Now I'm a newbie - living with her "kid "!

[msmoby_ru]

Veta and I have been maried over a year now and we lived together for three months in Cprus before that, but nothing compares one for the shock of suddenly having a teenage "boy" in the house !!

Her son, having finished school in Russia came to Cyprus and then ( once his UK residency was sorted) to the UK - where we have been for three days...

It is VERY strange as I keep finding myself WANTING to seem "cool" ... I like music and he was pleased I had "cool" music in my collection - as he helped us pack up our stuff from the Cyprus home to move to the UK - where he will study.

Suddenly, I have two people in my house who talk in Russian and they are helping each other to perfect their English.. I'm getting teenage girls adding me as a "friend" in Odnoklassiki as they follow his exploits and they seem to think the part of England we chose to live in is "cool" ( why the hell do they want to use that word  - it seems so "uncool" to me ! )

For the first few days I was careful about showing open affection to his Mum and how I dressed, but now we seem to have got over our inhibitions and aren't so sel-conscious.

We tried to open UK bank accounts   - I didn't maintain one in the UK for over six years and it took two days to find a bank that would open one - they wanted utility bills - but as it is a new house and we are the first occupiers - no assigned post (zip) code and not on the electoral register- we might as well be aliens...  "No utility bills - no bank account ... "    was the mantra ... like I can open a utility account without a bank account.... hmmm .. how to break the circle..?   We found a Philipino Branch manager who had the same problem 12 years ago - when she came to the UK and she called her head office - and I spoke to a fellow Irishman... FOUR hours later we had the bank account ... now we could order phones/ internet - we were "normal"...

I have deliberately chosen a town that is "interesting" .. a lot of the UK royal Faily have pads within 5 miles and my brother thinks the majority of the inhabitants might "knit their own yoghurt" .. it is VERY Bohemian... not at all me, and my wife - although she helped choose the place - and her boy are "gob-smacked" at how weird some of the folk are...

The boy enroled to start an IT course, today and was shocked at how the students were swearing in ear-shot of the tutors 0 not something he would DARE do in Siberia... OMG.. is he in for a shock !


The local town council had one of - if not the first - Green govt official and this is reflected in a lot of people's attitudes to good food and recycling.  A lot of people in this town used a farmers market - where farmers sell direct to the public and Veta really likes to get fresh food daily - and this was another reason to chose to move here !

Now, Veta had discovered the boy is smoking - he is nearer 18 than 17 - kind of hard to "persuade him" and he is getting dpressed to find cigs cost approx TEN  times more than in Russia ...  Hr is hoping to get a part-time job, but we arrived in the UK, just in time to find unemployment on the rise and even the Polish are moving back home... so I don't know how he will fund his "drug" habit


Veta hasn't changed a bit and is SO happy to have "her boy" around...I keep passing the local Police stn and find myself wondering how long it will be until I find I'm bailing him out for doing Grafitti ... something he was rather fond of at home...  This town has an artist who has made millions from his Grafitti art, so may be he will be famous, soon

They are just upgrading the local skateboard part - which has been pronounced "cool" - and he can't wait to try it out...

Me.. I can't work out if I'm feeling younger or older...  am I "cool" ?!!!
 

[Shadow]

It will be interesting to see his developments. Regarding the swearing, lets hope he keeps the Russian values where people should 'answer for their words', although that might force you to make some trips to settle some fights. 
Don't worry about being 'cool'. It will pass. 

[KenC]

Mark,
Being a parent is difficult, but being a "step" parent is even more so.  Best of luck to you.  My advice to you is to make sure you and Veta stay on the same page in respect to who does what in the parenting area.  No matter how good the kid is, he will inevitably try to play one of you off the other.  Stand united to his face always.  If one of you disagrees with the other, discuss it in private and come out united in your decisions.  Prepare yourself for the day the boy tells you, "You are not my Father!"  As that too will eventually happen.  Best of luck to you all.
KenC

[Maxx2]

Suddenly, I have two people in my house who talk in Russian and they are helping each other to perfect their English.. I'm getting teenage girls adding me as a "friend" in Odnoklassiki as they follow his exploits and they seem to think the part of England we chose to live in is "cool" ( why the hell do they want to use that word  - it seems so "uncool" to me ! )

My guess in trying to understand you they have watched the Austin Powers series and have adopted the lingo...

