Second Anniversary

[Leslie]

I posted this on the old RWD board in late September 2004. That board is "lost" now so I have reposted it here to give context to our second anniversary. 

FIRST ANIVERSARY 2004
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This weekend was our first anniversary and we were in Scotland for a long weekend holiday.  What a year it has been!  So much has happened.  My life has changed completely.  I am happy to say that our marriage has grown much stronger in the past year - perhaps because of all the difficulties we have shared. 

Looking back to 1999 when I began my search for a Russian wife I can honestly say that had I known what I know now I doubt I would have embarked on this quest.  There are so many difficulties to surmount in this process.   Our love and mutual commitment has seen us through but we have both been very lucky…. 

The simple fact is that building a successful marriage to a Ukrainian woman has NOT proved to be an easy option.  IMHO it is way more difficult than marrying a local woman.  However I would never have found a woman like Natasha at home. So all this hard work has its compensations… 

At every stage in this process one thinks that "this is the hard part"  Once I am over this it will be great!!  Well this has not been my experience.  One scenarios problems are resolved only for the next to arise…. 

I took 3 years searching for the right woman.  Wrote 1000+ letters.  Six trips. Spent over $30,000.  So much to learn.  New experiences. New culture.  All the pitfalls and excitement of the chase.  Most guys posting on the internet boards are in this phase and I was no exception.  Wrote two trip reports and 500+ other posts on RWG.  Then I finally found Natasha.  All Change… 

New scenario.  New problems.  Now we have to deal with developing a relationship when we live and work on opposite sides of the planet.  Language difficulties.  Cultural divergence.  Just being apart too damn much.  It took us nine months and two long trips to build mutual commitment. These happy times were followed by the emigration process.  A bureaucratic nightmare in slow time.  Feelings of helplessness. Both of our lives on hold.  Momentary joy when it is done. I move back to UK where Natasha joins me.   

Now we are TOGETHER.  Everything will be "coming up roses"  Wrong.  We merely exchanged one set of problems for another.  We went through a "honeymoon period" for about 3 months.  Natasha was a stranger in a strange land.  I was playing the role of the gentle magician as personified by Pushkin.  Do not underestimate how much help your fiancé will require.  It is lots and LOTS.  Fortunately I am self employed so I could take time off.  Natasha had "big eyes" during most of this time.  So much was new to her.  Intensive English classes gave structure to her life.  Socially we were very active.  Our relationship grew stronger as we became best friends as well as lovers.  Then wedding planning.  Marriage followed by a holiday in Scotland.  Mutual Bliss. Then the honeymoon was over…. 

At some point the "fairy tale" existence has to stop.  I have a living to earn. Despite Natasha's fond imaginings I did not possess a money tree.  We have to live a regular married life.  This involves me working hard.  Being away from home sometimes.  We can't go away every weekend.  Natasha must take responsibility for herself and become more independent…. 

Now Natasha's mood and attitude takes an ugly turn as she realizes the vacation time is over. This is the beginning of the rest of her life in UK.  Home sickness now sweeps in tidal waves.  Just about everything is wrong with life in UK.  English culture sucks.  The people are worse  and of course - IT IS ALL MY FAULT….  

Now things got tough for both of us.  I can see with hindsight that I was fed up with playing nanny.  I also resented the mammoth changes to my hitherto  bachelor lifestyle. I was worried about my business which was in danger from my neglect.  We could not keep spending money at those levels.  Anyhow for all sorts of reasons just when Natasha was demanding the most support I was backing off…. 

The result was cataclysmic arguments.  The sort that I had to sometimes end by walking out of the house.  But between the emotional crises an awful lot of straight talking got done. The gloves were off.  We were like two rocks in a tumbler.  Compromises had to be made. Fortunately we loved one another.  The anchor line of our relationship held.  Again with hindsight we realize we were truly getting to know one another but at the time it felt like we were breaking up…. 

I reckon trips home are a great remedy for home sickness.  Natasha has been home twice for a total of six weeks and I joined her for two of those.  She still misses Ukraine but the angst is diminishing.  She has adapted to living in UK but still isn't happy here.  I don't think there are  any easy answers to these problems.  Adapting to a new life just takes time.  For BOTH of you. 

Our first anniversary perhaps marks the end of this transition phase… 

Next year Natasha wants to start a family.  Changing diapers (nappies) at 50!!  How will I cope with that?  As I said at the beginning one set of problems ends only for others to take their place…. 
 

SECOND ANIVERSARY - September 2005
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In October 2004 Natasha began to get very "broody". Starting a family was a reoccurring topic of conversation.  Then one evening I was presented with a catalog for one of those packages (machines included!) to help infertile couples conceive.  This was the final straw for me.  I could just imagine getting a text message at work  "you need to come home  -
NOW!!" 

So I booked us both into a private hospital for the full series of tests.  Outcome was as I expected - no problems.  You want a child stop using contraception.  So we did.  Most of my friends have spent several months trying to make a baby.  Plenty of time yet. Wrong. Second cycle and Natasha was pregnant.  

At first I will admit to complacency.  The process seemed remote and the only outward sign in Natasha was increased moodiness.  She is by nature emotional nitroglycerine so treading even more carefully was no big deal.   By the time we went to Egypt for a spring vacation denial was no longer tenable. Natasha weighed in at 70 Kg  (up from 55Kg) and virtually everyone I met was congratulating me on soon being a father ! 

