Statistical abberation

[GoodOlBoy]

Or at the very least start you own thread. Call it "Ambach's obsession with money or why money is the only thing that matters.."

Or maybe "Ambach's Tales of Paranoia". 

http://www.answers.com/topic/paranoia


GOB

[Caddydaddy]

Hi KenC

I remember well your answers and advice on my first attempts contacting RW, thank you for that. Even thought it didn't work out for me with a Lady from Siberia, I am ready to get official engaged in April with a wonderful Lady from Latvia.
Now I feel sorry to hear that the relationship with your Lena did not work out after being together for so long time. Believe me I know what it means going through a divorcement...

Well, life must go on anyway and who knows what will happen in future.
My best wishes,
Caddydaddy

[tim 360]

Hey KenC,  Sorry to hear about your breakup with Lena and your health problems.  I do admire your positive attitude despsite everything and I am confident you will continue to persevere and succeed in marketing or whatever else you set your mind to.  It is a credit to your character that you do not display rancor or anger as some might and you seem to have though this through quite well.

I have always enjoyed your posts both on RWD and PL (so long ago) and the other board and I thought you usually always gave prudent and good advice.  No bull and No BS and marrying an RW just ain't for everyone.  Best wishes to you both and as they say on Broadway---it was a great run.

[Mir]

Ken

Sorry to hear about your break up, looking at the recend trend here one wonders is it any real point in looking for mates in FSU.

I think ambach may have a point, I mean if seen in context.
I think it is almost certain that women from FSU look towards the idea of finding a man in West is to have financial security and better economic options. This was even more true of the marriages that took place 10-15 years ago as economic situation was much worse over there at that time.
So when they are in West and realize that the financial security etc is threatended they feel unhappy. I mean they can think well is this what I left my country for and accepted a man the same age as my father for?
Now it is possible that some may decide to compromise thinking well I have invested so much time in this relationship and they will stay(in  love) while others will fall out of love at this juncture.
The absence of children in the marriage is a major issue as all women want children at some stage of their lives and with no children the partners have less of an incentive to compromise.

[Blues Fairy]

A 10-year marriage that brought so much happiness to both cannot be called a failure even if it breaks up eventually.  Omnia transit - it's a fact of life, but it's no reason not to appreciate what you have had.  I think you are handling this just right and wish you the best of luck in moving on.   

[AugustD]

Blues Fairy is correct.  The reason so many here admire you over the years on this site Ken is not as a "mascot" as someone so rudely used relating to your age difference marriage but rather, I will contend, because of your successes.  Happy to hear your health is swinging up and I really look forward to reading about your next chapters in life and business.  Thank you for sharing where you are now in life.

Could be worse...could still be in Detroit with the same situation! 

[Makkin]

  Congratulations on the long and happy marriage Ken. Things change always and to keep up with the life we lead the changes are always something connected to progress and growth for people like you.

  Thanks for sharing the realities of these situations with the members here as it may help a dozen or more who ponder making a decision involving marriage with an fsu lady.

  I've mentioned to many friends that a woman usually has children in her life if possible. I believe that the statistics show over 90 percent of all women have children regardless of marriage and it may have to do with biology alone???..Maybe it has to do with keeping mankind going???. In any case it seems that women almost always want children at one time or another.

  Good luck with everything and you are also in our thoughts and prayers.

Makkin 

[groovlstk]

Ken, this might sound odd but I'm extremely proud of you for the way you're handling this situation. No whining, no wild accusations, no second-guessing yourself - pretty much exactly the way you have always comported yourself here.

I think most guys would kill to get ten years with a beautiful and tender woman like Lena, a woman who genuinely loved (and loves) you. Unlike so many other breakups we read about here, you weren't played for a fool or used, although I'm sure there are folks here (none who are married to RW, by the way) who can't see this distinction, but it makes all the difference in the world. Regardless of what happens next, you will carry fond memories with you for the rest of your life. Good luck, brother.

[Simoni]

I've mentioned to many friends that a woman usually has children in her life if possible. I believe that the statistics show over 90 percent of all women have children regardless of marriage and it may have to do with biology alone???..Maybe it has to do with keeping mankind going???. In any case it seems that women almost always want children at one time or another.

Excellent point, Makkin.  And totally on target.

For those reading this that are thinking of a future life with a RW, I hope they heed it.  Either marry a woman with children, or plan on having your own with her.  Biology, and what it means to be a mother, is not easily turned aside.

[Daveman]

Excellent point, Makkin.  And totally on target.

For those reading this that are thinking of a future life with a RW, I hope they heed it.  Either marry a woman with children, or plan on having your own with her.  Biology, and what it means to be a mother, is not easily turned aside.

