovlstk]

Slightly off topic, but although I'm sure there are a lot of miserly control freaks who specifically look to marry an FSU woman because they know they can exert a higher level of control over her than a local women, after meeting a good many couples here in the US I'm beginning to take such complaints with a tiny bit of salt.

One of the problems when a woman marries a guy for convenience (or worse) rather than love is that all his little quirks quickly go from endearing and cute to extremely annoying. My wife has a few acquaintances (she'd never consider them friends) who are unhappily married to American guys and look for every opportunity to spend time away from their husbands. Their catalog of miseries include so many silly torments (he leaves the cap off the toothpaste!) that are spoken of in the same breath as genuine complaints (he won't let me look for a professional job and instead insists I remain working as a waitress!) that it's hard to tell what's real and what stems from frustration over a loveless marriage.

These women are also message board hounds, using the internet as an escape and commiserating with other women who are in the same situation. It's a subculture that you can't look away from, but like watching a car accident nothing good comes from observing it.

[KenC]

aikorob,
Your wife is not going to make any real friends while staring at a computer monitor.  She needs more interaction with the real world. In the over 9 years that my wife has been in this country, she has made a handful (maybe 10) of friends/acquaintances from the fsu.  All of these are, of course, at a different level of friendship.  There is maybe only one girl that she would consider a "good" friend at this point in her life.

My wife has always had a reluctance to approach other Russans and pick up a conversation.  I cannot explain this, as I am the opposite.  While in Russia, I was quick to pick up a conversation with any fellow American.  Believe me, there are Russians everywhere in America.  But meeting them and becoming friends is two different things.  In the long run it takes things in common in order to forge a friendship and it is most difficult to find the people that match up with your wives background.  For example, my wife met a happy go lucky Ukrainian girl when we first moved to CA.  Even though they enjoyed each others company, the girl's moral character and village background doomed any long term friendship.  The "friend" simply put Lena into too many compromising positions too often.
KenC

[Misha]

I agree with Ken. Too often, Russians latch onto the first Russian they meet and expect that they must become friends. This would be comparable to a woman walking out into the streets of Russia and becoming friends with the first person they will meet at random. There is no guarantee that they will be compatible in terms of interest, outlook, goals, etc.... My wife has met well over two dozen Russian-speaking women and she only has two that she would consider as a close friend. The others, she may chat with if she meets them, but she is not interested in more than that.

[GreginGa]

I believe my wife could absolutely care less about meeting other RW/UW.There have been several instances where she had the opportunity to forge a friendship but didnt want to for different reasons. There are a couple of girls that calls the house from time to time. One who we attended their wedding in West Palm and one in a nearby town are about it.I met both their husbands on this site several years ago. She enjoys talking to them but she will not call them. I basically dial their number and hand her the phone. They'll talk for an hour or so and that will be that. For the love of all things holy I cannot understand it. Like Ken if I hear Russian or what i think might be I'm asking questions,telling stories the whole nine yards. My wife wouldnt approach a stranger speaking Russian if her life depended on it. I dont understand it but thats ok. One of my best friends has a wife from Estonia. I made my first USSR trip with him in 01. His wife and my wife used to be friends. now they seldom talk and I dont understand it and he doesnt either. Now when the get together,it's a different story. Both are good girls with different backgrounds so there it is I guess.

[Goombah]

My wife spend a fair amount of time on the net, mostly on the Russian classmates site, and on some international (heavily Russian) new mothers and mothers-to-be forum.  Those sites are VERY supportive and positive.

The only downside over the past two years is that she continues to "think" in Russian in order to post in Russian on the forums.  Thus her English skills are growing slower than if she posted in English.  Relative to her now 13 year old daughter, who became fluent in English in something like 6 months after arriving, she feels "slow" and it frustrates her.

Kevin