Culture shock.

[HiTech]

Any ones wife or woman on this board not have culture shock? Or if you did have, how long after arriving the it first set in?

Dale

[Kuna]

Dale,

My wifes adjustment was (seemed) remarkably smooth right from the moment she stepped off the plane.

On her second night in Oz I had a business function I had to go to and she came along, and charmed everyone she met.  Weeks went by, and then months, and the adjustment to life here was smooth and seamless.  Firstly building relationships with my family, including and being included by my friends, arranging our wedding, making new contacts of her own.

She arrived in October, we married late November.  She fell pregnant in January, our son arrived in October.  It's been a whirlwind ride and almost at all times my wife has seemed in control.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago when the subject of her adjustment came up and basically these were her observations:

1. Initially (the few few weeks) everything was a blur.  She really had no idea what was going on but she said she knew if she kept working hard at "important things" everything would be OK.  She says, literally, she does not remember arriving or the first day or so... she remembers the work function but doesn't remember anyone she met.

2. She admitted at times soon after her arrival everything seemed daunting to her... but again she said she knew it was important to "just be calm and things would work out".  She'd settled in Germany for 2 years studying previously so she knew the adjustment phase would be there...  but I was surprised to hear how daunting basic things were (like getting the ferry into the city, or finding her way around while shopping).

She said when in the city alone she was "frightened" at times... but not frightened because of feeling in danger.  She was frightened she would get lost and have to call me for help - she didn't want to disturb me over "small things".  (This hurt actually as I would have taken more time off if I knew she was unsure - but in hindsight I think she had to find her own way too).

3. Missing home - my wife said she wasn't missing home... and still says she isn't missing home...  but I know she thinks of her family and friends very often.  She says she's totally happy in her new life and happy living in Aus (many reasons) but I can't help but notice obvious signs as they come up.  Since arriving she has stayed in touch with several friends and family via email and phone, but a few weeks ago she finally went out and bought a webcam.  Well, let me tell you the conversions were entirely different via webcam than phone... and I know she misses her friends.  The way she talks and communicates via webcam is just the same as those nights with her friends around the kitchen table...  It was truly beautiful to see.


In closing,  if your wife isn't showing signs of the culture shock or adjustment phase I'd encourage you to continue to be supportive because she will most likely be feeling unsettled deep down for a while yet.  With my wife I found it important to be supportive BUT to let her do things her way... even letting her make her own mistakes.  Sheeesh, we broke so many kitchen appliances and mangled so many forks and tea spoons in the garbage disposal before she sorted it out I couldn't count... but I sensed "teaching her" would humiliate her.

Your wife may be strong - or she may be appearing strong.  She may seem indifferent - or she may be indifferent.  Still, the change for her is huge and I believe the best ting we can do, as husbands, is be supportive and understanding.  Be there when they need us but let them make things their way.

Congrats by the way.

Kuna

[BC]

I was surprised to find that culture had very little to do with it.  We could have been in Timbuktu and I would remain the 'shock' factor.

[GoodOlBoy]

HiTech, some advise I got years ago on another RW forum "keep her busy".

I don't mean cooking and cleaning either.

I got my wife a bicycle from Walmart (took 6 mos. for drivers license) . I got my wife a YMCA/YWCA  monthly membership. Got her a library card. Come to find out there was free ESOL classes at the library. etc. etc.

The big thing is keep her occupied with something to do. Do not let her sit around.

My wife eventually got involved with the neighborhood homeless animals. Even now where she works, she takes food everyday for the homeless cat's around her office building. She enjoys feeding them at lunchtime.

Don't worry, everything will be OK.

Just invest as much time and support as you can with your RW, it WILL pay off in the long run.

[Dave13]

HiTech, My wife Anna had no problems with culture shock, but she is fluent in English.

Dave

[Gator]

Hitech,

You will also experience some adjustment shock.  Never been married and now married to a UW.  :hairraising:

Just make sure you internalize your adjustment pains and try to do everything to make her feel as if you would climb any mountain to help her. 

You may even have brief periods when you feel that you were insane to have done this.  Just like too much wasabi, it will go away quickly.   She is more frustrated than you; so bite your tongue and think only of her.

