Need advice on winning my girl back.

[Rattlehead]

Privet All,

Things went wrong for me in a very new relationship with a beautiful young Ukrainian lady and I am determined to win her back.  I need some advice about how to proceed and I would greatly appreciate the opinions of the Ukrainian and Russian ladies on this board.  I'm 29 years old and the lady's age is 25.  I met her in Ukraine after I had made all my travel arrangements to visit Kiev and St. Petersburg before returning to the US to take a promising job offer.  I met her just before I left.  I'm back in the US now.

In September I met her, in Ukraine, at a restaurant by chance.  Two days later on the day that I left that city we met there again and we talked.  She speaks English but is shy about it.  She understands me very well in person, and I understand her very well when she speaks English (I speak Russian very poorly).  We were both interested in seeing each other again so I invited her to go to Kiev with me.  I left that night (Wednesday), and she waited until Friday and then went to Kiev and spent two days with me there.  We had such a good time that I invited her to come to St. Petersburg with me.  She went home for about a week and then flew to SPb and spent four days with me there.  I, of course, paid for her ticket because I'm the man and I believe that's what's right.  When she went home everything was fine and we agreed to keep in touch.  We talked on the phone every two days when I got back to the US.  But then quite suddenly (less than two weeks after I returned to the US) she stopped talking to me.  I realized that something was wrong.  I emailed her and she sent a response telling me quite casually that she no longer wanted to talk to me because it was difficult to communicate on the phone and she needed dictionaries to write messages and this frustrated and irritated her.  She also mentioned how it didn't make sense to continue because I was so far away and she didn't know when I was coming back (I promised to in January).  She said she doesn't want to live in America (I think she misunderstood that I went back here for a promising job offer  that I got before I met her and that I don't want to stay here to live).  I was very disappointed and hurt.  What upset me the most was how quickly she gave up, and how cold and emotionless her message seemed.  I wondered how someone could give up so easily and write such a message if they ever cared for me to begin with, so I questioned if she was only pretending to care for me, and then I wondered why someone would do that, and the only reason I could think of was to get a free trip and a few gifts that I gave her.  So I was rather quick to write an email back basically accusing her of doing this.  She said that I was wrong and I must not care for her if I could say that (but I think it's obvious that I was so upset because I cared for her).  She also said that she hated me now.  I was very upset but I tried to forget about her.

The trouble is that I can't forget about her.  There was so much about her, like her personality, beliefs and opinions that made her perfect for me.  The more I thought about it, I began to consider that perhaps she didn't mean for her letter to sound so cold and emotionless.  Perhaps it seemed that way because she used an online translator to write it.  Maybe she was sad about her decision but thought it was best to avoid feeling worse in the future.  And maybe she didn't mean for her letter to seem so cold but it did because of the translator, like I said.  Maybe there's more to it, maybe she met someone else, I don't know.  However, I know that I need to find out.  I want to move back to Ukraine anyway, (it's just a matter of me finding a good job over there--if anyone has any ideas let me know!), and we were able to communicate quite well in person.  If there's any chance to fix things with her I want to apologize for what I said and go back to communicating with her.  I'll try to write mostly in Russian if she wants that.
I came up with a plan to change her heart (at least enough to talk to me as a friend again) which I would like your opinion on (as Ukrainian and Russian women).  I have no mailing address for her home or job to send her flowers and a letter, so I thought of a way to send flowers and a letter without knowing this.  I asked my friend if he could pay (with money I will send him) for some services at a beauty salon (like hair, nails, massage) for her.  And then the salon girl would call her mobile phone and tell her that through market research they randomly selected her phone number and she's won these free services at the salon.  The salon girl would make an appointment with her and on the day of her appointment I would have 11 (or should it be 15?) roses delivered to the salon for her with my letter.  After her salon treatments she would be presented with the bouquet of roses and my letter and she would know that it was a gift from me.  The letter isn't very romantic.  Rather than try to rekindle our romance right away I decided to just ask for her forgiveness for what I said and resume communications.  I think that this might make her realize that I really do care.  My friend who has offered to help me with this has a PayPal account and so do I, so I can send the money to pay for all of this.