It is fascinating time when they come. We see our world through their eyes by watching their reactions. The once mundane becomes vivid and interesting.

Congratulations Moby on their arrival. I wish you success and happiness.


Maxx

[I/O]

Mark: The logistics will sort themselves out. To some extent, all of you being "Fresh to this patch" is an advantage IMO. Years back I heard a line in a song and have held it close ever since. "Silence is my self defence". Whilst physically your solitude is gone forever, the principal can still be applied. Step parenting is an interesting challenge, particularly for a first time parent. The few areas I have succeeded so far have all been marked by my making my position clear, being consistent and largely silent.

Whilst I agree with KenC entirely regarding unity, there is yet another dimension to a cross cultural marriage which leaves you somewhat more isolated in the early stages than a domestic marriage. When you bring a lady to your country, unless she is quite experienced internationally, for a while, you cross over between husband, lover, father and general manager for her and whilst idealism suggests husband and lover should be one and the same, reality dictates this is not always the case. The result is you need to take perhaps even more of a leadership role than you might under other circumstances.

I suggest, where possible, adopt the position of the rock of solace for both your wife and son. Don't try to always engage their affections or emotions, let them come to you. Sometimes there is benefit in remaining slightly distant and give them room to spin. Eventually, if you are solid and consistent, your trustworthiness will demonstrate itself and they will spin in ever decreasing circles back to you.

Smoking, graffiti and other things of this nature are manifestations of other things. These are the areas you need to watch closely. Look for the underlying driver. You might not see that in the first five minutes. All the best, it is an interesting challenge.

I/O 

[msmoby_ru]

Thanks for all your comments - and esp KenC - considering our recent spats 

All good advice... Veta and I had discussed this at length and we thought we had every base covered ... She knows the area.. it's just the boy that's new.

His friends back in Siberia told him he should take the opportunity to be able to learn better English and have the right to travel freely - something they can't do.

I'm hoping  free tel calls to Russia and MUCH faster internet is an adequate substitute .. We are both IT literate and share common interests - it is just finding the right level - I've told him he can ask for advice and Veta and I came up with the idea to give him the incentive to save ( hoping he won't buy cigs) for an airline ticket to visit Russia - his Mum will double what he saves.

Ah, well.. early days

 

[ScottinCrimea]

Having gone through the stepchild thing with my wife's daughter who is going on 17, I am well aware of the challenges.  Everything that has been said so far is true.  Perhaps the most important thing is to be consistent and always follow through both on promises and threats.  Demand respect and demonstrate that you deserve it.

As far as being cool, keep in mind that he can have many friends but only one set of parents.  Your job is to be a parent, not necessarily a friend whether it is cool or not.

[msmoby_ru]

Having gone through the stepchild thing with my wife's daughter who is going on 17, I am well aware of the challenges.  Everything that has been said so far is true.  Perhaps the most important thing is to be consistent and always follow through both on promises and threats.  Demand respect and demonstrate that you deserve it.

As far as being cool, keep in mind that he can have many friends but only one set of parents.  Your job is to be a parent, not necessarily a friend whether it is cool or not.

and thank you Scott ... like it ..

[Gator]

Mark,

It seems that you are doing fine considering that he is still a teenager and consequently is hormonally impaired.  Sounds like a good kid.

I have noticed that RW, compared to AW, are quick to declare their children to enter adulthood at 17 and push them out of the nest.  So maybe you are assuming more of a parent role while your wife is slowly letting go of hers. 

One of my wife's RW friends here has an 18-yo daughter living at home and has no job. It bothers her friend; however, the dyev has no place to go and is still learning English.


This graffiti thing puzzles me because my 12-yo stepson had the same persuasion when he arrived 4 months ago.  Having known him since he was 5, he listens to me when I say it is a "No No" here.  Yet I observe him studying the spray paint cans on a shelf in my garage.  Skateboarding is another, and my younger son is quite accomplished and is teaching him (so I don't have to be "cool" - not easy at my grandpa age).  I teach him country club sports, golf and tennis. 