Looking back, my wife had few adjustment pains.  Everything went smoothly as she was driving within a month.  That is key - give her mobility with a GPS system.

[mendeleyev]

My wife had done a lot of international travel before so she adjusted well.  There are cultural differences which caused bumps in the road, but in my view the biggest are ways in thinking (worldview) and language.  She also "spoke English" too however I've learned to discount a lot of that.  A second langauge is deceiving because we think she understands it because she speaks it and if we don't speak a second language ourselves we fail to understand how much understanding ability lags behind speaking ability in humans.

And as one wise poster said, I echo the fact that she had to adjust to me!  I at the same time had to adjust to living with her mother since we married and lived in Russia at first.  And in that context my Russian speaking ability was also much further ahead of my understanding ability. 

[John K]

My wife had a really hard time of it, for some reason.  Well, a lot of it was me, I'll admit.  I'm not the easiest person to live with...

For us to survive, my wife took a lot of trips home, for months at a time.  It wasn't easy on us, but because I gave her the freedom to go home, it took a lot of stress off of her to adapt so quickly.  Over time, she adapted and has made the US her home for good.

I agree with what was said earlier that you need to keep her busy.  If you don't get her out of the house often, doing something, she'll go stir crazy.  Push her to get her permit as quickly as possible, and get her driving.  Make her drive you everywhere, until she knows how to get places without you telling her.  Once she has her license and the confidence that comes with getting out on her own, it will really empower her and make her accept her life here a lot easier.

Another thing that helps is to turn on closed captioning on your TV.  Marina said that helped with her English immensely, as if she missed what was said, she could at least read it.  It speeded up her comprehension, and built her vocabulary.

The worst part of her adaptation was her socializing, or lack thereof.  She was so paranoid of making a grammatical or vocabulary error, she was afraid to speak.  Once she started modeling though, she learned quickly that being sociable was part of the job.  Talking with the photographers and other models really brought her out of her shell. 

It was finding what she loved and letting her do it, that was the final piece of the puzzle.  Once she started modeling and saw that she was good at it, it was a big ego boost to her and helped ease a lot of her hangups.  When she quits the business to start a different career, the lessons she learned there will be a big help adjusting to her next step in life.

Hope this helps.

8 years and still going strong...

[GoodOlBoy]

That is key - give her mobility with a GPS system.

Hitech,

     Gator touched on something that I COMPLETELY agree with. When your wife gets her car, get her a GPS.

     Awhile back, I purchased one for Marina on the internet from a company called Buy.com. It was a little over $100. This one I purchased is called TomTom.

     Man, I would get PANICKED phone calls from my wife and she would ask me "Where am I?" and "How to get home?". You see we live in Miami and there are parts of Miami you do not want your wife to get out of the car and ask for directions, no way!

     So, Tom Tom to the rescue. She has our home address locked into the memory and this baby will talk her home anytime, anyday from ANYWHERE (USA, Canada, Mexico).

     The voice on Tom Tom kind of drives me crazy, but hey, it works like a charm.

     Trust me this is not a gadget endorsement, buy one for her.

[Jet]

There are a few members here that claim not to have had any culture shock whatsoever, but I honestly don't believe it. Liliya had a difficult time with it starting within about a month of her arrival. As you probably already know, it's not so much a *shock* but something more akin to a lingering depression. As most of the others have stated, get her mind busy, so it isn't dwelling on nostalgic reflections of her past. Even if her English is good, get her into a class, so her life has some purpose and she has some goal to work toward, even if it's only for 6 or 8 weeks. The other thing the class does, is to make her understand that sometimes, the reason she can't understand others is not because she's stupid, but because other people SPEAK BADLY, and wouldn't be understandable even to a native speaker. In our first year together, I'd have to concede that in the first 6 months, Liliya was happiest, when she was attending English classes at the local university 4 days a week. It really helped her get over the whole "stuck in a beautiful jail with nothing to do" mentality.

Also as others have stated, especially now in the first few months, a large part of your life and activity schedule needs to go on hold, in favor of getting her settled in and up to speed.

[HiTech]

Thanks for the help, most things mentioned here I have already done.