One of my friends here thinks that I should keep it more casual and just send my letter in an email (which his Ukrainian wife translated into Russian for me).  He thinks being too romantic at this point may scare her away.  I certainly agreed with him as much to make the letter less romantic than I would normally be inclined to.  Last week, out of the blue, she sent me an email simply expressing that she felt the same as I told her I would about the result of the US Presidential election.  A few weeks ago she wouldn't answer my emails at all anymore.  I guess this means that she wouldn't mind talking with me.  I haven't responded yet.  I'm not sure what to say.  What do you think?  Should I go the casual route and just send my letter in an email, or should I be more romantic and give her this gift as a gesture to show that I care?

It's been over a week since she emailed me.  I want to send her something soon.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you!

--Rattlehead

[kievstar]

What work skills do you have?  I maybe able to get you several interviews.  Also, what city does this girl live in?  How is your language skills in Ukraine or Russian?

Most women in Ukraine never want to leave their country so I think finding the job in her city and than dating her like a normal girl.  Things will work out for you.

You can PM if you want.   I have worked in Kiev before.

[docetae]

Sorry to say that but you will look as a looser and weak with this strategy..There is big probabilities she has a Ukrainian boyfriend. No ukrainian women I know who have feeling for a man will "drop" him if this is not him who want it. And in this last case she will be cold as you describe.

The best advise is to keep this good time in memory and to look for a woman who will really love you. Remember, love is free and does not need to be bought by gifts. You will understand the difference when you will live it .

[Vaughn]

I came up with a plan to change her heart ....... the salon girl would call her mobile phone and tell her that through market research they randomly selected her phone number and she's won these free services at the salon.

NOT a good plan, Rattlehead - in fact, it's manipulative. It might not be possible (or even wise) to
change her heart - although her e-mail sounded dry and unemotional, she DID state a few viable
objections that she found communications frustrating and irritating - not with YOU personally, but
with a foreign man in general.

Your persistence is admirable, and it could win out if managed with common sense. It also could
very well lead you deeper into resentment and hurt. Many men here have advised countless times
we find a woman who excites us - shouldn't we also be exciting to the woman?

[Lily]

NOT a good plan, Rattlehead - in fact, it's manipulative. It might not be possible (or even wise) to
change her heart - although her e-mail sounded dry and unemotional, she DID state a few viable
objections that she found communications frustrating and irritating - not with YOU personally, but
with a foreign man in general.

Your persistence is admirable, and it could win out if managed with common sense. It also could
very well lead you deeper into resentment and hurt. Many men here have advised countless times
we find a woman who excites us - shouldn't we also be exciting to the woman?

I agree with Vaughn - don't do it Rattlehead please! Attraction never results from gratitude. Attraction can never be earned, remember.

Some people can be gained back, some cannot. We cannot tell anything more meaningful as we have no idea on what is going in her mind. From her words, it looks like she does not want a foreigner alltogether.

As far as for her words being cold, well, this is the way people talk to the people who they don't care about..Would you really need someone on your side who does not give a damn about you, whatever gorgeous she may be?

I feel very much with you Rattlehead. If it is you on the avatar, then I must say, you have wonderful lips

[Rattlehead]

Kievstar, I sent you a PM, thanks!

Docetae,

As I said, and as my friend's Ukrainian wife agreed, it's more than probable that the message seemed so cold due to her not speaking English well and possibly using online translators and/or dictionaries to write her message.  Yes, it's possible she has (or had all of the time) a Ukrainian boyfriend.  If that's so then she is not the type of person I thought she was nor the type that I want.  But I can hardly just assume that she does either.  Also, like I said, I think she misunderstands me about where I wish to live.  She said she doesn't want to live in America and I'm not sure if she realizes that neither do I.  She knows that I came back to America for a new job and when talking about continuing our relationship I had mentioned the possibility of her coming to live with me here because I didn't know how long I would live here.  However, I never meant to imply that I intended to live here permanently.  So she may have broke it off because she felt it was futile to continue a relationship with a man who was living in another country believing that neither of us would move to the other's country.  Due to the misunderstandings that I believe may have occurred I can't say that she had no feelings for me simply because of how quickly she "dropped" me.  But that is how I reacted in a rather knee-jerk way though. 

