Wife split!

[Doll]

But she tagged our guy with a green card and immediately found a boyfriend from her own country. And now wipes her feet on the husband, now doormat. . .

Who said this?

[Doll]

I don't know Doll's personal situation but damn this situation just isn't right

.
You don't know any of them.

[Gator]

Doll,

It is refreshing to have a RW join this discussion and give us another perspective.

From what I can infer, you and your husband early in your marriage experienced a situation similar to Wayne's.  Nevertheless, somehow the two of you resolved your issues through an apparently tumultuous "give and take" process.  Consequently, you are encouraging Wayne to attempt to talk this out with his wife with the hope that the two of them can accomplish what you and your husband did.  

Do you feel there is a reasonable possibility that the two could reconcile?  The only evidence I see supporting reconciliation is the fact that Wayne’s wife has not yet played the DV card.  If she were 100% focused on the Green Card, she should have already created an incident as did Maxx's wife, reported it to the police, and started the legal process to waive the Green Card hurdles.  All RW know about the fast track process via DV, so why has she not done this?

OTOH, most of the evidence reported by Wayne suggests that their differences are irreconcilable:

No sex since the wedding night.  Wife? moved into seperate bedroom.

Sounds virtually identical to Maxx’s situation with his Russian wife.  Big RED FLAG.

Wife admits she has a boyfriend and moved in with him.

 
Wayne add supporting evidence.  "I wondered how she was getting all the expensive new clothes.”  You question whether there is indeed a boyfriend; however, a boyfriend seems plausible to me even though she no longer lives with him.  For example, she became attracted to a smooth talker who promised her a lot but he was just playing with her.  Or he had good intentions, bought her pretty dresses and shoes, yet quickly grew weary of what is nothing more than her typical Russian idiosyncrasies.

I will concede that part of Wayne’s situation could be nothing more than a manifestation of different personalities plus his wife’s adjustment to a new life.

She doesn't clean, cook or do laundry for me.  

Does Wayne’s wife have a paying job?  If so, she may not have time for this.  Remember that Wayne has been a bachelor for a long time. Perhaps he is set in his ways around his house, which now has been invaded by two younger and more

House was never so dirty before. Lets her dog mess all over the house and does not clean it up.

 
This sounds the same as my house because my wife is busy with school and we have two active young kids and a Great Dane puppy going through the puppy stage.

Doll, I am happy that you and your husband somehow saved your marriage.  Evidently, you and your husband were committed to the marriage.  Is Wayne’s wife committed to the marriage or to her Green Card?

Also, I do not expect nor want to hear your answer to this question, “Is your situation similar to Wayne's?”

[Doll]

Do you feel there is a reasonable possibility that the two could reconcile?

Like I said- the woman on K-1 visa with a kid would NEVER leave her husband for no reason.This reason has to be VERY serious.
So in this regard I don't feel anything as I don't know her reasons.
Actually I do a little but it is from Wayne's PM. Yet don't think it can be the very reason she left.
I can give 2% she is one of GC girls but I doubt.

[Doll]

Is Wayne’s wife committed to the marriage or to her Green Card?

I don't know.
No my situation was not similar to Wayne's- it was much worse.

[Doll]

Do you counsel or assist other green card girls or is this your first one?

I do

[Jack]

Like I said- the woman on K-1 visa with a kid would NEVER leave her husband for no reason.This reason has to be VERY serious.

Their is a very good reason for a woman on a K-1 with child to leave this man,  it's called love!!  She is NOT in love with the man. She has used the man. She thought she had everything figured out. She did not. Damn!  Now she has to go back to this man and some how try to persuade him of whatever cock and bull story she can come up with.

I can only hope Wayne will never be alone with this woman or else I suspect we will see the DV card played as it is probably the only way she could be allowed to stay legally due to her previous actions.

[ScottinCrimea]

Given that Wayne has said nothing about any steps he has taken, it appears that he is doing nothing.  Unfortunately this seems to be his modus, allowing his wife to sleep in a separate bedroom and doing nothing about it, allowing her to spend lavishly on his credit cards and doing nothing, etc.  I understand the type of personality that prefers to avoid conflicts by just letting things happen to him, but when they do it's not right to complain about it.  It especially bothered me that he would claim that maybe if he earned more money things would have been okay, seeming to justify her bad actions by putting the blame on himself.

Now Wayne, you have been given some excellent advice here, the most important being to retain a lawyer ASAP.  I understand that you might be worried about the cost of the retainer, but the failure to do whatever you can to do this will cost you much much more.  I think it is much less costly to hire an attorney to handle the marriage issues than it would be to hire one to handle a criminal complaint against you.

[Doll]

Their is a very good reason for a woman on a K-1 with child to leave this man,  it's called love!!

Only Americans can say that! She is theoretically subjected to deportation unless she can prove she really can't go back. She with the kid and these immigration problems is NOT a catch for any man here.
So the wife who understands it (they all do) will never leave the husband if he is a decent man. See- I didn't say "love" or "beloved", I said "decent"- caring, providing etc.
Again- 1% for  brainless women.

[Doll]

I'll tell you more- no job, no place to live , coming immigration problems (thousands and thousands dollar), a kid, no parents or family here. It is not AW who has no clue about all above!
To remove conditions from her GC would cost thousands and years.
So ask Wayne what really happened in his marriage.

[Jack]

Only Americans can say that!

Ohh really?

Well, that settles it. Then you are correct. Discussion over.

[Doll]

Discussion over.

OK

[Makkin]

Doll,

  Your a clever girl indeed and I like what you write because it is full of interesting points.

  If we take this story from one side and it happens to be true then what should be done in an effort to help this man?