The GPS is on hold simply because her biggest problem with her driving now is getting distracted. We had purchased a car and she was driving with in one week. Right now she is just increasing her radius of driving. We have done a 13 hour drive back and forth to Iowa already in which she drove more than 50%, this helped her driving a lot, we are going again next week for Christmas so the GPS may be a good Christmas present before we go for her.

She had not been showing any outward signs of shock, but I have a feeling missing New years in the Ukraine it will start to trigger this week.

Gator: Good advise about the change in single to married.

HiTech

[Diplomacy]

My friend told me to get direct TV and DVR the whole day.  This way she can watch it any time she wants.  Go buy a stuffed red Bull for the New Year.  It is the year of the OX, we should not have a hard time finding cowaphanalia here in DFW.

Have you gone to any of the Russian stores Kiev was talking about in Dallas.  Was just looking for your insight and thoughts if you had been. 

[Dave13]

Something to consider is purchasing a driving class for your lady before she comes to the US.

[groovlstk]

Culture shock or homesickness, whatever you call it there's no avoiding it.

My wife took the edge off hers by watching Russian TV on our PC and hooking up w/Russian women her age in our area. Just last Fri. she went to an arranged restaurant meeting where 200 or so FSU people from the odnoklassniki network met. (For you single guys it's another reason to get hooked into the expat network here in the US - 90% of the attendees were female).

[AnastassiaAsh]

When i came here first, I remember on top of being together with my husband I was on the seventh sky from happiness because i could hear this absolutely cool American speech 24/7 on TV and around me. I was literally glued with my mouth open to the shows, news, ads...everything seemed like in a fairytale, i had to pinch myself several times. My boredom and dislike to everything Russian was forever blissfully covered by everything American - beautiful, colorful, nice, respectable... What culture shock?  I felt like a fish jumping into water after spending all of her life on the soil.

[Ronnie]

Anastassia..  You are refreshingly honest!  Too many let their Russian pride override their true impression of the west and America in particular.  I've lived overseas and eventually fell in love with Italy for instance.  But there is no comparison between Italy and the United States as far as best place to live and I'm being as objective as possible here as someone who loves Italy.

BTW Ana, we say, "in 7th heaven" ("on the seventh sky" is cute though).

I subscribe to the idea that culture shock is greater in those who have little or no English skill before immigrating.  My wife feels like Ana in that she never felt the FSU was her natural home, but she has a language learning problem that is frustrating her and preventing her to feel like she's really at home yet.

[AnastassiaAsh]

Heheh, Ronnie, thanks for the prompt. Yes, it's a totally Russian expression "on the 7th sky", but i have to be cute sometimes with the English language too, you know! 

Also, i am sure it's just the matter of time for your wife to conquer the language. The main thing is to progress in this knowledge and never stop.  And this is what she is doing I am sure you are proud of her and she came a long way.

[Jet]

My boredom and dislike to everything Russian was forever blissfully covered by everything American - beautiful, colorful, nice, respectable... What culture shock?  I felt like a fish jumping into water after spending all of her life on the soil.

Perhaps, this is the crux of the difference. Liliya did NOT dislike everything Russian, and still doesn't. As a matter of fact, Kolya who arrived at 5 years old and has now spent an nearly an equal amount of his life in each country, is in no hurry to discard his Russian roots either. He looks forward with great anticipation to his annual summer vacation back in the motherland, maybe even more so than his mother.

[Gator]

Do not forget that marrying a RW is an opportunity to take the best from both cultures and synthesize them into something gloriously delightful. 

But that takes time, accommodation and change, all under the umbrella of love and respect.

[Ronnie]

Immigrant parents should keep in mind that their children and grandchildren will feel less and less attached to old roots as they set down new ones of their own. 

I know a guy, now in his sixties who was always boasting about his Italian heritage.  Not long ago, his sole surviving parent decided it was time to tell him the truth - he was adopted as a baby. His natural parents were Polish!

We choose to identify with the land of our past or the land of our children's future.  It might make more sense to choose the latter.

[Jet]

We choose to identify with the land of our past or the land of our children's future.  It might make more sense to choose the latter.