I didn't have the feeling that she was seeking gifts at the time, all that I bought her I offered to buy her.  I didn't feel like I was "buying" love.  Maybe I was manipulated, but maybe I wasn't.  I need to find out.  Why is sending a gift with a note saying that I'm sorry for what I said because maybe there was a misunderstanding weak?  Why would that make me look like a loser?  Don't women like a little bit of romance?  Hasn't virtually every man on this board sent gifts and done things a little bit above-and-beyond average due to the tremendous distance and difficulties?

I don't know, it felt pretty real at the time.  That doesn't mean it was, but it's worth some expense and trouble for me to find out.  I have many and very stringent criteria for a prospective wife and she met all of them.  That's never happened before.  Everything felt right.  Maybe it wasn't but maybe it was.  I appreciate your advice to just let it go, and perhaps you are right.  However I wasn't asking whether I should persue her or not, but rather how.  I've already decided that I will, I just need a plan.  If it costs me $100, or $200 to find out that you are right, then that's okay.  I'd rather spend the money than go through the rest of my life wondering what might have been.

So if anyone else thinks I should just let it go, I appreciate that, but that's not what I'm asking.  Perhaps I should, but it can't hurt just to check on that possibility that she was frustrated and I completely screwed up what would be difficult enough to fix without my insulting her.

[Rattlehead]

NOT a good plan, Rattlehead - in fact, it's manipulative. It might not be possible (or even wise) to
change her heart - although her e-mail sounded dry and unemotional, she DID state a few viable
objections that she found communications frustrating and irritating - not with YOU personally, but
with a foreign man in general.

Your persistence is admirable, and it could win out if managed with common sense. It also could
very well lead you deeper into resentment and hurt. Many men here have advised countless times
we find a woman who excites us - shouldn't we also be exciting to the woman?

Vaughn I really don't understand your post.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the input that you all are giving, it takes time and effort to make posts.  My plan may not be good, but I don't think the word manipulative is the right word.  Doing something nice for someone because you care is not manipulative.  And yes, it might not be possible to change her heart, but what do you mean it may not be wise?  If there was something real there then how would it not be wise?  It would benefit both of us.  Nothing can be more wise.  She stated viable objections to communicating long distance, not in person which is what I want--I said I want to move there.  She misunderstands where I want to live.  We had surprisingly little difficulty communicating in person.

If you see the possibility of my persistence winning out if managed with common sense, then how would you advise me to direct my persistence and how would I manage it with common sense?  I don't know, I'm too sentimental and romantic for the modern world, I belong in the middle ages.  But I do know that even if there's a one percent chance that I can fix things then it's worth making the effort (and expense if necessary) to reestablish communication.  It could be depressing but not knowing is worse.  I don't think excitement was the problem.  She sure seemed excited in person, I think the initial problem was distance and the belief that I wouldn't be coming back.  Then I went and complicated it further.  But, again, if you wouldn't attempt to reestablish communication in this way, how would you?  Just roll the dice and send an email?

[Jack]

she sent a response telling me quite casually that she no longer wanted to talk to me

how quickly she gave up, and how cold and emotionless her message seemed. 
I wondered how someone could give up so easily and write such a message if they ever cared for me

She also said that she hated me now.

I decided to just ask for her forgiveness

It's been over a week since she emailed me. 

Well, as Dandy Don Meredith would say,....Turn out the lights, the party's over.    As is this relationship.

It's just a matter of time before you realize it Rattlehead.

[OlgaH]

  So I was rather quick to write an email back basically accusing her of doing this.  She said that I was wrong and I must not care for her if I could say that (but I think it's obvious that I was so upset because I cared for her).  She also said that she hated me now. 

Yes, you were too hasty with your email  If she wanted to break up with you, you gave her a chance and good reason    she will not feel guilty, and you now do...

Honestly, I think if she would be sincerely interested in you she would never said that she hated you.