Yes, excellent points Makkin and Simoni.. just as an aside and a little off topic, I will also add for those who are new to this venture, that biological clock also can play a huge role in her being very impatient and wanting to rush for the visa when she decides she wants to be with you.  I'm not talking about a GCG wanting to rush to the west.. I'm talking about a loving lady who will be more than ready to jump the gun and get married way ahead of relationship growth because she wants children very quickly.  Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway, this can cause some seriously wacked out behavior and related problems -- accusations of "not being serious", etc.,... Be forewarned and prepared...

[Maxx2]

As I said last night to KenC in PM, I am sorry to hear this.

As I have been reading the posts on this thread I ask myself what is the goal of this whole endeavor? Is it just to grab a few years or months as in ScottInCrimea case with a RW? Or should it be one of those "till death do we part" deals? I guess I thought it was the later as living your remaining years alone is not very desirable.

In Ken's case there was no need for "whining, no wild accusations, no second-guessing yourself". His was a dignified marriage from the start to the finish. For others describing accurately the conditions of their marriage and it's end and self reflecting what they might have done differently is needed for themselves and for others to learn from.

I am glad Ken is determined to put his life back on track. It will be interesting to see what that means for him and how he goes about doing it.


Maxx

 

[ScottinCrimea]

ambach, what you will never understand is that the financial issues are a symptom, not the cause.  Money is merely a band-aid, not a cure.

In a truly rock solid relationship, money is irrevelant.

Of course I realize that you can't understand any of this.

[ECOCKS]

Ken:

Condolences for your situation and accolades for stepping to the front of the crowd with your tale and viewpoint(s).  As a couple of others mention, I don't agree with all your interpretations but accept the sincerity of what you believe.  Your honesty and acceptance of the turn the path has taken set you apart from many of those who walk this path.

Best of luck as you round the next bend in the road.

[JR]

Hi Ken,
Sorry about you situation. Glad it is amicable and even better that you are recovering. I hope your return to complete health is speedy.
A few thoughts strike me. You may have gone over all of this before but I'll toss em out just the same.
Really great relationships are hard to come by. Why throw the towel in now? You said there are some misgivings about the divorce on both sides. Perhaps saving what you have built together is a better path to explore.
She now wants children? What would be so bad about that? Wouldn't it bring something good to the both of you? I realize there are roadblocks to this but there are also bridges.
I'll be 48 in a few days and I have pretty much set my mind to the fact that almost any woman who can hold my interest will want to have at least one child, even if they have one already. I am aware that means I might not be around to see any grandchildren from this. It also means I may not get to do all the things with them I could if I were younger. But to balance that I would get to see, hold and love a child/children from the woman who has shared her life with me.
There are a lot of options these days. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you found a mutually satisfying solution and togher you made your lives better than it ever was?
Whatever your outcome, I wish you the best. And I truely hope you guys always remain close.

[UTRO]

Ken C, I'm another Member here who has a lot of Respect for you. I am getting married on April 7th and I was very reluctant to tell Svetlana of your breakup with Lena.... but then I began to think about all of my friends here in Canada who have had failed marriages, including myself. I realize that this isn't an AM/RW issue.... nor a monetary issue Ambach! I have been in two relationships myself that lasted 10 years... am I more of a loser than my friend the same age who has never been married? AW or RW, so what? Ambach, do you seriously believe that all Russian Women are Financially and Materialistically driven?!? If you think so, I'd suggest you'd better give up your quest... knowing that whoever you find in Russia only wants you for your money!
Anyhow Ken, as Svetlana put it, "Ken is an RWD icon and I love him for his Strength and Confidence. Regardless of his age he is a Real Man who loved his Lena and she loved him too. This is so sad Dave, but it is not a Russian Women issue, it is a Life issue. Life sucks and I have two Russian girlfriends who just left their Russian husbands.... Marriage failure is everywhere and doesn't discriminate against Russian Woman and Western Men".
All the Best Ken C.

[Voyageur]

Ken,

I don't seem to come by here much these days, so my apologies for not expressing my condolences to you sooner.  I may not have always agreed with the blunt way you said things, but there was no question that your advise has always been what you really felt.  You have built allot of respect over the years.   I am particularly glad to hear that medical issues are being sorted out. And your continued honesty in describing your situation is also something those of us who have been married for some time can understand and even learn from.  I hope that you have a smooth road ahead and that we will be lucky enough to continue to hear about your new life paths from you.

Tom

[Gator]

Ken,

It is apparent from the responses that you have much respect and many, many friends.  And clearly Lena is one of your friends, maybe your best friend.

