Where are the normal girls?

[BillyB]

aikorob, it sounds to men like you have described a bunch of  paranoid, insecure men. Sounds like they are afraid if their wife's get out, develops Russian girlfriends, they will loose their wife. What a pitiful feeling inside these men must live with.  They probably found something in the FSU that they could never have found at home, well, I think this is probably the case 90% of the time, somewhat expected, certainly was for me and many men I know. But what is not expected are the paranoid actions you have described.

How do we know these men are as their wives have mentioned? Aikorob's wife thinks many of those women posting are idiots. Maybe they're just a bunch of women who are needing each other's sympathy? If Aikorob's wife says she's depressed by what she read and Aikorob tells her to limit her time on the internet, he might think he's doing something good for her mental health but in the minds of those RW at the forum, they'd label him a control freak.

RW tells forum that husband forbids her from speaking Russian but doesn't tell them she hasn't improved on her English for a year and possibly didn't even try to improve. Now her husband is the bad guy. Who knows?

Beatings, abuses, control among other things and most importantly, advice to get the green card and tips to dump the husband talked about at the forum. Maybe some complaints valid and some not. What's certain is these women have plenty of time to spend on the internet so control issues may not be as bad as it sounds.

If you ever read anti scam forums/sites for a length of time, you will get depressed too.

[KenC]

How do we know these men are as their wives have mentioned? Aikorob's wife thinks many of those women posting are idiots. Maybe they're just a bunch of women who are needing each other's sympathy? If Aikorob's wife says she's depressed by what she read and Aikorob tells her to limit her time on the internet, he might think he's doing something good for her mental health but in the minds of those RW at the forum, they'd label him a control freak.

RW tells forum that husband forbids her from speaking Russian but doesn't tell them she hasn't improved on her English for a year and possibly didn't even try to improve. Now her husband is the bad guy. Who knows?

Beatings, abuses, control among other things and most importantly, advice to get the green card and tips to dump the husband talked about at the forum. Maybe some complaints valid and some not. What's certain is these women have plenty of time to spend on the internet so control issues may not be as bad as it sounds.

If you ever read anti scam forums/sites for a length of time, you will get depressed too.

Billy,
Is there not a certain amount of doubt regarding credibility on any forum?  We have had numerous occasions here on RWD where the readership was misled by fabrications, untruths and even a contrived conspiracy to deceive.  And I think RWD is a pretty honest forum!  There is the truth, the verified truth and then there is the Internet.
KenC

[MaxxumUSA]

WHERE THE F@%K ARE THE NORMAL WIVES????

My wife has been here for over a year now; and since she is still not driving well, she spends most of her time on the internet during the day. Each day when I come home home she has plenty of tales from other forums to discuss--

Husbands who steal or burn all of a woman's clothes---the clothes she wore in Russia are for prostitutes
Girls who are absolutly forbidden to speak Russian
Girls who are not allowed to call their family
Husbands who take all of her papers and money
Beatings and other abuse seem to be rampant also
Husbands who are total control freaks---many girls say they have to sneak around to talk to friends or get on internet

Nata says she knows there are normal girls here, she just hasn't found any yet. She also says she is starting to get very depressed from interacting with these idiots; but she doesn't have any better alternatives if she wants to deal with someone from her culture.

HELP!!!!!       ANY SUGGESTIONS?????      Most of you other married guys here seem (reasonably) normal----what forums do your wives go to?


 

Suggestions?  Sure I have one:  Simply tell her "Baby, see how lucky you are to have me!"  LMAO

But seriously...  spending all day on the forums is probably not the best way to spend every day.  My wife visits her forum regularly but does not post all that much.  She tells me about some of the dingbats that post on the site.  For the most part the site is pretty supportive and friendly from what I gather.

As for my wife hanging out with russian women - well she definitely does.  There are a few she hangs out with more than others but she talks to many on telephone often.

I do want to comment on the voices talking about these controlling men and deadbeats that bring their wife to the country and try to control them.  This is simply not a healthy relationship.  I encourage my wife to do whatever she wants - not only encourage but also help her financially and with moral support.  She spent her first few months here in English classes then went on to cosmetology school.  She'll be done in a few months and at that time I will certainly not stop her from working and succeeding in her job.  Having said all that I certainly believe there are many men that do treat their woman horrible.

