Opinions of when to have a baby

[Diplomacy]

I know that BF, had a baby fairly quickly and a few others also.  At first my general theory was to get them both adapted and functional here.  Make sure she can drive, and get to the hospital and all that if needed. Help my son get through a tough first year of school.

I really do not have any relationship worries, or feelings that it is not the right time to do it yet.  It is more of a get past the culture shock stage, and used to living with each other all the time.

She really wants another child, and so do I.  I was just seeing what others had to say about the situation. 

[Daveman]

I'd say the best time to have a baby would be about 9 months after you get her pregnant... but that's just me... I could be wrong of course.. 

[GoodOlBoy]

A Baby.......NO WAY!!!!  :evil:


GOB

[Simoni]

We waited three years, but were "trying" after two years.  So keep in mind that she "might not" conceive instantly.  But then again, of course she might.

Then you have a nine month wait!

But I would say wait a year, because the culture shock that first year can be tough.  Plus, you need time to bond together in your new home as a family, and you will want to travel with her to show her sights in the US.  

Once baby comes, life changes.  Mom is on short two/three hour nursing lease, and you no longer can be spontaneous about going out to dinner or catching a movie at a theater.

Oh, and did I mention little sleep at night? LOL

[Diplomacy]

Yeah that was my original plan, I told her we would see after six months.  That most likely it would be best to start trying after a year.

Simoni, that was the exact answer as to why we should wait.  Disney at a minimum
to visit.  We are meeting in DC for a week, before we head to the Big D.  I want them to get to spend time with Natasha.

Then it is off to the air and space museum.  I still remember going when I was his age.  It was like one big toy store.

I will play the whole DC by ear, got to see where the jet lag situation is.

[Blues Fairy]

I was 33 when I arrived and my husband was 38.  We discussed kids and worked out two scenarios: 1) I get a job, work for at least a year (to qualify for family leave) and then we try for a baby; 2) we have a baby right away and I start looking for a job after it's weaned.  Although I preferred not to wait too long, I agreed that scenario #1 made more sense, and so we decided to go along with it.  I found a job fairly quickly upon receiving my EAD, but it wasn't very fancy and paid rather modestly.  Baby happened soon after. My employer was a small business and hence not subject to FMLA or non-discrimination laws, so I got fired as soon as I disclosed my pregnancy.  Not that I was very unhappy about that.  My husband's job is very secure and mine kinda sucked, so...

And then came financial crisis and job market slump and I was happy I had other things to do.  All in all, it's working out perfectly.  In hindsight, if we had persisted in following scenario #1, I realize I would have fretted all this while about time running out while I had to work an ungrateful job with no prospect of decent maternity leave (12 weeks unpaid? are you kidding me?)  Whereas now I can care for Fiona in a stress-free environment and start another job when she's completely weaned and ready for daycare; and hopefully in a better job market by that time.   

[BC]

All I can say is that it is a huge responsibility.

If for whatever reason your relationship doesn't work out, it may be very tough trying to be a weekend parent with such long distances.

OTOH the additional commitment may be a plus and add a bit of glue in difficult times.

Kids are the first priority, above all else IMHO.

[Simoni]

Yeah that was my original plan, I told her we would see after six months.  That most likely it would be best to start trying after a year.

Simoni, that was the exact answer as to why we should wait.  Disney at a minimum
to visit.  We are meeting in DC for a week, before we head to the Big D.  I want them to get to spend time with Natasha.

Then it is off to the air and space museum.  I still remember going when I was his age.  It was like one big toy store.

I will play the whole DC by ear, got to see where the jet lag situation is.

We had a great first three years together.  I traveled a lot, and she went with me.  We did do the DC area, as well as N. Falls, Grand Canyon, etc.  And yes, the air and space museum and the whole mall area was wonderful to her.

So don't rush the baby.  Give yourselves time to come together as a couple, travel, etc.

You'll have your baby in two or three years.

If for whatever reason your relationship doesn't work out, it may be very tough trying to be a weekend parent with such long distances.

I'm taking this as a given. If you are not 100% sure it will work, don't get married at the end of the K-1 process.

[topofthekey]

Having a kid is not something I've put much thought in. As a single guy the answer is obviously not interested right now. But if you are going to the FSU and dating you can be damn sure the ladies will ask you about it. IMO they are basically asking just to make sure you are open to having kids at some point (because for most if you aren't that is a big problem for them... well at least in my situation.. might not be as true for older guys dating women with kids).

Since you get asked it is something you have to think about and develop an answer for. My intial response is I'm open to it but not right away. For me its going to take more than a year after her arrival. It is truthfully going to take a lot longer than a year. Ideally if she was going to school for english or to learn something (nursing, business, fashion, whatever) she would have completed that before the baby talk.