You are not experiencing my most difficult task: helping the two kids adjust to school with different teaching techniques and limited English.  I would not be doing them a favor by giving them the answers, so we slowly and painfully progress through homework assignments.  The kids' lessons are probably helping mama too. 

[ScottinCrimea]

One thing I try to be very careful about is to always refer to my wife's daughter as 'our" daughter, particularly in conversations between ourselves.  The only time I refer to her as "my wife's daughter" is when it is necessary to clarify or differentiate between her natural child and my own.  Of course at first our relationship was a bit awkward, but over time I have truly come to consider her as mine, in feelings as well as words.

I knew one American in Ukraine who would have constant fights with his wife over her son and the need to help and support him in various ways including financially.  His statement to me was, "I married her, not her son!".  Needless to say I had no respect for the man.  A child is a part of the woman you marry and you can't love her completely if you don't love the child as well.  You don't have to always like them.  heck, I don't always like my wife.  But you do have to always love them.  They need to feel that your parental love is unconditional, just like any other child needs, andperhaps more so.

[msmoby_ru]

Mark,

It seems that you are doing fine considering that he is still a teenager and consequently is hormonally impaired.  Sounds like a good kid.

I have noticed that RW, compared to AW, are quick to declare their children to enter adulthood at 17 and push them out of the nest.  So maybe you are assuming more of a parent role while your wife is slowly letting go of hers. 

Er, actually not in this case !!.. "Dad" has readily signed the permission to leave Russia papers. His Mum, wants him to have a good education

This graffiti thing puzzles me because my 12-yo stepson had the same persuasion when he arrived 4 months ago. 

worries the hell out of me, too. Drummed into him that thE British Police, would take a dim view of "criminal damage"..

You are not experiencing my most difficult task: helping the two kids adjust to school with different teaching techniques and limited English.  I would not be doing them a favor by giving them the answers, so we slowly and painfully progress through homework assignments.  The kids' lessons are probably helping mama too. 

Luckily, his English is superb, and he is bringing Mum along.. her vocab is superb, and she helps him.

[msmoby_ru]

One thing I try to be very careful about is to always refer to my wife's daughter as 'our" daughter, particularly in conversations between ourselves.  The only time I refer to her as "my wife's daughter" is when it is necessary to clarify or differentiate between her natural child and my own.  Of course at first our relationship was a bit awkward, but over time I have truly come to consider her as mine, in feelings as well as words.

Hmm - here I have a BIG problem, with what you say !.. there is painful history...

My ex-wife had numerous findings in Family Courts - following reports done for the Court - that I should be allowed more ( well,any) access  to our girls and that they should be allowed to come to Cyprus - my ex didn't comply, and this ended up with her boyfriend sporting a "broken nose" when I flew from Cyprus to visit my kids and they had "gone away for the weekend".... the Police were called by me, as the baby-sitter left in charge had no instructions to hand the kids over to me - and I kept having to go to court - just to get a precise time and date

We had another hearing booked for the Monday -  after I should have seen the kids, and this hearing was going to "throw the book" at my ex for repeated transcretions of Court Orders ( hence the ordering of the reports - which we had both seen in advance -it did not make good reading for her, and granted all I asked for - in the best interests of the kids )

The Family Court hearing was, naturally, suspended pending the outcome of a criminal enquiry - it was alleged I had assaulted her partner and my ex-wife - and I was found not guilty by a unanimous 12 person jury on both charges and a file was sent to the Family Court which showed my ex-wife and new partner had lied in court - and that they were TRYING to provoke me - to do something stupid - as they didn't want the hearing on the Monday to happen

During the five months I was waiting - despite Court Orders - my ex refused even supervised access, and encouraged my youngest daughter to call the guy "daddy" - she was 2.5 yrs old - at the time

To me, *I* was "Daddy" and my ex should have encouraged our kids to call new new partner by his name... 


*I* will never be Veta's son's  "Dad" - and I don't seek this...


I made this clear to him and that I would treat him as if he was my own son, from the perspective of how I would help my kids with guidence.. if he chose to take it

I knew one American in Ukraine who would have constant fights with his wife over her son and the need to help and support him in various ways including financially.  His statement to me was, "I married her, not her son!".  Needless to say I had no respect for the man.  A child is a part of the woman you marry and you can't love her completely if you don't love the child as well.  You don't have to always like them.  heck, I don't always like my wife.  But you do have to always love them.  They need to feel that your parental love is unconditional, just like any other child needs, andperhaps more so.