Ronnie, I get what you're saying, but it seems to me that this thread is about making that transition. For some, like Annastasia, it might be as easy as getting out of bed in the morning, for others it takes more time to make that identification change. Make no mistake, both Lil and the little guy consider FL home, and they are both fully "plugged in" to American society, but it took some time to make that transition.

I also don't believe it's wrong or dangerous to look back at where you came from with fond memories, or even integrate the good parts into your current life and culture. I've lived in different parts of coastal FL for 25 years now, but have wonderful memories of growing up in rural PA. Would I consider moving back there now? Not on a friggin' bet! That doesn't mean I think the place is bad, it's just not my home anymore.

[Doll]

There are a few members here that claim not to have had any culture shock whatsoever, but I honestly don't believe it.

Me neither. It was not my first time in the USA , I spoke very fluent English and I did drive from day one (had the license) but yet it was a shock. I functioned of course but everything was hard. I  drove, I smiled, I did everything but it was not easy.

[mendeleyev]

I certainly mean no disrespect to the gentleman who suggested driving lessons before a lady arrives.  In our case it's been problematic.  Knowing intimately the differences in driving styles between the FSU and the USA for instance, I had strong doubts.  However my Aya has a strong personality and decided that she wanted to learn there first.  She signed up for about a 12-14 session class of some sort to be completed over 6 weeks or so.

Because of the nature of her career she had to drop most of the classes because of her work travel. I breathed a sigh of relief only to have the driving company call her just days before "graduation" offering her a completed class, and passed license if she' pay some $, which she did.  

Her first, of 3 accidents so far in 2008, was on the way home from buying our first car in Moscow!  I was in the US and received a phone call with this meek little voice (its not normally meek) explaining that she had hit a car, a parked car mind you, and knocked off it's rear bumper.  She had driven home without contacting the other driver and was beside herself and wanting "advice" called good ole husband.  Her cousin, a Moscow police captain, went to contact the other driver and patch things up with some repair $ and whew, that was close.

Her next accident was a week later when driving the car to the repair shop for the first accident!  

During the time it was being fixed she was here for awhile and I decided it time to do some one on one driving lessons. I threw up the white flag of surrender fairly quickly because the differences needed a professional but before we could hire a good service here, she had to return because of her work and it wasn't too long before she had accident (just finder benders thank God) number 3.  And the year isn't over yet.  

I used to have a policy of not driving myself in Russia but lately, she has been handing me the keys and I do when we are together.

[Doll]

have wonderful memories of growing up in rural PA. Would I consider moving back there now? Not on a friggin' bet!

Jet, I live in rural PA now.

[GoodOlBoy]

I certainly mean no disrespect to the gentleman who suggested driving lessons before a lady arrives.  In our case it's been problematic.  Knowing intimately the differences in driving styles between the FSU and the USA for instance, I had strong doubts.  However my Aya has a strong personality and decided that she wanted to learn there first.  She signed up for about a 12-14 session class of some sort to be completed over 6 weeks or so.

Because of the nature of her career she had to drop most of the classes because of her work travel. I breathed a sigh of relief only to have the driving company call her just days before "graduation" offering her a completed class, and passed license if she' pay some $, which she did.  

Her first, of 3 accidents so far in 2008, was on the way home from buying our first car in Moscow!  I was in the US and received a phone call with this meek little voice (its not normally meek) explaining that she had hit a car, a parked car mind you, and knocked off it's rear bumper.  She had driven home without contacting the other driver and was beside herself and wanting "advice" called good ole husband.  Her cousin, a Moscow police captain, went to contact the other driver and patch things up with some repair $ and whew, that was close.

Her next accident was a week later when driving the car to the repair shop for the first accident!  

During the time it was being fixed she was here for awhile and I decided it time to do some one on one driving lessons. I threw up the white flag of surrender fairly quickly because the differences needed a professional but before we could hire a good service here, she had to return because of her work and it wasn't too long before she had accident (just finder benders thank God) number 3.  And the year isn't over yet.  

I used to have a policy of not driving myself in Russia but lately, she has been handing me the keys and I do when we are together.

Mendeleyev, they say bad news comes in three's. Hopefully there will be no more accidents.