There is always a chance and of course you can try to win her heart again ( if she ever had her heart for you), but just try to keep you good sense, don't blind yourself with hopes and don't close your eyes if you will notice her manipulative behavior.

Good luck     

[viking]

If I recall properly were not the guy who wanted to teach ESL classes in Russia? Did we meet out on LI? Or do I have you confused with someone else?

[Rattlehead]

I agree with Vaughn - don't do it Rattlehead please! Attraction never results from gratitude. Attraction can never be earned, remember.

Some people can be gained back, some cannot. We cannot tell anything more meaningful as we have no idea on what is going in her mind. From her words, it looks like she does not want a foreigner alltogether.

As far as for her words being cold, well, this is the way people talk to the people who they don't care about..Would you really need someone on your side who does not give a damn about you, whatever gorgeous she may be?

I feel very much with you Rattlehead. If it is you on the avatar, then I must say, you have wonderful lips

Thank you also for your reply Lily!  Congratulations, you are the first woman to respond!  :-)

I don't think attraction is the issue, there was plenty of attraction on both sides.  I don't think not wanting a foreigner is the problem either.  I just think it's the long-distance communication.  Like I said, the letter seemed cold possibly because of the language barrier.  Either she wrote it in English with the help of a dictionary or she wrote it in Russian and put it through an online translator.  Either way she would have wrote in simple sentences which are not conducive to emotional subtleties, and the translator always makes everything cold and robotic.  I made a hasty judgement that she was being cold and didn't give a damn, but come to think of it, it's impossible for it to sound good coming from an online translator, so the coldness of it doesn't mean anything conclusive.  I mentioned it because it is what made me upset at the time before I considered it carefully.

As far as her being beautiful...I dated many beautiful girls while I was in Ukraine and Russia, that's not the point.  The point is how well our personalities and beliefs complemented each other.  This was all in person and although she was breaking up with me, I don't think I can judge her motivations or feelings based on one online translator-generated letter.

Does anyone have any other advice for me other than essentially, "give up?"  Or am I wasting my time asking here? 

PS: That's not me in the Avatar, it's the actor Robert Duval.

[Rattlehead]

Well, as Dandy Don Meredith would say,....Turn out the lights, the party's over.    As is this relationship.

It's just a matter of time before you realize it Rattlehead.

Jack I appreciate you taking the time to post, but you just took several lines of a long post out of context and reached a simple conclusion to a complex problem.  Does no one read my posts carefully?

1. Maybe she was casual, but maybe it appeared so due to the BAD TRANSLATION.

My friends Ukrainian wife guarantee that her letter did not express what she wanted to say accurately, that is to say the nuance.  Yes, it expressed that she wanted to end things, but coldness and casualness is a nuance of language that I think we can all agree is not effectively translated by online translators or the practice of constructing a sentence word by word using a dictionary.  Why is my friend's Ukrainian wife so sure that something was lost in translation but everyone else here is ignoring the language barrier here?  My friend's wife has lived in the US for about 7 years and has been married to her American husband for I think 5 years or something.  She speaks English completely fluently but says that they still sometimes have arguments because she says something in English the way she would say it in Russian and it comes out totally offensive.  Considering all of this, I think there is a HUGE possibility that she didn't mean to be cold or casual.

2. Like I said, perhaps she gave up so quickly because she was protecting herself emotionally.  She mistakenly believed that I am planning to stay in America so she's trying to be practical.  It's frustrating but doesn't automatically mean that she had no feelings for me.

3. She said she hated me AFTER I essentially called her a whore (without using that word).  This was based on what I feel is quite probably a misunderstanding.  Maybe I'm wrong.  If so then I was right when I said that.  If not then I can apologize as people do when they say something that hurts someone they care for.  Relationships have been fixed after much bigger arguments than that (that WEREN'T based on a misunderstanding).

4. I want to ask her to forgive me for what I said to her because I think I made a mistake based on the BAD TRANSLATION and my anger and hasty reaction.  If I'm right about that then I owe her an apology.  If I'm not then she's not going to react to my contacting her favorably anyway and I have my answer.  But anyone who can't apologize when they are wrong has no business seeking a relationship.