)  Oh boy, how about this then?? !!

Two nights ago I heard the boy mumbling at 01.30 am - we were still on Cyprus time and it seemed like 23.30 to us, I guess. I suddenly relaised he was talking on the phone - to Russia....

As *I* had the voIP (Vonage phone - allowing free calls to Russia) he MUST be using my Mother's ( we are staying here for 5 days until we took delivery of our new house) UK land line number ...  What's the big deal ? Calls to Russia are over 50p a minute ( US $1.10)

I asked his mum to go into his bedroom, and he ended the call, apparently bewildered as he had seen me use the grey phone... ( I told him use the WHITE phone to cal Russia) ... the grey phone allows free UK local calls

48 hours later - I was able to go online and check my mothers phone usage, as I needed to cover the call .... OMG .. £44.00 ( $95.00) for 1 hour 22 minutes ....he had told us - I was only talking 20 minutes ,or so


Mum's reaction was to inform him that there would be no new skateboard - she had promised him one - as he left his old one in Russia - as she felt obligated to pay...

I'm now waiting for him to wake up, as we need to tell him that this was an expensive mistake - but I will cover his ass ... 

OUCH...

 

[KenC]

Mark,
The phone thing is typical teenager stuff; get used to it.

You may indeed "earn" the title of "Dad" some day too.  Step parents are required to earn the designation over a period of time while showing their love and support of the child.  It just isn't "automatic" like it is with the sperm donor.

Your story regarding your girls, ex and her new "man" makes me sick.  It brought back my own personal nightmares of the BS my ex pulled with my son.  The one thing I will tell you is the more my ex tried to build a wall between my son and I, the closer we became!  In fact, my son eventually made the decision to live with me instead of his Mom.  I hope that your relationship with your daughters has stabilized.
KenC

[msmoby_ru]

Mark,
The phone thing is typical teenager stuff; get used to it.

The boy got his skateboard after we had a chat - and that his Mum had "panicked" as we are "guests"


I thought I'd call British Telecom and appeal to them to look favourably on the "mistake" as we'd be in OUR house if they hadn't delayed us by connecting the line to the wrong new house and failing to show up to fix it as promised yesterday... They agreed to charge the voIP rate..

Your story regarding your girls, ex and her new "man" makes me sick.  It brought back my own personal nightmares of the BS my ex pulled with my son.  The one thing I will tell you is the more my ex tried to build a wall between my son and I, the closer we became!  In fact, my son eventually made the decision to live with me instead of his Mom.  I hope that your relationship with your daughters has stabilized.
KenC

Don't go there !!  NO, it hasn't .... I haven't been able to speak to my youngest since Christmas day, and all attempts to arrange contact are ignored and birthday / Christmas presents are returned - "too busy to collect them"   

One of the main reasons I moved to Cyprus, is because my Barrister advised me to move out of the UK, as no court would refuse access to a father flying in to see his kids at specifically arranged times...

Ex-wifey has openly told the court she doesn't want me in the kids lives and been told she will be in comtempt of Court - but she knows that short of demonstrating she is a habitual drug users, or worse I stood no chance of gaining residency rights.. esp. while in Cyprus

Things did improve until I re-married  

IF we go back to the Family Courts, I will be given access, but I know my eldest is now 16.5 yrs old and has recently started visiting my Mother on her own steam, and asking about me and my life... whether I'm happy or not ... so I'm playing the waiting game

My youngest was nine last week, and I have no idea if she has seen my present

Recently, my ex collapsed when out out shopping and was dignosed as having a heart problem.... I heard about this when she asked me to agree to let the kids live with a third party if she died :-o ...   

My answer was the kids can live with me or any party they choose- as long as I can see them....

I have never heard back until the crazy phone call of a few days ago...

I know going to court would 100% gain some sort of guaranteed access, but I also know I don't live with the girls and previous "wins" have been pyrrhic as my eldest resented being interviewed by child psychologists

It's all down to waiting.. but the girls and I have missed so much time- that can never be gained back...