Another newbie!

[EnergyAZ]

Hello

I am 34 year old father of one, recently divorced, white collar employed.  As my divorce has presented an opportunity for a new life, I decided I would like to do something completely different and meet someone unlike any other I have met before, so I have decided to seek out a RW

  I am not 'old' or 'fat' or unable to meet a woman in my own country. Quite the contrary. I am a good man with a good head on my shoulders, great job, excellent health, attractive. My ex wife looks like a movie star.  Further, my divorce taught me valuable lessons about the nature of relationships and (learning the hard way) what is required for success, and it is my hopes my next lady benefits from that.  I feel I am a catch by American standards, so I feel I should be a nice catch for any RW as well. 

I am fully committed to this venture, and I am the type of person that once his mind is made up about something - its going to get done to the best of my ability.  I have only the best intentions in my heart and have done a LOT of research into the whole idea...hence me finding this site!

I have already begun correspondence with a couple girls, one of which I am *very* interested in.  Playing everything cool and not trying to come off too hot 'n heavy too fast.  But is that a 'western dating' mentality where you dont want to show your emotional cards until you are absolutely positive that it is reciprocated, because if its not - you will send the person running to the hills in fear.

But these RW dating profiles - serious stuff with all the 'I want to love and be loved' talk.

So is it OK for me as a WM to be as emotionally direct about my intentions to the RW as she is in her communications & profile?  Or would that turn her off like it might a western woman?  Or, would the 'playing it cool' approach actually be counter productive when courting a RW?

To be honest, if a western woman talked about marriage in the 1st email to me - I would be kinda freaked out.  And if my 1st letter to a western woman was all talking about marriage and babies...before we even met, she would certainly be freaked out!  But it seems par for the course for the RW to discuss such things as ice breaker topics.

Its just strange for me to have a very beautiful woman pour her heart out, her hopes and dreams and wants from life and relationship - in the 1st contact.  I want to scream out how I am the person she seeks!

But I dont want to fall into any traps, I fear all this hot n heavy talk right off the bat could be a method for some of these women to determine who is lonely/needy enough (aka, good target victim for scam)

Anyhow - any insight to a newbie...any whatsoever...is appreciated! 



Thank you!

[Faux Pas]

EnergyAZ

Welcome to RWD!

I would recommend you be very weary of any woman that pours her heart out or wants to marry you at 1st contact. Something is most likely wrong with her. How would you feel about a local woman that did such? RW aren't different creatures, they are women with most of what we love about women, much enhanced and amplified.

Don't bank to much on what you see in a lady's profile. It like yours, is a sales pitch to garner attention. When you find one that interest you, investigate and send her a note telling her so.

Keep in mind there are no hard and fast rules when searching for a lady in the international dating scene. Where one may find success the next finds nothing but failure. It is a walk down a path loaded with land mines. You made a positive move in joining the forum and seeking information. I encourage you to READ, READ, READ.

Good luck to you

[SANDRO43]

Welcome to RWD, EnergyAZ.

But I dont want to fall into any traps, I fear all this hot'n'heavy talk right off the bat could be a method for some of these women to determine who is lonely/needy enough (aka, good target victim for scam)

Quite rightly, caution is in order. You will find plenty to read about this subject here. What agency/website are you using ?

[EnergyAZ]

Clarification - she speaks of her desire for marriage, not specifically TO ME.  Just made it clear her desire is for serious relationship that ultimately includes marriage/babies.

Most western women would scare the bejezus out of any man with that kind of talk in 1st communication.  I know I would be flipped out

So with the RW, are they just getting this out of the way nice and early to ensure they only speak with marriage minded men?  Or is it a cultural thing where this kind of talk is OK in the early stages?

As far as agency - using the agency that shall not be named...   

I know, I know....chances are its all a hoax.  But I already signed up before I was enlightend to their practices, but maybe I can be the 1 in 1,000 success story?  lol

[kryten41]

I think they are just getting this out of the way early so they only speak with marriage minded men. It may seem odd, but if you think about it, most men that are looking for women half way around the world aren't just looking for someone to date, they are hoping to find someone wonderful to marry.  Personally, I wouldn't want to spend thousands of dollars and go through all the hassle of international travel to meet a woman who just wanted someone to date and wasn't open to the idea of marriage and relocation if she finds the right man.  I appreciate that the women are frank that they want to love and be loved, and are willing to give up everything for the right man.   