My mom only worked part-time when I was young. So again ideally I'd prefer the same situation as well. Even taking a couple years off work completely is ok with me. Other than that I make it clear that I don't want more than one or two of them. Considering all the little kids out there that could use a good home I'd say have one and adopt one. Anyways its nice to say ideally this happens or ideally that happens but I'm sure there will be compromise along the way. Hopefully it is something I can avoid for the first few years at least. Honestly if I was with someone a couple years younger than me I'd try and put it off for at least 5 years. LOL well good luck to me with that.

[OlgaH]

But I would say wait a year, because the culture shock that first year can be tough.  

Agree. In my opinion it is better to make plans of having a baby when a woman feels more self-confident in a new for her country.

[facetrock]

   I think any younger RW will want to have more than one child after she arrives and becomes Americanized. Most here have seen the apartments they live in. They are small compared to our houses. To have 2 children there would stress anyone living in one of those tiny flats. When you bring a younger woman here to your average 3 bedroom house the safe bet would be to plan on 2 or 3.

  Lately I have been talking to RWs that already have a child. Most are in their mid to late 30s and the one question I am constantly asked is if I would like more children. I tell them that I would not mind at all. Then they ask if I had that funny little operation that prevents me from having children. Facetrock still uses live ammo:) After these questions are answered they say that if we will have a future together, plan on at least one child and possibly two. Most of the FSU women have only one child because of economics, to small of flat, divorce etc. Given the right circumstances I would say almost all would prefer 2 or 3.

[JR]

I'd say the best time to have a baby would be about 9 months after you get her pregnant... but that's just me... I could be wrong of course.. 

DAMN U DAVEMAN, I was gonna say that !! !  !!

Now you must SUFFER ! ! ! !

[groovlstk]

I think what you'll discover is that your plans about when to have a child are going to change when your fiancee arrives, so don't sweat it for now.

Just my experience, but before my wife had her visa we talked many times about our plans. She wanted to start working almost immediately (her initiative, not mine) and hoped to be pregnant within a year. But culture shock is a big consideration and you won't know to what degree she'll be affected. We're only just now starting - 2+ years after my angel's arrival.

I'd also caution against having a child asap upon arrival - let her perfect her English, make her own friends and develop a network of support, dip a toe in the job market (if she's so inclined), etc. If she misses this window of opportunity and has a child very quickly she may be very slow to acclimate herself to her new environment.

Of course, all women are different, but in a situation like this she's your best barometer - do what she's comfortable with and Listen To Her.

[Diplomacy]

There is a bunch of ideas being thrown around, as we get closer to their arrival.  She has been honest about a lot of her worries and fears.  She feels comfortable telling me things that worry her.  We have removed a bunch, that were easily solved and not based on our situation.


I took a few big financial hits.  One will be the reality of the sale of her apartment, and the other was the care for her Father, then the stupid mortgage company needed a few thousand more than they told me.

I told her, we have to be patient with a lot of things right now.  She understands the situation, and has a long list of things that do not cost money formed.  She told me there was no way, her family would have been able to make it through all this by themselves. 

Her cousin that was suppose to buy her apartment, has now decided he not want.  Ahh, life is never boring with an Ukrainian woman.

[murmur]

Agree. In my opinion it is better to make plans of having a baby when a woman feels more self-confident in a new for her country.

Depends:
first on your age: if your wife is over 30 with no kids from previous marriages, start thinking.
second: the strength of your marriage - wait till she gets her GC .. lol... if she is still with you, knock her up.
We waited 5 years, I was 35 when we had our first child. Now we have two. The husband now wants yet another one. Give me a f**ing break: I am turning 40 this year with no family around, trying to study MBA and get my career going... A third child???? I will be doomed to be a housewife for the rest of my life. What a waste of my brain and russian education.

[Vaughn]

We waited 5 years, I was 35 when we had our first child. Now we have two. The husband now wants yet another one. Give me a f**ing break: I am turning 40 this year with no family around, trying to study MBA and get my career going... A third child???? I will be doomed to be a housewife for the rest of my life. What a waste of my brain and russian education.

A Firey First Post from a new member! Welcome murmur!

My wife was 39 when she arrived here with one daughter. I already had two daughters - and thankfully we
were in complete agreement that we look forward to grandparenthood one fine day....

[Diplomacy]

Murmur:

I wish you the best on the MBA.  I am 35 and she is 32.  She already has a 7 year old boy, and he explained that my name is Papa to the consulate, and not Carl.  He now wants his second named changed, and is the boy formally known as.

Then the consulate tried to trip him up, and asked how we could even talk.  My sons answer was, Papa speaks Russian and you should really know that if you work for the American Government.  Paraphrased of course.  Then he explained a  means the same in English as it does in Russian.  A smile is a smile everywhere.  What can I say, I am pretty proud of him.  I get to brag about my boy now right?

My son is a riot, what can I say.  At least he did not try to get the consulate to tell Mama, that he did not need a visa.  He was planning on flying by himself and waiting for her.  Since he was in Kiev, he would not have to worry about pesky train schedules.