5. Again, I wish people would carfully read my posts.  It's been a week since she emailed me of her own volition, completely unsolicited, to say something to me completely unrelated to our argument without saying anything unfriendly to me.  Maybe it isn't as good of a sign as I hope in my heart, but maybe it is.  Maybe it's somewhere in between good and bad.  And maybe she's waiting for me to respond.

If you think that I'm barking up the wrong tree then tell me that it's a long shot and that I should just email the letter as there's nothing to lose there.  But if you have no constructive criticisms but just flippant remarks and pop culture references that I'm guessing I'm just too young to get, then just don't post please.  I know it's a long shot.  That's not what I'm asking.  Think of it this way:  I'm a general about to attack my enemy.  I'm asking you for strategies of attack, I'm not asking you whether I should attack at all or not.  That's already been decided.  The question is, should I drop a few bombs in one sortie or should I go in with a full-scale invasion?

[Misha]

A few comments. Let's say, hypothetically that it is all a problem of translation. That is possible, but my question is how long it will take for you to become fluent in her language or her to become fluent in yours. Given that she does not want to live in the United States, that means you will have to become fluent in Russia. How good are you with languages? You speak some Russian, but it will take months, maybe a year or more before you can actually have a real conversation with her. It won't be easy.

Also, she says that she does not want to live in the United States. Are you ready to live in another country all of your life? Would you be willing to immigrate? And, I don't mean spending a few years as an expat knowing full well you can leave. Would you be willing to live in Ukraine or Russia, have children there, and then grow old and die there?

[Rattlehead]

Yes, you were too hasty with your email  If she wanted to break up with you, you gave her a chance and good reason    she will not feel guilty, and you now do...

Honestly, I think if she would be sincerely interested in you she would never said that she hated you.

There is always a chance and of course you can try to win her heart again ( if she ever had her heart for you), but just try to keep you good sense, don't blind yourself with hopes and don't close your eyes if you will notice her manipulative behavior.

Good luck     

Thank you for your response Olga.  You're only the second woman to reply.

Yes, I was too hasty, and I feel terrible about it.  But she only said she hated me after I basically called her a whore (but didn't use that word).  I just hope that she did have feelings for me and that's why my accusation provoked such an angry response.  As long as that is the case and I can explain and she can forgive me then there's a chance.  I know it's a long-shot but it's worth looking into (why do so few people see that here?).

Thank you for your positive attitude, I plan to find out if there is anything in her heart for me (and if there was, then explaining the problems with the translation and apology should bring it back).  But how do I go about doing this Olga?  Would you be pleased with a man who went through all the trouble and expense that I describe in my proposed plan, or would you be more impressed by the calm coolness of just sending an email without any bells and whistles?

So far several people have said "give up" even though the minimum, sending an email, doesn't cost anything, and can't make my situation any worse.  And a couple people have said that there's a chance, but no one has really said, "If you're going to do this, here's how..."

I don't know if I had anything real with her, but I feel like I did.  There's a chance that I'm right and a chance that I'm wrong.  I've decided that I want to find out.  So, I must behave with the assumption that she's NOT a cold-hearted bitch, but the type of girl that I think she is and want her to be, and who had true feelings for me, and who hopefully deep down still does although she's angry with me.

So, with so many uncertainties let's assume:
1. She had true feelings for me.
2. She did what she did out of practicality, emotional self-protection, and misunderstanding of my plans of where I wanted to live (not cold-heartedness or being uncaring as condition #1 precludes).
3. She said she hated me out of anger for what I accused her of, but still has lingering feelings for me, of which her recent email is a possible manifestation (a desire to speak to me yet).

These are assumptions to be sure, but I have to operate on them (it's called giving the benefit of the doubt) to proceed.  If I assume the opposite of those three things then there's nothing left to do, it's over.  But those would be equally assumptions.

SO HERE'S THE QUESTION (and I can't make it any more simple than this):

LADIES: IF you were in this girl's situation, what course of action on my part would please you?  Would you be more receptive to something more romantic like flowers, or would a simple email be more your style?