- maxxum

[Maxx2]

I was in immigration attorney's office in Sheepshead bay NY near Brighton Beach in February of last year. The attorney was a RW. I was was with two other RW doing an interview about this whole abuse situation. The attorney said she knew a RW MOB who was held captive in a Long Island mansion. The Russian woman I was with, Natasha Spivak asked her how it was possible to keep a Russian woman captive in a mansion. The RW attorney cracked a smile and bowed her head and then gave some attorney BS about how sad it all was. Of course she filled an abuse petition for the RW slave. Anyway these stories are as one RW told me all sound like a "cookie cutter" in that that they are seem alike and she didn't believe them. 

Maxx
   

[Muj]

Rob,
Some people are homebodies and prefer the comforts of home.  Also maybe she adjust slowly and requires more time to acclimate.  Is she comfortable with the car she is learning to drive?
I agree, many forums are people with problems looking to complain or maybe even solutions.

[ScottinCrimea]

No offense, but if someone has a happy, busy life they won't feel the need to find a life on the internet.  I have mentioned similar forums to my wife but she has absolutely no interest in them.  She has a couple of RW friends here as well as several she has met that she has no desire to be acquainted with.  She has no sympathy for the sob stories that she hears from some. She definitely won't approach anyone on the street just because she hears them speaking Russian.

I remember I had a need to find other English speakers when I first moved to Ukraine but found that most tended to be rather strange (or perhaps it was me?) and found little in common with them.  This need faded rather quickly and I associated with those RM with whom I actually had something in common. I still liked to have news in English and met that need through the internet and my reading needs through the local Windows to America library, but other than this forum I didn't spend any time with internet forums.  I found this true of all Americans I knew who lived there.  I'm surprised that your sife is still spending so much time on Russian forums after one year.  It suggests her adjustment is not quite to the level it should be.  As others have commented, you need to find more to absorb her time and interest.  The internet can be addicting and if this is the case for her you will have some real problems weaning her off unless you provide alternate activities that keep her off the computer.

[Misha]

I'm surprised that your sife is still spending so much time on Russian forums after one year. 

True. It is important to keep in mind that culture shock can last a long while, but after a year it should be (hopefully) subsiding. Forums may have been a coping strategy to deal with culture shock.

[steviej]

As GreginGa and KenC said, my wife also has almost no interest in meeting other Russians. If we are out somewhere and we hear someone speaking Russian, she usually wants to turn and go the other way. We are casual friends with two AM/RW couples locally, and we have a reasonably good time when we're out (not often), but my wife never calls the ladies on her own or seeks them out. In fact, we wouldn't even see them except that I genuinely like one of the guys, and his wife is better friends with the other lady.

Whether your woman is Russian or not, I don't think its good for a woman, and eventually for her marriage, for her to be home playing on the internet. As many have stated, the OP needs to get his wife tied in with some local activities, not virtual activities. My wife is actually kind of a homebody, but she spends her alone time painting and drawing, sewing, and reading. She does't use the internet at all, hardly. And she spend time on domestic housekeeping.

[Jumper]

In our case-
My wife  doesnt go to forums,,
generally she is just too busy for such..
 if she did,
 they would be on some particular interest or hobby of hers..
it wouldnt cross her mind to look for a RW forum of any kind ..


i think a good percentage of typical RW , may be similar and why your wife cant seem to find them thru an internet forum.

im not saying normal RW never visit the net ,or forums,
obviously we have wonderful RW members here..
i just think maybe it is a  rather small percentage that have any interest in such forums

just like many happily married men, never look or search ot forums or other mebn marrioed to ibnternational partners..

its only an interesting "hobby",or even passing interest  to a few..??

just my take...

[aikorob]

OK guys,
   Thanks for all of the input. The basic fact is that Nata KNOWS that the vast majority of these forums are "foo" as she puts it. She also knows that everything is to be taken with a grain (or tons) of salt. However, until she really feels comfortable driving by herself---this problems will persist---because she is either playing video games or online during the day.

   I have tried to get her interested in taking up her hobbies she had in Odessa, but she is not very interested in that. She is very aware of the fact that she will HAVE to drive herself to school and work; and lately I have been forcing her to drive whenever we visit stores.

   On a side note---for any guys still going through the visa process-----I would recommend that you INSIST she begins driving lessons over there. I tried to tell her that , and offered to pay for lessons, and her Father tried to tell her the same; but she was not convinced it was that important. Nata did meet one lady who came from near Odessa---she took lessons in Ukraine, and when she arrived here, her husband STARTED her off on the interstate.

