It's a boy

[Diplomacy]

First, let me say thank you to all the members who posted about the trials and joy of bring a child into your life.  For me this is a first time being a father, and of course it puts you through the emotional roller coaster.

He is a 7yo and I miss him as much as his mother now that I have been back for 2 weeks.  Mama was lecturing at University during my trip many times in the afternoon.  So I managed to remember how to get back and forth to school to get him or drop him off.

We played at the park, uno, Yahtzee, built a transformer, and I got him a Nintendo DS.  Mario Cart was the only game he ever wanted to play lol.  His first Italian words are now Mama mia, and luigi.(sp?)

I just let him come to me as the boards had said was the best idea.  He really did not take long.  At one point I knew Mama was both thrilled and a little jealous that he did not want her to put him to bed, just me.  You can take my man card away, but the eyes welled up there.

Even my Mother says he is just like me at that age.  Dinosaurs, animals, fishing, computers, and robots are his passion.  He is very excited about America, and moving here.  At first, I thought the true motivation was my Yellow Lab Lola.  He very much wants to float(swim) with her.  I was not too worried what motivation he had, it was having a dog that made him work at English.  I told him Lola does not know Russian so, she will not do tricks for him.

Mama's English is a 3 on the 1 to 5 scale.  So I have them both taking English lessons 90 minutes each, twice a week.  He is loving it.  He had to bring a picture of his family, and took the ones I gave him from the trip.  We visited the grandparents in the village while I was there.  She let him choose any of the pictures he wanted, and he wanted those.  Of course Lola and Siberian Forest cat Ursula had to be in the family also. 

It is a weird story, but 2 weeks before I visited I had her tell him about me.  She showed him a picture of Don and Natasha's friend that was visiting from America.  He said no that is the Papa from my dreams.  Lol, she did not tell me that one until I got there.

Well that is the back story, now to the real task at hand.  I have him in Enrolled in English classes.  The other thing I noticed was the short school day there.  We talked about that when I got back, and I verified that his school day is going to be a lot longer.  We are going to have her also give him a couple hours of English lessons a day to condition him for a longer school day.

Her last day at University is Tuesday, so her job is now preparing them both to come here.  She is funny, somehow that turned into researching the K1 visa process.  I told her that we have lawyers being paid to handle that.  She said she wanted to make sure we had all the documents we needed.

My other real bit of luck, is that my friend's wife and her are good friends from University.  So she plays Switzerland a lot explaining how things are different here and helps us through communications issues.  I try not to pester them on little things and work through them between us.

I am an avid outdoors man, so I will have a little student of the Art on my hand.  The gift from me to her father was a hunting recipe book that both myself and Lola are pictured in.  They were awed by it and that was a great ice breaker.  I clearly was a good provider, and the game here fascinated them like a kid in the candy store.  Babushka could not stop asking me questions about what this fish or animal was. 

Dadushka saw the Russian Boar and proudly produced a plethora of tusks and shook my hand.  It was as if we were in a secret club.  They are dangerous and we both nnew that, and he then took out anything related to hunting he owned or collected.

He knew his grandson was in good hands then, and Babushka was won over. I am going to translate the recipe parts to Russian.

Speaking of, man did Babushka give Inna an earful when he called telling Babushka that I made the best lunch ever.  It was a grilled cheese sandwich, which ended at 3.  I was laughing when she came home asking what cheese I used for lunch that he was liking so much.  She then told me she was in trouble for not getting up early enough to ensure we had a proper lunch lol.

I had her explain to Babushka, that they had been kind enough to share their culture.  I am of French decent, and the men do enjoy cooking.  I was sharing my culture with both of them when cooking.   Babushka was then trying to plan to come to the city to try my gourmet meals.  She did not ever make it, but it was not from lack of effort.  There was just too much going on with the harvest and farm to get away.

Ooops, I got really carried away there.

So far.....

He goes to bed at 22:00, and is up at 07:00 and is real tired when I was waking him up.  I have her putting him to bed 15 minutes earlier each week.  With a target of 20:00, he does not go to sleep right away at 22:00 either on a lot of nights.  I told her he needs more sleep to get through the longer school day.  She agreed, and we came up with the plan.

My best friend has 3 boys, and one is 7 yo, so he will be a huge asset also.  I have been an uncle to them over the years.  They are really good well mannered boys, so I am hoping monkey see and monkey do will help here.

He is not exactly well mannered with Mama.  Babushka is a different story, he does not act the same around her.  Lol, he just works Mama like a fiddle.  I did put a stop to spitting or pretending to spit when he did not like something he was told to do.  That one had to go.

