Would you or wouldn't you?

[Ravens9273]

I have a question for many here.
As many know I am married and my wife has just rencently joined me in the USA. Everything is going great. She fits right in. My family and friends love her.
Now I have not gone through what others have. My wife is the only FSU Women I have dealt with so I will not try to come off as an expert to many subjects here.
I currently have a friend on the pursuit. He just asked me a question I could not answer and thought I would post it here.

As we know the tradition in USA when one becomes engaged is to present the lady with an engagment ring.
I know in FSU they have different traditions. Some there also will give an engagment ring or some other gift.

What my friend want to know was it a wise idea to present a lady from the FSU with such an expensive gift?

My thoughts instantly went to the many horror stories I seen of failed relationships and wondered myself is such a gift a wise move or should this gift wait until after marriage or once the lady arrives in her new home?

With so many bad stories, with relationships that did not lead to marriage is it worth the lose of such a gift since odds are you will never see it again?

So would you or wouldnt you present an engagment ring or other pricey gift for an engagment?

I am one who entered this with blinders on that never came off. I am just lucky I never walked into any walls on the way. This is question I could not answer for friend.

Loooking for others feedbacks and what they did in this situation.

[SMS60]

He should do what he thinks is right. Dont worry about what you read on these boards.

Look at you, things worked out. There no set way to go about it. Be glad you didnt read all the doom and gloom before you met your wife.

If a lady decides she likes your character, there is little you can do wrong.

[Misha]

I can only relate my experience. In my case, I did not buy my wife an engagement ring. We got married with plain gold bands. Later, she told me that she expected a diamond ring to mark our 3rd anniversary or as a present celebrating the eventual birth of our first child (whichever happens first). I said yes.

So, the moral of the story is that each couple is different.

[ECOCKS]

I gave my wife an engagement ring (from a matched set) when I asked her per my cultural traditions. She wore it only when we were around other westerners (Canadian pub night, dinners at others' flats, evenings out, etc.) or among our Ukrainian family get-togethers where she explained the American tradition of engagement ring first, then the wedding band at the ceremony. She was a little concerned from time to time about wearing it on the metro as "too much" and would slide it off into her purse or into my inside coat pocket.

So, no, I never worried about it.

[Diplomacy]

Has your wife talked to this woman he is interested in?  If so, what are her thoughts about her?  It takes at least 1 person not really committed or a liar for most of the horror stories.

As a friend, I would ask your wife to talk to the woman.  FSUW tend to have very good instincts, it is a matter of what they use them for that can be good or bad.

Sometimes you need to take the easy way.

[Voyageur]

Ravens,

I would tell your friend that if he is planning to bring this woman home to the US, and he is sure about marriage is in his future with this woman, he should buy her the engagement ring when she arrives here.  Even thought this is not a custom in the FSU, his fiancee will soon learn that it is a custom in America and will start to wonder why she is not good enough for such a ring.

This pursuit is not without risk, and in my experience, you have to plan for the best but always be listening to that little voice that should be telling you if something seems right or not.

[SANDRO43]

She was a little concerned from time to time about wearing it on the metro as "too much" and would slide it off into her purse or into my inside coat pocket.

Didn't she consider the simple trick of rotating the ring on her finger 180°, thereby concealing its stone and showing what looks just like a plain band ?

Unless of course it's such a BIG stone that the above could be painful .

[KenC]

Raven,
If the guy doesn't have enough faith in his fiancee to "trust" her with an "expensive" gift, he shouldn't be getting engaged in the first place!KenC

[ECOCKS]

Didn't she consider the simple trick of rotating the ring on her finger 180°, thereby concealing its stone and showing what looks just like a plain band ?

Unless of course it's such a BIG stone that the above could be painful .

The reversed ring would have presented a pretty narrow gold band which didn't look right as well as the stone and setting being a bit awkward under her fist. She experiemnted with it but didn't get a good feeling about it or how it looked even in that position.

[kryten41]

Raven,
If the woman knows any women who have married American men, or has done much research into the subject, she is aware of the tradition of the engagement ring.  My suggestion is that he should be prepared to give her one, but to discuss it with her.  

[Doll]

My suggestion is that he should be prepared to give her one, but to discuss it with her. 

Discuss what?

[ECOCKS]

Discuss what?

Discuss whether she would like the western traditional engagement ring or not.

[Daveman]

(groaning wildly.. suppressing my De Beers tirade... okay.. all better now)


Well, if the relationship hadn't bitten the dust, I'd be there about now having given her the ring on March 7 (the one year anniv of our first face to face meeting).  We actually ended relations as I was shopping for rings so I guess I could say I got lucky there in a way.

If the relationship would have gone sour afterward, I really wouldn't care or have a second thought about the "lost ring".  Cost of playing the game.  She could keep it, use the stone to make something else, or sell it and use the money for something else.  It would have been hers to do whatever with.  I'm not advocating arbitrarily pissing money out the window, but I must say, if a guy is worried about losing money in this, then IMO, he is in it for absolutely all the wrong reasons.  There is no monetary value to be placed on a good woman (treasure) of any nationality or a blue light special bargain bin.  If your friend is afraid of losing money, he should stay at home.  I travel, stay, and date in a cost effective manner -- but every dime spent is just part of the process and I don't sweat it.

Now here's the kicker.  We had a bit of the "ring" discussion before as to whether she wanted one or not, and she told me it was stupid, that love isn't about a ring, it is about souls (now, if I could have just persuaded her to say "I HATE De Beers!!" I would have had an orgasm on the spot)...  I was going to buy the ring anyway because my intention was to bring her here -- where all other married/engaged ladies would have a ring.  I didn't want her to later feel left out. She could choose to wear it or not, but she would have it.