The last trimester of the pregnancy was difficult.  Tamara was lying transversely and Natasha could not walk - even around the supermarket.  Her life was bed to sofa.  Of course she grew even bigger.  I never knew how big because the bathroom scales vanished !  Natasha became "Grumpy" and I had to keep a very low profile.  I was nursing an invalid.  An extremely cranky invalid.  When Natasha was two weeks overdue our consultant called an end.  Tamara was induced and born in just over 10 hours.  I was there the whole time.  It is a life changing experience.  The married guys will know what I mean. 

Well what is it like changing nappies(diapers) at 50 you might ask??   

Nappies are no problem.  Tamara waking, screaming at 2 and 5 am most nights is.  That combined with working hard is difficult.  My energy levels are constantly low. Tamara is definitely worth all the trouble.  She has some of my looks and all of my bad temper!  It is an eerie feeling seeing oneself mirrored in a new life.  To feel unconditional love.... 

Two weeks ago new high tech scales appeared in the bathroom and Natasha is down to 64Kg.  I bet in 6 months she is down to her normal weight.  She refuses to buy larger size clothes and has started running again.  Our relationship is even stronger than before.  The more we share, the stronger we become. 

Recently Natasha said that she could not imagine going back to live in Ukraine.  Far too primitive !  The home sickness is over and apart from the Slavic looks and Russian accent she has acclimatized very well.  In 18 months she will have a British passport and by that time I reckon this process will be complete.  Friends and family from Ukraine trying to sponge money from us are told NO by Natasha. This caused amazement !  It has been an 80/20 split, I have become more Russian.  We are a bilingual household.  I reckon we are mostly through the cross cultural issues now.  Whether our marriage survives depends on us as individuals.  Just like it would if we were both Russian or English.  

This year has been about Tamara.  It has also been about working together.  We have shed our  selfish perspectives. WE are a family.    

Finally Natasha has already told me that she wants another baby (ideally a boy) next year.  A new year a new set of problems.  We enjoy our journey together…..

 

[jb]

I keep waiting for you to share some recent pics of the baby.

[catzenmouse]

Great Post and a Very BIG CONGRADULATIONS! To you and Natasha (and Tamara too!).

Elena & Ken (just passed the 8 month mark of our marriage)

[PeeWee]

Well done and thanks for sharing a piece of you joy. Here is hoping for the 3rd and well beyond.

 

PeeWee

[BC]

Leslie,

Hearty congrats to you Natasha and Tamara!

Thanks for sharing how tough it really is. Much of your experience seems so familiar ..

[Leslie]

Hi JB,

This picture of Tamara was taken a couple of weeks ago.

If you would like to see more pix.  PM me your e-mail.

 

[Rvrwind]

Congrats Leslie & Natasha & may the future have much good things in store for you both & the Wee One.

RVR - Canadian Cowboy

[jb]

She's a doll.

Although I'll share something I heard my father say many years ago.  He said: "Child rearing is a strange thing, you spend the first two years trying to teach them to walk and talk, then you spend the next 16 years trying to get them to sit down and shut up".

With kids you can't win, you just have to love 'em.

[Michelangelo]

Congrats, Leslie!  Tamara is a cute kid, and I can see that if you marry a redhead, you'll wind up with red headed kids

Thanks for a good report and still another testimony that the hard part comes AFTER the marriage...

[KenC]

Thanks for sharing and congrats.  I've always enjoyed reading your posts.

KenC

[RacerX]

Leslie,

Thanks for that marvelous piece of writing.  I can absolutely relate to everything you have said, sometimes grinning, sometime nodding my head in agreement, but the rest of the time just thinking how true, how true...

[Photo Guy]

Leslie, I missed your '04 report, so I really appreciate you posting it again, along with the update.  When you write: 'We enjoy our journey together...'  I think that says it all. It's the bottom line. Congrats!  Doug

[Son of Clyde]

Leslie,

Best wishes to you and your family. Keep us up to date on what is happening.

I will pass the one month mark soon.

[START2]

Very good post Leslie. Congratulations!!  And we wish you much succuess. We just had our ceremony on the 24th. It was beautiful and one of the better days of my life. Val has her days of being homesick but she handles it pretty good. The day before our wedding she gets an e-mail from all her girlfriends. They all got together and wrote it together. They started it out with all the pet names they use for her and the tears started to flow. She wished they could have been here but we'll celebrate with them at another time. Here's what they did. The day of our wedding they all went to their favorite cafe and had a big party. They offered up some long distance toasts for us. Mama and papa were their to. They just decided to have a reception for us without us. Pretty cool!! We just returned from the mountains and will head to Vegas in a few days and will be back sunday. So, Ya'll take care and have a good week. For all of you affected by the storms lately, I hope you and your families are all safe and sound. Paka

[jb]

For all of you affected by the storms lately,

I didn't even get my lawn watered,,, not a single drop of rain fell on Corpus Christi.

[Leslie]

Thank you for all your friendly comments.

I reckon this game is a lot like sailing.  It is not just a matter of setting off in the right boat.  You constantly need to be alert to meet todays problems or there won't be a tomorrow.  The problems vary with where you are on the journey, periods of calm, are not welcome if they last too long.  Storms are dangerous but can speed you on your way.  Above all you need to know where you are going..........

 

 

 

[ConnerVT]

I reckon this game is a lot like sailing.  .....  Above all you need to know where you are going.......... 

And like sailing, you must not get upset when you do not take the route you original set out on.  You just need to continue making your way to where you set off to.

Great analogy, Les.