The poor boy is starved for male attention too.  I really did have a good influence on him.  I introduced him to ketchup on things he does not like.  He ate like a bird at first.  The last night there, he had a full dinner, greek salad, milk shake, and ice cream.  That is more like what a growing boy needs.

He needs some weight on him, so I worked out a better diet for him.  He already has 2 extra kg.  He is really in need of sports, he craves playing football and Mama has not let him.  I told her boys need to get bumps and bruises, and let him play.  Gymnastics is apt to get his butt kicked in school here.  Although maybe not now, but in my day that was true. 

I live in a resort community.  So he has plenty of fun stuff to do. Pools,parks, ball fields, stocked fishing ponds, events, and clubs.  He has also negotiated a bike for his birthday in June, and we have bike trails for all of us too.

I got her looking for a bigger apartment, so that he will sleep in his own bed.  This way having his own room is not a shock when he moves here.  I am just trying to use the time to our benefit, and this way I do not have to be the bad guy on some of the issues when he moves here.  We worked through them before he arrives.

I am just treating it like any 7yo to prepare for his arrival.  Anything I seem to be missing.  Any advice would helpful!  I was mentally determined to take him as my own son if it seemed right on the trip with him and Mama.  Of course I am prepared for the fact anything can and probably will arise.  His teeth for one are a train wreck.  Luckily mostly baby teeth, but we got a lot to talk about with a good dentist and probably a doctor too.

 

[BillyB]

Congrats Diplomacy,
  You put a lot of thought and heart into writing that post I can tell. The boy is bonding to you and that's a good thing. He needs a man in his life and maybe that's why mama is jealous because he needs you more than her? Mama should be proud of Papa. Yes? Seems like you're doing everything right. The boy may be thin but don't force feed him. I once was as skinny as a toothpick and all of a sudden in high school I grew a lot of muscles.

[Gator]

Diplomacy,

I have experienced the same joy as you.  My Muscovite wife has a 11-yo daughter and a 12-yo boy.  I have known them since they were 4 and 5.  As someone once said, they are the frosting on the cake (mama being the cake).

It has been a real pleasure to help the boy and girl become adjusted in school.  Today we had parent-teacher conferences.  The teachers said that each child expressed a great desire to do homework with me and to prepare for tests.  Both are doing very well, especially considering that this is their first year in American schools.

It is very rewarding to have a sense of a connected, happy family.

Many men avoid RW with children.  Yes, children are expensive, and they demand a stepfather's time and emotion.  Yet, the rewards are immeasurable.

[Diplomacy]

One very important point about my life I left out.  My Mom got divorced and was a single Mom and struggled to make it for a few years.  My stepfather had no children and never once allowed to use being a stepfather as a crutch and corrected anyone that said that.

His parents treat me as their grandson also.  To the point they gave me some money for college, which they do not have a lot of.  It came full circle, and my parents really like Inna and what she has been able to achieve under very tough circumstances.  Mind you she does not live with her parents.  Yes they help out some financially, but the raising of the boy is done by her on her own.

Now they had serious questions as any parent would before the trip.  I then said that I was willing to do what my stepfather did, if it felt like the right thing to do.  We both clearly before my trip had similar goals, interests, and philosophy of life.  If I felt that she was committed to make this work, and he was a good boy then I was going to ask her to Marry me. 

If not then Plan B to go to Odessa, and Plan C to visit an orphanage and control my own destiny would go into play.

While now my life is easy, getting it to that point was not.  I had to work full time and then go to school full time to get what degrees I wanted and where I wanted them from.  Then being part of a small company that ended on the fortune 1000 was demanding.

I took a lesser paying position with another company to be able to pursue other passions.  One of which was a family that I did not have. I had worked so hard to this point to ensure we did not struggle to put food on the table. 

The money never changed me, but the days of not being able to afford the most basics did.  Well that was the basics of what put Mom to the point that she knew I was doing the right thing.

[diverboy70]

Diplomacy

You are doing the right thing! I'll take my hat off! As some of you know I  have a boy myself, and it scares away a lot of women (Otherwise I must be a monster of a person) I also state this very clearlı in my intro!

But never let a child get inbetween  your relations. My son is still speaking of Julia! So now I will not even mention a new womans name, when I skype her!

[Diplomacy]

DB:

It is a very big commitment, and I really waited a long time for her to tell him I was visiting.  I thought long and hard before the trip, but in the end it was only my never being a parent that worried me.

Well, I have overcome all obstacles in my life so far.  I am very patient by nature, so it is a big adjustment for all of us.  I know that he is very bright, and he will be given the guidance and develop the character to have a chance in life.  It is up to him in the end if he takes that chance or not.