If you aren't looking for someone to marry (potentially), you should be frank about that in your profile, and early communications, so you don't waste the time, and cause hurt feelings, of marriage minded women. 

This really isn't like dating women locally. 

[mies]

There are few big colleges in az, and "russian clubs" in big cities - you can quite easily find russian young single woman living in your town, who may be quite interested in meeting local guy (if he is young, physically attractive, and overall interesting).

If you have white collar job - girl who studies in local college will be better match for you on a social ladder, rather than bringing somebody who needs time to adapt to local life. (Unless you would be ok with your eastern-european wife working in usa as a shelf-stacker or a cleaning-lady). It will be also cheaper for you, and you will have more chances to get to know her personality - if the girl lives in same city as you do, and not over the ocean.

when woman from dating site tells you "I am interested in marriage" it should be read as "don't waste my time if you are not interested in marriage, if you are incapable to bring a russian woman to USA and to support her financially, or if you are not ready for decisions of this sort". Another plausible explanation - scammers write same thing in their profile to prove they are "serious girls". I do not think it is possible to tell the difference just looking at the profile.

[EnergyAZ]

Thanks for all the replies!

I actually went on a date with a local FSU girl (Estonia), there was no romantic chemistry, but she was still a great representitive of what the FSU could offer.

I am a little confused by the comment of white collar job, better to find a local girl?  I seriously do not mind bringing someone to this country.  And they certainly would not be subject to remedial employment!  Whoever my girl is, she isnt going to need to work until she feels she is ready.  She would be a PT bank teller or something well before she was a cleaning lady!  I would never let my woman work lame dead-end job with little pay regardless of her nationality

[Misha]

Clarification - she speaks of her desire for marriage, not specifically TO ME.  Just made it clear her desire is for serious relationship that ultimately includes marriage/babies.

Most western women would scare the bejezus out of any man with that kind of talk in 1st communication.  I know I would be flipped out

So with the RW, are they just getting this out of the way nice and early to ensure they only speak with marriage minded men?  Or is it a cultural thing where this kind of talk is OK in the early stages?

What exactly should she be looking for? A date? A guy to go clubbing? Sex? If she wanted that, she could easily find that at home. What is her motivation for being on a marriage agency meeting foreigners? Unless she is a scammer or just looking for dates to spend a lot of money on her, she is looking for a serious guy willing to marry her. If she just wants a boyfriend to hang around with in Russia, she can find a lot of those without an agency 

[mies]

I would never let my woman work lame dead-end job with little pay regardless of her nationality

exactly my point. One thing is what YOU will let your woman do, another (and maybe totally different thing) is what the employers will be eager to offer to the girl with FSU diploma. Ask the women who came to USA how many months/years it took them before they were able to get the job of bank tellers (or any other decent jobs).
Having this in mind - you may want to target specific professions (e.g. IT) or to budget the money for USA college education for your potential FSU wife. Or find the woman who does not want to work and prefers to be a housewife (if you earn enough), and tell to women honestly that you don't want them to work - when you start the correspondence with them.

[GoodOlBoy]

Welcome EnergyAZ!

My wife became a teller at our local bank about 6 month's after her arrival. She is now a Senior Accountant for a major retail company. She has been in this country for 3 1/2 years. Pretty smart lady, but most Russian women are. 

[Mark Davis]

Welcome, Newbie!

We hope you just go and engage with these great women in their homelands.  Your adventure really starts when you are there.  Just as you expressed; chemistry is something you have to judge in person.

I have another friend who had always dated American hotties, but found himself drawn to FSU ladies.  The reasons are deeper than just the exterior beauty, which is obvious. 

We look forward to keeping up with you on your journey.

Best regards,

Mark

[EnergyAZ]

About the education...