Sooooo, I would have done it, yes.  But your friend needs to just go with his heart and do what he thinks is best in his situation.

[Ade]

Discuss whether she would like the western traditional engagement ring or not.

We did the same; after I read that there's no current tradition of engagement rings in the FSU I sat my fiancée down and we discussed the pros and cons of getting a ring. We decided to go out shopping for one together and she chose the ring that she liked. FWIW guys, don't assume a woman wants a huge stone on her finger, at least some, like my fiancée, prefer a ring that doesn't look like a huge carbuncle.

[Doll]

Discuss whether she would like the western traditional engagement ring or not.

You're kidding me! She sure would.
Like what? "Honey, would you mind an engagement ring?" Nobody minds, trust me 

[Doll]

Now here's the kicker.  We had a bit of the "ring" discussion before as to whether she wanted one or not, and she told me it was stupid,

Seems like she was lying. Orgasm is not vs a ring  .
What "happened" to me ( about ring  )- J. told me about this tradition, we went shopping, I picked the ring I liked with one stipulation- not more than ...
" Honey, I am  not crazy to spent big bucks on the engagement ring so not more than..."
I smiled. This is how he is. Love the ring- it is a small nice ring with a small diamond.
Love it(and J too  )

[Ade]

You're kidding me! She sure would.
Like what? "Honey, would you mind an engagement ring?" Nobody minds, trust me 

My fiancée isn't a big jewellery fan and rarely wears any; it was one of the reasons I decided to discuss it with her before I made a mistake of buying something that would have been lost in a drawer. It's a good thing she chose the ring too; I'm sure I would have gone overboard and bought something way bigger and uglier than the classy one she chose herself.

[Shadow]

Raven,
If the guy doesn't have enough faith in his fiancee to "trust" her with an "expensive" gift, he shouldn't be getting engaged in the first place!KenC

Fully agree to this.

[groovlstk]

Fully agree to this.

I'm with Ken and Shadow.

I can never understand why a guy is willing to play roulette with his future by marrying a woman he doesn't trust 100% - yet at the same time he's worried about investing a few thousand $$ in an engagement ring or gift. Talk about losing the forest for the trees.

Any $$ he may lose if she changes her mind or is playing him is nothing compared to what he stands to lose after she arrives, even if they part amicably and she returns home. Which leads to another reason why this guy's priorities are out of whack: this woman will be leaving her family, job, language, and culture behind to marry him - how does that stack up against his risk of losing an engagement ring? Not even a contest.

[Misha]

Any $$ he may lose if she changes her mind or is playing him is nothing compared to what he stands to lose after she arrives, even if they part amicably and she returns home. Which leads to another reason why this guy's priorities are out of whack: this woman will be leaving her family, job, language, and culture behind to marry him - how does that stack up against his risk of losing an engagement ring? Not even a contest.

You can also flip it around as well. If a woman dumps you because she did not get a diamond engagement ring, which is not really part of her tradition, or because the diamond was not big enough, then she did not love you much to begin with :evil:

[ECOCKS]

You're kidding me! She sure would.
Like what? "Honey, would you mind an engagement ring?" Nobody minds, trust me 

 

Few women can resist bling.

The discussion for me and my wife was to be sure she understood this was not "just jewelry" for her jewelry house I had bought her. It was to be sure that she understood it had a special meaning beyond being a trinket.

[KenC]

You can also flip it around as well. If a woman dumps you because she did not get a diamond engagement ring, which is not really part of her tradition, or because the diamond was not big enough, then she did not love you much to begin with :evil:

Misha.
This is not a "flip around" as you suggest.  You are adding conditions that Groove neither addressed or suggested which is a different topic altogether.
KenC

[Misha]

Misha.
This is not a "flip around" as you suggest.  You are adding conditions that Groove neither addressed or suggested which is a different topic altogether.
KenC

Ken is back. The point that I am making is simple: if a man is worried that he will lose a woman because he does not spend enough, then either she was not worth losing in the first place or he does not have much to offer other than money to spend  :evil:

[KenC]

Misha,
The point you make is a good one, but not the same one Groove was making, that's all.

Personally, I think it is the man's responsibility to select and buy the ring unbeknown to his fiancee.  Of course he can do some due diligence and research the style she likes, but it is HIS gift to her to signify a special step in their relationship.  How big and how much he is willing to spend is HIS decision too.  Hers is to either accept it or not.
KenC

[Faux Pas]

My lady loves jewelry. I make her a gift of some sort of jewelry every visit. None of which has been, what I would consider overly expensive but, to her it isn't the cost. It has never been mentioned or discussed. I always give her quality pieces. She has always been very pleased and thankful for the "gift" as opposed to the jewelry. I have zero fashion sense in any way, shape or form so I am not sure if she actually does like it or just wishes for me to think she does but, it doesn't matter. It's hers to do as she wishes. It is a gift and once given it is no longer the giver's concern. IMHO

We are engaged and I haven't given her a ring and we haven't discussed her ring specifically. I have in my mind how I will handle the ring situation. Once she is here and as we go to get married she can pick out her ring. I can trust my instincts on other jewelry because it doesn't matter but, I don't trust my ability to choose her wedding ring.

I have an idea she'd probably chose something less expensive and gaudy than I would. I could be wrong and could not even care. Once it is on her finger it is to do with as she sees fit. I trust her explicitly. If I didn't I wouldn't have bought her gifts or ask her to marry me to begin with. I've personally never bought a gift I couldn't afford so I can't really understand the reasoning in the OP. I would say there is zero percent chance she'll dump me after receiving the ring but, I'm sure I wouldn't be the first to think that. If she does it won't break me and I could care less what she chose to do with the ring. FWIW