I am a little sad I was not there for the interview, I would have loved to see the Consulates face.  I think he would have said Udachi, you will need it Carl.
My son got to go to the zoo for the first time in Kiev.  So he is living the dream.

[murmur]

Sorry, guys and girls
I did not mean to sound absolutely negative.
However, discusss the issue of the number of the kids before the marriage, be on the same page. Now my husband has been telling me that " I tricked him into believing that I, too, wanted a big family"  . Well..... I wanted a normal family. Two children are too much in our times anyway.  Funny, that this issue on the number of the kids arose after 10 years of marriage.

[Faux Pas]

Sorry, guys and girls
I did not mean to sound absolutely negative.
However, discusss the issue of the number of the kids before the marriage, be on the same page. Now my husband has been telling me that " I tricked him into believing that I, too, wanted a big family"  . Well..... I wanted a normal family. Two children are too much in our times anyway.  Funny, that this issue on the number of the kids arose after 10 years of marriage.

Very true and a good point. To those without  any children, two can seem like a big family

[Kuna]

Dip,

How old are you?  How old is she?  How many children do you both want in total?

My wife arrived in Oct, we married in November, she fell pregnant in early January and now we have the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful, funny, joyous little 6 month old boy with us.

My wife not having her license created an added pressure on me but I wouldn't have had to go to doctors visits, etc alone anyway.  We chose (actually, she chose, I just left it up to her) to have a child sooner rather than later and I feel it was the best thing we could have done.

It all comes down to personal situations but my wife need not work (unless she wants to), will have a second child before starting study, will study before re-entering the workforce and when she does work she says she will only work part-time (because family is first).

I can tell you that arrival, marriage and birth was a pretty intense first year - but I would not change it for the world.

If you have no other biological children yet I'd encourage you to jump right in...  It's the most wonderful experience of my life!

Kuna

[Diplomacy]

Kuna:

Sorry for the delay in responding.  I am 35 and she is 32.  I would like one more, and that is what she wants also.  I am in a battle right now, trying to get a decent paying job.  So I have been working at that, they will be here in 2 weeks Monday.

I am basically getting the business I started for her, going now.  The great news is it is already bringing in money, so it is a blessing.  I have already had a couple of good interviews, but pretty much everyone has said they need a couple of months.

We are fine, but I had to cash in the retirement accounts, to get us through until I can get things back in order.   Even this turn of events, is not enough to slow me down.  I just will not be posting much, I have to focus on income right now.

The good news is that we will spend a week with her friend in DC, and then go to see my parents for a week in New England.  They very much want to meet each other, so there is some benefits to all of this.  Now, I do not have to worry about traveling for work.  I am also here to help them adjust. 

[Kuna]

Diplomacy,

You know what I'd do???  If you're sure she's aware of the current work situation I would let her decide exactly what and when she wants with regards to this.

At 32 she probably won't want to delay it too long (nor should she) and if having a baby won't put you under unbearable financial strain I would let her go for it when ever she is comfortable.

My wife and I were at friends for dinner last night and the RW we were visiting has been for 18 moths but said she still doesn't feel like this is home.  She feels like she is on an extended holiday.

On the way home my wife said she couldn't believe this because she feels like she has lived here for most of her life.  She says Ukraine and Germany are just distant memories for her now.  The reason?  She said she has lived more life in the past 18 months that the rest of her 30 years because she has her new home, family and son.

She's particularly thrilled to have an Australian son.



You know what they say???  Happy wife, happy life!  Just give your fiance the freedom to make this big decision and support her no matter what!

Good luck on all levels - the job, the arrival, the wedding and the baby making! 

[Diplomacy]

Kuna:

Thanks man, I am just going to make it a better situation than the one I had.  Yes, she is aware of the job situation and has been simply amazing with her support.  Her whole family has, they all tell me words of encouragement.  I was a little shocked, that she told her parents.  I know that could have worried them to death. 

They are not worried at all, and neither is she.  She told me, I do not even think we have the same definition of hard times.  My idea of a  hard time, is closer to her definition of good times. 

It was the one thing that worried me, only having a single income.  I really never saw it coming, the company had been hit pretty good.  My region had growth last month, so it really shocked me. 

There is a lot of upside to this, and it will be a lot of work to get it all situated again.  I have worked hard my whole life, so it does not worry me. 

[giants11]

My opinion when you get the FSU lady to your home knock her up right away. Once she gets pregnant she less likely to divorce you and run away with half your cash. Need to tie her down to you and beast way is with child!

[Misha]

My opinion when you get the FSU lady to your home knock her up right away. Once she gets pregnant she less likely to divorce you and run away with half your cash. Need to tie her down to you and beast way is with child!

How about tying her down with love and having her be with you because she values you as a husband and loves you as a man. Besides, if you "knock her up right away" and she leaves you, she can still run away with "half your cash" and be entitled to child support for at least the next 18 years.

My advice: in most cases (there are always exceptions), it is better to wait a year for culture shock to subside before starting the process.