Most of the women (if not all of them) either current or graduated University students. One has masters degree in economics.

How marketable are these degrees here in the US? (provided English skills are not an issue)

I see high school grads working the teller line in my local bank.  I couldnt imagine an FSU girl with an economics degree not being asked to interview (again, english skills not playing a role, obviously if one cannot communicate employment opportunities are seriously limited)

Thanks for all the well wishes - I will definitely check in from time to time.  Still on the hunt, still corresponding with a couple ladies, still trying to filter fantasy vs. reality.  Most definately plan to visit, probably this spring.  No interest in lengthy correspondence, would prefer to cut to the chase and see if there is any real world chemistry. 

Nothing major at the moment but its still very early in the game!

[BC]

Welcome Energy!

How recent is 'recently divorced'?  Does 'father of one' mean living with you?

The reason I ask is that chasing women halfway around the world is not a very healthy 'cure' for a lonely heart, and if freshly divorced there is one person in your life that deserves a great deal of attention above all else.

[ScottinCrimea]

About the education...

Most of the women (if not all of them) either current or graduated University students. One has masters degree in economics.

How marketable are these degrees here in the US? (provided English skills are not an issue)

I see high school grads working the teller line in my local bank.  I couldnt imagine an FSU girl with an economics degree not being asked to interview (again, english skills not playing a role, obviously if one cannot communicate employment opportunities are seriously limited)

It's not just about the language skills.  My wife has excellent English and also has a masters in economics, but it didn't qualify her for much beyond the ground level in the US.  Even in accounting or being a bank teller, the terms and system are so different that she would have to learn from scratch.  I have no doubts that she would quickly rise in the system once she learned everything, but it would be basically starting over.  Even in other fields such as law or medicine, the same would apply.

[EnergyAZ]

Welcome Energy!

How recent is 'recently divorced'?  Does 'father of one' mean living with you?

The reason I ask is that chasing women halfway around the world is not a very healthy 'cure' for a lonely heart, and if freshly divorced there is one person in your life that deserves a great deal of attention above all else.

My divorce was a long time coming.  She told me she wanted a divorce nearly a year and a half ago but due to financial reasons she was unable to move out until recently.  We had essentially been uncomfortable roomates living in seperate rooms for over a year.  All the hurt and associated feelings came and went a while ago, and now that she (finally) left I am moving forward. 

I have joint custody of my son, and fortunately for me all my days happen to be my days off work so we get loads of QT together which is wonderful. (I work a series of 12hr shifts, so I get 3 & 4 days off in a row alterating weeks)  I actually get quite a bit more QT with him than he gets with his mom.  But there is only so much one could talk about with a 4 year old and am looking for a companion for myself. 

One of the reasons I felt RW might be a good idea for me is because I have no choice but to move slowly due to the distance.  I think one of the reasons I am divorced is because we rushed into things, which with a RW is nearly impossible because 1st I have to find her, ensure she is legit, write for a couple months, visit....and if everything goes well, still not live together for probably another 6-12 months (K1 processing).  Compared to my ex where we moved in together within 90 days of meeting. That is straight impossible to do with a RW as its somewhat unlikely I will even physically meet her within 90 days of our 1st letters.

I appreicate what you are hinting at here, and it is something I thought long and hard about.  I realize whoever I meet next is going to be a special person and deserves nothing but the best of me - and doesnt deserve to deal with any baggage.  So I do think I have addressed that and feel I am ready.  In fact, have slowly started to introduce the idea that daddy is looking for a lady friend, and as young as he is, he seems to understand and is on board.  Baby steps ya know, I just dont want to shock him one day by having a strange woman start living with us out of the blue.  IMO, he needs to know about her before she arrives.

[BC]

Energy,

Believe me, there are a lot of dynamics involved.

Your wife moved out recently means that your child is just starting to adjust to the new living situation.  Although kids at that age have an uncanny ability to adjust to some very challenging environment, first and foremost your son needs to see your side of the relationship as solid commitment to him on your part and that takes time.. my guess around a year or so, but maybe even more.