[steviej]

OK guys,
 ...  Thanks for all of the input. The basic fact is that Nata KNOWS that the vast majority of these forums are "foo" as she puts it. She also knows that everything is to be taken with a grain (or tons) of salt. However, until she really feels comfortable driving by herself---this problems will persist---because she is either playing video games or online during the day.
...

Why don't you disconnect your internet and see what happens? If she just migrates to 6 hrs in front of the TV, disconnect your cable and DVD player. Internet and video centric things do become compulsive, especially in situations like the adjustment your wife is trying to go through. They studied families that are watching in excess of 40hrs/week of TV. They disconnect the TV, and for two weeks, they exhibit withdrawal symptoms ... irritability, nervousness, depression, sometimes even headache. Then after two weeks, they begin to calm down, and start engaging in other local pursuits, reading, writing, drawing, going to local town activities, etc. After 6 weeks, these families are amazed that there is a very engaging life outside of the internet/video world, and they say they are glad they "escaped". But they were not aware of it before.

[KenC]

Geez Steve,
Talk about controling behavior!?  Disconnect the Net and if that doesn't work disconnect the cable?  WOW.  He didn't adopt a child, he married a woman that is suppose to be his equal.  What next, "quiet time" in her room?
KenC

[steviej]

Geez Steve,
Talk about controling behavior!?  Disconnect the Net and if that doesn't work disconnect the cable?  WOW.  He didn't adopt a child, he married a woman that is suppose to be his equal.  What next, "quiet time" in her room?
KenC

He says this has been going on for a year. He needs to do something. He's the man of the family and needs to lead her to a solution. He's being too passive it seems. But being simply controlling won't help by itself. They need to find some way, together, to turn the thing off. But she'd obviously have to be part of it, and buy in to it. The man has to be the leader, but not the dictator.  Right now it sounds like they're stuck in a cycle where he says, "Honey, please don't spend all day on the internet." And she says, "I have to, I can't drive!" Someone has to break the cycle. I think, if its stuck, it's the man's responsibility.

[Doll]

Geez Steve,
Talk about controling behavior!?  Disconnect the Net and if that doesn't work disconnect the cable?  WOW.  He didn't adopt a child, he married a woman that is suppose to be his equal.  What next, "quiet time" in her room?
KenC

I've just checked Steve's profile-more than 700 postings since June 2008. Why don't you disconnect your Internet? Seems you're on line forever  Or you think this forum is more valuable than any other?
Agree with KenC.

[steviej]

I've just checked Steve's profile-more than 700 postings since June 2008. Why don't you disconnect your Internet? Seems you're on line forever  Or you think this forum is more valuable than any other?
Agree with KenC.

KenC, Doll, thanks for the advice. Somehow I managed to live without this forum for the first 5 years of my marriage, so I think I'll just continue where I left off. Adios! Hope you all continue to enjoy the pleasure you seem to take in insulting each other here.

[KenC]

Ken, Doll, thanks for the advice. Somehow I managed to live without this forum for the first 5 years of my marriage, so I think I'll just continue where I left off. Adios! Hope you all continue to enjoy the pleasure you seem to take in insulting each other here.

What?  Please show me where I insulted you!  We all get the chance to agree or disagree with advice offered here.

He says this has been going on for a year. He needs to do something. He's the man of the family and needs to lead her to a solution. He's being too passive it seems. But being simply controlling won't help by itself. They need to find some way, together, to turn the thing off. But she'd obviously have to be part of it, and buy in to it. The man has to be the leader, but not the dictator.  Right now it sounds like they're stuck in a cycle where he says, "Honey, please don't spend all day on the internet." And she says, "I have to, I can't drive!" Someone has to break the cycle. I think, if its stuck, it's the man's responsibility.

There has to be more constructive ways to accomplish this without treating the wife like you would a child.  What you suggest seems over bearing and controlling to me.  I would never marry or stay married to a woman that would respond positively to such behavior from her man.

Further more, if the first ever criticism of your opinion (from me) makes you leave this forum, you are not half the man I thought you were.  Good luck and goodbye.
Ken

[Doll]

There has to be more constructive ways to accomplish this without treating the wife like you would a child.  What you suggest seems over bearing and controlling to me.  I would never marry or stay married to a woman that would respond positively to such behavior from her man.