Gator:

Yes, my friend adopted his wife's daughter also.  He was in the same boat as me, he never had been married or had children.  It has been over 8 years now and he can not imagine life without her.  I laughed and told him that you got your hands full with that one.  Better stock up on the pumpkins, Natasha laughed and explained it to him.  Of course she was shocked I knew about it.  For those that do not know, the father would give a pumpkin to a suitor that his daughter did not want to marry.  So if you have a pretty daughter, then you need a lot of pumpkins.

BB:

She was glowing over the fact, but it was really the first time he chose someone else over her.  Even at the grandparents he will sleep with her.  They are very close.  I may not have chosen the best word, but it was the pushing her away and stating he just wanted me to put him to bed.  Once again, not a parent so I do not know what to call it.  I make sure I text him every night to say good night!(of course 2 PM for me, and 13:45 next week.  I even asked his thoughts about me marrying his Mom. He said the cutest Da I have ever heard in reply. He is really her sun and moon, which she says is shared by both of us now.  She really is not as jealous as a lot of the FSU women I have met and talked to.  She is real secure with who she is.  I even said how bad it was to see the pretty girls with the sad eyes.  She said I was probably the only guy that realized they had sad eyes lol.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement.  Any advice is needed, please even if you think it is so basic I should know.  I am trying my best to work this from the most basic, to the complex. 

 

[Gtex]

Diplomacy,

You can give us advice on how to have such a good heart...

[Diplomacy]

Gtex

It is a decision you have to make.  You do not get to pick and choose when to do the right thing.  It is rarely easier to do the right thing.  I wake up every morning saying it is going to be a good day.

I do not spend time trying to make excuses about why things are not fair.  Life is in just about every aspect what you put into it.  You are who your friends are.  You want something, find someone that has what you want, do what they do, and most times you will get what they got.

Fair warning, I would not commit to marrying a girl until I felt I found one that was good on my terms, not that it may be possible that I could change her.  I tried, and it usually turned into them taking love but not willing to return it with equal force.  I am now 34 and stood by that promise, which was being alone for the right reasons was better than being with someone for the wrong ones.  It makes for really lonely nights until you find the right one.  I had to keep repeating and repeating that one.  There was a close enough I thought a few times, but I had to see how it worked out.

The world is not going to return the favor, so expect to be taken advantage of.  You may get me once or twice, but I am no fool.  I got great friends and a wonderful family.

Most of this is the help of my Mother,Fathers, Grandfathers and some great mentors that saw potential in me and pointed out character flaws.  That is the hardest part, looking into the mirror and saying I am going to change something I do not like about myself.  Give without expecting anything in return, you never get discouraged in the human race way that way.

Now after all that, the benefits are as followed.  Rarely is my word challenged as truth, or reasons believed to be for my own personal gain.  My team would follow me through the fires of hell they are so loyal.  I make them successful and give them a life they would not have probably had.  I work for them and not the other way around. 

Or Marry a really wealthy girl and have more money then you need.  Hire a great mentor and he or she can help.

Hope that helps someone out there.
 

[msmoby_ru]

Diplomacy

You are doing the right thing! I'll take my hat off! As some of you know I  have a boy myself, and it scares away a lot of women (Otherwise I must be a monster of a person) I also state this very clearlı in my intro!

But never let a child get inbetween  your relations. My son is still speaking of Julia! So now I will not even mention a new womans name, when I skype her!

GOOD point Diverboy..

As a "Courting Dad" it is VERY hard to do the right thing by you kids - do you involve them in your life - or try to kep the lady apart from the kid(s) - and she'll wonder WHY!

Whatever you do - you'll be "wrong"... 

I beleived / believe that being open about who I was seeing was no bad thing, and If/ When as child might mention an ex g/f to her Mum, or a new g/f, they had to deal with it....  I was legally "single" for 6.5 years - and they don't remember ALL the names

 

[SANDRO43]

His first Italian words are now Mama mia, and luigi. (sp?)

Correct, only it's written with a capital L, since it's the Italian equivalent of Louis/Luis (during Fascism, foreign names had to be converted to Italian equivalents, and St. Louis Blues became Le tristezze di San Luigi ).  And, while I'm at it, contrary to common belief and the Abbas, it's Mamma mia .

I told him Lola does not know Russian so, she will not do tricks for him...Mama's English is a 3 on the 1 to 5 scale.  So I have them both taking English lessons 90 minutes each, twice a week.  He is loving it. 