[Jack]

Rattlehead, I did read your post very carefully, not once, not twice, but three times. I really do not think I took anything out of contents, I made note of exactly what you wrote. Just highlighted the dreadfully honest, cold statements you mentioned.

Rattlehead, we will talk about this in a few months from now. Maybe you will laugh about it then when what has happened to you will be able to be seen more clearly then than what you are/were hoping to see today.  I think you really don't want to accept what is happening.  I suspect you will need to learn all this on your own and their's nothing wrong with that, this whole pursuit is a learning process.

[Rattlehead]

Jack, my whole point is that there are a lot of uncertainties here and all I'm looking to do is to reestablish communication to find out where the truth lies in each of those uncertainties.  I don't think that's unreasonable at all.  And frankly it surprises me how many here--on a forum devoted to men going around the world in pursuit of that special lady--are so quick to essentially say, "forget it, there's no chance, don't even bother sending an email."

What I meant about out of context is that you're highlighting statements in my email without acknowledging the context of doubt and uncertainty that each was made in.  And how some were stated as impressions that I had which are obviously effected by the circumstances of translation and whatnot.  If my friend and his wife still have arguments due to mistranslation then it is entirely possible that that note did not read the way she intended it to.  It seems foolhardy to me to continue to just take it on face-value and not even put the puny effort of sending an email to find out what she's really thinking and restart dialog (if the desire is there on her part).

The question is: email or flowers?  Or some third choice (aside from "give up") that I haven't thought of?

Jack, I know you're a good guy, I just think you missed a lot of points I made and therefore didn't fully understand the situation as I explained it, that's all.

--Rat

[Rattlehead]

A few comments. Let's say, hypothetically that it is all a problem of translation. That is possible, but my question is how long it will take for you to become fluent in her language or her to become fluent in yours. Given that she does not want to live in the United States, that means you will have to become fluent in Russia. How good are you with languages? You speak some Russian, but it will take months, maybe a year or more before you can actually have a real conversation with her. It won't be easy.

Also, she says that she does not want to live in the United States. Are you ready to live in another country all of your life? Would you be willing to immigrate? And, I don't mean spending a few years as an expat knowing full well you can leave. Would you be willing to live in Ukraine or Russia, have children there, and then grow old and die there?

Misha, thanks for your response.
I can have simple conversations in Russian, but I am quite determined to become fluent.  I did take classes and study Russian for an entire year before going to Russia and Ukraine.  Very few people do that.  I'm confident that given enough lessons/classes and enough time in a Russian-speaking country that I can become conversationally fluent.  And I have a CELTA certificate, I can teach her English, and besides verbally, she's quite good, she just isn't used to writing in English.  On the phone was more difficult too, but in person we had very little difficulty and we communicated mostly in English.  If we were together for an extended period I'm sure she could help me learn Russian as a supplement to classes/lessons and immersion.

As far as living in another country, before I met her I had already made the decision that I wanted to live in another country for the rest of my life.  My first two choices are Ukraine and Russia.  I feel way more of a sense of belonging in Ukraine and Russia than in the US.  I said in another post that I belong in a different century, and I belong in a different country too.  I was never meant to live in America.  I simply came back here to earn some money to save to make a full transition there easier.  This employment arrangement was also made before I met her.  I'm positive that she misunderstands how long I plan to stay in America.  I think she believes that I plan to live here permanently.  And as far as children, I would ONLY have children if I could raise them in another country other than the US, so that's also no problem.  I decided that long ago as well. 

This all reminds me, does anyone have any ideas on gainful employment for an American with low Russian language (and no Ukrainian language) skills in Ukraine?  I want to live there regardless of what happens with this girl.



Okay, that's enough for tonight, I need to get some sleep.  Thank you all, I'll check back here tomorrow.

--Rat

[Ade]

Rattle,

well, unlike some others I don't think that her "cold" rejection email is necessarily a sign that she no longer cares; some women are able to switch off their feelings to some extent in order to stop being hurt. These long distance relationships can be tough on people's emotions and even tougher on someone that is not interested in moving.