It IS controlling! As for me I would never stay married to a man who thinks he needs to lead me this way- to connect or disconnect Internet or TV, to tell me who is normal out of my friends, etc.
 Steve you sure may go but my remark about your being on this forum is fair- more than 700 posting since June and this is about the man who wants his wife off the computer

 

[Muj]

Rob,

Maybe there is a way to create a competing interest to the internet as purchasing some extotic care intensive plants for the garden/lawn.  Redecorating the kitchen or living room per her tastes.  She can use the internet to find bargains but still must contact and visit the retailers on her own.

[aikorob]

She began the spring with high hopes for a garden, but another year of record drought down here messed that up.

[Shadow]

She began the spring with high hopes for a garden, but another year of record drought down here messed that up.

Easily solved by the Dutch approach. Get some greenhouses, install sprinklers all over the garden, and there will be something green all year around.
Of course paying the water bill will not be pleasant, but the garden will look nice...

[aikorob]

Steviej--
Nata wanted me to ask----is this the method you used on your wife? What is the next step---turn off phone; then electricity?

[KenC]

Steviej--
Nata wanted me to ask----is this the method you used on your wife? What is the next step---turn off phone; then electricity?

aikorob,
Even though I also disagree with the advice Stevej gave to you, do you think it is necessary for you to mock him?  He was only trying to help you with your problem.  I believe his intentions were sincere.

I think you do need to break her bad habit of living her life "on line" and get her out into the real world.  This weekend would have been a great time to grab her to go practice her driving whenever she fired up the computer.  And it may take some intervention from you to help her break the habit, just not necessarily the way Steve explained things.  Your wife desperately needs to be mobile and mobile with confidence.  It may take more of your time to help her than you are willing to give, but that seems to be the root of the problem IMO.
KenC

[BC]

Just skimmed this thread so apologize if my post is redundant.

During the first couple years, my wife was reluctant to meet and interact with other FSU folks or the locals.

Seems like she needed to become comfortable herself first before reaching out to others.  Once she did get her 'feet on the ground' that rapidly changed.

Regarding Stevie's remarks about turning off the internet, he is probably not far off the mark.. I regret that I mentioned we could get about 20 FSU TV channels..  It did hinder learning the local language.  Crutches should be avoided.. and I am not the 'control' type at all.  I don't think he is either.

[KenC]

Just skimmed this thread so apologize if my post is redundant.

During the first couple years, my wife was reluctant to meet and interact with other FSU folks or the locals.

Seems like she needed to become comfortable herself first before reaching out to others.  Once she did get her 'feet on the ground' that rapidly changed.

Regarding Stevie's remarks about turning off the internet, he is probably not far off the mark.. I regret that I mentioned we could get about 20 FSU TV channels..  It did hinder learning the local language.  Crutches should be avoided.. and I am not the 'control' type at all.  I don't think he is either.

BC,
We did not get Russian TV until long after Lena was well aclamated.  I agree that an alternate to the Net is needed.  Lena's Internet usage went way up during this summer with her being off scholl and me very busy with work.  But as soon as classes started up, she hit the books instead of Ebay!
KenC

[Gator]

My wife Sabina is reserved if not shy, yet a social animal.  She needs outlets to interact with others.  And in her four short months she has not lacked for friends.

Almost all of her friends are RW, and I see nothing wrong with it.  She is selective, and the RW friends she has made are all wonderful women.  The husbands are interesting too. 

Sabina is on the phone a lot with her RW friends if not meeting them for tea/shopping/and dyvev parties (twice per month a group of 150 RW in the Tampa area takeover a restaurant/club - usually at least 33% show and it is like a trip to Russia). 

The RW arrived here by different paths.  Green card lottery, work visa, university visa as well as K1/K3.  As others above have mentioned, Sabina is selective and tends to ignore Russian voices when we are in public.

Some of this concentration with RW has to do with our age difference and the fact that almost all of my friends' wives do not have much in common with Sabina and also may resent her to some degree.  She is friends with only two of my AW friends - one who happens to be her age and another between the two of us.  The PTA meetings have yet to generate much friendship because women her age have younger children.

Enabling this is the fact that there are many RW in the Tampa area.  I introduced her to three RW whom I or my friends knew, and Sabina met the others through the Internet.  Sabina spent a lot of time on the Internet RW forums when she first arrived.  She was seeking advice mostly.  Now that school has started, her attention is directed to helping her two Russian kids adjust to a new language and a new system of teaching.  Thus, the Internet is minimal and reserved only for her friends living in Russia, mainly Skype and photo sharing.