Second, although you and your wife seem to have parted amicably, should you begin to devote an inordinate amount of time for this venture as many do (and should), you may find that your ex may begin to balk if you are not able to uphold your scheduled parenting time.  That may degrade into innocent remarks such as 'Mommy.. why is daddy not picking me up this week?.. Well he is chasing young girls halfway around the world'..  or such.  This hits very hard at that young age.

I personally experienced such with the first GF's dating at home.. I can only imagine what it would have been like had I met my wife already during that period.

My RW sideswiped me.. I had no intentions at all of dating, much less marriage to a woman from FSU when we met.  It was quite stressful, both at home and work because of one factor.. TIME..  Even though my son was 17 at the time (living with me) it was a 'juggling act' trying to keep it all together..  -At least he was old enough to realise that his pappa was suffering from a hopefully temporary bout of total insanity and knew how to take care of himself during my 'absence'.

It really was like being stuck between a rock and another hard place, so beware.

In your shoes, (and this is said in the very kindest and supportive way) I would just forget RW for a long while.

One concept that I had a hard time dealing with is 'First things first...'  In this emotionally packed world of international dating it's also one of the concepts thrown out the window early on.. usually resulting in massive train wrecks.

Whatever you decide to do is quite all right.. but never forget what is first in your life, and that sometimes you have to make some very hard choices.

Whatever you do, don't disappear. You face challenges that many others do so keep up the discourse.. Look at me only as the devils advocate..  maybe that's wrong though.. I know exactly what the devil would tell ya! LOL

Let us know your thoughts.. they are VERY important.

[EnergyAZ]

Energy,

Believe me, there are a lot of dynamics involved.

Your wife moved out recently means that your child is just starting to adjust to the new living situation.  Although kids at that age have an uncanny ability to adjust to some very challenging environment, first and foremost your son needs to see your side of the relationship as solid commitment to him on your part and that takes time.. my guess around a year or so, but maybe even more.

My son is adjusting to our new life shockingly well. I am very pleased about how easy the transition has been for him, any concerns I had about it have vanished. I have no doubt that either my son or myself is concerned about lack of solid parental commitment.  Its what I live/breathe for and he seems to be very secure in himself as well as our relationship.

Even if everything worked perfectly with the woman I am currently corresponding with, she wouldn't physically meet my son for about a year. Plenty of time to ensure he is well adjusted 1st.

Second, although you and your wife seem to have parted amicably, should you begin to devote an inordinate amount of time for this venture as many do (and should), you may find that your ex may begin to balk if you are not able to uphold your scheduled parenting time.  That may degrade into innocent remarks such as 'Mommy.. why is daddy not picking me up this week?.. Well he is chasing young girls halfway around the world'..  or such.  This hits very hard at that young age.

I get my son 1/2 of the week. When he is with me, I do not spend any of his waking hours on the RW thing.  The other 1/2 the week I don't have him is when I spend more time on the RW thing.  When it comes to visits, visiting more than 2x per year is simply not an option (for several reasons) so its not like 'daddy chasing girls halfway around the world' is anything that should register in his mind....unless his mother plants it in there.  But even if my ex does not support my RW search, she would never slander me to my son (or vice versa).  There are many things my ex and I do not agree with one another about, but we never pollute our son's mind with that.

I personally experienced such with the first GF's dating at home.. I can only imagine what it would have been like had I met my wife already during that period..........

......In your shoes, (and this is said in the very kindest and supportive way) I would just forget RW for a long while.

One concept that I had a hard time dealing with is 'First things first...'  In this emotionally packed world of international dating it's also one of the concepts thrown out the window early on.. usually resulting in massive train wrecks.

Dating in general is emotionally packed.   Forgetting about RW for now = date local women instead.

I feel that over the next 6-12 months, dating a local woman would provide far more distraction and disruption to both of our lives.  My dating life would be far more visible to my son if I were dating local women.

Over that same time span, an LTR has almost no visibility to my son.  And even if I email and call the woman every day, still nothing like time spent on a relationship with a woman who lives a few miles away.

One thing is for certain....I am ready to meet new people.  My heart is stronger than ever before and I have no fear to share it.  I have come out of my experience a wiser and more compassionate human. 