Thanks,

Makkin

[OlgaH]

She came on a K-1 in March 2008.  Married in late April. 

 Wife admits she has a boyfriend and moved in with him.

Tells me her immigration lawyer says she has to live with me for the green card issue.  Says she is moving back in. 

A year has not yet passed... 

[Ade]

OK

The problem I have with what you say Doll is that you're making assumptions and extrapolating from nothing. The only information that has been presented, clearly indicates that Wayne's wife is using him for a green card, has a boyfriend and hasn't slept in the same bed as him since they were married.

You say this woman would NEVER leave the guy because she would know the consequences; well, you're again assuming she's not dumb and is in possession of all the information required to know that it wasn't wise to leave him.

Sure, it's possible that he could be lying but I don't really see what he has to gain by that and in all honesty, it's quite irrelevant; the advice that's been given here has to be based on what is known and not on the wild supposition that this woman is really a misunderstood angel and all he needs to do is talk to her for life to be a bed of roses once again.

[Doll]

You say this woman would NEVER leave the guy because she would know the consequences;

I say A woman would never ( in 99%) leave her husband if she is an immigrant with a kid and the life is acceptable.

[Doll]

Sure, it's possible that he could be lying

I think he is not telling the truth.

[BC]

I say A woman would never ( in 99%) leave her husband if she is an immigrant with a kid and the life is acceptable.

Doll,

I guess this really depends on expectations.. both of the woman and man involved.  Obviously expectations of one or both were not met.

Someone above mentioned love, but I tend to believe that love is a result and not premises of many long distance marriages.

Infatuation at first sight.. yes.. love, no.

Replace 'woman' with 'Mother' in your statement above and I tend to agree - others might also.

In the end though, with this couple we are all only guessing.

[Ade]

I say A woman would never ( in 99%) leave her husband if she is an immigrant with a kid and the life is acceptable.

So you are saying that almost all the situations where a FSUW leaves their American or European husband is because life is "unacceptable" for her? In which case all the train wrecks we hear about are the fault of the man then?

[William3rd]

I think he is not telling the truth.

And I think you do not have any idea what you are talking about.

Again- how many GCG have you assisted?

[Turboguy]

VWRW tends to agree more with Doll than with the rest of us.   Personally I don't think Wayne is lying but in all fairness we have part of one side of the story so there are a lot of areas where we all have to make assumptions.  Most are assuming the worst case scenario which may be correct, or maybe not.   I don't see where Doll is definitely incorrect in making her assumptions.  She is not doing any more assuming than the rest of us are.  We just don't know what Wayne's wife's motivations and thought processes are.  We don't know what her life with Wayne is like.

Wayne is in a bad situation that could turn into a terrible situation.  I am not out to pile guilt on him but he has said the life she found here was not what she expected.  I have to wonder if Wayne properly disclosed his life and financial condition before she made the decision to move here and marry him.  

There have been two posts while I was typing this.  Doll, I don't think he is lying but I think there is a lot we don't know.

BC, I agree with you, we are ALL only guessing.  None of us really know.

The possible scenario's are

1.  What Doll is assuming.  She wants to try to make things work with her husband and is moving back in good faith and wants to work things out.

2.  What the rest are assuming, that she an evil woman moving back to set Wayne up for a domestic abuse charge so she can get her green card.

3.  That she has accepted that to get her green card her best option is to spend the next 2 years with Wayne.  If she chooses at the end of the two years she can move on and build her own life without Wayne.

Personally I think the suggestions to grab the furniture, lock her out, run off with the car, freeze all cash so she can not get at it, etc are poor suggestions.  Push her into a corner and the worst will come out and the worst could be pretty bad.  

I think the assumptions need to get out of the equation.   Wayne needs to find some safe way to open up some dialog with her and find out exactly what her ideas and plans are.   There are ways both can get what they want without hurting each other.  He also needs to protect himself to some degree.

We also don't know much about the people involved.  Wayne seems like a really nice guy.  I have met RW that I would not trust for a second and I have met some really great ones that I would trust with my life or last dollar.  Wayne might have a feel for how trustworthy she is but we don't.

Based on what little we know I don't hold as much hope for this marriage as Doll does but we are all making assumptions with little facts.  I think Wayne needs to protect himself from the worst disasters and try to find some way to see if there is a solution that can be good for both.  

I have read many times here that this can be an expensive proposition and people who can not afford it should not try it.  It seems to me that Wayne really couldn't afford it.  Probably he should have gotten himself in better financial condition before he married an FSU woman but that is history.  He has a big problem now that he can't afford to support them both in an independent life as well.  Getting another place to live and just staying away and letting her stay in the house for the two years could be an option but that doesn't seem affordable for him.    

The real truth is that there is just too much we don't know.

Doll, I don't think he is lying but there are a lot of things we don't know.  I think BC was correct.  We are ALL only guessing.

Seriously Jaded, we tend to hear more from men in these train wrecks than women but I do think there are a lot of cases where men are at fault.  Either in misrepresenting their life styles,  in not disclosing those things that they feel men end thier relationships before they begin, in not filling the needs of the FSU woman or having qualities that don't come out until the women are here.   I would agree with Doll, that in most cases a woman with a child who came here with halfway honorable intentions would stay if the life was acceptable.  

[Doll]

Again- how many GCG have you assisted?

Do you really want this question answered?)))

[Doll]

Doll, I don't think he is lying but I think there is a lot we don't know.

Exactly.

Doll, I don't think he is lying

Show me where I said he was.

[Doll]

Turboguy,
 

[Doll]

Replace 'woman' with 'Mother'

Ok- mother