You have set the bar high for most of us.  Seven years ago when I first started writing to RW, you were already posting delightful stories about being married.   Thus, it is troubling to know of your temporary downturn.  Nevertheless, as one should expect with you, you are well past the bottom and now on the upswing.

For 10 wonderful years, Lena was there to share life with you.  The good from that will stay with you forever. 

It is absurd to think that Lena moved on because of money.  From what you told me, this issue emerged before the construction drop-off.  Besides, you have always taken care of her, and she knows that you are the type of man who would continue to do so, even in an economic downturn.  No, her motherhood clock was ticking. 

Perhaps there was another clock ticking, and one that dumbfounds me.  Lena is at an age when RW begin to think that they have lost their youthful beauty, something they feel is necessary to find a good father for their children.   The fact that my wife has never looked better, and will continue to be remarkably beautiful for years to come, is somehow lost on her, just a year or two older than Lena.

Ken, as a measure of what Lena feels for you, I imagine that if you became ill, she would be there for you if you wanted her.

Good luck in all aspects.  And please continue to drop by.

[ambach123]

Utrobina, to clarify, I don't think that RW are in it just for the money. They do want a loving husband. But they have an expectation of certain comfort and lifestyle, for which they left their homeland. And if they don't find it, the marriage is adversely effected. So it is a strech to extrapolate that " they are in it for the money " from my statements.

Those that can't provide such comforts, or can provide but later circumstances change, are in it for tough going. If everyone would remember it, the breakups would be far less.

It would appear to me that in a lot of cases, reality does not  meet expectations.  A case in point is the high number of K1 visa recepients who never marry, and return home. As Scott has very correctly pointed out, that it takes a lot of money, efforts and heartaches to bring her here, so a breakup one that could have been avoided would appear to be foolish. These are general statements, I think Ken had a combination of factors including financial ones.

By the way I also think that it is a basic right for a woman to look for a better life, nothing wrong with that. That is for a woman anywhere, specially someone who has to depend upon a male to survive.

In addition the desire to bear a child is universal; all men should know that and if they marry young women,  that they must have children, I have accepted that. This would seem quite rudimentary for any man who wants to marry a young woman from any country, to know.

In summation, I have learnt two important lessons among many others from multitudes of other experiences described on the board.

1. If it is a young woman, she would want children, regardless of what she may say, unless  you accomodate that from the very beginning, you are in it for a rough ride.

2. Her expectations for whatever better life she expects here must be met, if those do not meet, the marriage will be over, sooner or later, and in many cases sooner or would not even get off the ground. Though this expectations would be different in different women. I thik it is very important to find out very early on what those expectations are and if you meet them.

The above issues are far more important than age, which many look and make value judgments; after all she knew the age from the get go, and accepted it. But she did not know and did not expect that you actually don't " own " your home or your cars, and sometimes even can't make payments on these, like any other average American.

My apologies Ken for sidetracking your thread, but I had to respond.

[KenC]

I would like to thank everyone for their kind words of support here and in the many PM's.  It is the camaraderie displayed here that makes me miss the participation here at RWD.

I posted my situation here for two reasons: to clear the air and put the rumors to rest and to help others in discussing the factors that undermined our relationship in a way so as to at least identify what could happen to others.  I didn't want this to be or turn into any sort of "pity party" for me.

Discussing the issues is my real intent here.  So Ambach, your post is not off topic but spot on.  (BTW I would be remiss if I did not point out that your last few posts show a good side of you that is most appealing)
KenC

[KenC]

Ken,

It is apparent from the responses that you have much respect and many, many friends.  And clearly Lena is one of your friends, maybe your best friend.

You have set the bar high for most of us.  Seven years ago when I first started writing to RW, you were already posting delightful stories about being married.   Thus, it is troubling to know of your temporary downturn.  Nevertheless, as one should expect with you, you are well past the bottom and now on the upswing.

For 10 wonderful years, Lena was there to share life with you.  The good from that will stay with you forever. 

It is absurd to think that Lena moved on because of money.  From what you told me, this issue emerged before the construction drop-off.  Besides, you have always taken care of her, and she knows that you are the type of man who would continue to do so, even in an economic downturn.  No, her motherhood clock was ticking. 

Perhaps there was another clock ticking, and one that dumbfounds me.  Lena is at an age when RW begin to think that they have lost their youthful beauty, something they feel is necessary to find a good father for their children.   The fact that my wife has never looked better, and will continue to be remarkably beautiful for years to come, is somehow lost on her, just a year or two older than Lena.