At this point, the heartache of divorce is over 18 months old and I am totally over it emotionally as well as financially.  If I was cruel, I would have told my ex to leave 18 months ago when she originally told me she wanted a divorce.  But I didnt want her to struggle financially so I allowed her to take the time needed to properly prepare herself.  She was a roommate for a long time before she left.  No sex, no affection, no romance, nothing! And the 18 months felt like 18 years!

Now that she finally has left (2 months ago) I am ecstatic to move forward and start meeting new people and building my new life!

No worries, I honestly feel I have my head screwed on right and there is no way my kid is going to suffer as result of his dad looking to enrich his life.

[BC]

My son is adjusting to our new life shockingly well. I am very pleased about how easy the transition has been for him, any concerns I had about it have vanished. I have no doubt that either my son or myself is concerned about lack of solid parental commitment.  Its what I live/breathe for and he seems to be very secure in himself as well as our relationship.

That is really great, but just remember after you dive in, a SO will desire the same.  It's difficult to share.  This thought from experience.

Even if everything worked perfectly with the woman I am currently corresponding with, she wouldn't physically meet my son for about a year. Plenty of time to ensure he is well adjusted 1st.

Just guessing, but by then it's a done deal.. There is a big difference with sharing your attention and trying to conjure up double attention.

I get my son 1/2 of the week. When he is with me, I do not spend any of his waking hours on the RW thing.  The other 1/2 the week I don't have him is when I spend more time on the RW thing.  When it comes to visits, visiting more than 2x per year is simply not an option (for several reasons) so its not like 'daddy chasing girls halfway around the world' is anything that should register in his mind....unless his mother plants it in there.  But even if my ex does not support my RW search, she would never slander me to my son (or vice versa).  There are many things my ex and I do not agree with one another about, but we never pollute our son's mind with that.

That all sounds pretty good.. but wait when the time comes that you have to break the news that 'I can't pick you up this week.. and maybe the next.

Dating in general is emotionally packed.   Forgetting about RW for now = date local women instead.

I feel that over the next 6-12 months, dating a local woman would provide far more distraction and disruption to both of our lives.  My dating life would be far more visible to my son if I were dating local women.

At least with a local woman you can juggle a bit at the last moment.. have a bit of flexibility.

When you are holding tickets worth thousands of dollars with a son that is crying because he wants to be with you it's a totally different story.

Over that same time span, an LTR has almost no visibility to my son.  And even if I email and call the woman every day, still nothing like time spent on a relationship with a woman who lives a few miles away.

The time spent with a local woman would be shared with your son I would think.  This is a plus.  With a LTR the 'no visibility' factor is a minus IMHO..  Hey! here is my new partner.. like it or not she is here to stay whether you like her or not.

One thing is for certain....I am ready to meet new people.  My heart is stronger than ever before and I have no fear to share it.  I have come out of my experience a wiser and more compassionate human. 

What is it that attracts you to RW all of a sudden?  Is that the only solution?  Aren't you kinda getting 'locked in' to something you have absolutely no experience in?.. Think they call that 'putting all your eggs in one basket'..

At this point, the heartache of divorce is over 18 months old and I am totally over it emotionally as well as financially.  If I was cruel, I would have told my ex to leave 18 months ago when she originally told me she wanted a divorce.  But I didnt want her to struggle financially so I allowed her to take the time needed to properly prepare herself.  She was a roommate for a long time before she left.  No sex, no affection, no romance, nothing! And the 18 months felt like 18 years!

Now that she finally has left (2 months ago) I am ecstatic to move forward and start meeting new people and building my new life!

Nothing wrong with that!.. but does it really have to be halfway around the planet?

No worries, I honestly feel I have my head screwed on right and there is no way my kid is going to suffer as result of his dad looking to enrich his life.

Please, please remember these words.  Evaluate 'his'..  and remember that between 4 and 10 are probably the most formative years of his life, and where your parental influence and values are most required and relevant.

I'm really not trying to talk you out of this venture, but instead trying to keep you from talking yourself into it.. LOL