I agree that you should forget about the salon gift thing. If you really want to rekindle this relationship, assuming it's possible after your email, I would apologise unreservedly for your comments and just try to start talking with her again. Try to explain to her that you do not intend to stay in the US and what your ideas are of the future. Try to make her understand that you would be willing to move to her country and learn her language to be with her and commit to a visit very soon if she agrees to it.

If you still get nothing positive from her then it's time to move on.

[Ooooops]

Things went wrong for me in a very new relationship with a beautiful young Ukrainian lady and I am determined to win her back.  I need some advice about how to proceed and I would greatly appreciate the opinions of the Ukrainian and Russian ladies on this board. 

Well, I'd advise that girl to run as fast as she can and never look back, because if guy uses quote ""I love the smell of napalm in the morning..." as his daily motto than he just can't be good (even if this quote is from the classic Apocalypse Now)...

[Ooooops]

3. She said she hated me AFTER I essentially called her a whore (without using that word). 

What a beautiful courtship!   Modern day Romeo & Juliette!   

P.S.   Frankly, I don't believe your posts are for real.   

[BC]

I think here we have a good example in which dating is mixed up with exclusive relationship.

[docetae]

Rattlehead, it seems you are posting here not to have advise or answer, but to find someone who will agree with you.

Even if this is a translation software, if she has some feeling, she will told you about them. Honestly, I have never seen a woman who was really loving a man who was cold with him.

But after what you said to her, even if you don't use the word, forget about her. You have touched her pride and there is no ticket back. The only thing you can do if you want to have no regrets is to write letter to her with help from a professional translator and to fly back to her and give it to her in her hand. But you must expect the answer to be brutal and painful.

[GoodOlBoy]

Rattlehead, I think you might be in a "fog" right now about this lady. But, IMHO this relationship is over. You can't "win" her back, trust me. When you sent her that e-mail, "the only reason I could think of was to get a free trip and a few gifts that I gave her.  So I was rather quick to write an email back basically accusing her of doing this" you burned all bridges. Honestly, she probably has a Ukrainian boyfriend.

When you told her you were coming back to see her in January 2009 (in just a month or so) she would have started to make plans to introduce you to her family and friends, IF she was serious about you. Take everybody's advice on this forum and just MOVE ON.

[Gator]

In September I met her, in Ukraine, at a restaurant by chance. 

Women listed with an agency or on a dating site are motivated to meet Western men.  Your woman was not motivated.  Her meeting you was probably something new, it seemed like fun, so why not try it.

She met you a couple of times for short trips.  And what happened?

she sent a response telling me quite casually that she no longer wanted to talk to me because it was difficult to communicate on the phone and she needed dictionaries to write messages and this frustrated and irritated her.  She also mentioned how it didn't make sense to continue because I was so far away ....  She said she doesn't want to live in America ....

Each of these three is a logical reason to not continue a long-distance relationship when she has plenty of choices in her own city.  Maybe the trips with you were fun, but not something she wants to repeat. 

You were upset and then called her a "vacation whore" even though this was not her pattern.  To the contrary, she was honest.  A "vacation whore" would have milked you for a couple of trips to holiday resorts.

She said that I was wrong and I must not care for her if I could say that (but I think it's obvious that I was so upset because I cared for her).  She also said that she hated me now. 

She is a good girl! 

-  RW/UW have an overabundance of pride.  You have insulted her. 

-  RW/UW do not easily forgive when insulted.

-  RW/UW have long memories;  things could never be the same. 

As Jack said, the party is over.

The trouble is that I can't forget about her. 

"No" means no.  And based on your rationalization and devious plot, you sound like someone who does not accept "no."  Maybe she saw through you during your two trips, and this is an unlisted reason for her deciding not to continue the relationship. 

You have destroyed any chances you had with this woman.  You must treat a RW/UW like a lady.  Learn from your mistakes.  Do not repeat them. 

[Jack]

Rattlehead, it seems you are posting here not to have advise or answer, but to find someone who will agree with you.

And he did,..... SeriouslyJaded.