If I may offer a suggestion considering his age: give him to read some good US comics that he may like. That's how I started my familiarity with English (they were Walt Disney's in my time ). They have the advantage of not being boring (to a kid) and their vocabulary is simple enough to be understood by a young beginner. And, as you can see, I'm fairly fluent now .

[Diplomacy]

Sandro:

Thanks for the input, I grew up in a primarily Italian town, but only heard and could say some words.  It has been way to long and much like my once decent French, it is in need of practice. 

Yes on the comic books, and also I am getting the English version of the DVD's he likes.  Shrek, Tom and Jerry, Scooby Doo, and Cars.  The big surprise will be Transformers.  I know he will love that one. 

The official vocabulary so far is "Mama it is what not vwhat!"  Hmmm!,yes,no,cat,dog, any car brand, wait, Mom,Dad,Grandpa,Grandma, brother,sister,(he is very determined to have one of them), robot, I want, I need, Hello how are you?, I am fine, Park, bike, what is this?, and Pepsi Cola.

As you can clearly see, he is perfectly capable of learning.  The key is find an interest he has and then feed him the English.  Mama is a professor so she has the teaching part under control.  The English lessons are as much getting them out of the Apartment, now that she will not be working.

I know it is going to be hard going from a 20 hour day to just having to worry a bout him.  So it is also a good distraction.  She can bury herself in the learning and teaching of the language on her terms, so her life is not changed to much either.

She is very insecure about the English also, which really is not that bad at all.  I tell her that is way better then my Russian and that is not fair she says.  you have only been learning a few months.  She has been studying English for over a decade now. 

Well, for the fun part.  Here are a couple of photo's of us all.  The one of the two of us was a ninja shot while I was packing up to leave.  I thought a proper perspective of the separation factor may help those thinking of going through with it.

It sucks, but it is not going to change.  Use the time to really talk through everything you can think of that opinions can vary.  It is easier for me to compromise when I am not in the heat of the moment.  Plus I got time to adapt myself to that change.

[Mishenka]

Congrats to you Diplomacy, there is nothing so rewarding as raising kids and being a big part of their daily life. You will grow and learn as much as your new son in the process. You will bond closer to your new wife as she can see your love for this boy.

I am fortunate enough to be in a similar situation with Galina.  She is raising her brothers son Yaroslav much of the time as Her brother Aleksey flies cargo for Uzbek airlines and is gone sometimes 5 days at a time. Yarik just had his 9th birthday. He is also taking English classes.  His family just got their visas and green card for America and will arrive here in March.

Mishenka

[Diplomacy]

Thank you Mishenka!

For the record also, I am no angel.  I have no issue destroying any evil.  My list also included not having to change diapers, and one free pass on a pregnant woman.  We both want another child, but the fact I really wanted someone to teach the ways of nature and pass on my values to the next generation.

I need them both as much as they need me.  I could feel that bond with him almost instant.  He knew right away that he liked me and we got to the real issues.  Putting together a transformer, which I love to build things.  Then playing Uno, and for the grand finally Mario Cart.

I bought a large amount of educational books while I was there.  He takes the one he is learning from to class and shares it with the students.  The teacher has even commented on the change in him.  That goes a long way for me right now.

I even debated taking family leave for the time it takes to get them here, and help out with the transition.  It just does not make money sense right now, I want to keep the finances in decent shape.

We do work through issues really well together.  But, I also have a free translator to lean on and a family that is behind all of this.  They are constantly calling me with something they read or found.

I talked everything through with the people I cared about.  The end of the conversation was always get there now and find out for sure.  Love is not practical and neither should finding love.  You have always been practical, be selfish on this one. 

I live for the daily updates and the same question every day.  How are you?  And the cats and Lola?  Say high to the Chevy truck for me and the animals. This week the circus came to his school.  It was more like some performers, but that was huge for him.

We are going to stage the home arrival, they are going to land in JFK, and our friends and I are picking them up and going to DC.  They live there and we will have them rest there without distraction.  Then our first mission is going to the Zoo, neither have been.  Both families will get to share in the firsts this way.  Plus they also have the MIL living with them and she is close with Inna also.

We figure that they can talk Russian all they want, and save me from sounding condescending trying to help.  Plus it is going to be fun also, and makes sense.
They have a daughter a couple of years older and speaks pretty good Russian.  She helps me all the time with my vocabulary. 

[SANDRO43]

Sandro: Thanks for the input, I grew up in a primarily Italian town,

You too, like Ronnie ? We have a growing number of prematurely-terminated Italians here .

The key is find an interest he has and then feed him the English.

Exactly my point, and it applies to his mother as well, and equally to you, too, leaning Russian . One of the reasons I made little headway with my Arabic was "What the hell am I going to read in that language ?"