Ken, as a measure of what Lena feels for you, I imagine that if you became ill, she would be there for you if you wanted her.

Good luck in all aspects.  And please continue to drop by.

My friend Gator,
As usual, your words are not only eloquently composed and the message you send in right on the money.  Lena has made more than a passing reference to her fading beauty.  Like you, I think it is absurd.

You mentioned that Lena would be there for me if I had future medical issues.  She was by my side every day at the hospital and was of great support to me. 
KenC

[ambach123]

Thanks for the compliments Ken, it comes with experience.

I have known three women, two I have met for 10 days each, the third I am meeting on April 5 for ten days.

I went to meet with just one woman at a time and none through an agency.

All three have had American suitors who offered marriages which they all declined, in one case a visa was issued, she did  not go for the interview, that is the one I am about to meet.

All of them are very well educated and have good jobs. They all gave the same answer, that they were not interested in starting from zero in USA and work in a shop or as waitresses.

They would prefer not to work at all, and raise children, which I agreed to, and I am fortunate enough, and that would have been my preference as well. I am not naive not to know that they find it very attractive; and probably one of the few if not the only such offer they would ever get in their lifetimes from an American. They know that too, they have a pretty good idea of life in USA.

One of them very clearly put it " My job is to take care of my husband and my family, I don't want another job".

Quite obviously AW think differently, and many AM looking for RW think differently too.

Are they gold diggers? I don't think so.  I would not want to leave my country and work somewhere as a waiter. Love or no love.

They had certain expectations that should be met, if and when they decide to leave their country. If those expectations are not met, it would be a very diffcult road.

These expectations can be different for different women, the ones I met had these.

Though you can argue, that if they loved their American suitors well enough they would not mind to leave their countries and become waitresses.

I don't know the answer to that, I guess that is individual.

Joking I asked one of them, " How much are the chances, that you would accept if I asked you to marry me?"

" 98% " She replied, " But these chances go down to 2% if you make me work in a shop".
I don't think she was joking.

I see on this board, issues such as age, language, culture etc. are argued over ad infinitum, most of them  have little relevance. The most important issue is swept under the rug "because we are in love"; you do that at your own peril.

Find any AM/RW break up and you will see that money or lack of it was the major issue as the root of the problems; of course there may be other problems some as a result of this.

For the record, I don't speak any Russian and have no desire to learn either, none of them were too eager for me learn it either.

Again this is applicable only to women with good education, good jobs, etc. if you find a hair dresser who appeals to you, none of this is applicable.

[BC]

Ambach,

People change over time (and experience).

Although financial problems are a major contributor to divorce RW or not, it's a change in values that might break the camel's back.

Relationships are kinda like airplanes.. there is a lot of redundancy in place so it's usually a combination of factors that result in their demise.

What one sees on the surface are likely only symptoms and not root cause.

[Diplomacy]

Ambach:

I understand what you are saying, the cause would be a lack of security.  I am fairly certain, you could find a woman that would even love the opportunity.  I think you are seeking a woman much different than me.

I will caution you though, the not working concept is going to be interesting.  Although, you have said you would offer her a job in your company.  A strain on finances, does put a strain on a relationship. 

If you have money to do what you want all the time.  I am sure there is a woman out there, that will take that offer.  I would not call it love, or a marriage though.  You think there is a love for you, for giving the opportunity.  It will be interesting to see what happens.

[facetrock]

    Ambach I agree with you, but be wary of the woman who is 98 percent sure she will marry you without ever meeting you and dont paint to good of a picture for them before meeting. Make sure she is interested in you and not your standard of living. Sometimes it sounds as if your treating marriage to a RW as a business deal.
    

   Ken since you are ready to talk about the issues and you have been married to a RW longer than anyone that I know of your advice would be extremly valuable.   Tell me how big the children issue became. Do you have regrets of not having children?

[KenC]

   Ambach I agree with you, but be wary of the woman who is 98 percent sure she will marry you without ever meeting you and dont paint to good of a picture for them before meeting. Make sure she is interested in you and not your standard of living. Sometimes it sounds as if your treating marriage to a RW as a business deal.
    

   Ken since you are ready to talk about the issues and you have been married to a RW longer than anyone that I know of your advice would be extremly valuable.   Tell me how big the children issue became. Do you have regrets of not having children?

Maybe bigger than I thought.  It is a discussion that I always avoided which was wrong on my part.  I regret not fully discussing this issue at least.  I believe this was only part of it though, with the potential financial and health insecurities playing a part too.

Do I regret not have a kid with Lena,  Yes.  With perfect 20/20 hindsite, having a child would have helped her in many ways, but it was never an issue until recently.
KenC